Dilema! Relationship or casuals?

Question

I know on the surface it sounds simple. I been moaning about wanting a relationship for a year. I've been having fun casual relationships with younger guys. They are fun but sometimes lacks consistency and I get moments of feeling lonely and wanting more.

Now opportunity is knocking...

But I'm full of fear.. I'm. a fearful avoidant anyways - fear of giving up my casuals. I don't want to! If I had none I'd defo be up for a relationship over getting new casuals. But I've been seeing my guys like most of them for 3 months now. Some 6 months and longer. I'm cool with dropping all of them except like my favourite weekly guy and another 2. Esp as I could drop them, lose them, then the "new" relationship not work out?

I always said I'd never cheat...

But there are no feelings involved when first going out with someone. Is it OK to continue casuals until the relationship either becomes more established or feelings grow? Why is it so hard to make a decision? I've started wondering if I should get into polyamourous relationships and let go of my belief in monogamy. I have just had monogamy conditioned into me so long as the right and proper thing...

RichA322 · Accepted Answer

@crimsyjo Relax. You don't need to run towards relationships if everything is good in your life. You can also live your life with permanent casual relationships or let's call it "permanent friends with benefits" and being exclusively with one person. Not everyone wants are needs a relationship to be happy. And while (thanks to Religion) most of us have been conditioned into Monogamy. Polygamy has basically the same problems just more people are involved. For relationships you need love. Both for Monogamous as well as for polygamous relationships. In both Cases you need to 100% love the Man. In a Monogamous relationship you need to love one Man and in a Polygamous relationship you need to love either all Men or at least one of them while the other Men are cool with being just the sidekicks. For example If one Man can not give you enough Sex and you therefore need several, all of them need to now of each other. Otherwise you risk of getting couple of STD's and spreading them and creating and emotional disaster for all of them. That way you have one "Main Boyfriend" and several more "side Boyfriends" or "permanent casual boyfriends" This can definitely work. But it requires the correct people for it and it can cause serious problems if one of them becomes jealous. In a Monogamous relationship. It's basically exactly the same, with the exception that one Man is enough for you and you don't have any other Men around.  Relationships are only necessary if you love someone. If you don't, just turn your casual hookups into a permanent friends with benefits and enjoy your life. It's basically almost exactly the same but with no emotional problem and drama involved  Concerning the sex: Yes, you can keep having sex with your fuck buddies until you are in the next relationship. That's basically the point of it. You get your sex drive quenched and your sexual needs satisfied. This allows you to think more clearly about what you want from a potential "relationship candidate" and if they are "good enough". Instead of being totally horny and talking the next best person, because your sex drive is driving you crazy already, you can chose someone who fits perfectly for you. You can keep it up with having sex until just before the relationship. Maybe give it a few days or a few weeks.  Yes, in most western countries people are very prudish and will not understand it. In most western countries it's; you are dating you MUST Be exclusive. Even if that means having no sex for > 1 year ! Which is bs in my opinion. Why should you limit yourself, if you don't know what you are getting is better than what you already have? Within a relationship it's of course something differently. But until you have a relationship? Yes, if he is understanding you can keep it up until your are together. If he isn't understanding, then chanches are, that he won't love you anyways. Because he is too much of a traditionalists. But there are also people which were raised differently. In some countries having several dates parallel and having sex before DATING is even possible. Some countries are quite open about sex and the mindset there is: Why Buy something permanently, if you don't know wether it's good? So in conclusion, don't jump into a relationship just for fear of missing something. Just start one regardless of Monogamous or Polygamous if you really love someone. Relationships are not necessary anymore today. So don't force yourself into something that you might not like.

GuyfromCyprus · Accepted Answer

It sounds like you're torn between keeping your casual relationships, which give you fun and freedom, and taking a chance on a new relationship that could offer more stability and emotional connection. You’re worried about giving up the casual fun, especially since you’re afraid the new relationship might not work out. It’s normal to feel unsure, but you might want to think about what you really want (more fun and variety, or something deeper and more consistent). You could explore the new relationship while still enjoying the casual ones, but at some point, you'll need to decide what truly makes you happiest. If you're unsure, maybe try thinking about what feels right for you in the long run and not just what feels comfortable now.

Love Doctor Brad · Accepted Answer

As a relationship coach, I'm here to sprinkle a little love magic your way! You're in a bit of a sweet and spicy pickle, aren't you? The heart craves consistency while the thrill of casuals tantalizes. It's okay to fear leaving your current groove! Relationships are about growth, but they shouldn't feel like chains. If a relationship is calling but you're rocking the casual scene, consider what truly lights your heart. If a polyamorous lifestyle tugs at you, explore it! And remember, honesty—especially with yourself and others—is essential. 😊 Follow your heart’s rhythm and dance to its beat! 💃❤️

Finchie40 · Answer

The respectful thing to do is just be honest about your other guys’ you don’t have to give him every little detail but be honest about you seeing other guys’ and that you would like to eventually settle down with someone in a relationship. Because by you lying and blindsiding someone is only going to turn around and kick ya in the ass if he finds out that you been lying to him. So really think about what you truly want , if you want a commitment , you are going to have to stop having sex with those other guys’ completely, if you don’t want to stop having sex with them , then you are best to just be honest and tell him you want a open relationship or a FWB’s By you doing that gives him a choice on whether he wants to continue seeing you or not.

OlderAndWiser · Answer

What is your long term goal - a successful and exclusive long term relationship, or a series of physically satisfying casual relationships that lack emotional connection?

lightbulb27 · Answer

You are asking to exchange 'drugs' for new challenge, pain and growth... because a real human being will be work. Pain because you have fear, give up things and have to face your demons and another.

I've never been in your spot, but I'd only want the relationship. I'm married and I'd feel empty if I was doing what you are doing. But you are you.

Personally, I would go for joy, not pleasure.. and that may mean experiencing some painful emotions. That's good, it raises them up so you can deal with them rather than the medicated state you are in. Given what I read, Id do the following:

* Cut out the drugs...

* Work on spiritual growth, resolving trauma

* Go to the gym and get into best physical shape possible. When get to 50... it becomes very difficult to get rid of belly fat. You want to look as good as possible

* Work towards what you really want.

For what is worth, I've seen women into their 40's and 50's find husbands and as far as I know, it's working well. Multiple. I know/known guys that would only be monogamous and very dedicated.

It's your life.

RavVid · Answer

Depends on what you want. Monogamy and marriage is good for babies and child rearing but you possibly don't have that in mind. The same is also good for "building a life together" and that might be an objective you have.

It is hard to do either of these if there is more than two people involved. If you change your mind later in favor of same, it is reasonable for a prospective partner to ask "you didn't want it before, so why should I step up for you now". The past does have impact on the future.

Promising anything and breaking that promise is always nasty to do to someone you love or loved.

If there are multiples, then you can't really expect more than what they are there for.

So I'd counsel maturely considering what you do want at different stages of your life. 7 Habits has an analogy of life is climbing a ladder and some people climb the wrong ladder and only realize that as they get to the top.

So work out what is good now, what is good in 5 years 10, 15, 20 etc and do the stuff necessary for the longer view.

Maybe_Maybe_not · Answer

"I can't realistically think of us as in a relationship from day one of meeting?" 
 "there are no feelings involved when first going out with someone" ... Which seems like normal life to me? 😅 I mean how to feel something for someone you can't really know yet while he can't really know you either? I'm not capable of that. It taaaakes time. There is something I don't get, you said you fear giving up your sex friends, but what do they represent to you exactly, what do you personally lose by giving them up?

HungTexan · Answer

Early conditioning can definitely make such a decision hard. Since you obviously enjoy the casual sex, I wouldn’t give it up immediately, but you might biscuit with your potential monogamous partner.

I view myself as monogamous, I’be been happily married to a gorgeous hot woman for a long time. However, I do have sex with other women sometimes, with my wife’s approval and knowledge. She’s not threatened by it, and it turns her on watching me or having me recount the outside sexual encounter.

You have to do what works for you and your partner in a real relationship. It takes both of you understanding each other, being honest with each other, and trusting each other.

AnonAndrew · Answer

I think it's absolutely okay.

Monogamy is something we have drummed into our heads since a young age by society, but we have actually evolved for polyandry, where one woman has multiple husbands.

So your desire to keep your "casuals" is actually a very healthy sign, and your natural reaction.

(The ultimate relationship is a committed relationship between one woman and multiple men, but since society doesn't allow that, "casual" sex on the side is the healthiest alternative available to women.)

Also don't worry about saying you'd never cheat. We all say lots of things. But if we later find out we were mistaken, we should be open to change and grow. :)

kellytheman · Answer

Well for me when I am having casual hookups or has a friends with benefits we can still see other people but if there is someone we really like and want a relationship with that person we stop having sex. Usually if mine or her feelings arise for another person we also stop having casual hookups because all it is just sex and physical gratification.

SixFootSexy · Answer

If you're bouncing from relationship to relationship (who are we kidding, it's bed to bed) then you can live that life until you are old and start getting fewer and fewer offers to be a woman of the night without the pay.

NicholasRedone · Answer

Relationship - ❤️ the amount of diseases out there.
An inspiration in my life is how even you know, couples who have only been each other's only lover.
And that didn't have to be the cliche "sweethearts since blah blah" either.
I just mean, you know. Similar to people who waited for the right person. And that became their only person e. g. married.

bornNerd · Answer

Relationships are beautiful but terms and conditions applied that both partners enjoy enjoy the present and it feels sexy for both the partners. They need to take care of of the physical needs emotional needs and feel that Bond always. It's important to take care of each other for sure.

Surely · Answer

Not sure that I am following you. You say that monogamy has been engrained into you. But then you say that you don’t want to give up your guys that you have been involved with the past three months?
If guys know that they are seeing other guys. Most won’t take you seriously and see other women!

Bklynbadboy12 · Answer

Casual hook up can be fulfilling but they'll never be as good as a relationship. The reason why is casual hook lack emotion and consistency plus there is no loyalty there is no guarantee they'll be there for you in your time of need outside of something sexual.

FunnyButNotFunnyHaHa · Answer

It kinda sounds like you REALLY enjoy all the commitment-free sex you've been having. Maybe you need a little more time before you're ready for a monogamous relationship.

exitseven · Answer

You want to have your cake and eat it too. It does not work like that,.

Juxtapose · Answer

At this point you should admit you want polyamory. It really is that simple, you're not going to like pretending to be something you're not.

YourExLover69 · Answer

Just give yourself little bit further time. There's lots of guys for you to choose. If someone is most suitable examine him... But don't make it official quickly for now.

kaucky1 · Answer

Rest of guys not even made like me granted from question again or somebody else made them they brutal sneaky stinky with lies looking like me chop off noses poking eyes out

Pohjolan · Answer

Are you fine with your future mate fucking other women? If yes then you should indeed go for polyamorous relationships. You are getting old for having kids and starting a family anyway.

ihateTaylorSwift · Answer

Im done with both but thats just me lol

Anonymous · Answer

I say to get a good psychiatrist. They have drugs for this.

MasterKS · Answer

Think 100 times before any trap, you know it better!

IWILLPLEASEYOU · Answer

Continue with the casual if she cuts along you'll know it !

Crazzyyworld · Answer

U can have open relationship

CubaPirate · Answer

Just go with the flow and have fun with it

Jamie05rhs · Answer

Don't date. You're not ready.

ehatsham_hussain · Answer

Listen your heart for making decision.

nawtee_me · Answer

If I weren’t so far away …. lol

CuteMommy · Answer

What is ur gut feeling?

Djaay · Answer

Lmao...

bysesexxyy · Answer

Lalalalalalallaalal

Dilema! Relationship or casuals?

Most Helpful Opinions

Most Helpful Opinions

AI Opinion

What Girls & Guys Said

Dilema! Relationship or casuals?

Most Helpful Opinions

Most Helpful Opinions

AI Opinion

What Girls & Guys Said

We're glad to see you liked this post.