Do guys feel more comfortable being dominant in a relationship?

Question

I get it, it's 2011 and both sexes are equal in most aspects of our lives today. However, I get the feeling that sometimes guys need to reestablish their dominance and masculinity in some aspect, to compensate for another area in which they lack that.

Say your girlfriend is REALLY successful at her job - and you're broke and/or unemployed. Some guys find that emasculating, and need to reaffirm their "virility" by compensating in other areas (i.e: bedroom). This is just a theory I'm putting to the test by asking YOU guys.

Do men feel more comfortable being on the more dominant side of the relationship? After all, we DO have a primal side to us that we'll always preserve, alpha and all that. Or are you indifferent- or even VERY comfortable having less "power"?

Feel free to present other examples, the financial one was off the top of my head.

ElijahCynicism · Accepted Answer

PART 2/2

I play Marlin Brando, or James Dean, or Errol Flynn. I want her to feel inspired or enriched by my very being, and I always achieve it; whether its by careful delusion or by merit of my life, it could always be say that I play that role. I arrive into her life on the cobwebs of old tragedies, curious and engaging and not playing those common games of machismo and disinterest that so plague the spirit of the other men she's bore, if any at all. And if she is a city kid lying drunk and revealed on dusty streets, I'm from a world of books and minds and wordyness impressing her confusion in temperate mystery, and if she's a weary-minded book girl I'm the relish of those dusty streets of drunk revealing, glowing with sexuality and beating with experience and fresh air. And I give to her a flake of my life in a weekend or two, and seduce her if she needs seducing, or console her if she needs consoling. Something new that she had never foreseen, to shake her vision and body with erotic despair.

As I said, whether it is by trickery or by merit I am this character and I always feel much better for playing it. If she was never amazed by me, even if she hid it well, I would not feel comfortable with her. I’d feel dry and mundane, and I’m stricken by that immaturity that compels me not to feel dry or mundane. Its something Casanova used to do, as you know was famous for seducing women, but he did it in this grandiose theatrical way, he too always had to play a character. He was a bit more, uh... INTO IT than me, though. He used have 4 acts; in the first, he would come across a woman in an abusive or otherwise downhill relationship, and console her for what she was going through, and attempt to help her. In act two, he would encourage her to and eventually help her to escape the man she was with. In act three, she expresses gratitude towards him and he uses it to seduce her, and in act four, when he tires of her he claims he is not worthy of a woman such as her and sets her up with a worthy, wealthy suitor to take his stead as her husband.

F***ing lunatic, like. But it’s not that far from what I’m doing, in the end; he never feigned a personality or assumed a persona, he was who he was. He just had a big routine. I have a routine too, I guess, and whether it’s to provide some solace to my insecurity, or merely to fan my ego, I rely on it a bit. I don't know what you’d call that, compensating Dominance for a freeloading lifestyle, or simply charming swashbuckling madness. But its in that *vein* at least, needing to play a part in particular. In that sense, I think everyone has a role they find most befitting to them, be it dominant, submissive, or a more specific character.

MrOracle · Accepted Answer

It really depends on the guy. Some guys couldn't be dominant if you held a gun to their head, and some are naturally ultra-dominant. It just depends.

BUT... as most women largely define themselves through their appearance and their relationships, men largely define themselves through their work and their ability to be a provider/protector.

I think that most mature guys can handle their woman having a high level of success, earning more money, etc., without too much of a problem these days, *as long as* the guy has at least a decent level of success as well. But if a guy is out of work, or has to take work that is very below his abilities (as is happening a lot with this economy right now), that could definitely cause a strain on the relationship.

Even today, men are taught, even as infants, to be tough, to be adventurous, to be protectors and providers, and to be leaders. And, even today, most women want those qualities in their man, even though it can lead to friction in some situations. It's a fairly new struggle, actually, because until 50 years ago, women simply didn't have anywhere near the level of equality with men that they have today. But society rules and mores, much less biological programming, doesn't change nearly that fast, so of course there is conflict. We're all still in the early stages of trying to figure it all out.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

Many professionally successful women are relatively modest/subordinate in their domestic lives for this reason. Having said that, there are certain types of men within the classification of "broke and/or (perpetually) unemployed" who feel it is necessary to make their woman feel like trash so they can feel superior. I'm assuming that we're leaving this select group aside and moving along to my answer:

While guys can be really supportive of their GFs/wives, they still seem to expect a few things -- "delicate"/"feminine" temperament and style -- that a quite a few girls don't necessarily make room for today. It's a shame, really, since that ability to be the "dainty female" (while being smart, supportive, etc., of course) is what makes us sexy and attractive to guys. They DO have an instinct to protect and be possessive of their girl's time and attention. It's rather sweet...sweeter still if you're receptive to it. Of course, it has to be the right guy, the right timing for both of you, etc. etc. etc.

In the end, it's a sort of Ying/Yang thing you need to come to terms with. The two individuals in the relationship just need to know where they stand, the roles they expect to play and the roles they expect their partner to play.

rachiee · Accepted Answer

Its human nature to want to be on top, regardless of sex. I think that in a lot of situations such as the woman having a better job the guy feels like he has to work harder or succeed in another aspect in order to keep her satisfied and there. But also there's guys who are okay with their situation and are comfortable with the woman being higher than them in certain area. I think it all comes down to the guy as well as the dynamic of the relationship. Some woman just have a lot more drive than others and push themselves to the highest possible level they can accomplish at work whereas the guy may be comfortable with his decent job and not looking to go much higher, it all depends on the person. Some guys care about having more masculinity while others don't pay much attention to it. I think you'll find that a lot more guys don't really care as long as the relationship is happy and striving as well as their partner is satisfied especially with how times have changed and there's no real prime person who "wears the pants" in the relationship.

kellyxo1 · Accepted Answer

I feel like my boyfriend is the opposite. Although we are both equal at this point in sucess, he wants me to be more dominant at least in bed. It was very strange when he first mentioned it a while back , but he wanted me to be with other men sexually if I wanted to. Although he is an alpha male in most cases, sexually he  wants or fanasizes about me with guys that are more well endowed than him. I was surprised when he first suggested this, and although I do not know I I will ever actually carry out this fantasy of his, I have thought about it at times. When I go out with my friends it is something that is always in the back of my mind because it is nice to have that freedom, even though I may not act on it. College is almost over for us and I'm not sure if its something that would happen after college.

Forgetable · Answer

Seriously what the happened to men being men? Honestly are all the A males tucking their junk too!? I mean come on man up, I'm not saying boss a woman around, I'm just saying take life be the horns be a leader and protector, be a provider, be a man!

If I were out done financially by my s/o would it be a big deal? Not really, but would I try to improve and do better? You betcha. There are two things that seem less common of my generation and following generations, one is chivalry is practically dead to all but the minority of us, and second men being more passive and subdued. I really don't get how men looking more feminine is "sexy" tight pants and long bangs make you guys look like cross-dresser, painting your nails with anything but the toils of your labor just seems wrong to me. I connect more with the elderly than I do with most of my own generation.

Whatever happened to men being men and women being feminine, equal rights is fine, but if you want that "independence" don't expect assistance unless you're willing to ask for it. Dames are virtually dead too, air-head 4valley girls don't count.

ElijahCynicism · Answer

PART 1/2

It's strange, I do get the urge to be more... Not dominant necessarily, but the *stronger* party; relationship or otherwise intimate friendship. From little things like the one who's alright during the scary film to like, really being unable to bear it if she sees me cry. And its very strange to me because I'm really quite feminine; I used to wear makeup and cross-dress and things, I mean, I was really girly. Not so much now, but my personality still doesn't convey anything particularly masculine. But I still feel this urge to be that way.

'Dominant' noy necessarily, though. I mean... While I can and do enjoy being dominant sexually, I'm primarily very submissive - like, verrry submissive - and on the income front I've always been inclined towards bohemianism, so untill I finish up where I want to finish up - trillionaire rockstardom, haww haww - I'll probably always be earning less than her. You can apply that to all the other typically dominant aspects; I'm very sick and as such, very weak, and I'll probably at least a little weaker than she is, which a lot of fellas find verrrryyy emasculating. Never bothered me. It upsets me if she makes jokes about it or something, 'cos I feel *guilty* for it, but other than that nagging sense of potential inferiority, not at all, no. I don't know where that inferiority thing is coming from.

But I do have a role I generally play, and I don't know where that fits on the spectrum. But generally... I like to give her a kind of sense of something she's never seen before. I play the American Soldier coming to Britain and stealing the faithful wife of the British man who is away serving war. I play the luminary vagabond that mystifies her with his tales of far away worlds and far away women. I play the pirate that sweeps the princess off her feet to deflower her.

Anonymous · Answer

It doesn't matter if he makes 100 million a year, a guy always has to be dominate in the bedroom... As far as compensating for other areas, no. I've never set out to buy women with money... I make enough for me. If she makes more than me, I could care less. It means nothing more than that she is strong enough to stand alone and take care of herself. That by itself is good trait.

If you look at a primal state, you will see the female that gets chosen by the alpha male is strong enough to fight for herself. She is dominate over the other females for example in a wolf pack. She's not a weak helpless flower that expects everything from the alpha male. I think your suppositions about our primal side are misguided.

AustinMan · Answer

People are all very different on this.  Some men can't really function in a relationship where they aren't sexually very dominant.  That's me.  There are other guys who can switch and others who need to be submissive.  The good news is that there are all those kinds of women as well.  I make somewhat less than my wife (for some good reasons) and we have finally concluded that it's not something she gets to talk about.  I don't spend any money to speak of because 1) I'm not good with money and she is so I just follow her lead financially and 2) I don't feel like the money is half mine--it's more hers.  I'm okay with that generally as long as she doesn't rub it in.  However, once the clothes start coming off, her ass is mine.  I've been that way all my life, even in my first marriage where I made about three times what my wife did.

TimeAndTimeAgain · Answer

I personally don't care. As long as I feel she really loves me for the way I am, it doesn't matter to me on how many areas she does well at. And I wouldn't really try to compensate for anything else. I'd just think that she would have her reasons for being with me and be grateful for that.

Personally though, I can't seem to figure out why someone who is very successful, would want to be with someone who isn't on the same level. As a guy, I wouldn't mind, obviously. But I'm sure we're all aware that girls operate differently in this aspect.

Phoenix1991 · Answer

I'm extremely comfortable with my wife/girlfriend is making more then me, or better at me at certain skills,etc.

My view is that I'm not insecure about being a man. What makes a man a man is the proper mentality to not be intimidated. Back when we humans were just came into existence, men were known as the hunters,the providers and the defenders, The females were responsible for cooking and looking after the kids.

After centuries and centuries, women finally got their right to step outside of their husbands shadow and able to make a name for themselves. Some guys feel if they aren't providing for their family, they feel like they lose their man card. Which isn't true, but others take it to heart.

Personally I wouldn't mind, because in the house hold we are both the leaders, but I can be the leader or the follower, makes no difference to me.

Side note: Actually I prefer being the follower, less work for me to do.

RedThread78 · Answer

I think relationships should be a mutual give and take. Both partners should have moments when they put their foot down and say "HEY we're doing THIS tonight!" =D I think it's sexy for a girl to be headstrong and make her mind up when she's really passionate about something and I'm sure women feel the same way when a man stands up and does it too. It's all a give and take. So I guess in summation I like when dominance is shared in part as partners.

Anonymous · Answer

I like to be dominated in every way, but it is hard because my female nature wants to be dominated but my modern nature as part of the society we live in, where women can have careers, wants to take part of that too, and I'm going to be a lawyer so..

I guess I want someone who is basically equal to me in terms of education and all that, because I value that and I want him to do the same.

But personality wise I'd like someone more dominant, and definitely someone more dominant in the bedroom. I like being dominated by a man, someone who can take control of me (not in an abusive way), I guess I have a big old chunk of "traditional girl" in me, I love older dominant guys.

We can't have it all, and our society definitely challenges traditional roles. Sometimes I like it, sometimes I hate it, and I think it gives both sexes advantages and disadvantages.

mobiusforniner · Answer

I make all the big decisions in our relationship... you know, foreign policy, whether to raise or lower taxes, military movements, the economy, global warming.  She does the rest.

taster · Answer

I voted "A"...thing is I feel like I would be fine with it...amd I am accustomed to viewing females as equals...on the other hand..I have never had a girlfriend that made more money than me so I imagine I would have some adJusting to do...I am fairly domestic and do most of the cooking in our house(and have always done so) ..and I could probably be a stay at home dad...not sure I would be happy with that tho...

arashmenalagha · Answer

do you mean primal side like a monkey? then no. But I do like to win and take over others and take charge.

not woman is going to make more money than me at my job, it's just not going to happen.

but even if she did I wouldn't care, more power to ya :)

queenofpeen · Answer

I don't want to speak for my boyfriend, but it seems like he's actually UNcomfortable being dominant. It just isn't who he naturally is. I like it :3 He's "impressive" in other ways, like maturity, intelligence, understanding, etc. which are way more important to me than being aggressive in the bedroom.

WeaponZero · Answer

i don't feel comfortable being dominant and I don't feel comfortable being submissive.  I feel comfortable when we are both two independent people who happen to do well together.

foolycooly1001 · Answer

Women want dominant men, so men are dominant. Let's rephrase the question:

Do women feel more comfortable being on the more submissive side of the relationship? After all, we DO have a primal side to us that we'll always preserve, alpha and all that. Or are you indifferent- or even VERY comfortable having more "power"?

thefox · Answer

I've been in a good relationship for about two years now. Personality-wise, I tend to be opinionated but measured and objective, and not usually deferent. Sexually I am kind of submissive, and my girlfriend is not particularly dominant, so I think I come off as girlie to her. If she finds it offputting, she hasn't made it obvious, so I guess this is one example of differing roles in and out of the bedroom. I'm working and she's still in college, but if she made more money than I do, it wouldn't bother me at all and it certainly wouldn't change the way I view my role in the relationship.

gialuan · Answer

I like my guy to be dominant in the sense that he's not afraid to take charge and make decisions. Being the oldest child and used to make decisions, I'd like the guy to take that responsibility from me and let me take a break from it. I also plan a lot of outtings with friends, so someone who can take that over would be nice too.

Stud101 · Answer

Meh.. I Love a girl who is dominant in her daily life like controlling the kitchen, the kids, in charge of some sort of group etc. But the one place I would like to be dominant is definitely in the bedroom. I think it's just weird having the girl on top, or pushing me into positions like I don't know what I'm doing.. She can start out on top, but she better expect to end on the bottom.

The penis is meant to enter the vagina. The vagina is not meant to envelop the penis.

AmberChick · Answer

It depends what you mean by dominant. If dominant to you means having a job and paying the bills, I think most people want to do that to feel secure in their own lives- if it's being more dominant in the bedroom, same thing- women and men might want to dominate every once in awhile and feel control. Therefore, I think it highly depends on the individual and is not gender-dependent.

Anonymous · Answer

Coming from a girls point of view. I can't orgasm unless the guy I'm with takes control in the bedroom (not talking about kinky stuff). He obviously has to respect me out of the bedroom and our relationship has to be equal in that sense. But it makes me more comfortable to let the guy take the lead. In a way its like me reestablishing my femininity.

probabilist · Answer

In terms of the bedroom I like to be dominant a lot but I like to be dominated sometimes too.  In terms of power in the relationship I would prefer and equal split.  I want a companion, not a babysitter or a baby..

Do guys feel more comfortable being dominant in a relationship?

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