HELP! I love my boyfriend, but he's not very smart :/

[Anonymous]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 4 years. I love him dearly. He loves me and makes me very happy. And we’re at a point in our life where we need to make some big decisions. (We are originally from different countries- I’ve been living with him in USA but now I need to go back to my country and he’s planning to move there with me, and we’re talking about marriage.

The problem is he is not very intelligent. I am someone who values knowledge and education - I’m in my 20s and I’ve just finished my masters at a prestigious university, he didn’t go to university- he’s in his 30s and currently works as a retail assistant. I didn’t think that this would matter but then I started noticing small things like he can't say what 3x8 is, he thinks WWII happened in the 60s, pretty sure he can’t place more than 5 countries on the map.. etc. and these kinda things really bother me. I’ve been trying to encourage him to learn more to work harder but no major changes have happened.

Worst, sometimes I feel attracted to other guys I meet whom I find intelligent.

I don’t know what should be my priority. Should I try to ignore these things as our differences, or should I take these as a sign and move away before it’s too late. I’m constantly having this dilemma. On the one hand I can see myself having a family with him and being happy, and on the other I see myself constantly being irritated by these things..

[Arwens-Fire]

For starters,I don't know him...OR you...but I will say,that there are different TYPES of intelligence.Intelligence in my opinion,does not start or stop at going to University. Some of the most intelligent and successful people decided to NOT go to University. And yet they still managed to make history,become self made millionaires...etc. I don't think its fair to say he is unintelligent,just because his intelligence is not the same TYPE as yours.That being said:

YOU are BOOK smart and according to you,he ISNT...that can potentially be a big problem. Why?Because there may not be a meeting of the minds on conversations,debates etc. I believe it is important for a relationship to have longevity,to be able to be on the same wavelength in thinking. I believe conversation should be endless.

Also,I don't see the relevance in mentioning that he works in RETAIL.At least he has a job...especially in this economy.BUT,I will say...I can understand thinking it is problematic if he is content with not doing much,or progressing to a higher paid job because that may incenuate that he lacks AMBITION...which IS a problem.

Side Story:

I dated someone who valued arguments on well known theories from philosophers,and scholars.Wanted to have arguments on how god doesn't exist etc.I respect peoples opinions,but I did not want to sit and discuss these things ALL of the time.Even though he was BOOK smart,that didn't mean his intelligence with memorization exeeded my intelligence in the area of life experience,basic knowledge etc. I would approach him with the simplest of things (common knowledge),and he wouldn't even think it was true,or he didn't even know anything about what the heck I was talking about.So,on top of his supposed "intelligence" he was quite ignorant on the most basic of things.With that said,we did not work out...because we could not seem to find a meeting in the middle of our..."intelligence". Both of us were bored to tears with the other. I wanted someone more lively,tons more life experience and he wanted a book worm. The moral of my story is:

If you find yourself looking outside of the relationship,and your gut tells you that you do not see a future with this man,save yourself and him the drama,and END it. You already have one toe outside of the relationship,so I recommend finding someone more fitting. You know the right decision. Good luck to you.

[Arwens-Fire]

Thanks for BA,how are things now?

[hotstudlovercupcake]

BILL GATES!

[CrystalMinds]

There are different kinds of smart. Booksmart, which he lacks apparently, street smart (though I don't know what that means), having social skills (being good at knowing how to handle situations and people), ...

I think it's important that someone can handle situations and people and just know what's going on in the world. Now, mind you, I know how it feels though. I once met a great guy, sweet, caring, cute, but he wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed if you know what I mean. He couldn't even spell my name right, even when it was on Facebook and my name was right on top of the page. A lot of spelling errors, which I hate (I know I make them in English, but not in my own language). And to be honest, I couldn't deal with it. Breaking up with him wasn't only because of him not being smart though, other factors did their role as well (being too clingy, stating that I was his and I getting upset with me when I didn't reciprocate his feelings when he expected me to, ...).

Anyway, I sense this is something you won't be able to live with. I suggest you try to ignore them, but that won't be easy. I'm not too smart about geography or math, but I'm good at psychology, languages, ... Maybe you can try to find some subjects he really is smart in. Does he say or do stupid things as well?

[Asker]

He doesn't really do lot of stupid things, I mean he's not an idiot, but it annoys me that he's wasting his life away. He did a 2-year college degree on graphic design and I've been encouraging him for the last 4 years to complete his studies. He could've been great but he never took the chance.. and we always argue over this.. I don't understand how someone wouldn't want to advance their life? He hates his job as a retail assistant and I worry that's what he's going to be stuck with forever..

[CrystalMinds]

Because he's happy with where he is. Someone I know had the opportunity to get a masters degree, but she was happy enough with her bachelor and so she quit. If you feel he doesn't like his job, ask him what else he fancies doing, if it takes a degree to do it, encourage him (don't force him) to go for it.

[diosadelanoche]

The whole "encouraging him to change" thing isn't going to work. You have to either commit yourself to learning to accept his intellectual shortcomings, or you have to accept that his inability to measure up is an obstacle you can't overcome. If it's the latter, it's not going to change, and you'll just grow more and more resentful. If that's the case, you should honestly consider ending the relationship. But if you are really committed to this man, you can't try and mold him into your ideal partner. He's not the one with the problem, as far as I know - you are. Therefore, if you want it to work, you have to be willing to work on yourself and figure out what you need to do to make this relationship work. It could be something that involves him - reflecting on all the things you love about him that make you want to further this relationship. Or it could be something you do on your own - maybe joining some sort of intellectual discussion group or a debate team that allows you to get your "smart talk" fix and be more content with your partner. But whatever you do, don't just ignore it. If you do, it might just explode in your face later on.

[KingsOfleon88]

Being intelligent isn't always about being able to point out countries on a map, or have a vast knowledge of information on hand, people excel in different area. You are only focusing on one level intelligence, book smarts. To me, being intelligent doesn't only encompass being book smart. Working with people and learning how to socially interact takes a level of intelligence. If he's a good guy, and makes you happy, I think dismissing him because of the fact that he didn't go to university and have a masters is pretty ridiculous.

[KingsOfleon88]

Also, when you love someone, you learn to love the person for who they are (even if it means he's not the most intelligent person around in your case). Love is more about how the person makes you feel.

[Asker]

I really like your answer. Although I never would dismiss someone for they didn't go to a university and don't have masters. I think you misunderstood me there. What I was trying to say was that, I didn't care about him not being a university grad but I started noticing things and they annoyed me. If I cared about his degree I probably wouldn't have spent my last 4 years with him.

But I do agree with what you say mostly. Maybe I just needed to hear this from someone else..

[Jager66]

-education =/= equal intelligence! some of the stupidest people I know are very well educated. from what you said tho he does sounds a bit slow.

-why can't you be happy being happy?

-why does he have to change?

-cant you love him for who he is?

it looks like the real problem in this situation is you not him, maybe its time to take a good look at yourself..?

[Asker]

Of course education =/= intelligence. If that's what I thought, I would've never started a relationship with him.

You're right though. I know the problem is with me.

-I don't know why I can't be happy, it's more like..I am happy until something like that happens.

I do love him for who he is..but I also feel a bit embarrassed by his ignorance. And I worry one day I'm gonna meet someone and fall for him just because of this.. pff I guess I need to see a shrink :(

[Jager66]

well good luck, hope you can work it out.

[sassyg1rl]

You need to move on. Intellectual stimulation becomes more and more important the longer you are in a relationship. Your social and professional circle will continue to grow and he will become a hindrance or embarassment if he is out of place.

I've dated my share of undereducated men. My last boyfriend, of over two years, was known as CBD within my social circle - short for Cute But Dumb. He was very smart about certain topics - like hunting or football, but very ignorant about other things. It was hard to let him go, but I loved him exactly the way he is and could never imagine pushing him to change.

[Asker]

and you never regretted it?

[sassyg1rl]

No, I don't live with regret. I love him and want him to be happy...I know that over time it will be a huge rift.

There are times I miss him, but I wouldn't pursue him again.

[heatherlu]

To me it sounds like you live life in very different ways.

You say you sometimes feel attracted to other guys, this is definitely a sign that things are bad. Ou should not be thinking about marriage at this point. I'm not saying it can't work, but that right now it wouldn't.

You clearly value different things in life. You your career, you book smarts etc, but to me it sounds like for him success means something different. Now these two views CAN work together but only if you can accept that just because you value success in one way, doesn't mean he views it as the same thing.

[Anonymous]

I seriously have to ask what state is he from? -.- Also, tell him that if he really want to he needs to go back to school or at least pick up a book. You can also make him watch programs on the the discovery, history and science channel. It's perfectly natural to find the trait that you find attractive in other men. If this is that big of an issue you might want to reconsider getting married to him if you are going to be annoyed, especially when having a discussion.

[sassyg1rl]

You shouldn't put requirements on your lover or try to change him...It will just create issues. We fall in love with someone for who he is, not for who we want them to become.

[nermalinda]

It sounds like maybe you two don't have enough in common. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who doesn't have the kind of intelligence that you want?

[yopyopyop]

So you're dating Homer Simpson. If you like that, be his Marge, otherwise, there are plenty of guys who can spell their name out there.

[hotstudlovercupcake]

hey that's I was going say! she not have to worry because they have 3 beautiful children and homer those not have to work hard for a living .