How Do I Look?

And please, I beg of you, if only for your own personal safety and mental sanity, never, ever say "yes" when we ask if it makes us look fat! That question is a setup. Look at us for .8 seconds and say, "No, not at all." If you don't look and simply mutter, "No", then we'll scream you didn't actually look. If you stare too long, we'll yell that you had to think about it. Anything other than .8 second stare followed by, "No, not at all", will get you in big trouble.

Now, you are probably asking yourself, why does this honesty loophole exist? Well, for one reason only - that's what we tell ourselves. When we're putting on those hot pink hot pants with the gold tank top and the faux cow skin boots, we're looking in the mirror and telling ourselves, "Wow, I'm hot!" It's not until months, or even years later when we look at old pictures of ourselves in that outfit that we say, "Wow, I looked like a prostitute!" So, even if we do, in fact, look like a prostitute at the time, don't tell us we do. Just nod, tell us it's great, and hope that no one from work sees you.

This is how things work between girlfriends as well. Here's a secret, the key to a lasting friendship between women is lies, lies, and more lies. Of course, this rule doesn't apply to shoes, handbags, or boyfriends so beware. All women, no matter how smart, successful, or attractive, are to some extent over-sensitive, high-maintenance, insecure, emotional beings. Most won't admit this, but it's true. What it means is that we just want to know that we're equal to or better than everyone else.

So, when we look to other women for approval, it's actually an exercise in bonding and competitiveness. Like men do when comparing engines or "muscle" sizes. When a woman asks another woman, "How do I look?" she will always respond, "You look great." (All bets are off, however, if the women really hate each other, but that's another issue altogether). The natural response to this is, "You really think so?" to which the woman will respond, "Oh yeah, it really brings out your eyes." What's important to note is that no matter how ridiculous we might look, another woman will tell us we look great. This is mostly due to the fact that women don't really want other women looking better than they do, not even their closest friends. I can understand how guys find this a bit ridiculous, but it's been this way for thousands of years and you'll never really understand, so just trust me on this one.

Another thing you might be considering right now is the fact that women are just plain crazy. Perhaps this is true, but it takes years of practice to perfect this level of insanity, so maybe guys should give us a little more credit for the delicate balancing act that is womanhood. From our earliest baby years when our mothers dressed us up in beautiful, frilly, pink dresses with the matching bows; to picking the gaudiest, ugliest, pastel yellow dress for prom to match that cheap, wilted corsage you bought; to truly believing we have to spend thousands of dollars on a dress we'll only wear once on our wedding day along with eight to ten tacky, unflattering olive green bridesmaids dresses, we have been programmed our whole lives that "how we look" is very, very, very important!

To recap, if asked, "How do I look?" always answer with, "You look great." Got it? Now, a word of warning, never ever answer with, "You look fine." To girls, that means, "You look fat." Also, when asked to choose between two outfits, never answer with, "I dunno." To girls, that means, "I don't love you enough to tell you which outfit makes you look best." So, get out there, tell us we look great, and revel in the knowledge that some white lies are necessary for a happy, healthy relationship.