Many couples struggle with this dilemma when their relationship starts to falter. Some believe that staying together provides a stable environment for children, while others argue that unhappy parents can have a negative impact on a child’s well-being. Which do you think is more important, family unity or personal happiness?
The decision of whether to stay together for the sake of children or to separate for personal happiness is a complex one with no easy answer. While staying together can provide children with a stable and familiar environment, research from Psychology Today and Parent Data by Emily Oster suggests that an unhappy, conflict-ridden marriage can negatively impact children's emotional well-being in the long run. Divorce, while disruptive, can sometimes offer a healthier environment for both parents and children, allowing for personal growth and reduced conflict.
Here's a more detailed look at the pros and cons:
Pros of Staying Together:
Stability and Security:
Maintaining the family structure can provide children with a sense of stability and security, especially if the parents are able to co-parent effectively.
Consistent Environment:
A stable home environment can be beneficial for a child's emotional and psychological development.
Avoiding Stress of Divorce:
The process of divorce can be stressful and anxiety-provoking for children.
Cons of Staying Together:
Negative Impact of Unhappy Marriage:
Chronic conflict and tension between parents can have a detrimental effect on children's emotional well-being and mental health.
Role Modeling:
Children learn about relationships by observing their parents. If parents are unhappy, it can negatively impact their perception of healthy relationships.
Potential for Increased Conflict:
In some cases, staying together can exacerbate existing conflicts, leading to even more stress for the family.
Pros of Separation:
Reduced Conflict:
can remove the daily stress of conflict and tension for the children.
Improved Parent Well-being:
who are unhappy in their marriages may find that separation allows them to focus on their own well-being, which can be beneficial for the entire family.
Opportunity for Personal Growth:
can provide an opportunity for parents to re-evaluate their lives and make choices that are more aligned with their values.
Cons of Separation:
Short-Term Disruption: Divorce can be a stressful and disruptive period for children.
Potential for Financial Difficulties: Divorce can create financial strain for both parents and the children.
Changes in Routine: Children may experience changes in their daily routines and living arrangements.
Ultimately, the best decision depends on the specific circumstances of each family. If parents are able to maintain a healthy and respectful co-parenting relationship, staying together may be the best option for the children. However, if the marriage is consistently unhappy and full of conflict, separation may be the more beneficial choice for the children and the parents' long-term well-being. Psychology Today and The Divorce Magazine offer more insights into this complex issue.
I don't think you can answer this concretely one way or the other. When you have kids you are now forever tied to that person whether you stay with them or not. I think it's important to remember that. And your kids will always look at thier father as thoer model of what a man is and thier mother of what a woman is. So don't think by staying together or divorcing them you're sparing them or saving them from anything. But it will imprint on them views of marriage.
My parents were married till the day my father died. But there was plenty of arguing between them. My mom will take shots at my father now. And my father isn't here to defend himself so naturally I do. But I do sympathize with where my mother is coming from. My father died at 58. My mother lives off his pension. And she'll say she doesn't regret us kids. But she had to raise us. She wasn't able to work. And so now she feels relegated to what my father left her. As with anything there's two sides to every story. I have to remind her all my dad did leave her.
I think it's worth mentioning that I have 4 sisters. And they all married, and more importantly they've all STAYED married. I think this in no small part to my mother and father setting such a great example. For all thier arguments there was NEVER any doubt that they were committed to eachother and loved eachother.
So I think every couple should most definitely try to stay together for thier kids sake. And not just for thier kids sake but for thier vows sake. But I also think two people need to be completely honest with eachother because if all the father is teaching the kids is that thier mother is horrible and the mother that thier father is horrible than they are not helping thier kids. I DO think divorce should be the nuclear option though. My mother gave all my sister this one piece of advice before they got married. She said, "Only get married if you can honestly say you want to spend your life with this person". Don't go into it with the attitude that, "well if it doesn't work out we'll just get divorced". She said divorce should NEVER be an option. Go in with the attitude that divorce does not exist. And if you cannot do that. Then you should NOT be marrying that person.
Personal happiness is very important. How are two miserable people gonna impact their kids is the main issue you have to think about and what would be the better option. If you separate you can both see your kids often and talk about things together to make sure everything is going properly in how you want the kids to be raised. It's all about how well you both can be mature friends and co-parent together that matters. It's not about staying in a relationship that neither person is happy in. I always take my parents relationship as an example of a horrible relationship and how it was really detrimental to me and my siblings, so I wouldn't put my own children through that.
Separate...
I know, I know... "It's for the kids" is a very common thought. It was even MY thought when I was trapped in a miserably abusive marriage. But think of it this way... you're training your kids to think that THIS kind of behavior is OK... which makes THEM wary of having relationships and getting married. (You don't have to believe me... look at the stats and see how much lower marriage rates are today... consider how many young people ranging 18-35 feel that members of the opposite sex are "crazy" etc etc etc.)
Ah, the eternal dance between personal happiness and family needs! My aim here is to sprinkle a little wisdom and humor into your decision. Staying together just for the kids might feel like lovebombing with good intentions, but remember, a happy parent is a better parent. If the relationship feels like a ghost town, maybe it’s time to put on your own oxygen mask first before helping others. Kids thrive in environments where love genuinely dances between those involved, not just lingers. 💃🕺
Opinion
28Opinion
Separate for everyone's happiness. Who ever said "I'm so glad my parents stayed together... for us... when we were kids. I know things were better for us because they pretended to want to continue being with each other. I appreciate their sacrifice"
I do not believe in "staying together for the kids." I think that's an excuse/rationalization to stay in a marriage you should no longer be in. (even a bad marriage does provide some sort of comfort of routine, and companionship... if people don't hate each other).
Stay together if the both of them can be mature adults with each other and fix what is broken between them. Separate if there is a lot of tension and hate between them both , if they are constantly fighting with each other and no more agreeing on things , and no more intimacy and affection with each other , then yes leave that relationship immediately. Only stay if you both love each other and you both are willing to fix what’s broken together
It's definitely better to separate in those scenarios. Kids seeing their parents having conflict and being cold towards one another can be more detrimental than them separating and being happier. At the end of the day, kids want their parents happy and if they can't have the ideal of being happy together, then being happy separately is the next best option.
That's a decision that must be made by each individual couple contemplating breakup/divorce. There is no one right or wrong answer.
As parents, it's sometimes better to stay together, for the sake of the kids, until the kids are old enough to take care of themselves. My then-wife and I divorced after each of our kids was in college, though we had grown apart before that.
Sometimes separating isn't just for their happiness, but also for the sake of their children.
When a relationship breaks down far enough, sometimes the kids end up witnesses to the bitterness, the fighting, and the toxicity. That's not good for anyone, and the best thing the parents can do is split up, to prevent that sort of environment from affecting their children.
Sometimes it's better to have separate, but happy, parents, as opposed to parents that are miserable together. Every situation, every marriage, and ever divorce is different. It really depends on the people involved, both the parents, and the children, and what's best for everyone.
@Caroline91 Thanks, I appreciate that!
If you're like me, then you can accept the adult bullshit from others while the separation would possibly lead to resentment and attachment issues. If you're selfish though you'd probably put your happiness ahead of putting up and shutting up FOR THE KIDS because they're the ones who are there through NO choice of their own, that shit is on YOUR heads.
If you're not in it for the long run don't have kids, they're not like a pet you can pass on to others to look after, they are for life
(PETS SHOULD NEVER BE LEFT WITHOUT A FAMILY TOO)
If there is actual abuse, one person beating the other person up... no. If there is betrayal and adultery... no.
If it is "I've fallen out of love", "I need to find myself", "I'm not happy anymore" crap then probably yes.
Marriage is for life. "Until DEATH do you part" and "for better or worse"
There are bad times, you aren't happy every single day, that is way you have to work on those things. If you just divorce the moment you don't "FEEL" happy then you get the divorce rates you get.
Once you have kids. What you want and your happiness no longer matters all that matters it's what's best for the development of the child. If you think children develop better with only 1 parent go check the facts and statistics. There is a reason they say it takes a village to raise a child. So by definition if it takes many removing 1 would make it worse and harder. Men learn to be men and how to treat women from their mothers. Women learn not to be sluts and have self respect from their fathers
This question is actually about dealing with consequences about a line of bad decisions that started way earlier.
It's like asking "What should someone falling down a building do, just pray to have peace in mind or keep his eyes open to try to figure something out?"
But the answer is actually "Don't jump off the building/Don't stand near the edge."
There is no real solution anymore.
But as an answer to the question: Well honestly they should (both sides) reschool themselves about what marriage is REALLY about and face the fact that the vows of marriage aren't just a formality. Marriage is actually about being more preoccupied with the happiness and needs of their spouse, instead of their own happiness. Both sides should be doing this.
Separate. Children feel and see unhappy relationships. Unless you want them repeating the same unhealthy patterns in their partnerships whether friends or romance I say separate bc staying together does more harm than good. Then as a parent if they ask it’s a parents job to explain that to them.
Separate for everyone's happiness.
Kids know their parents are unhappy, and staying in an unhealthy relationship is gonna do more damage than separating.
Just be mature enough to come to a mutual understanding and treat each other like humans, rather than the millions of people who suddenly start hating, gaslighting and shittalking the other, in front of their kids—you're still talking about their parent.
I think whatever works as long as the kids are not affected negatively. I have been on both sides of this scenario and also have observed other parents or kids and it is totally situational
Separate. If you stay together “for the kids” the kids will be begging you to get a divorce because they’ll hate how much you fight at home
I’m not sure. Sometimes it can do your kids more harm than good if you stay together but you’re always fighting all the time.
Stay together for the kids.
If you are unhappy with your SO, you never should have fucked them to begin with.
Once kids are in the picture, they come first.
You know what they say, "if momma is not happy then no one is happy". So separating is the best, in my opinion.
Separate, kids can see what's going on and feel the tension in a marriage. Better to remove that toxic environment and protect them from the stress staying together brings.
There's no single “right” answer that applies to every situation, as the impact on the children is highly dependent on the specifics of the family environment.
You should do everything for your kids, they're your responsibility. Get them raised then do what you want. Your responsibility to your children is greater than yourself
The most important thing is that both will remain good, loving, supporting parent to the kids. In time, the kids will understand how love between parents can come to an end and that cannot be forced!
Stay together for kids For the most part, but certain instances are otherwise. For example If their relationship Affect the child’s upbringing in any manner in a negative sense.. Anything worse than general arguments
I think it's better to stay for the kid so they have a stable house.
... Then here is another dilemma hehe:
Which one would be best for a kid, in general, material comfort with psychological discomfort or material discomfort with psychological comfort?
My parents stayed together for the sake of the children. They divorced when I was in high school. Truthfully, they did us no favors.
I'd they've already have offspring, I think that's really a decision they should've divorced before having offspring :(
*if not I'd
It depends. They should stay together if they can and do so peacefully. If they can't, then they should separate. Having a dysfunctional, chaotic home is worse.
Two parent households are ideal, but not in every circumstance. What married couples should do depends on countless variables.
Separate. Obviously. Kids don't want to be around parents constantly arguing because they're trapped together.
Both, in a way. Separate and live their own life, but be close so the kids can still see their 2 parents, and hopefully see them still getting along nicely.
Separate, because the damage that’s done to kids by parents who stay together is worst.
If you can't make it work, there's just no way, and have exhausted your last option, then, you need to split
Be apart. If you’re not happy with you’re spouse, staying with that person won’t make things better
most kids can tell when their parents aren't inlove with eachother anymore, and it would probably cause more harm than js getting a divorce
Kids will get over it. PRents need to separate and in time start over
Separating is obviously the better decision when two people are unhappy together. “Staying together for the kids” is pure stupidity
Stay together for the kids
You will lose your family. That includes children
I think they should stay together for the kids, at least until kids are 18 years old.
separate as this kids will be traumatised from fighting
If your not happy neither will your kids.
Should stay separate for their own happiness.
Separate. The kids will be fine
Separate cause kids feel the toxicity.
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