Why doesn't my boyfriend make plans with me?

invite me anywhere, involve me in his plans?

I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 2 1/2 years. We constantly argue about the fact that he will make plans with his friends and family and not tell me about it or talk to me about. He will mention it at some point just in passing. He says, "well of course you're welcome to come along," but it's really not the same as being invited. To me it feels like he could care less whether I'm there or not. Last Christmas I asked him if we could make plans for new year's eve and he told me he already had plans and that I was welcome to come but that's what he was doing. It's not something I wanted to be doing, so I didn't go with him. He would not compromise. He spent new year's with his best friend and his wife (in addition to spending the entire week prior to new year's eve with them as well - I didn't see him at all). Just recently I asked him if we could plan a trip this summer and he didn't seem that interested and said he didn't know when he'd be able to go (he's leaving in July for 3 months to go to OK for job training). The next day he casually mentioned that he had made plans with friends for memorial day weekend. I was not invited. Basically he never makes an effort to make plans for things we can do together, nor does he specifically invite me to do things with him. It has always been the case that if I want to spend time with him I have to initiate a conversation about it and hope that he hasn't made any other plans yet. I don't think he thinks about setting aside time to do things with me that might be special or meaningful. I think he thinks it's good enough that we live togehter and see each other everyday. The thing is though; we really only see each other 4 days a week for any significant amount of time (because of my work schedule)and that's if he doesn't have plans to go anywhere, which he does more often than not. I had hoped that we would get married one day, but he acts like I just don't mean that much to him. He gets excited about doing things with other people, but not with me. I don't wish that he would spend all his time with me or shouldn't ever get to do anything with his friends; it just seems like he doesn't seem to care whether we spend time together or not. He also used to ditch me a lot to go drinking with his friends and recently we had plans to spend the evening together but he decided to go to a friend's house to drink instead. At the time he promised me he would give up a ten day trip to africa if I let him go out that night. I said okay, but he went to Africa anyway and broke his promise. Our therapist says I shouldn't be surprised by this behavior because he's an alcoholic, but that's only part of the problem I think. Am I wasting my time with this person, or am I acting spoiled and needy?

I really appreciate the feedback so far. I think we do need to break up mainly because he doesn't care about my wants and needs. It's just hard to leave someone you love and wanted to marry.. but I guess I'm living a fantasy and I need to move on.


Most Helpful Girl

  • If he really cared about you he would be making a effort to be with you. You are basically a second thought to him, not a first and after two years you SHOULD be first. This sounds like the way people act when they are just casually dating in the first few months not like a serious relationship that has been going on for years! Yes, you are wasting your time. He wants you there probably for the convience of sex and company when his friends are busy not because he likes to spend time with you (or else he would be spending time with you) or because he loves you (if he loved you he would make more effort to see you and want to see you). So, why are you wasting your time with someone so undeserving? At this point in a relationship it is sh*t or get off the pot. People at this point either break up and stop wasting their time or if they are meant to be together start to move in together, talk about plans for the future (marriage, children.) The latter isn't happening, he doesn't even care to make plans tomorrow with you let alone the future, so why waste your time? You DESERVE someone who wants to be with you and spend time with you, who doesn't break promises and who doesn't have a alcohol problem. You ARE NOT spoiled and needy for wanting to be a priority in the life of the person you have been with for over two years now. That is a very reasonable request. I am not saying that he should want to be up your butt and around the cornor 24/7, but he should make soild plans with you at least a couple times a week and holiday plans (such as New Year's) should be made together. This is signs someone respects you, loves you, and enjoys spending time with you. If he isn't showing you he feels this way, please drop him like the bad habit he is and move onto bigger and better things (like men deserving of a girl as understanding and patience as you!)


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What Guys Said 1

  • "Just recently I asked him if we could plan a trip this summer and he didn't seem that interested and said he didn't know when he'd be able to go (he's leaving in July for 3 months to go to OK for job training). The next day he casually mentioned that he had made plans with friends for memorial day weekend."

    My sister died in January. My family is having a memorial service for her sometime this spring. The reason I don't know when we can go is because I DONT know when the memorial service is. The only time I know it ISNT is memorial day weekend, which she is working anyway.

    She told me to keep bothering my family to find out when it is.

    Also shortly after my sister died, I told her I was moody and upset because it was the worst thing that ever happened in my life. She responded I was making it the worst thing that ever happened in hers.

    Incidentally I can't afford to spend a week in gettysburg. I said we could go for a weekend. She said it wasn't long enough. I then said we could spend part of the time camping to cut costs. She said no.

    "The thing is though; we really only see each other 4 days a week for any significant amount of time (because of my work schedule)and that's if he doesn't have plans to go anywhere, which he does more often than not."

    Every week I've been going to Maine for a few days to take care of my dead sister's son so that my brother in law, now a single father, can go to work. These are the "plans" I make every week.

    "The next day he casually mentioned that he had made plans with friends for memorial day weekend. I was not invited."

    I am spending one weekend between now and mid July with my friends. One of whom is moving to CA in june.

    I used to invite her to everything but she always says no. I invited her to my family's for christmas this year and she said no. She wants me to keep asking her to do things even though the answer is invariably no. The reason I didn't ask her to come for the weekend (besides the fact that she would never want to) is because we are going hiking. I have three hiking experiences with her:

    1. Screamed at me for getting her up early, didn't go hiking (eight hour day)

    2. Went on 1/2 hour hike, complained the whole time.

    3. Recently went for walk in the woods, complained about how long it was (45 minutes) and the weather.

    • That's why I always say that we're only getting one POV.

      Are you an alcoholic, though? You don't have to answer me, but if you are, please, please get help. It will ruin your life, even if it doesn't seem like it right now. You might think you have it under control, but it's an addiction that is almost impossible to control. It just has to be broken.

      I'm so sorry for your loss and what you are going through. I wish you all the best.

What Girls Said 4

  • Oh boy. Honestly? Ok...I don't want to sound up front, BUT...you have got to leave this guy. If you find that you're the only one putting in the time and effort to spend time with him and he's giving you the "meh" or "whatever" attitude, this is NOT the guy for you. I mean yes you've been with the guy for 2 1/2 years and he'll say that you see each other all the time and he wants to spend time with other people and doesn't include you. That's just selfish. In a relationship, it takes 2 not 1 but 2 to tango. Seems to me like you're the only one dancing and it's getting pretty lonely.

    this guy knows that he's got you buy a string. if he ends up disappointing you like he has so many times already and you're still around? of course he's going to just keep doing what he's been doing because he knows that there's no consequences for his actions. if you want to make it work with him (really, if it was me, I would have ran the other direction.) then you're going to have to seriously tell him what it is you want in the relationship...i'm assuming that you guys go through this as well his alchohol problem during your therapy sessions.

    therapy sessions...if you're seeing a psych this early on in your relationship, do you really think that your relationship is going to be a successful union? if it takes this much for love to work then you can't really call it love. what I mean is when you're in love and the other person feels the same way as you do, well he'd put in the same amount of effort if not more to show you that he cares for you and wants you to stay. this guy isn't doing any of that. it's like, I you're there or not he's just going to keep moving on with his life doing what he keeps doing. another reason why I think you should ditch him is that he has another love which he seems to love more than you. by that I mean alcohol. you said that he'd ditch you and your plans with him in order to go drinking with his friends. it's not the friends he wants to see but a bottle of Hennessy.

    i know 2 1/2 years a long time and you want to help him out with his alcohol problems, but you shouldn't have to put your life on hold for someone who clearly doesn't care enough about himself to get sober or even care that his girlfriend is getting hurt because of his behaviour. I just hope that you realize that you are also an important person in your life, if not THE most important person in your life. I say kick him to the curb and start anew. life's too shrot to be wasted especially on someone who doesn't even deserve you.

  • First of all, no I don't think you are being needy, but of course, we're only getting your POV.

    What stands out to me, though, is that "he's an ALCOHOLIC." I gather that you are in couples therapy. Is he in therapy for his addiction and/or a 12-step program?

    I normally don't like to give specific advice, but I was involved with an alcoholic, so I can say this. Unless he *commits* to getting well, your relationship will only get worse. Alcoholics care about only one thing: drinking. If you get in the way of his booze, he will choose that over you. Sadly, I'm not joking.

    Please do not marry this man unless he has STOPPED drinking COMPLETELY for a substantial amount of time, like a year at least.

    Good luck to you.

    • Yes we are in couples therapy and he is not seeing someone for his alcohol abuse nor is he going to meetings or anything like that. He doesn't drink as much as he used to, but I think it's just a matter of time before he does start drinking heavily again because he's still drinking casually even though our therapist has told him alcoholics do not have the luxury of being casual drinkers. thanks for your advice. just very sad and I do feel like I've wasted a lot of time and energy.

    • I understand how you feel; I really do. I feel like I wasted 10 years. And of course you're sad - you still love the man he *could* be. I was the same way. I spent all that time loving a man who didn't really exist. I'm so sorry that you are going through this, but I am glad that it is early enough that you aren't married with children. You will have a better life with smeone else than you could have with him. ((hugs))

  • I hate say it but it sounds a bit needy, try making your own plans and hanging out with your friends and doing your own thing. if he responds well too it then you were being needy, if he doesn't and continues then you are wasting your time.

    • Great advise! I am gonna try to make that a way of life. That is so empowering that if I lived like that, I wouldn't give a sh*t what he did and I would be happy either way! Thank you, very insightful!

  • He's selfish and not thinking about your feelings. What do you expect from an alcoholic? When someone has a drug or alcohol problem they are not very good at prioritizing. So you can either deal with the shabby treatment or leave. You are wasting your time, you're not acting spoiled and needy honestly you're putting up with too much IMO he needs to go!