No, nice pie pleading always finish last. There's a difference between being nice and letting people use you. You have to learn how to be firm with your decisions and know when to say no. You can't expect people to not walk all over you when you don't know when to show them that they have crossed the line. You can't expect people to not walk all over you when you always please everyone.
There's a big difference between being a bitch and standing up for yourself. It also depends in the type of people you surround yourself with. If they're the kind of people who just want things out of you you also need to change who you got in your life.
Let me say this, I'm pretty cold hearted on the surface, and people think an asshole, I don't care that they think I'm an asshole and as for the cold hearted part, it's true I kindof am, but people will still step all over you and take advantage of you and it still hurts just as much, but when people see that you're hurt it's almost even worse because they think all of a sudden you're a "softie" or whatever.
Don't change, don't be cold hearted or a bitch, just be a little more guarded and realize when people act like that it's not your fault, you're not the one who should change, they should because they are obviously shitty people.
How do I do this? How d I put my guard up and stop myself from being so nice people hurt me or use me? I'm always so kind and always make people feel good about themselves and try to make everyone happy but they never care for me. They appreciate what I do in the moment and then leave. They only come back when they need something. I'm so tired of being hurt. I don't want to be nice anymore. I can't speak up or defend myself. Every time someone treats me bad I stay quiet and not tell them straight up what I really feel and I always forgive. I want to be like you ðŸ˜
Do * typo
Put your happiness first. Like if someone wants a favor from you, but you don't want to do it, say no. And stick to it. At first you'll feel guilty and want to give into people to make them happy, but stick to it and realize it's your happiness that matters. Be blunt and tell then the truth, that they can either be a good friend and always be around, but if they only want to be around when they want something tell them to fuck off. Being like me will cost you a lot of "friends", but the ones who stick around are the friends who are worth it.
I wish i was like you. That you had a manual I could read and follow the steps. Most people know that I'm so nice anything they do I'll forgive. They see me as very sweet but also very weak and stupid
It took me years of being stepped on and taken advantage of by people I viewed as loved ones, and even now I'm still too forgiving when it comes to certain people.
I just want to be able to have a voice. To not hold things in and defend myself.
Just start with little things, like being more assertive with your opinions and having more of a voice will come to you in time!
I hope so thanks !
You start being too honest. You move up the "bitch" scale 10 times quicker.
Honest about what? How I feel or everything
Please give me an example
Whatever comes to your mind (that isn't totally stupid) just say it.
Even if it comes off as mean or cruel
The problem is I always care about what people say about me or how they see me. But I guess I need to learn or else I'll be everyone's whipping toy my whole life
Yeah you sound weak
I know and I don't want to be
Yeah... It takes balls not to be. Maybe you are truly ok with being stepped on.
I'm not ok with it. I just know how much it hurts to be mistreated. I don't want to be the reason someone gets hurt or cries
Just speak your mind. If people cry is because they were stupid in the first place.
Okay
What do you mean by ugliness?
Why does it have to be either extreme?
Accept there's some bad guys in the world, but be intelligent enough to not think all men are the same. Don't be a bitch, but do be less naive. Don't lose your sweet nature, but do realise when you're being walked all over.
If you become a bitch- people will avoid you. They don't care what brought you to that point. If a waitress is rude to you, do you give a shit that she might have had a bad day, or do you just see her as rude?
Most people have a reason to be a bitch or an arsehole at times, it's how you handle it that determines the strength of your character.
Good point
Nice people "Get Used" if you don't want to get used stop being such a kiss-ass I was like that for a long time and I burned a hole in my pocket, gained practically no friends and can't even get a girl so don't be that people pleasing ass. Just say no be selfish things will work out better for you most normal people or average people seem like rude people but I guess you can't have it all. I changed I am still nice but to an extent I am not breaking my back to get nothing in return unless I feel bad for you!
Opinion
18Opinion
It just happens and it's almost as bad. Like I worry that now I won't ever really care about anyone ever again. I just eventually after getting walked on over and over again just lost the ability to really feel anything. I'm not a sociopath or anything, it's like there's a set limit on my emotions. I like girls but for years now that's as far as it goes. Just saying, it's not all it's cracked up to be.
Just keep being who you are. It'll get better. The people around me have gotten so much better, it just almost doesn't matter because I'm just numb to it.
Good luck :)
Thank you ! But don't you get hurt less now?
Yeah, but it's really not worth it.
I don't know. Being like this isn't worth it either
They're two extremes and they both feel equally horrible. You need to find a middleground. Obviously I don't know how you'd go about doing that. But you need to find a way to keep that sweet side but at the same time not let things bother you.
I will try to find a middle ground thanks !
Find yourself a douchebag/asshole/bady boy and mimic him. Let me know how that turns out.
In all seriousness though, plenty of guys make this sort of thread all the time and all they ever get from girls is "You're just not looking for the right one!" That's not really any help. From one of your comments down below, I see that you have often gotten used a lot by members of your own family. That sort of thing has a very deep impact, believe me. Don't simply try to "please" people and expect to be loved, that's what I'm saying.
You're right I've always pleased everyone in my life. Yet I get no love or appreciation. They act like it's expected of me and nothing more
No absolutely not. Don't let this world change you, who you really are. I am the exact same, EXACT SAME and I'm sick of it, but will I play the same game the people below me play? No, I will rise above it. I'll let them decide for themselves how they want to act. Some people realize how they've treated people and will try and fix it, these people care, and some will just continue to be mean. It's very hard to watch this, be strong, suck it up, and be the better person. Nice people will never finish last. I HATE that phrase. You can be nice and strong and finish first.
It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice. I'm nice and no one walks over me, because I'm not afraid to tell people off, or cut them out of my life completely. Just treat everyone as they treat you. That's how I manage to surround myself with people that wouldn't want to take advantage of me.
I think if you are frustrated with your passiveness, eventually you will change naturally. It happened to me a couple years ago, I recognized my problems and starting thinking about it a lot. The more it was on my mind the more my actions matched. Now I am more assertive and don't give a fuck if people don't like me anymore. I've progressed much farther these past 2 years than trying to be a nice guy before then.
I hope i do the same
It's easier said than done, I still haven't managed it myself and I'm 42. Some people just can't be a cold hearted bitch no matter how hard we try, butyou can learn how to be less naive and learn who wants to be around you for you and not what you van or will do for them.
You can be nice but also be confident and assertive. You don't have to be a bitch to not get walked over. You can NICELY say what you think.
How do I do that? I try that but they always pick up on my weak response
How?
By being hurt. Being trampled. and letting it get to you.. letting it eat you up..
I feel that now. But I still am too nice that is why i want to change and follow people's advice
I been through a lot but since I know what true pain is. I don't want to be the reason for someone else's pain. Even if they deserve it. But I need to change because I know they don't care about what I feel so I shouldn't care about what they feel
I don't want to change it. I just want to be able to defend myself. Be assertive and straightforward and stop people from taking advantage of me. I want to be able to defend myself
The people who I know that do that are bitches
Be my ex lol but be nice and avoid relationships I til you trust someone don't turn cold towards people its not right trust me I tried that and it didn't work out.
How didn't it work out?
Your not that you can't change. Plus if you try people will hate you. I went through that in HS lol and it went too far when a girl I didn't like asked me to help her with so. ething and I told tight after you go f*ck yourself cause I used to get pushed around. I'm regretful now cause I'm naturally nice.
Oh and so am I
a bitch? maybe a girl that can open her mouth and don't let herself get shit on. learn to be gross towards people you don't like, you don't need to be "appreciated" by the world. cold-hearted? another mistake, you don't need to be cold hearted but to release aggression when you need to, controlled aggression.
"Sometimes I am the statue and you're the Pidgeon, Today you're the Statue and I'm the Pidgeon"
How do I do that
being nice was my goal too but I've changed it to being a mirror of the people in front of me, if they are dickheads and I do same it's a little bad so.. I once got away from a bad situation telling a guy that I am his friend to give him an easy answer to his simplistic mind so he stopped bothering me. you can be nice but letting other people trap on you is stupid and being smart and nice is being a fakey kind to people you don't want to have around you and at the same time avoiding them. if you stick to asshole people you will see them trying to use you but if you try to avoid them but smile when they see you and talk to them for a little they will leave you in peace
A good girl gets her heart broken by an asshole and becomes a bitch. A bitch breaks a good boys heart and he becomes an asshole.
Beautiful
Why would you wanna do that my dream is to date a sweet caring and loving girl
Because at the end of the day being nice makes everyone use you or not appreciate you. Nice people get hurt the most
I feel your pain I'm a nice guy and a lot of people have steppes on me until they get put in their place. I think you should be middle what I mean by that is knowing how to put assholes in their place while maintaining being a sweet girl
I know but I don't know how to do it. Do you have to be cruel with your words or your straight forward about what they do that you don't like? And sorry you go through it too
Straight forward with things you don't like if they offend you say something
I just think you seem like a cool girl please don't throw that away because someone decides to mess with you because with driving away the assholes you also could drive away people that might be interested in dating you
Thank you (:
And I will try that
Just curious how old are you
23 years old
Same age as me
Really that's cool
I wish I could see a picture of you I bet your really cute
It may seem that nice people are losers but on the long run the are the winners. They might lose a few battles but they go on to win the war.
Whats a "Lady Care package"?
Question is stupid.
Why can't you just be a good, strong, yet firm person? Kindness doesn't mean weakness. Shit, you're surrounded by enough comic books and Marvel movies to know what a strong, yet generous person is like. There are plenty of people like that in real life (sans the powers but, you get the idea).
Because I don't know how to be nice and firm. I don't know how to combine them. I've never been assertive or firm. I'm very shy and quite and nice. People take advantage of that
So? You're trying to learn how to be a bitch. Instead of learning how to be a bitch, learn how to be a firm and assertive, good person.
All the positives, none of the negatives.
The people that I know who are like that aren't nice. But ok how did you become that way
Be really mean and bitchy, but only to the people who deserve it. Approach every person as if they have to prove themselves to you that they are a good person, that way, the few friends that you make, you KNOW are legitimately good people, because they had to run a hardass gauntlet to become your friend.
This method may not make you a lot of friends, but it will make you the RIGHT ones.
Ok thanks I'll do that
Ya that's me was innocent n became cold hearted, but now I found my balance in life. I choose who to care for, and who's worth it. Don't let people who don't care about you change the person you really are, just stop caring for them!
it usually comes from someone fucking her over in some type pf way. it almost never comes up for no reason.
I've been f over countless of times it's why I want a change now. I don't want to cry anymore. I just don't know how yo change my whole personality and go against my instincts
honestly you don't have to change for anyone. Someone will find you as you are and will love you unconditionally. If someone says you do have to change then they probably aren't there for you.
The nicer you are the more people use u. I don't know how to speak up or defend myself
whoah really? defending yourself is extremly fun cause it gives you the chance to curse people out and make them look stupid. How old are you?
I never curse out anyone even if they did something cruel to me. I just become quiet and sad and then I forgive them. they all see me as weak and a victim. I want to be tough and a bitch and I'm in my 20's
one day, someone will push your buttons soooo hard that you'll see nothing but red and you'll loose it. people WILL take advantage of you and keep hurting you until you become cruel and unforgiving. The fear of loosing people is pretty strong for people but you have to over see that. If someone makes you sad, your life will defiantly be 10x better without them i promise you. just think, next time someone really messes u over, just tell them how you really feel and you won't regret it i promise :)
Thanks. I guess that is my fear losing them but you're right I need to tell them how I really feel
It'll also clear up a lot of problems when you tell them your opinion. The more you confront, the better your relationships with your friends will be.
Okay thanks I'll do that
stop being nice
do not offer help
do not give them pencils or erasers or whatever they ask for
turn them down politely
make more excuses
be polite but don't be generous
I understand
you can be nice and sweet and also not be used... this sounds like an intellectual problem,
And how do I do that?
think in depth about each action, reflect on them when your alone, like meditate.
do not simply react or be leveraged because you have a good heart.
so for example if your brother is trying to borrow money of you, and he has already done this many times and not paid back... do not entertain his reasons, think of a way to tell him, its not healthy for your relationship.. and when he gets angry and calls you selfish... simply deal with it, do not answer to it with guilt and ultimately lending him money which you can really not afford anyway.
also gain some deeper perspective on your surroundings and the people there... you may already have taken a role or a position which you do not want... like a booty call girl or a money lender, or someone to tell all your problems too... its about ballance i think and not being right or wrong.
make excuses, stay always kind and sweet but not foolish.
Ok thanks
Crazy how hard it can be to actually not give a fuck sometimes.
I want to not give a fuck
That's like asking what's first, the egg or the chicken.
She prob had a bad upbringing and has been to hell in back and has nothing now
All it takes is getting you to the breaking point. After that you just don't give a sh*t.
when she decides to be selfish
I've never been selfish. If anything I put everyone else's happiness and needs above my own
sometimes we don't realize we are selfish unless the opposite person pointed out to us, i mean it always not what we say that matter we have to allow the opposite person views too
That is true
They take one look at me case closed.
How do they take advantage of you?
They try get stuff from me. Maybe material stuff or even sexual stuff. Or they are just asses. Or they might want to be my friend for convince. When they see I don't agree they leave or treat me worse. Even my mother and some family uses me this way.. I want to defend myself and put My needs first. But I never want to hurt anyone or make them feel bad about themselves so I forgive them.
Take advantage of them. Treat them the way they treat you.
That is what I want to learn to push past my good girl instincts and be a bitch they can't ever hurt or break her heart. Because she has no heart
I mean you don't even have to learn anything. Just observe how they treat you. Treat them the same way back. If they say something they're hypocrites.
@Thrifty what is the difference?
@Thirfty
And ok I'll try that
The difference comes down to setting boundaries. Being nice usually is aligned with being agreeable even though it may conflict with your own personal views or boundaries because you fear saying 'no' makes you mean. However, doing what is right is doing what is necessary in a situation because you know in your heart it is the right thing to do.
It is a pity that nice people do get taken advantage of because people are so used to walking all over them; however, one thing I learned is that saying 'no' to someone actually means saying 'yes' to yourself.
I always am afraid of saying no will be mean but everything you said is very true
Being born.
Nice girls don't finish last ugly girls do.
No nice girls get walked all over
Only if they're ugly too
You're wrong
Well done you have now graduated into cold bitch wasn't that hard now was it. I see you're very easy to manipulate
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