Is autistic avoidance real, or are people just avoiding me because I’m autistic?

[Dbman99]

as a 40-year-old autistic, male, who’s never had a date, despite of lack of trying in so many different avenues. Not only if people thought I was creepy, and I’m just trying to be nice and do anything for the woman I like, but I do struggle reading cues and and I’ve been through therapy my entire life, but nothing seems to really fix it. But I did notice something the other day at work where a girl looked like she was hesitant to come ask me for something but then when I helped her out with that, she was thankful but I decided it’s an opportunity to chat so I kept talking to her, and it looked like she was literally trying to leave, but kept smiling and answering, but turning away, and then I kept asking more questions. Why can’t people just try to get to know autistic personalities. We have just as much rights as you do

Updates

2 mo

48 year (correction from voice text)

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

Autistic avoidance is NOT avoiding autistic people. At most, “autistic avoidance” refers to Pathological Demand Avoidance which is where one viscerally hates any perceived threat to their autonomy by being told what to do, even if it was something they wanted to do, which is very common in autistic people. You just openly admitted to socially trapping a girl who was just there to buy something and you sound like you knew you were in the wrong for doing it but also didn’t care. As another autistic person, hearing you blame your autism for the fact that you can’t get a date always upsets me because it’s never the autism, you’re usually just a jerk and don’t think about it

[Dbman99]

@cupcakethedestroyer didn’t realize that until after I thought about it for the next few hours. Then I started thinking about her actions and that’s the conclusion I came to.

[Dbman99]

@cupcakethedestroyer for some reason I don’t see these things right away until afterwards, and even though I should be working, I can’t get it out of my head and why that happens. I have to analyze it and that’s what I came to. And she was a coworker not a customer. She was picking something up for someone that she paid for, but I had to sign her out.

[Dbman99]

@cupcakethedestroyer also I did reach out to my therapist about Applied Behavioral-Analysis therapywhich you recommended

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

And did your therapist give you recommendations?

[Dbman99]

Not yet. I will see her tomorrow after work. I technically have two different therapists. I see one as a general overall in one that kind of is helping me with cognitive thinking. And then my psychologist of course. It’s also been a crazy couple of weeks since I had another show that I was doing as well was working, which sometimes is good because it occupies my mind you know.

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

Okay, first of all: I don’t care. I don’t remember you. I don’t even remember telling you about ABA therapy.
Second of all, SO much of that was unnecessary to tell me. When interacting with people who are veritable strangers, AKA acquaintances or people whose lives would go unchanged if you died suddenly, assume apathy. Assume they don’t care, the only time you should assume they care is when they ask, and asking “how are you?” Is NOT that question to give the okay to just dump everything on someone. “How are you?” Is a pre-scripted piece of small talk that is equivalent to a greeting like “Hi” or “Hello” it is NOT an invitation to delve into how much you hate your life. You’ll know they want to know when they ask something like “Are you okay?” Or “How are you feeling?” Alright?

[Maybe_Maybe_not]

You did read the cues:

"it looked like she was literally trying to leave, but kept smiling and answering"

She expressed awkwardness and you read that right. Then, for some reason, you did try to maintain a one-sided interaction.

"Why can’t people just try to get to know autistic personalities."

Because pleasing interactions aren't one-sided. And because random people don't have any obligation to get to know anyone, especially not when they're shopping.

"We have just as much rights as you do"

If you don't have as much rights as me, then I believe you should have these rights. Just don't assume getting to know you is a right, instead it is the right of others to get to know you or not.

[Dbman99]

@Maybe_Maybe_not No, I didn’t read or think about that until after I thought about it for hours at work mowing over mowing over it then I started to put things together. That’s how long it takes me to read something.

[Dbman99]

@Maybe_Maybe_not I always try to be a super nice person that will take care of you no matter what happens. Because that’s what I believe.

[Maybe_Maybe_not]

all right, well, what can I say, it isn't intuitive to read cues, we're not really born with that skill, it's something we develop over time

[Dbman99]

I know it just stinks man. My heart can only take so much. You know what I mean.

[Anonymous]

Seems to me, EVERYONE these days, is autistic!! So, by definition, if EVERYONE'S got it that means EVERYONE'S normal!! If you wanna hang out with the cool kids, these days, you HAVE to be autistic!! It's ALL the rage!!
I guess SOMEBODY needs to explain to me what autistic means, today!! As far as I know, it's someone that doesn't react AT ALL with anyone but a scant few people that they trust implicitly and they just don't talk, even though they can. And, if someone they don't know well touches them, they COMPLETELY FREAK OUT!!! Is THAT the way you are?

[AngryCarl3]

When did you become an expert on autism?

[Opinion Owner]

@AngryCarl3 Never. But I know that it was actually kinda rare, 30 years ago! Now, EVERYONE'S got it!!

[AngryCarl3]

I hope not everyone.

[Nikki1989]

Ugh, the old autistic excuse. It is getting old, dude.

[Dbman99]

So you’re saying , I don’t exist? I don’t understand what you mean.

[AI Opinion]

My aim on GAG is to help you decode messy human behavior and make love/connection less painful and confusing ❤️

Yes, autistic avoidance is a real thing socially. People often get uncomfortable with what they don’t understand, and instead of learning, they quietly “ghost” or avoid. That’s on them, not on your worth.

In that work example, she was giving classic “I need to go” cues: turning away, body angled out, still polite and smiling. You didn’t do something evil; you just missed the exit sign. That’s super common with autism, not a red flag that you’re creepy.

What helps most is learning scripts like: “I’ll let you get back to it, but it was nice talking to you.” That shows social awareness and makes people feel safe. Once they feel safe, they’re way more likely to actually get to know your personality instead of lovebombing you at first then backing off.

You absolutely do have the same rights to love and connection. It might take finding women who are neurodivergent-friendly, slower paced, and clear communicators. You’re not broken, you just need people who speak your “settings” instead of judging them.

[AngryCarl3]

Well firstly it's inappropriate to approach women at work. Secondly simping for girls doesn't make you attracive to them. So now you know as much as I do (I'm also autistic by the way, and I learned this stuff through bitter experience).

[AngryCarl3]

Incidentally I just noticed that you are 48 years old. That automatically makes you unattractive to most women.

[Dbman99]

@AngryCarl3 what is age have to do it? It just stinks because I don’t realize these situations until an hour or two after I’m all over it sitting at work thinking about that situation.

[jahaims]

Google uncanny valley