How to Deal with Man with Avoidant Attachmemt?

[Anonymous]

I have known my friend for 5 years. Our friendship was on and off a little, but this year we reconnected and I ended up developing feelings for him, which I wasn’t expecting. In the beginning everything was great and he showed a lot of interest. But one night I made him feel rejected, and it just went downhill from there. We started talking less and less but he still showed care and interest to an extent. Not to mention he had things going on in his personal life.

However, a couple months ago, we got into a fight and he said he didn’t want to be friends anymore because he was hurt by what I said. I understood and gave space, but a few weeks later he called me in the middle of the night and blamed it on his phone not working. I tried initiating a convo with him after this happened a week or 2 later, but he never responded.

Now, it’s been over a month since we last spoke. And since then, he’s been doing little things to get my attention. I know I should give him space, but I’m torn because this isn’t a connection I want to lose. However, with my attachment style, I don’t want to push him away either. I really do think we had a good connection, but he runs from his feelings because he’s afraid of getting hurt. What’s the best course of action? I am not sure what’s the best way to handle avoidant people. I’d like to have him in my life if possible. But don’t want to be too pushy. I just think we’re clashing because I have no idea what he needs or expects.

[ManOnFire]

Hmmmm. The part I'm puzzled by is that you developed feelings for him but then somehow made him feel rejected? How is this? Were your feelings true or not?

However, he's still being wishy washy, back and forth, and even if you really want him in your life, he will most likely end up breaking your hurt at some point. First he tells you he was hurt by what you said, you give him space, then he tries to come up with goofy ways to talk to you again, then poof, he goes ghost once more, but now doing things to get your attention. Back and forth, back and forth...

How he behaves is not your responsibility. And I know you want to stay connected with him, but I think I can already see that it'll just be nothing but trouble down the road. He doesn't seem mature enough for a relationship, and doesn't appear to be working on handling his emotions either.

[Asker]

One night I asked him if we could call, he wouldn’t give me a response. And my friends bought me tickets to a movie, and kept harassing me about going. So, I chose them. I could have handled it better, I will admit, but I ended up explaining to him why I didn’t call him. But he never got over it and remained mad. He even admitted he was mad over it.

It’s just, we’ve been friends for a long time and the connection isn’t something I want to lose. I wasn’t even expecting to develop feelings for him. Which makes this even harder. But he’s avoidant so he barely ever wants to open up about his feelings and I don’t want to be smothering. I just don’t know if I just let it go or approach this in a certain way. A part of me wants to “lay it down” for him. And just get off my chest that I’m sorry and I think we just have barriers in communication but I’ve already apologized and tried explaining this before.

[ManOnFire]

I see. At least you did tell him honestly the reason why you didn't call cuz of the movie, and I could understand him being disappointed by it and upset in the beginning, but to just carry it on like that and stay mad is so ridiculous and unforgiving. Unlike other girls, you kept the situation real with him and told the truth. Plenty of other guys would sure as hell appreciate that.

Again, his behavior is not your responsibility and you do not have to keep apologizing till you're blue in the face. You already went over it with him and he's obviously still not satisfied with that. And I understand that you've been friends for so long and to lose that friendship would hurt a lot - believe me, I've been there - but you have to figure out if all that from him is really worth the friendship. If I were you I would just go no contact and stop answering any of his texts, or just outright tell him "I'm not sure where this friendship is going. It seems like you just want to stay mad even though I told you I was sorry and I really meant it. I'm not really sure what you want from me at this point."

[Asker]

He hasn’t even texted me first since the falling out. He has an ego and trust issues. So, he won’t text first or reconcile first. He’s always been this way even before I developed feelings. I guess he has things he needs to work through. My plan was to maybe just play it chill and be like “hey, we haven’t talked in a while. Just wanted to check in. What’s new?”. To show care and not be overbearing. I honestly just wasn’t sure how to deal with a man who’s avoidant bc I’m anxious and “double down” in times I shouldn’t. And I didn’t want to make this worse.

I will say, your advice is very thorough and insightful. So thank you for that. It’s much appreciated. Most people wouldn’t take the time to do that.

[ManOnFire]

No problem. But you still have to ask yourself if you're okay with holding on to someone with those issues, and who never reconciles first. Because he knows you always will. You still need to decide if you're really okay with all that.

Also to be completely honest, I think you might be attaching "avoidant"-ism to him a little too much because you want to believe that's the root cause of his behavior so that you can be understanding and forgiving.

[Asker]

Ya, you have a point there. I don’t mind, but I think communication and a genuine understanding of each other would be nevessarily. We’re also very similar so it makes it even tougher.

And you have a point, I guess I’m just trying to be understanding of him. Maybe a little too much.

[ManOnFire]

I know because I did the same thing with a woman in the past. Trying to just excuse her shitty behavior as being this or that, not wanting to let her go and save my self-respect. Convincing myself that I just needed to be more and more understanding and forgiving. It simply empowered her to keep being shitty. Then finally I said no more of this madness.

[Asker]

You won’t believe this. I texted him like two weeks ago. He ignored. Then today he randomly said “hey, how are you? I’ve been really depressed and doing some stuff.” Then I acknowledged and asked what he’s been up to and he said “tattoos, lots of women, and preparing for the military”. Really says a lot. I think I’ll just stay quiet for now. It’s disgusting he claims we’ve been friends for 5 years but treats me this way

[AI Opinion]

Navigating the dance of attachment styles can be like trying to waltz on a tightrope, especially when feelings and misunderstandings get tossed into the mix! It sounds like you've landed in a classic case of "catch me if you can" with a side of "but please, tread lightly." Here's the scoop: avoidant types usually crave love and connection just as much as the next person, but they're like cats around water when it comes to intimacy—interested until they're too close for comfort.

To keep the connection without scaring him off, think of it as a delicate game of ping-pong. You want to send the ball gently over the net with expressions of care or interest that respect his need for space. This could mean reaching out with something light and easy, maybe an inside joke or a shared memory, to show you're there but not in a way that demands immediate closeness or puts pressure on him.

Remember, consistency and patience are key. Show him through your actions that you're a safe harbor, someone who respects his boundaries and is there for the long haul, not just for the stormy weather. This approach allows him to come closer on his own terms without the fear of being overwhelmed.

Last but not least, don't forget to check in with yourself. Ensuring your own attachment needs are being met is crucial. It's like putting on your oxygen mask first before assisting others. Love is a two-way street, even in the world of attachment styles. If it's meant to be, your understanding and patience could be the beacon that guides him back to open waters, where your connection can sail more smoothly. Keep your heart open, but also protect it—you're in this dance together, but you've both got to be willing to learn the steps. 💖✨

[Pterodon]

Find someone else. He doesn’t want you. If he did he’d be with you

[Anonymous]

You’ve rejected him you don’t even want a relationship then let it go

[Asker]

I didn’t reject him. I said I made him feel rejected. He was upset I didn’t call him one night and went to the movies with my friends. I even explained to him why I made this choice. He just remained mad and said “he needs time” but never got over it

[Opinion Owner]

didn’t you make the same question about five days ago?

[Asker]

No, this is my first time posting this. I feel like this is a common experience. However, I did specifically ask how I should handle a man with avoidant attachment to not make the current situation worse

[LazerBean]

I wouldn't.