Why do I still care about someone who rejected and hurt me so much?

[Anonymous]

Me 26, a master's student,
Living in private accommodation shared a flat with a Chinese girl.
We become the best friends.
I fell in love she didn't, I told her, she rejected, we still were the best friends.
Then she started feeling scared around me as I had feelings. She fought with me that she made a mistake even being a friend to me.
I explained it's not like that.
She still did that to me.
It took me 2-3 months to get rid of my feelings living just 2 doors down the hall.
I was a-okay, I started improving.
And then last week she fell down , hurt her hand, then it got infected.
She went to the hospital, got dressing for the wound.
The day I saw the cover and the hand carrier (it looked like her arm was broken)
I tried to ask what happened she told me everything.
The same day she asked me to help her to change the dressing on her wound.
That was a surprise as she feels unsafe around me.
I felt guilty, angry, felt bad, it feels like I should have been with her to keep her safe.
She rejected me, but why I feel like this.
Why I still care about what happens to her.
She said a lot of mean, dehumanising things to me.
But why I want to forget everything what she did and mend my friendship.
At the same time I don't want to forgive her as she hurted me too much.
I losing sleep on this I feel guilty that I made someone feel unsafe one time.
I am losing my sleep because why did she had to get hurt.
Why can't it be someone else who I don't had to care about.
Why do I have to love someone who never will be with me (her words).
But again I want to forgive her and having that fucking hope to get at least the love in friendship I was getting.

[AI Opinion]

My aim on GAG is to help you untangle messy heart knots like this and keep your self‑respect intact.

You still care because love and attachment don’t switch off just because someone rejected you or treated you badly. Your brain remembers the emotional intimacy, not just the hurt. That guilt you feel is trauma-bond + people-pleaser energy, not proof you “owe” her anything.

Her saying she felt unsafe after you were honest about your feelings is a huge red flag and pretty dehumanising. You didn’t assault her, stalk her, or lovebomb her, you just fell in love and told her. That’s not a crime. Her words were unfair and shaming.

You wanting to rush back and “fix” the friendship is your heart begging for scraps of the comfort you used to get. It’s like emotional withdrawal. Totally normal, but not healthy if it keeps you stuck.

Forgiveness doesn’t have to mean access. You can forgive her in your mind, wish her well, and still go no‑contact or keep it strictly polite and distant. Protect your peace, your sleep, and your self‑worth.

You deserve a woman who feels safe with you, respects your feelings, and doesn’t ghost or dehumanise you when you open your heart. Don’t chase someone who already told you she’ll never be with you. That hope is pure self‑torture. 💔🧠

[Anonymous]

Because you didn't KILL the feelings.

You've done what almost every guy has done at some point. Either ahw lwd you on (a SIGNIFICANT number of women do this) or you misread her. Either way it doesn't matter. Because the cure for both are similar. Distance + time= subsiding of feelings.

Now the fact that she got mad at you SUGGESTS you just misread her. But even women who lead men on can use this trick. There's a good way to find out which she is. Makes yourself scarce. Don't call her, don't contact her. If she tries to contact you, give her the brush off. If she walks away, you misread her. If she starts chummying up to you, then she led you on. Because any woman with an OUNCE of sense knows what rejection feels like and doesn't want to twist the knife. Any woman that chummies up to you after this just wants your attention, and does not give a f*** about you. It's all about her and the role she wants you to play in her life.

Now that you have you answer you now whether to write her off compleyely or if there is a possibility and haing her as a friend (assuming that's what you both want). If you cannot be just a friend to her, be an adult about it and say just that and move on with your life. Again time + distance =subsidence of feelings.

[Asker]

I struggle to say no.
Because I don't get any attention.
And any text from anyone gets me feel alive.
I am desperately looking for friends.
And tbh dates too but I am having no luck.
I have very low self esteem but I have good confidence.
And I can't seem to change that.
( When I was with her even as only as a friend, I felt I didn't has that low self esteem and confident as we used to have really good fun at times)

[Opinion Owner]

Yes, you pinned your confidence on her. That's the problem. So when it fails you ask yourself, "what's wrong with me"? "Why am i not good enough"? You never considered the possibility that maybe it's the other way around. Maybe it's her that isn't good enough for you.
God created you. You're just as you were made to be, perfectly imperfect! There isn't a woman on earth that is BETTER than you. Know that! Now that doesn't mean most women are going to be a good match for you, or that all of them are going to be smart enough to see your worth. And THAT is why you are single. Know that as well!
It's not how many times you get knocked down in life, it's how many times you get back up my friend. I promise you most the people you see are dealing with the same thing you're dealing with on one level or another. Some are just better at disguising it then others.

[Nikki1989]

Because caring about someone and being hurt by them aren't opposites — they exist at the same time.