Do I have the right to give my boyfriend an ultimatum between our relationship & a rave?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend is a wonderful guy and you do trust him but he told me he is making plans to go to tomorrowland (the worlds biggest rave, literally across the world) with his two single friends, it's not that I don't trust him but I don't trust all the half naked girls all f***ed up on drugs and people do things they wouldn't normally do in a rave setting when they are all on ecstasy (I know he will do it) I told him this and he is still making plans to go even though he knows how uncomfortable it makes me, I ended up saying that I don't feel comfortable and that I don't believe a rave is a setting for someone in a serious relationship to be in, especially not the world biggest rave across the world and then continued to say that if he chooses to go that I will not stay with him? Is this selfish or am I being overly jealous or is this reasonable? I really need others opinions on this please.

[Anonymous]

You giving him an ultimatum is a terribly stupid idea.

Yes, he is going to a setting that is not the best. However, it is HIS decision and it is what HE wants to do. I'm not justifying his actions or saying they are right, but what I am saying is that it is something HE chose to do. I wouldn't be too concerned with the possible cheating aspect.

I've seen a lot more guys cheat in fancy ballroom dance settings than at raves. This seems contradictory, I know. However, most guys and girls can still hold a grip and not mess up.

The major problem is trust. If you are giving him the choice of being with you or going to a mega party because of the possible risk of infidelity, than you don't trust him. Shut up! I know you just tried to open your mouth to say you do, but you really don't. If you actually trusted him, you would allow him to go knowing he wouldn't cheat. You would also respect his decision and not use your relationship as a bargaining chip.

Here's the problem. Say if you go through with the ultimatum and he backs down to the concert. You won, right? Nope. He is just going to be disappointed, angry and longing to have gone. Also, his anger will be directed towards YOU, whether he shows it or not. So now he is mad that you are being controlling and not letting him live his life. If you had allowed him to go, everything could turn out better than expected and he might actually care for you MORE since you let him do something he wanted and gave him freedom. An easy way to get dumped by a guy is make him feel like you are controlling his life. An ultimatum on something he wants to do is not going to help your relationship at all. He will figure that he can just go find some other girl after you dump him form the ultimatum that doesn't try to control his life. So you are actually ENCOURAGING the cheating you dread by not allowing him to do what he wants. If he happens to go and cheats, than it is obvious he is not the guy for you so you can get rid of him anyways.

TL;DR don't do the ultimatum.

[Chuga]

An ultimatum is harsh and has far reaching consequences. Make sure that you know about these before doing so. You may well be within your right but I find the bigger issue is that you have to get to this stage where an ultimatum needs to be issued for this problem. If, as you say, you know he will do whatever it is that you don't want him to do, I would say the issue is not this rave but rather a trust issue in the relationship.

If you are not comfortable, you are not comfortable. There is no inbetween especially in a relationship. If you are dating him because of this wild side, then perhaps it is because you are not going that you want to give him this ultimatum. If you don't like his wild side or never knew about it, now is the time to determine if this is a person you want to continue in a relationship with.

Unfortunately you are in a catch 22 situation. If he cheats on you, you will get hurt. If you break up with him, perhaps that is what he wants so that he can hook up with someone at the rave.

It all comes down to you. If he does not relent, do what you think will be better for you. If your standards are different to his, this is showing it. Rather leave the person who has different standards to you and find someone who is similar to yourself.

[pooper89]

I think it is unreasonable to give him an ultimatum like that. If he's going to spend money on an international plane ticket then he must really want to go. And is there some reason why you can't go?

You're just going to have to trust him.

Although he's not entirely free from guilt either. You said he's going with single friends so it's almost inevitable that his friends will be trying to hook up with European girls.

This is really a battle you can't win though. Just try not to worry about it too much

[Pedantic]

My sinister side acting up wants me to say, "How come you aren't going to be one of those half-naked girls at the rave?" lol.

But I think its valid. If you don't want a wild ecstasy using raver freak for a boyfriend, then you can get one who is not.

Pick your standards, and then live by them. Its a very simple choice.

On the other hand, if you like the wild side and you think that part of him is what attracts you to him to you, then don't make the ultimatum. Go to the rave and take part in that attraction. It is also a very simple choice. You set this other standard, and then you live by it.

[AmongTheApples]

I understand how you feel, but you have no right to give anyone an ultimatum. Ultimatums invoke the psychological principle of reactance, which, more or less, states that when a person feels that their freedom is being restricted he or she will almost always go toward that which is being restricted. In other words, if you want to guarantee that he goes to that rave, then you should give him the ultimatum; or, in plan English, ultimatums do not work and actually cause the opposite of what you want. I've broken up with almost every girl that has ever given me an ultimatum (in fact, I can't think of an exception). No matter how much I liked them, how long we had dated, or how little I wanted to do what they were trying to stop me from doing. It makes you look insecure and—the most disconcerting thing—very controlling. I'm OK with my girlfriends trying to influence me to make the decision they want, but, when they choice to control, I flee.

[Anonymous]

"Do I have the right to give my boyfriend an ultimatum between our relationship & a rave?"

Only if you want to get dumped.

In my experience, any time a girl gives an ultimatum, she gets dumped.

The reason is simple - if she learns that this trigger works, she'll never stop using it for any reason. And that gets old real fast. Even if the guy is a complete wuss and folds each and every time, the girl will rapidly come to realize that such a weak-ass man is not attractive, and dump him anyway.

Ultimatums are the death knell of your relationship.

[standUP]

You should tell him if he thinks that little rave is something special L.O.L. ha ha just imagine about the worlds largest ORGY I'm going to when you're gone !

You have every right for that ultimatum and sorry that this didn't work out for you ? sad how selfish he is... You really do not want that back after that,trust me !