Concussion, mental illness, chronic pain, relationship strain, what do I do?

[subconsciouslyNumb]

I may or may not add more to this, but for now an extremely summarized chain of events is what I can provide.

Moved to cool town with boyfriend and his kids, worked with friends, friends stabbed us in the backs via financial abuse to him, one of the friends terrorized me and berated me to employees and used me. Lose jobs, I move back to hometown because family job opportunity, I have to leave boyfriend in other town. I bounce my head off the pavement after being cut off on rentable scooter by coworker. To put it very simply, I can tell I'm not the same and my mental health has never been worse.

Skip ahead I do something shameful. While working for family I become flirtatious with customers and people on social media. He can tell I'm drifting away and begged me for months silently and verbally to talk to him. He cracks one night and I admit to him what was going on. We almost break up for good after we had just bought a house, spend months suffering separately and together trying to work on things.

After all of this it comes out that I am extremely defensive, suffer from PTSD, suck as communication, likes attention/flirting but not with the intent on cheating physically, blah blah blah blah.

I'm a POS.

Him being the absolute angel that he is, stays with me and although has anger problems, tirelessly tries as hard as he can to practice understanding.

Ever since this has happened, the PTSD, depression, motivation issues, self esteem problems, victim mentality, addiction problems, sexual dysfunction, disassociating, unwanted dark thoughts, guilt, remorse, numbness, and the list could go on and on, but I'm not fucking okay, and neither is he. And it is all my fault.

Now we're at a crossroads, I'm struggling to even shower, he's running on E with his patience and love. I'm withering and I go and subtly do it again without even realizing it until it was actually happening.

Im struggling, he wants to leave me but is still fighting.

What the fuck do I do?

[SueShe]

As a starter, prepare a list of issues you see with yourself and next to each problem, bring a solution that you think that you can adhere to. Ask your boyfriend to do a similar list, independent from yours and ask him to also bring a solution he thinks is acceptable to you.

Then, sit together and go over both lists and find a solution that is acceptable to both. If that fails, then you have no other option than to seek professional help. However, it is useless to address all problems at once. What you need to do is to address each problem individually, start with the one that gives you the hardest time. Once you are in control of that problem, address the next one. Good luck.

[Stevepro68]

It's good to recognize that you are at least part of the problem. Your own self image is an issue. You cannot love others if you feel you are unlovable. It just downgrades your perception of other who do love you. Most people constantly applying maladaptive outside forces to modify their own emotions they cannot handle. Tools like isolation, conflict, impulse control, substance abuse, and thrill seeking. because you have no good tools to deal with emotional issues and it distracts you in a very bad way. 1st step is realizing you need help. 2nd step is agreeing that the way you think and solve problems is dysfunctional. Get help seek therapy and submit to the idea that your brain is not a reliable judgement of what is good for you. It may not save your relationship that is separate issue and he may have codependence issues that are part of the problem. You have to make you good before you can make an "US" good.

[strateguy632]

Sounds like the situation , that is approved for medical assisted escape. Get a letter from a psychologist, that you are able to decide, andgo to the clinic that ends your chronic pain.

[AI Opinion]

Hey, I'm here to help spice things up for the better in this love mess of yours. 🌶️ First off, own those feelings and cut yourself some slack. It’s not all on you; life's hit you harder than a breakup scene in a rom-com. Talk it out with him, and be as open as a diary on a desk. Oh, and professional help? Crucial, darling! Think therapy’s just for movie stars? Nope! Its magic works right here too. And remember, falling in love with yourself again can help your relationship more than a dozen roses. Give it some love and time! 🌹💕

[Lokiion]

If possible, go see a doctor and then go to therapy. Anyways, it's a good start that you realized you are part of the problem , but I can't really give advice on this besides to seek professional help.

[Anonymous]

You need therapy, and probably lots of it.