Why do guys expect women to have "no baggage" while men remain super jaded?

[DishLady]

I'm very happy not hanging on to an sort of "prior relationship" or "daddy issue" baggage. However a guy asks "Are you married?" "No."/"I was." and immediately the "Aaaaaaah" and assumptions start in the guy's mind before another word can be uttered. Everything is about the divorce and how I hate men and such.

Meanwhile, the reality is that >90% of the people I work with and chat with are guys. They're easy to interact with and I just stick with the ones who have common interests (sports/tech/architecture/etc.). No biggie. I don't see where the baggage is.

BUT A GUY will have ONE bad relationship and he walks around moping for years, engaging in very meaningless flings and drinking and smoking and carrying on like there isn't another woman in the whole wide world. Meanwhile folks see that he's "dating" and presume that he's got no baggage.

It's a very odd sort of double standard at best.

I'm not trying to bash anyone (guy or gal) with this question. I'm just trying to understand why the false assumptions are there... Is there any way to bypass them?

[Anonymous]

To be honest, if a men wants to be judgmental, you will feel it whether you are married, virgin or in his eyes unattractive. When i show i’m not interested in meeting someone, they ask if im married, as if that would be the only plausible explanation or otherwise im being irrational for being closed off. I lie and say “yes” just for the sake of weeding them out. I was also a late bloomer so the first guy i was with, judged me for my lack of experience and he would push the topic to try to make sense of what was wrong with me. His unsolicited advice telling me to go out more or take more initiative pissed me off as well. He however had more “experience” because he already had a few one nightstands. Point is you cannot convince them but you are free to lie if you get that sort of vibe. You can reveal the truth later on when you establish a solid base first

[Opinion Owner]

Not sure if it was in purpose but thanks for MHO 🙃

[Anonymous]

I personally feel like some guys only see women as objects and don’t view women as human. So that’s I think women get viewed or treated a certain way.

[sawno]

Thankfully a lot of us aren't like that.

[Opinion Owner]

@sawno yeah that why I said some

[DishLady]

@sawno True, but many also ARE.

[Opinion Owner]

Thanks for mho

[HawkPerception]

The truth is, I do tend to be a little biased towards women who were married. I loosely assume that they did not bother to filter well enough before getting married; didn't learn who the guy truly was before taking tying the knot.

But the truth is, I'm also well aware that people make mistakes. I'm no exception. I've had past relationships that did not work out, with it being both my fault and my partners in 3/4 scenarios.

But those are relationships. Maybe it's because I've never been married before, but I kind of have that same "I'm invincible because I'm young" mindset... like... I won't make that mistake... I refuse to and will filter extensively before taking the plunge myself.

Again, no hate towards married women. It's an assumptive bias that I know is not necessarily correct, but I still think applies to many or even the majority of them.

As long as the girl doesn't have kids (at this point in my life, because I want a family of my own and don't want to raise another man's kids), I think I'm still open dating divorced women.

[ohsheeT]

Well you know as well as I do that most men won't tell you this but they have part jackass in them they are selfish they are not caring and they think that they are all that so when you first meet a guy the moment you hear Hee Haw it's time to run not all guys are like this but most are

[DishLady]

And so what do you do when the jackass hee haws? I'm standing here watching one who I've gone 20 rounds with and we're back to "square 1". I like him... but I don't want to chase him or do all the heavy lifting for him. He presumes I have baggage... because HE clearly has some sort of baggage he's not telling me about.

[ohsheeT]

Is it baggage that he has or is it control issues that he has

Maybe he's not used to somebody standing their ground

I don't see you having that gets I see you having boundaries and that's what you want to be treated I mean if you can't understand that then to me that is somebody trying to control you and wanting you to do it their way

[ohsheeT]

And maybe you should say well what you see as baggage is I see as a learning experience that I don't want to go through again I don't want to do the heavy lifting I don't want to make it all about you all the time because when this happens this is what I feel and he will either listen or he will make another excuse and say something else about you and if he has another excuse instead of listening to you he's probably not the right person for you

[ohsheeT]

And if a person focuses on the things that you have or do

And can't let it go or can admit out loud that he might have the same problem or went through the same problem when he's just trying to keep the focus on you to take away the focus of him you need to really stop and think about what all of that means

That's the last thing you would probably want to do is get involved with a right fighter Can only see What they say And not see or feel our understand what you are saying Like I said it's simple You have boundaries And he needs to respect that If he can't do it today he can't do it tomorrow

[DishLady]

Baggage typically refers to anything that would cause an emotional or mental block against dating or relationships.

[ohsheeT]

Yes or something that he wants you to do his way are you want to tell you that's what you have going on because he wants to create or use it for an excuse for something.

You should tell him it's not baggage it's a phobia of being controlled by somebody manipulating them and if you want to call it baggage so be it call it what you want I call it my boundaries

[DishLady]

I don't know. I've never seen a guy so... confused. He wants me, then is chicken or something, then is upset if I so much as look at another guy. So I stop, look to see if he's going to shoot his shot, he says or does something ridiculous... and then I walk away. We've done this a number of times and I personally don't get what he wants from me.

Guys LIKE to be in control and that's fine with me, but then the guy has to SHOW that he's capable of being in trusted... consistent... which tells me that he can handle being in control. If he's gonna be a total goober then he won't be getting that benefit. At least not from me.

I'd be happy to let him do things HIS way if he showed consistency... did something to build trust.

[ohsheeT]

Yes I was just going to say the same thing I mean if he wants to be in control prove that he can be in control without backstepping or being 360° out you know

And to be honest it's not even the being in control it's being in control of things that only should matter to you and your decisions he can't control those type of things and when a guy wants to control what you do what you say what you anything that's just a big red flag to me

I look at it like this I don't care who you are I can't tell you what to do I can't tell you what not to do that is your right as a person as a human being is a woman and there's just some things that are you know you just don't interfere with is the way I see it

[OlderAndWiser]

Perhaps some younger men are more self-centered and narcissistic; I can't explain their behavior except to say it is a warning sign: run, Forrest, run!

As for me. . . I try to live by the Golden Rule. I have a history and battle scars and, sometimes, I act like the walking wounded. But I know that, and I understand that is part of what my partner tolerates and endures while she loves me. So I try to give her the same acceptance, patience, and tolerance that she gives me.

[Finchie40]

It’s probably because we live in a judgmental world filled with judgmental people that easily assume the worst case scenarios’ over the actual truth, A lot of guys’ and girls’ assume things that they don’t have no clue about. Unfortunately social media is a big part of that reason as to why people assume things before knowing the actual truth. Most people are face planted to their phones over the actual world around them and live their lives in false reality over actual reality

[worldscolide]

It's like this. I never expected no baggage, everyone has some baggage at any age. I expected it to be minimal.

And for the record I expected the same of my self. My rule when dating is her body count can't exceed mine, because the greater the number the greater the amount of baggage.. When I married my wife I had dated 7 women including her, and had been sexual with three, including her. And this was at the age of 29. She had only been with one man prior to me, and she was 21 when we met..

But again we don't expect zero baggage, just minimal baggage.

[DishLady]

I personally try to take each person I encounter as an individual, so baggage from a past individual doesn't taint my association with new people. HOWEVER if i have a negative association with a person it's difficult to then treat that person like anything more than a complete stranger.

[worldscolide]

True.

[exitseven]

I dated a divorced woman for a while and it never entered my mind that she was somehow damaged. I think if somebody was divorced more than once it would give me pause.

[DishLady]

Here a lot of my guy friends won't date divorced women "bc they're damaged" and ofc they say that to me, who has been divorced and single for decades now. Smh.

[exitseven]

@DishLady we do not know each other but you seem pretty put together to me.

[DishLady]

Thanks @exitseven. I try, though I have my days, lol.

[spartan55]

I approach it as everyone has past, every story is different. I certainly don't expect a clean slate at my demographic.

[DishLady]

Yes, but some guys in our age range claim they go for way younger gals bc there's less baggage. Meanwhile guys young enough to be my kids complain that gals their age are nuts.

[spartan55]

That's why I don't go for women significantly younger. Less baggage? Not necessarily. Less mature? Usually. I'll pass.

[DishLady]

LOL.

[NoDecision]

Everyone will wind up with some baggage, or they didn't live their life.

[sawno]

Maybe I am the exception but I don't mind a girl with baggage, the only condition is that its baggage I can handle. For example lets say her ex degraded her in some way and she feels like she's not good enough for me sometimes. I don't mind giving her reassurance when she feels insecure, I love being her comfortzone. Its when that happens to often or when I can't fix it that it becomes an issue.

[Ironco]

My past relationships the woman either passed on or I still am friends with. After an initial cooling off period.

That's just me and how I am, though...🤷‍♂️

[DishLady]

Hmm. But that doesn't mean "no baggage" on your side or theirs.

[Staximus]

Just tell them “you’re single right now so all your past relationships must not have been perfect, either. So are you the problem here?”

[DishLady]

LOL! I want to see the guy who likes that answer…

[MissSunshine2]

Unrealistic expectations.

[_Jenny_]

@DishLady That’s life