Financial problems are putting a strain on our relationship. Any advice?

Question

My boyfriend,, and I have been together for 3 ½ years. We’re struggling financially because I’m the only one working. He wants to be a software engineer, but hasn’t found a job yet. During my 8-month unemployment, he maxed out his credit cards to support us, and I’ve repaid him. Now, his bills are putting a lot of financial strain on us, and I’ve asked him to get a job to help until we’re more stable. I’m unhappy and stressed because we’re still using credit cards, and I feel stuck financially.

hahahmm · Accepted Answer

1. Starting a software career isn't easy. It's not like you just get hired on day 1 and start making great money. Unless you have the software engineering degree. If you don't it's much harder. Even if you have the skills. Yes, eventually you can make great money but nobody is going to be rolling out the red carpet for you on day 1. Your guy needs to start looking for other types of jobs to do in the meantime. if I'm him I would pick something that I already have experience in because it's going to be easier to get the job than otherwise. Also at his age, I would have it in mind to get into management as soon as possible. You can't follow the same career path as a 20 year old who is just experimenting. It's not going to work out for you in your 40s. Who you know matters. It's better to ask your friend who knows the owner/manager of a company for a reference/introduction than just walking in totally unknown.

2. I'm an old school type guy so it's hard for me to wrap my mind around him making you pay him back for him paying all of the bills. But yeah, I get that a lot of people believe in the modern/equality stuff. Not sure you have the right to complain about him not being a provider when you willingly agree to the "we're all equal" type game with sharing rent/bills. Just saying. If things don't work out between you two, you might want to find a guy who thinks it's worth taking care of you and yes, that isn't easy to get. Cause you gotta be A+ in his mind in a lot of areas for guys to even consider it. But I bet it's easier for you to find that than it is for your current boyfriend to find a high paying software job. So unless he's an A+ boyfriend... I'd think about it. Not that life is all about money but whether a guy views you as a "equal partner" or his woman makes a diff in my book. And he's shown his view on it. This is the same kind of guy who is likely to bail on you when he does get that high paying job or keep charging you rent even when he makes 2-3x more than you.

3. Checkout my mytake on leadership. Show it to him. May give him better ideas/reason to look at things differently.

Summeroflove · Accepted Answer

I think that he does need to get a job at least for the time being, you’re working your ass off while he isn’t. He’s saying he’s looking for a job while that’s great he needs to do something now. I don’t care if that’s working at McDonalds or scrubbing toilets, at the end of the day there are plenty of jobs available right now due to many people still not wanting to go to work.

If you’re completely unhappy in the relationship you’re not married so you can leave the relationship and just say you aren’t happy anymore and don’t see a future. You may be able to work things out and become stronger in the end. But at the end of the day you cannot make this man do anything. If you feel deep down he’s using you unfortunately you may be right.

I also have to ask besides finances, what does he contribute to the relationship? If the answer is nothing then again one sided may be using you. I see this happen a lot I’ve seen men use women for money before especially when that woman has a good heart and he keeps guilting her into giving him shit.

Do you want to be married to a man who plays video games all day while you work and refuses to even lift a finger around the house?

XHopelessRomanticX · Accepted Answer

No matter what you do, you are in for a difficult conversation with your boyfriend. He needs to understand that if he doesn’t step up, your lives are going to drastically change, and not for the better. You may need to downsize, you may need to eat ramen, peanut butter sandwiches, or even sleep for dinner, you may need to start selling off possessions — maybe once reality hits he’ll get the picture.

But he also needs to swallow whatever pride he’s holding onto and get a job. I knew somebody who majored in Public Health and was working in call centers. I know someone who got a degree in teaching and now works at a craft store. There is no shame in not working the job you’ve studied and worked hard to get into. There is shame, however, in letting your loved ones drown.

Alwayreckles93 · Accepted Answer

The problem is people do not know how to budget they end up in that situation on purpose without even realizing it. Money budgeting management is very important. They want to live in expensive mansion , cars and objects to later complain why money is short. When friends and family don't want something I tell them to let me know they shoot me a text and I go pick it up. People are so wasteful. Not me I make sure nothing is left over. People complain that I am crazy I am missing out. But I really don't think I'm missing out lol I always inform myself find out what place I can get the item for cheaper price if possible for free that's even better. Lol yeah I am way to extreme.

Love Doctor Brad · Accepted Answer

Navigating the choppy waters of love and money, huh? Well, let's dive into this together. First off, kudos to you both for sticking it out through thick and thin. That's not just romantic; it's real commitment. Now, onto the financial bit. It's clear that your love boat hit a bit of a storm with this whole job saga. My advice? Communication is your best friend and your lifeline. Sit down together and have a heart-to-heart. Express your feelings without placing blame. It's not just about saying, "We're in debt," but more, "I feel stressed and worried about our future because of our financial situation. How can we tackle this together?"

Encourage him in his job search; maybe even look for interim solutions together, such as part-time gigs or freelance opportunities. Remember, it's about navigating these waves together. And hey, remember to celebrate the small victories along the way. Every little step towards stability is worth a cheer. Keep lovebombing each other with support and understanding, not just financial solutions. You've got this!

Finchie40 · Answer

Your boyfriend should get another job for the time being until he lands a job in the field he is looking for. sadly the job market isn’t easy these days so he is best to do what he has to do , to keep money coming in to pay your bills. especially if he has no income coming in at all. I am in kind of the same boat as your boyfriend with having a hard time landing a job in my line of work , ever since I got laid off from my previous job , I been actively applying to jobs daily and having barely any luck at all with landing a job , unemployment is barely paying me shit , so I am now looking for a job that pays less then what I was making prior just to make ends meet until I land a job on my field. Times are tough these days especially with inflation, so he is best to work somewhere for the time being until he lands something he wants

AviatorTom · Answer

Software is not in high demand now, in large part due to AI.

Sit down with him and have a polite talk about what other things he might want to do. Don't pressure him. Instead, make it clear that there are other jobs he could do, and enjoy, and you'd like him to do that.

imtiaz45 · Answer

Financial strain can be tough on relationships, but open communication is key. Start by having an honest, non-judgmental conversation about your financial situation, goals, and concerns. Create a budget together to manage expenses and prioritize needs over wants. Consider seeking financial advice from a professional to help you strategize and plan for the future. It's also important to support each other emotionally—acknowledge that financial stress is temporary, and you're in it together. Focus on teamwork rather than blaming each other, and set realistic goals for saving or reducing debt. Strengthening your partnership can help ease the stress over time.

Anonymous · Answer

First of all he needs to get a job regardless of what it is as long as it’s legal. Part of being a man to me is doing shit you don’t always want to do but you do it regardless for your family. There’s a lot of jobs out there, even if you have to do 2-3 part-time jobs. Second there needs to be some kind of budget. A majority of people don’t know how to budget money. They get a raise so they figure I need a bigger car or a bigger house or something. If he isn’t going to do a damn thing to help then I’d consider dumping him. Do you two have an apartment together or something? Bills together? If not he’s just holding you back. You might want to put your foot to his ass. How old is he?

SuchSightsToShowYou · Answer

If your boyfriend has the education to be a software engineer, and if financial problems are really the only issues you and your boyfriend have, I think you can relax.

Lots of companies are looking to hire software engineers, and their starting salaries aren't exactly low.

I don't know how long it generally takes to find a job as a software engineer, but if he's really looking, and he's qualified, sooner or later he'll find something. More likely sooner than later.

The fact that your boyfriend did exactly for you, what you're now doing for him, makes you seem a teensy bit ungrateful. I'm guessing your boyfriend wasn't making social media posts about you, during the eight months you weren't bringing any money in.

JesseP1nk · Answer

He wants to be a software engineer, but hasn’t found a job yet.  LOL  i look at it and say he just choose to be lazy and wanna jerk off all day and play videogames. He can still work (even with part time) and study to be a software engineer.  That is unfair to you to pay all the bills.  If he does not take his shit together fast i would say you should dump that loser. Because that exactly what he is when you need to explain to someone in their 40s that they have to work.

rosemilk · Answer

for right now, he needs to find a job that isn't a software engineer. because having any job is better than no job. and then, once he finally gets a software engineer job, he can quit the "survival job" and be better off. there are ways out of this... don't know why he's not just taking any job he can get if you two are struggling that much. please take care

RHK36 · Answer

You're too old to play dumb. Your lazy immature boyfriend doesn't want to grow up. If you stay it's on you because you enable him. No grown man should be that comfortable while watching you struggle. Dude is a leech and you staying is telling him you're okay with it.

Agape93 · Answer

He can want to be a software guy all he wants but until then he needs to get a job until then. If he won't, leave. Don't waste more time

nawtee_me · Answer

Are you all living together? If so when is the lease up? Is it in your name or his or both? Skipping out on a lease affects the crudest of everyone on the lease. Why make financials worse than what they already are? You both need to think about this and come up with a plan before it ruins you both financially.
Don't be so quick to break up over this. If your relationship can’t stand a little stress then you two will never make it anyway….

gag6474 · Answer

so let me get this straight ur 45 years old stilll doing boyfriend girlfriend thing like a teenager when ur supposed to be married instead and thats not enough you went in to a relationship with a man that doesn't even have a job? whats wrong with you?

IslaTheWitch · Answer

your idea of him getting any job is very good... in the meantime, he should contribute to open-source projects... it's a very strong point in the CV

don't let him just sit at home, even part time in a few convenience stores will help

Anonymous · Answer

The economy is really in a bad state. I understand you, but you can do something to help the economy improve, like voting..

ArrowheadSW · Answer

Does he have a car that is new enough to qualify as an Uber car? He could take up Uber driving...

DextroShade · Answer

Normally I would not share this, but tell him to look into Data Annotation. tech. If he can pass the qualifications he can bring in some money, especially if he's always available to check the site for work.

Nikki1989 · Answer

He needs to lift his game and find a different job. Any job is better than no job at all.

DrPepper12 · Answer

You take a stop gap job until the real one comes in. Full stop.  Refi the cards. Look over his bills with a microscope. Is the job market for him in your area soft? Is moving / commuting an option?

chrissykerdock · Answer

tell him you'll have to work street corners if he doesn't get a job that should motivate him

NathanDavis · Answer

the problem are not the finances...

ProbablyClueless · Answer

It sounds like he should be trying to find other temporary work while looking for his preferred job.

RavVid · Answer

How old is he and how long is iit since he qualified to be a software engineer?

jackieistired · Answer

Doesn’t matter what kind of job he “wants” he should take any job AVAILABLE in the meantime instead of putting the strain on you. He’s extremely selfish

LiamJHayden · Answer

"He wants to be a software engineer, but hasn’t found a job yet." He needs to get some income while working towards his goal.

paledreams · Answer

No financial advice wink 😉😜 when I'm not licensed or licenced to 😈😁🫠

9in_Serpent · Answer

Become a communist and take the means of production! 😘

noohair · Answer

He should be doing any job to bring in money. Even if it is a fast food gig.

Kathryn1993 · Answer

Start tracking your spending it’s amazing how much I can save. I do it on my notepad.

Crazzyyworld · Answer

That’s too bad.. you need to tell him that he need to get a part time job

art84 · Answer

He needs to work to help you out.

Tomisworthless · Answer

Break up and get a man w $ so you can relax

Anonymous · Answer

How old is this guy?

Financial problems are putting a strain on our relationship. Any advice?

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