How do I calmly confront my husband about his gaming and overspending?

[Anonymous]

My husband and I both work full time and have our own separate bank accounts. Here recently we have been in a really tight spot financially and I've started noticing that I cover literally every bill except for rent (I usually also throw in like the 200$ he's short on rent). We both work the same job and make the same hourly but he spends pretty much the entirety of his pay check on games on his phone (think 8ball pool pass or generic casino games where you buy fake coins to win fake money). Our rent is only 650 and it's the only bill that he covers. I cover groceries, power, water, child care, wifi, and gas/routine maintenance for our car. For a while it wasn't bothering me to much because he was helping with gas for the car occasionally but now he's not helping with gas and he's using my debit card for any snacks or drinks he wants before work. Not to mention I never have my physical debit card we share one car and I typically leave it in the console of my car (i don't carry a wallet or purse) anytime he sees my card in the car he puts it in his wallet. It low-key feels like he doesn't want me to have access to money. I just need help starting this conversation with him because just thinking about it gives me anxiety

[HollyK21]

First things first — be a big girl, get a wallet. My fiancé did the exact same thing before we met, he’d always leave his card in his console, no wallet. When we went out he’d put the card in his pocket or I’d hang onto it. That only lasted a couple months before I told him no, he needs to learn how to keep up with his shit. Then he lost the card twice, before finally getting a wallet. Now we’re 4 years in and his wallet is worn out but at least he uses one now. We’re grown ups, it’s necessary.


As for having a conversation with your husband, I would just keep it about what’s important, which is fairly splitting your costs of living. I wouldn’t mention the gaming, because everyone has a passtime hobby. He just needs to be sure he’s able to do his part in contributing, then use his extra money how he wants. You could write out a breakdown of finances, because I think for some people it helps to visually see where their money is going. Give him an updated statement of how much more he should contribute so that at least shared expenses are fairly covered. He will either oblige or make a fuss, but that’s a whole other problem.

[CriminallyInsane]

Well, start by taking your debit card back and I expect HE will start a conversation very quickly, then you don't have to worry about how to start it. Once it's started, it's easy.

[Asker]

The debit card typically stays in my car which we share. If I take it out of the car ik I'll lose it but If he sees it in the car it ends up in his wallet

[CriminallyInsane]

It's a small adjustment to figure out how to keep track of a card.

[Summeroflove]

This is communication issues and you’re not helping yourself or him for that matter holding it in because it builds resentment. It’s one sided if you’re doing everything and you’re both working the same job. One sided relationships aren’t a good thing if there isn’t an equal trade off.

If you’re paying for everything but he’s doing most the work around the house. Now playing video games in it of it’s self isn’t a bad thing it’s like any other thing people do to disconnect and relax like reading or watching TV…. But when someone’s neglecting their family that’s where it becomes an issue.

[Anonymous]

Show him the numbers and tell him to stop.