Why do men who are supposedly deeply in love with their partners feel nervous when discussing marriage?

[Anonymous]

I’m in a serious relationship with my boyfriend for about a year now. We’ve gotten to know each other incredibly well within this year and we’re so aligned in many ways. He adores and loves me deeply and I feel exactly the same way. I have no doubts on how much love, devotion and commitment he has for me. We’ve talked about spending the rest of our lives and building a family together. He has told his parents and friends that I’m “the one”. But when the topic of getting married comes up, he seems nervous or sheepish. We’re both in our early thirties with fairly stable jobs, although he’s unhappy about his. I haven’t felt the need to press for an answer on the topic as I’m not in a rush. I’m just wondering… Can men be truly in love with someone and want to spend their lives with their partner but have doubts on getting married? If yes, I’d like to understand what goes through men’s minds when that topic is raised.

[abc3643]

Because they are not deeply in love.

When a man is in love - REAL love - the question of marriage is, for the most part, irrelevant. The answer is "Of course". That's what his heart will tell him. As for "when", well that may not be settled because of life circumstances, but he has no qualms about the woman he marries.

As for any other guy who is hesitant, that's sort of instinctive with males about a lot of things. Generally, big decisions should not be made cavalierly and a man is always trying to find the potential downsides or other possibilities associated with whatever he decides. Now, when it comes to a woman he is "in love with", if he has hesitations, he's not in real love. The only possible explanation then is a question of money and life circumstances.

For instance, in August 1990, I fell in love with a wonderful young lady. By October, I knew this was the one I wanted to marry. I never had any doubts. Marrying her is what I wanted to do. However, I was going for a PhD and she was in college too, so getting married was not really in the cards for us at that time because our lives were not settled. So, I would have been ecstatic to have married her, but we would have had a tough going at first because of our lives at that time. Sadly, she dumped me after 17ish months and I never fully recovered.

[Finchie40]

Because sadly it’s the way society is today with being brainwashed by social media making people believe marriage is not the best thing to do because divorce rates are through the roof and apparently most divorces are initiated by female according to statistics. Most men nowadays are scared to get married mainly for that reason , They are afraid to get married because they feel their partner will eventually leave him or cheat on him with someone else and then go through the whole process of divorce. I was married to my wife for 15 years happily after the 15 years she decided to be selfish and ruined our marriage , by deciding she no longer wanted to be tied down to one guy , she wanted to be a whore instead. So marriage is a beautiful thing if it lasts , if it doesn’t last it’s a nightmare

[DishLady]

Marriage is a big deal, that's why.

1. So many marriages end in divorce that it warrants some extra thought.
2. It's important to think about whether you're both ready for that step.
3. It's important to think about whether your families will mesh well.
4. It's important to think about where you each see yourselves in 5...10...15...20 years.
5. Do you function smoothly as partners with every aspect of life or does this need work?

If you can see all these things clearly and can discuss them comfortably and honestly, then you're ready for the next step. If you're just sitting around politely skirting these and other issues... then you're not ready for the next step.

[Nikki1989]

Because they are not deeply in love at all. Men lie!

[AI Opinion]

Ah, the captivating dance of love and commitment! 😍 Men can be all-in and ready to Netflix-and-chill for life, but marriage can feel like a whole different beast. It's not you; it's the societal expectations and the big “forever” moment that might have him feeling skittish. Marriage often adds layers of responsibility, legal bindings, and financial implications which can be daunting.

Also, if he's unhappy at work, the idea of being tied down further might make him wary, even if he adores you. His nervousness doesn't mean he isn't smitten; it's just part and parcel of the transition from romantic ideals to practical realities. Keep those vibes positive and give him time to process; love usually finds its way through the nervous jitters. 😉💕

[Summeroflove]

This question is simple and most women feel nervous discussing this topic as well. Marriage is a major life altering decision. The decision to marry someone you better have found the right person or your life can end up being a living hell and a half.

It’s understandable to be nervous even if someone knows someone’s right for them. It’s still a major life changing decision. There are thoughts of what happens to one of us if our jobs fall trough or we loose a lot of money…. Is she or for your is he going to stick around? Or is it for the money.

[Vesuvius87]

If his replies towards marriage sound anything similar along the lines of:

''One day we'll get married''

''I see us getting married on our fantasy land, some day''

That's not someone that's deeply in love with you that wants to marry you. That's getting lovebombed. Anyone can say they want to get married one day without any actual direction or a closer date. I suggest you to be careful about wasting too much time as a man's girlfriend in case you want kids (assuming you want kids within a marriage) because then you can have those years back.

If he can't discuss a normal, adult conversation about marriage and with a more precise date (given that both of you are in your 30's and not some teens nor young folks in college) he isn't the one for you.

[Vesuvius87]

**you can't have those years back

[AviatorTom]

Marriage is an extremely serious long-term commitment, and a life-changing event, unlike anything else a person has ever experienced. Both men and women sometimes struggle with the thought of marriage. Not that they don't like it, it's just a lot to deal with.

[D_Bone_Steak]

Yes, men can be truly in love with someone and want to spend their lives with their partner but have doubts on getting married.

Men tend to be the one taking on a tremendous amount of risk when it comes to marriage. Women tend to change a whole lot more than men over time and it's not always in a good direction, so if that happens everything is no longer as good as it is now, the consequences could be severe.
Society doesn't help much either.
-If you cheat, it's his fault, if he cheats, it's his fault.
-If you get replaced at work by AI, he's expected to support you, if he gets replaced at work by AI, he has to find more work even if it's something he hates doing.
-You have mental issues, he's got to be supportive. If he has them, you're expected to start cheating.
-Family courts and courts in general will always side with you first unless you're some extremely bad ju ju.
-You're going to age like milk, and he will age like fine wine
-If you change or develop new opinions, you can just leave the relationship, he can't and he will pay for it. e. g. you decide you want to explore your sexuality with animals or you decide you don't like him anymore. We've all seen those guys that just get henpecked all day and night and they're miserable.

I'll put it like this... The benefits (what benefits?) to risk and cost ratio sucks a bag of dicks for men. More than half of marriages end in divorce, around 85% of the time because the woman files for it and the guys that do have usually been cheated on. Around 1 in 2 women cheat now, even more than men that do, a good chance and so on and so on...

Benefits?, maybe a tax break... chances are he'll have to spend it on you. I sound pretty pessimistic for being married for like 20 years don't I?

The question I like to ask the women, why do you want marriage? Why make it legal? You can have a ceremony and give each other vows without paying the courts to make it binding... so why not? It's not the 1930's, he'll still have to pay child support.

[Vesuvius87]

Married since Sept 24, 2024 and currently 5 months pregnant. As to why you ask? I didn't want children out of wedlock. For me it's meaningful and traditional to raise a child within marriage and I find that important. Secondly, marriage is needed in order for me to relocate (and reside there) to his location. I'll be the one traveling to live with him and so need to have all the document required handy. We're currently in a long-distance situation and working on solving the distance time lapse so he can get reunited with our baby boy after I give birth on June. FInally, we would have a say in medical decision in case either of us got involved in an accident or were at the hospital for other reasons. There is definitely lowering of taxes when filing jointly.

[D_Bone_Steak]

@Vesuvius87 I like your answer... you brought up the real reasons to get married. If it's LDR I'm assuming one of you is not a citizen? The medical one is a big one, my friend finally got married because he got sick and she couldn't even see him. I look at my own situation of marriage was she's in the military, going to send her overseas and without marriage... it would be a LDR for 3 years at a time.

You and I have legitimate reasons to get married in my opinion. If it's just religious I don't feel it needs to be state-recognized... the Mormons don't do it in some cases... that's how they have multiple wives since that is illegal as far as I know. I was trying to get a dig in on a certain type of woman though...

The ones that push for it just for material gain. Like, they have the divorce planned before the marriage has even happened. Men have to look out for them.

[Vesuvius87]

Thank you for understanding my reasons. Yeah the women getting married just for the sake of wealth and boasting about wanting an expensive, engagement ring are the ones making the rest of us look bad. Honestly I would agree if there was a law passing that bans monetary incentive for divorces except in extreme circumstances of being a legitimate abused victim.

[xkildy]

First from a males POV, he says she is the only meaning, She brings love, peace, and a sense of belonging to his life. When he thinks about marriage to her. He stops for a moment, Its not that he does not fell that connection or that passion to that drives him to put a ring on it. He has questions that he dares not to ask. He has a few thoughts that if he were to say them out loud it would sound weird. What I mean by this is, chances are he is (not broke) right. He has a house of his own a job of his own, does he own a company? Things that could be on his mind are. She is the one I want to live with, but I need to think about my company. Did you know that some (most) of the richest women in the world. GOT their money from a man, From his hard work. years of nothing going to events with the family years of overtime. Getting that promotion and years of wasting away at that company to only have it handed over to his now ex. So yeah, he is thinking. Before all the women start jumping in the reply section. You are this and you are that. Honestly do a google search and tell me I'm wrong. (You don't need to say it out loud like that. We all know. Here is the thing if a man was to do that to a woman. (god forbid). Would you hold the same (shoo) don't say it. Method

[Cormac995]

I would say yes there are things to be concerned about and some of them might be on his end. For example, one possibility is he does indeed love you a great deal, but he's suffering from self-doubt. Once you're married it's meant to be a permanent lasting bond, and it can be scary to take that step because if something goes wrong for some reason it would be heartbreaking. He could also be concerned that when you take that step it could cause a shift in the dynamic in the relationship he doesn't like and he's really happy with what you have right now and part of him might be scared taking the next step could throw things out of balance.

There are also legal concerns if you're getting married legally as well as things to consider in how you manage finances as well. It's also possible he feels nervous just because he feels nervous. Everyone has irrational fears, and everyone has voices in their head now and again that say negative things to themselves. Just because he loves you and knows you love him doesn't make scary thoughts like something going wrong and breaking his heart go away.

[RiseofArtemis]

Simple. Marriage nowadays is a huge risk. The benefits do not outweight the possible consequences. If you went skydiving and there was a 50% (at best) cance of your parachute failing to open, would you do it? I doubt it and that's how marriage is for men. A huge risk with little to no gain.

Then again did he have a failed marriage before he met you?

So most men or actually all who are in love and deeply care for you they would marry you in a heartbeat if the chance of divorce would be 0 but its the complete opposite.

[Ferngully2000]

It may depend how on he was brought up, did his parents stay together or not? That kind of sets up your expectations on marriage.

He may feel marriage is so final and a trap, a lot of guys aren’t keen for that reason. A year isn’t that long really to know someone, some people feel they need to be together longer to truly know someone. He may feel what’s the rush..

Yes he may be in love with you now, but love doesn’t equate to marriage, they are different.

Some people are afraid of long term commitment and actually don’t believe in marriage.

Some couples just prefer to stay together for the long haul without that piece of paper and I don’t think it means they are any less committed, contrary to what some people might think.

Marriage is full of religious connotations and he might not be a believer of that.

[Booboolove69]

Agreed

[KITEinStorm]

Marriage brings with it serious responsibilities. But I don't think he's afraid of getting married, maybe he's just avoiding the details for the wedding. Men are not as detail-oriented as women, so talking about details seems overwhelming to him, am I right?

[Asker]

We haven’t talked about it in great detail. But I have teased him a few times about proposing and getting married just to see his reaction and he gets awkward and shy. He once did say he sees us getting married on his dream island, but again he looked awkward. So I didn’t ask more questions
He feels comfortable talking about having kids but not marriage.

[KITEinStorm]

It doesn't make sense, If you can't talk directly to the person you're thinking of marrying, that's a problem. I think it's better to ask him directly. Otherwise, you'll start to drift away from the idea of marriage.

[Asker]

Thank you. I appreciate your thoughtful and sound advice

[KITEinStorm]

I hope your dream of happiness comes true. 🙏🙏🙏

[Vesuvius87]

Anyone can say they see themselves getting married on their dream island. It's as similar as saying ''you see yourself one day flying to the moon''. That's not giving you a concrete, precise answer about if he wants marriage or not. I suggest you do not have kids out of wedlock.

[littlekat]

I don't think it is only men who feel that way. I don't understand why we need to be legaly bound to eachother. I prefer to be with someone for as long as we both are willing. Marriage can ruin a relationship if one of spouces is not mature enough.

[MittParekh15]

Yes men do feel nervous about marriage for various reason

After marriage there would be a lack of freedom and increase responsibility

Partners look each other as one unit at times men need space and feel overburdened, in one my friend case girl changed and was behaving life two body one sole and top of that she left her job too.

There are many things change after marriage, just be light and ask him to open up

[Anonymous]

Because the marriage institution is designed for marriages to fail. It wouldn't matter what he does, if you decide to leave then you have the power to take a massive chunk of his property, his money, the house, the kids and the pets all because the divorce courts are biased in the ex-wife's favor because it laughs at the idea of innocent until proven guilty. Prenups rarely work either, especially if the ex-wife in question claimed to have signed it under duress.

From a lot of men's perspectives, marriage is a scam. Especially since the statistical likelihood of divorce, even for the first marriage, is a complete toss-up.

[glennos89]

Because marriage has 0 benefits for men because the only thing that changes is that the government gets a signed documents of us being married.

On the other hand I have everything to lose should I marry someone and she decides to leave at some point. And sadly woman are in 80% of all divorces the ones that made the decision.

Getting married is not worth it anymore for us in 2025 because there is massive risks with 0 benefits

[orange_roach]

Men and marriage don’t mix. They do it because it’s what their woman wants. The reason why men hesitate is because they know the downside of marriage. They say you’re the one but, in the back of their minds, they know you’ll leave them after getting what you want.
Men put up a front while preparing themselves for the relationship to end.

[orange_roach]

That’s why your man is hesitant to marry you. You’re not actually the one for him even though he says you are. No man actually means that.
Thing is men do things to make you happy. You want marriage and kids but he doesn’t. But, he’ll do it because it’s what you want.

[orange_roach]

Also, say you two had kids, he’s going to believe you cheated on him and his kids aren’t his. So, while with you, he’s going to believe you are cheating on him throughout the whole relationship.

[orange_roach]

That’s every man’s belief. Once they’re with a woman, their first thoughts are “She’s cheating on me” “She’s going to leave me” and “She’s only with me for my money.”

[orange_roach]

So, if I were you, I would the end relationship right now before it gets worse and things turn ugly.

[exitseven]

Getting married is a big deal. There are lots of guys that do it and end up living over a liquor store after their wife kicks them out of the house that he bought.

[LiamJHayden]

Marriage is a contractual agreement between two people and the state, with the state able to change the terms and conditions at any time.

[Anonymous]

A lot of guys are afraid of commitment even if they do love you

[In_Trance]

You've only been together a year and you're talking marriage?
He should be running for his life

[Asker]

From a perspective of a 26 year old dude, I understand why you think that’s abnormal.

[In_Trance]

Ask someone twice my age and I bet they'll say the same thing

[Vesuvius87]

Actually one year is enough time to see if both are on the same page about marriage, esp if they're both in their 30's. The marriage topic was already spoken with my now husband during that timeframe too. It depends on what the goal of dating is for. I was dating for marriage and kids, not to be a long-term girlfriend and waste time.

[In_Trance]

@Vesuvius87 3-5 years. minimum. Anything sooner is suicide

[Vesuvius87]

Wouldn't it depend on the woman's age too. If I had waited 3-5 to finally get married, I might either have a harder time conceiving or unable to get pregnant without possible fertility treatment. I've read that after the 3rd year mark, it's unlikely for the man to want marriage by then because too much time spend in the dating period makes the relationship stagnant.
I don't think it's suicide. It depends on the couple. One of my mom's friend got engaged on the 7th month of dating and married soon; they're still together with their son. I'm happy with my husband. We started contacting each other in Jan 2023, got engaged in May 2025 and married by Sept 20, 2024. My parents got married after 2 1/2 years of dating. Some people don't necessarily need 3-5 years to want marriage.

[In_Trance]

You need to recognize the fact that it's a very hard argument to say people don't need three to five years before marriage, when the majority of marriages end in divorce.
What are the key contributing factors to that is people rushing into things.
That said, age is irrelevant.
If things are meant to be there is absolutely no reason to rush them.
People need to slow down and learn everything about the other person. You can't do that inside of 12 months

[Vesuvius87]

I didn't rush. If the woman is communicative from the beginning, the man is on the same page on timeframe and agrees to marriage (and is happy about it) then who is to say that's too quick. What matters is both are ok with it, whether it's within years or before the 3rd year mark, esp if the vetting process has been done from the beginning and you didn't just date them for attraction and romance; but actually sought if they ever have like-minded goals and values.

[Vesuvius87]

Some people can already know everything about a person in less than 3 years and feel ready. Everything is different.

[In_Trance]

Again that's a hard argument when the divorce rate is as high as it is. You do whatever works for you.
But you asked the specific question and I gave you the answer.
Just because you disagree with it or don't understand the logic doesn't mean it's inaccurate

[Vesuvius87]

Ironically several cases of people that have gotten married after 5-8 years of living together ended up within the high divorce rate ratio. There were even research done on that. This isn't my opinion abut an actual link to it:
english.elpais.com/.../...separate-soon-after.html

[In_Trance]

They can study it all they want.
They can also study why divorce rates are so high.
Correlation never means causation.
There is absolutely no reason to rush into a lifelong commitment. If it's meant to be it will be.
If you have to push that hard for something with someone you've known less than 12 months, you're acting out of desperation not true love.

[Anonymous]

I answered this question already on another question and a lot of women got angry. Don't ask questions you really don't want the answer to.

[Anonymous]

Me to my girlfriend of 8 years that I’ve been madly in love with: ‘Why spoil this beautiful relationship we’ve been enjoying? Let’s just keep this good thing going, shall we?’

[Vesuvius87]

The most important thing is if she's on the same page with you about it and is happy to never marry you?

[Vesuvius87]

If only you're ok with living together but she wants marriage, that's not good.

[Opinion Owner]

This is mostly her idea. I did not impose that on her. And, I am very much okay with it.

[LiaRaven]

It's a personal preference

[strateguy632]

Because marriage is a serious issue.

[Anonymous]

Marriage is risky for men.