Girlfriend tells me to man up because fear of flights, is she right or toxic?

[Anonymous]

I get quiet nervous when there is a turbulence, I either stay silent or grip my seat belt really hard, she sighs and tells me to man up, I try my best to control it but explained her my past traumatic experience but she says that’s no excuse for it I have to move on. She sees me less manly because of flight fear but I will still travel the world but once a really bad turbulence my mind goes a little wild.

Is she right or is she toxic?

She’s right to say man up

A little toxic girlfriend

[TheRealPepperPotts]

I'm visualizing how her saying that to the Wolverine would play out... :D

Why does you being nervous about it bother her so much? Doesn't she have things that she fears, too? I don't know if I'd call it toxic, but it's super immature of her. She lacks empathy, probably because she was raised to suppress those kinds of feelings. Your nervousness likely makes her uncomfortable because she doesn't know how to respond, so she just wants you to stop so she doesn't feel uncomfortable. But you are allowed to have one fear without your entire identity as a man being attacked.

When dealing with a phobia, something that is helpful is creating a "ladder of fear". It's incremental exposure to things that prompt fear to practice learning how to manage the fear. For example, a photo of boarding a plane might be level one anxiety. Level two might be watching an plane take off. Level three might be buying a plane ticket. Level four might be actually boarding a plane. Level five, the plane taking off/landing. And so on. You might think, "I am afraid of being on a plane, and my reasons are legitimate. It's OK to be afraid. I am going to talk to my fear and let it know it is OK. I am going to let my fear have a moment to be afraid and speak."

It sound super basic, but simply letting yourself feel what you feel and think about it can give you the opportunity to hear what your feelings are trying to communicate. Our fear of what we feel is sometimes worse than the actual feeling.

Hope something in there is helpful! :)

[Nikki1989]

Seems fair to me. Fear of flying is a real thing, but it is also totally unrational.

[CalmUntilAbused]

Well... From Your description it looks like You're not screaming like a child, but only go silent and grip Your seatbelt. While she is right in that You could face Your fears and do away with them completely, it looks like You're doing a good job restraining them, so if she is repeatedly telling You to man up with what I imagine to be a theatrical, mocking sigh, she's definitely a little toxic. The good part is, if she really sees You as less manly due to this little trauma of Yours, You're going to part ways anyway, though probably on her terms, which will be overwhelmingly disadvantageous to You. However, unless You marry her first, it's probably not going to ruin Your life, so brace Yourself for the impact and it's going to be fine.

[AviatorTom]

Fear of flying is a common thing that many people experience. If your girlfriend really cares about you, she will help you overcome your fear, rather than telling you to "man up".

My daughter's boyfriend had a fear of flying. She helped him work through it by planning a short flight with him, on a day that had minimal turbulence. Over time, they went on many (and longer) flights together. He now loves to fly.

FYI, I've flown over a million miles, and I still don't like turbulence, especially when it gets pretty severe. But I know that planes are but to handle turbulence, which includes wings designed and built to flex.

[AI Opinion]

Navigating through the often turbulent sky of relationships, it's essential to recognize that fear, like a pesky little cloud, isn't unique to one gender. Your girlfriend's approach of telling you to "man up" rather than extending empathy or support for your fear of flights, especially after sharing a past traumatic experience, buzzes closer to the toxic end of the spectrum. Comfort and understanding are key ingredients in the love potion of any relationship. It's less about manning up and more about partnering up to support each other through life's literal and metaphorical turbulence. 🛫❤️ Remember, strength comes in many forms, and facing fears with support beats flying solo with criticism any day!

[OlderAndWiser]

That comment indirectly says, "You're not acting like a man. Stop it!" How do you feel about her not acting like a man.

Next time she does something you don't like, tell her to start acting like a woman. She will probably let you know that she does not appreciate that comment, and then you explain that's how she makes you feel when she tells you to man up.

[exitseven]

okay- everyone is afraid of something. I am fraid of heights. Flying does not bother me but I have a hard time dealing with tall buildings. My wife sort of teases me about it but she is afraid to go on a sailboat. We went on a sunset cruise when we visited Nova Scotia and when the boat took a turn and the rail got really close to the water she was scared to death.
I think it took courage for you to get on the plane in the first place. You knew it would be unpleasnat but you did it anyway.

[UnicornLobotomy]

Its not toxic for her to want you to be more masculine. It depends on how she communicated that to you, if she demeaned you thats toxic. But saying it from a place of genuine concern is well founded and well stated.

[lightbulb27]

answer is both. she is not being understanding, but women expect you to hold your ground and handle conflict. if you can't do that, work on self, then date and find someone less turbulent.

[HighValue]

With the recent problems with numerous Boeing aircraft, there is legitimate reason to not feel safe on planes.

[JonCobretti]

I've told men multiple times to not tell women about your fears, they don't care and they'll use it against you even though they are scared to death seeing a small roach in the bathroom

[NamerOfStars]

The phrasing is bad, and the insult, too, but encouraging you to defy and, eventually, overcome your fears isn't a bad thing.

[MisterWack]

Toxic, you have every right to be fearful.
Ask her if she has any fears then tell her to “woman up”

[LiamJHayden]

"Man Up" is pure manipulation and just the use of the phrase should be enough to dump her.

[Ladsin2]

Both, but mainly right. You're supposed to be her rock. You're supposed to be ready to take charge of any situation and protect her and provide solutions. If she's being your rock instead... You're in the wrong and she'll lose respect for you.

[Phoenix98]

She could have gone about it in a more supportive manner.

the way she went about it to me at least seemed toxic.

[True_Wind]

I love flying. But we all have our own limits. She should learn some compassion.

[DrPepper12]

Man up and get over it. It's irrational. Drug yourself if you must.

[beefcakebradybatson]

I'd drop her like a bad habit (unless she's a buxom blonde) because she's TOXIC !!!