My boyfriend is wonderful...with the exception of one thing! Is it enough to break up?

[GuitarGoddess]

I can easily say my boyfriend is the sweetest person I know. He's super attentive, he doesn't get angry, and he knows how to handle estrogen seeing as he has four sisters of his own. We have so much in common- passion for music, goals in life that were actually going after, and were both savers ;). He's honestly the most perfect person I could even imagine and I fn love the dude. Problem is...this is only when I'm there!

He would go days without talking to me if I didn't text or call him. He's on vacation right now alone (the first vacation time we've both had with our BUSY schedules for over 5 months), and he's called me maybe twice and ignored my texts. I know what you're thinking, no he's not cheating ;). We had an agreement that when things bother me-I tell him in the moment instead of later so we can fix it. So I talked to him, as I have before..and he apologizes profusely and says I'm right and promises to be more attentive. And then he doesn't do it :(.

To give more examples...he didn't call/visit when I got gnarley stitches, he ignores/ditches me when were with his friends, and when he goes out alone he doesn't text at all (we agree individual time is muy importante).

So my biggest issue is basically that he doesn't give me as much attention as I want/need, says he'll do things differently repeatedly, and stays exactly the same! I am his first "real gf" and we've been dating for about a year now...but is this something to break up for? Maybe I'm just being too needy, idk! I def think there's certain things that can be compromised and I don't want to give up the love of my life for something that may be not as big of a deal as I'm making it. What do you think!?!

PS-I'm a pretty decent looking human and I share that with him every night...I just want HIS attention, not other guys' :(. Help!

Updates

+1 y

PSS- just because I have been getting this question a few times here, I would like to address it! I am NOT a clingy person, I don't expect nor do I enjoy daily morning and nighttime texts. I really think personal space is important in a relationship because I have been in relationships where there is none, & it's awful! We're both extremely busy (jobs+school, I'm in a grad program) & for the first time since summer we had a mutual vacation & he peaced out. In 2 weeks I got a total of 2 calls

[BrighteyedAsh]

Ouch. It's hard to say. Um...but if you've expressed that it upsets you and he doesn't take you seriously enough to make amends, you have to ask yourself how much he really values and respects you.

I'm trying to put myself in his shoes and it's pretty easy, actually, but the difference is, I act on it. I often think of my boyfriend without taking the time to...stop and text him so that he knows. I've learned to take the initiative in that area though, because I realized I didn't want him wrongly assuming I wasn't thinking of him. He didn't directly tell me, but mentioned how he felt about one sided friendships and I made it a point to show him that I thought of him even when he wasn't the original texter/caller. I'm still not the best about it though, because I try to avoid taking him away from his day to day activities to text me...but realizing that he wants the occasional random sentiment was enough to knock me into 'just because' texts, even though to me I feel weird about it because, frankly, if I can't be around, I don't like to suck up his free time with nuance. The separation it sounds like he needs to make is: putting your actual needs before the ones he may be assuming you into and remembering to value you enough to carry it out.

[fellylove]

To be honest, he does love you. I'm glad he is showing you that he loves you. You do have to understand that most guys don't carry their phones everywhere they go. Don't expect a call whenever you feel like he is ignoring you. He probably doesn't have his cell on him. If he calls you at all over his break, you can tell he is thinking about you. Don't blow up his phone texting him saying I miss you and all that. Yes he needs to change his attitude when he is with his friends and all, and I like the fact that you know that there should be personal space between relationships. But, you have to make him UNDERSTAND that he can lose you at any moment. you have to tell him straight up that if he treats you like sh*t when he's with his friends then he sure as hell does not deserve you. A guy that treats his girl right is when he acts THE SAME when he is with his friends and with you. He has to know his limits and show you off to the world. you should be his number one priority. Tell him that you don't play games, and such. You tell him face to face, that if you want the relationship to be serious, then act like it. treat me right, or another man will.

i hope you guys work out because he does sound like a nice guy and so do you. good luck babe. xoxo

[Primrose]

he sounds like a good guy and if you two have good communication skills then I don't see why you can't fix it. However, if he is doing this constantly it seems like he's not putting you as a priority. Honestly though f he's flaking on ou to be with his friends that's pretty annoying. I'd be kinda piss to because friendship and 'relationship are two different things and even though he has his 'bros' you're his girl and you should be his second priority. (family first :D).

I mean if you feel this way and he's not fixing it how long are you willing to wait? How long has he been doing this? I think it's fine if he texts you maybe once every other day at least but going days? If my boyfriend was ignoring me for 2 weeks and I've been trying to contact him I'd cut him.

You are his girlfriend, he has to want you and can't laze around just because he already has you. (Maybe you should ignore him for days and see what he does. If he doesn't act on it or thinks it's great then you two aren't on the same level communication.)

If he doesn't change how long do you think you can last in the relationship?

[Anonymous]

I understand where you're coming from and I also understand where he's coming from. It boils down to the fact that girls constantly love and crave attention from the man they are in love with. All of my gf's have always wanted to communicate with me far more than I wanted to communicate with them. After a while, you get comfortable in a relationship and don't feel the need to say the same things over and over again.

One thing that gets me about girls, is that they'll keep sending like the same messages over and over, or something similar each morning when I wake up. Yes, it is cute, but I don't feel the need to reply. I mean you said the same thing more or less since...well...forever! You can talk to him about him liking to talk/text more, but you could also text/call him less as well so it doesn't feel like a burden to chat with you.

After all, a lot of guys are very busy. Talking to the girlfriend constantly gets to drain us emotionally. We don't hate you, we just need a damn rest from all the estrogen and chit chat otherwise our balls will shrink. The dude has four sisters and you to deal with, plus his mom and any other female friends/co-workers. Give our boy a rest!

[GuitarGoddess]

I agree with you, I have NEVER been the "good morning baby" every day type of person... I think it's stupid! I don't call and text him all time at all. And I know what you're saying about guys being busy, but I'm BEYOND busy. I'm in the teacher credentialing program and literally work 50+ hours a week for free. That's why I am bummed, because we are both really busy and the first time in months that we had a mutual vacation... he peaced out and pretended like I didn't exist.

[Opinion Owner]

Usually pestering a guy about talking more will make him want to talk less. When we're ready to talk to you, we'll talk to you. Forcing the issue usually ends badly for the girl.

[TheGoodTheBadTheHOT]

Thats a toughy.

The lack of attention alone isn't much of a case to end a relationship. The constant failure to change it however, now that is certainly a start. How many chances have you given him and how long has this been going on for?

[GuitarGoddess]

We have had maybe 7 conversations about it in like a 4 month period. I feel bad because he is the sweetest person so our conversation consists of him saying: I'm sorry, I know what you're saying, I'll act differently next time! And then he focuses on all the positives, never screams or gets mad, & knows how to cheer me up (which I love). But then he does it again and when I talk to him about it, we have the same conversation. I don't want to keep getting upset but he keeps doing this :/.

[TheGoodTheBadTheHOT]

Then maybe instead of finishing it entirely you should suggest or at least imply a break to let him think about it.

You don't know what you had 'till its gone and all that.

[stubbsy]

I think you have a right to be upset, because it does sound like he is taking you for granted, and sometimes, although he has good intentions, a good wake up call to what he could lose is the best thing to fix things, so just say, you don't see the relationship moving in the direction you thought, he will ask you questions as to how and what, then explain that you expect more attention ie return my text, don't make plans and not keep, don't favour your friends over me when were out, because, you should be his priority, and he should be making the effort, if he keeps promising and not delivering, then maybe a wake up call is what he needs,x

[GuitarGoddess]

Thank you! I guess my problem is that I have had those talks with him, and he's all too understanding... but then doesn't live up to it! Meh it's a toughy

[stubbsy]

it always will be tough, but just always remember, are you worth more, if so , demand what you believe your worth,x

[GuitarGoddess]

I agree, and I enjoy all your feedback! Haha I don't know how to demand it though. I don't want to give him an ultimatum but he keeps saying he'll be more attentive when we're apart ..and then he's not. So how on earth do I demand more attention without playing games? Talking to him hasn't worked so far

[stubbsy]

Make a commitment to yourself, ie, if there's nothing more to this relationship, then am I holding back on what I deserve by remaining in it? but only you can decide that, good luck with your choices,x

[GuitarGoddess]

There's so much to this relationship. Other than his lack of attentiveness when we're not together, he is a wonderful person and we have an awesome connection/chemistry with one another. I feel like I deserve more and I am communicating with him that I need more...but he's not listening. I just don't know if I'm requiring too much or nitpicking about that. I will definitely take everyone's advice though! Thank you so much for your feedback!

[stubbsy]

your welcome,x

[SixStringSeal]

I think learning to be apart is just as important as learning to be together and it doesn't help you to freak out every time you don't hear from him. Some people just aren't the "talk to you everyday" types that others are.

As far as is this a reason to break up with him... MAYBE. Question is will that solve your problem? You feel bad now not hearing from him every now and again how do you think you'll feel not hearing from ever?

These are questions you need to ask yourself before you decide how you'd like to deal with this problem which may be a problem with him but it could also just as easily be a problem with you. I can't say for sure.

[GuitarGoddess]

Haha maybe I should have stressed this in my original comment, but I am nowhere near the "talk to you everyday" type person! Why? Because I've been in one before and it's annoying! That's why I'm bummed because I am NOT really needy but I do want some acknowledgment of my existence. I agree with you, I would be so bummed if I didn't hear from him ever again. I care a lot about him, I just don't know if he acts this way because he doesn't care or because he doesn't know how to be a boyfriend

[SixStringSeal]

how often does he initiate communication with you?

[GuitarGoddess]

Maybe like... 2-3 times a week. He's been on vacation for 2 weeks now (the only time since summer that we would have been able to have pure unadulterated time together-& the 2 weeks prior to that he worked every day so that he could go)& has called me twice. I told him I was bummed, he said sorry & that he'd shape up, that was 2 days ago. I understand he's on vacation and I get wanting personal time, but my life is about to be non-existant again and I didn't spend ANY time w/my bf.

[SixStringSeal]

It sounds like you two are on different wavelengths. To put that another way, he's a bigger part of your life than you are of his ya know? He has other things that he focuses on and even though he may care about you a lot, you're not the center of his world. That's probably what you want though. You want to be a much bigger part of his life. I would ask him about the future and where he sees you and him a year, five years, or ten years down the road. That might help you decide what to do.

[SixStringSeal]

And I don't mean any of that in a bad way. It's completely normal to want to be more involved in your partners life and if he doesn't let you in or initiate then that's a just reason to find someone new... I always encourage trying EVERYTHING you can to try to work it out first though.

[3boys4me]

Sorry but he's all talk and no action. The issue really isn't the lack of communication it's the fact that when you bring up things that are important to you he refuses to meet you halfway. You may think he's the most "perfect" person, but to me he just sounds super immature and disresepectful. When someone truly loves you they are more then willing to try and meet your needs because they care for you and want to make you happy. Maybe you should find yourself someone that is able to do that:)

[GuitarGoddess]

Haha well thank you! I guess I'm just considering everything. Yeah I could technically find someone that meets my needs, but nobody is perfect. Realistically, I feel like yes this is an issue.. but if I date someone else they may not do all the wonderful things that my boyfriend now does. I don't know if he doesn't care or just doesn't know how to be a boyfriend because it's still kind of a new thing for him. Mehhh the struggles of life >_<

[prophecy]

everything is relative/subjective. maybe you're too needy, maybe he needs too much space.

need some actual numbers and stuff; how many days/hours a week you two spend together, etc... how do you spend that time together etc...

need to get a full picture here.

[GuitarGoddess]

I am in teacher credentialing where I basically work for free every week for 50+ hours, and he is in school full time (12 units) plus works about 30 hours a week. So a couple nights out of the week I'll stay the night at his house but that consists of a 5 pm-8 pm hang out and we're both tired and stressed! So this was our first mutual vacation time since summer... and he worked extra before so that he could leave for 2 weeks. He comes home tomorrow and he has called me twice the whole time /:

[LoveLust]

Tell him straight up, at this point it's either your way or no way. Tell him that you need his attention, and that it's his last straw. Tell him to either ship up or ship out, because it sounds like the relationship I was in. Tell him how you feel, but try to not hurt his feelings.

[TheDigitalSaint]

While I'm sure you meant well with this advice, it is highly counter-productive. Men (and women for that matter) respond very negatively to ultimatums. We tend to shut down and ignore them and feel attacked. A compromise of her talking less and him talking more is far more realistic than just making him out to be the bad guy because she isn't getting what she wants.

[LoveLust]

I know, but in this case it's all or nothing.

[GuitarGoddess]

Well LoveLust and DigitalSaint, thank you so much for your responses! I am somewhat opposed to ultimatums, but I'm also out of ideas :(. Me talking less and him talking more isn't really the issue here though. We don't talk a whole lot anyway as I am completely opposed to clingy relationships... but that doesn't mean I don't need any attention at all. I have brought up his lack of attentiveness multiple times and he's always apologetic and willing to fix it.. then does it again a week later!

[LoveLust]

I understand that no one likes ultimatums, but it seems that there isn't a relationship anymore between you, too. Just be sure that if you're going to say it straight and be crude about it; to be sure to apologize later (don't be afraid to lay it on thick). You seemed pretty distressed about it, and that you NEED it to change and fast. I once dated a guy like that and because of the fact that I didn't tell him straight out: we fell apart. I just don't want anyone do have to go through the same.

[BelladeVegas]

I always say, a man don't pay attention to his woman and vi severs a...Bad, bad, bad...Doing things on he's way with out communicating to you, that an respect full and I think he do that because you let this to happened, he knows that he can get rid of it apologizing. Honey you are young and gorgeous you deserved a lot more than half man. Hope you make a good decision.

[Dionysos]

If you need X amount of attention and you're only getting Y, that might be a deal breaker for you. Only you know for sure. He isn't going to change, and if you force the issue he'll resent it and want even less contact.

[GuitarGoddess]

Yeah! That sounds about right. I'm starting to think that maybe he's just not ready to be in a relationship or doesn't want one!

[Dionysos]

Could be he just doesn't need as much frequent contact as you do.

[nermalinda]

I personally could never date a guy like this. Maybe you two get along, but can you be happy if you stay in this relationship? Probably not, because he's obviously not going to change.

[GuitarGoddess]

I almost agree with you! I take into consideration that I'm his first real girlfriend and he doesn't know how to be a boyfriend just yet, I just don't know how long I have to wait for that to happen. How many times is too many times to be told that he can't ignore me when we're apart? How long do I wait to see if he gets it? How many talks do I have to have with him before he actually does what he says he's going to do? Maybe a break up is the best thing... he just means so much to me :(

[thisusername2]

It seems pretty minor to me. I don't think it's worth breaking up over.