We went a little too far on the second date, how do I help him see me as more than something physical?

This really great guy and I had two wonderful dates. We went for drinks both times, then to a comedy show the first date and to see a band the second. We had amesome conversation that flowed easily, and we seem to have a great connection (we even talked about how we're not usually so comfortable with everyone).

After the second date, he invited me back to his place to watch a movie. That's usually not my style, but I wasn't ready to stop spending time with him. I was very hesitant because sex and emotion are very connected for me, so I don't usually jump in bed with someone quickly. I made it clear that sex was off the table before I said yes, but we ended up going back to his place and getting very hot and heavy (in bed). We didn't have sex, but it was a very raunchy, over-the-clothes session regardless. We cuddled for a while, but I didn't spend the night.

The next day we exchanged some flirty text messages. Then last night (two days after our date) he sent the dreaded "What's up?" booty call text at 1am. I didn't respond and still haven't. I want him to see me as more than a booty call and feel like I need to pump the brakes. How do I do that while still keeping him interested?

Updates:
1mo Update: I sent a nonchalant, flirty text back suggesting that it was too late to text me. I didn't say it directly, but it sent the message. He got it loud and clear and apologized/asked me to please forget it ever happened. So we're moving forward. We'll see. I'll definitely be taking some of the suggestions from this thread in the process. Thanks, guys!

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Most Helpful Guy

  • Here's the thing; although he messaged u at booty-call-time, that doesn't mean he ONLY sees u as a sexual partner and nothing more!

    During daylight hours, talk to him and ask him if he wants a future relationship or if he is just looking for a fling. That sounds bold, I know... but you have to see where he stands so you know whether you should continue seeing him or not.

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    • 1mo

      You're right, it's better to go ahead and get it out of the way than worry/wait/wonder. I appreciate your advice

What Guys Said 10

  • are you 100% sure it was a booty call? i mean perhaps he was literally just saying hey

    but regardless i think you just try to meet up with him again and continue to take things at the pace you want. maybe you could explain that what happened was out of the ordinary

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    • 1mo

      That will definitely be part of the conversation the next time I see him. Thanks for your input!

  • Send him a what's up text at 1 pm in the afternoon. Invite him out to dinner and have a nice romantic evening with him. Tell him your looking for a good partner in crime and are not a promiscuous plaything. Tell him that if he isn't interested in a relationship then this is the end of the line.

    By taking him to dinner you're taking charge of the situation and showing him that a relationship with you would be a two-way street. Most men are looking for an honest and fair relationship where both parties act and treat each other with respect, consideration and mutual appreciation. Good luck!

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    • 1mo

      Great advice. Thank you!

  • If a guy only sees you as something sexual after the second date, then it doesn't matter whether you have sex on the second date or the twentieth. That's the kind of guy that he is.

    If he's sending booty-call texts now, then you can see what he's after. You can't fix him, sorry.

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  • "I'm really attracted to you and our second date was a great indicator of the chemistry we'll have when we eventually get to that point, but I want us to give each other something better than just casual sex so I hope you'll trust my explanation when I say that we need to slow it down a bit."

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  • From experience, if he sees you as a booty call now, he saw you as a booty call before. Usually, if there is something there, even if you sleep with him on the first date, it won't really change his perspective of you. Unfortunately, it sounds like he wasn't looking for a relationship in the first place.

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  • He may not want the same thing as you do, but I'd say just keep refraining from sex and see how long he last. If he wants something more physical, he'd last a while, but if not, he'll slowly ghost you.

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  • If you ever want an idea of what or how to react check out Mathew hussey on YouTube he does advice for women professionaly. He's really good.

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  • Probably just wants sex

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  • Text him back "I hope you don't see me as just a booty call..."

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  • Hahaha! Okay, first of all, how "raunchy" is raunchy over-the-clothes? Did either of you orgasm? And did any hands wander under clothes even if you kept them on?

    Secondly, I'd say it was REALLY poor form on his part if the next communication he had with you was an attempted booty call at 1am. I think you clearly need to avoid that. But I suspect it WILL be difficult to dial it back form where you were on date 2 and still seem interested. At the very least see if you can get dates planned in advance rather than booty calls! :P

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    • 1mo

      Good update! Sounds like real progress! Good luck with the next steps!

What Girls Said 11

  • You are doing more than OK at the stiff arm respect me drills
    e. g. "What's up?" can get a response... if awake... if not booty included in message... as "Hi ya, just dozing off after a long day" if not wanting to talk & testing his respect for your welfare... or "Hi, can talk for about 10 minutes then may fall asleep in your face"

    What's going on now is that other gals are shopping around & seeing this guy for sale on the shelf, since he's waiting for you to show interest. That's the risk taken when pumping the brakes, not saying sex is OK & a sure hook or dibbies.

    Your best set of brakes might be to cook up things to do in public that are fun together NOT ignoring him.

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    • 1mo

      I once contacted a girl on FB between 2-3am while she was active. I said something along the lines of "hey how are you? Saw that you were active and just decided to say what's up. Hope everything is cool and I'll see you soon." She blew it out of proportion and probably thought I wanted a booty call or to sext. I distanced myself (unfriended her on FB) from her and now she seems to care and want my attention, even sending her friends to friend request me on social media. Was my message in ANY way creepy? This made me not want to text women around those hours or at all ever again as it made me feel depressed for a while when, my intention was pure.

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    • 1mo

      Thank you for your input. I appreciate the advice!

    • 1mo

      @SmokemJay Thanks bro for the respect. I always keep it 100 in all honesty but women don't even respect that either. I could understand sometimes why us guys do what we do

  • Have anther date with great conversation with him that ends before you spending the night a few more times. Tell him you don't usually go to a guys house in the second date. see how those go.

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    • 1mo

      Great advice! Thank you!

  • don't let him know you're on to him just yet. keep dating, get to know each other. masturbate before you meet if you have to.

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    • 1mo

      This response is so awesome. "Masturbate before you meet if you have to" actually made me laugh out loud in the best possible way. You are so right! :)

  • That's really cool you have found a man that you click with.. Maybe your looking to much into the ~booty call~ just show him a little wild side to you some think he's never done before or seen :) show him your inner child funny bubbly but next time you go to his home make him pinky promise that there is no sex and watch his face there will be a smile and he will look at you different... Trust me ;)

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  • Don't do anything on the 3rd and 4th

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    • 1mo

      GREAT advice that I will absolutely take

  • Go out on a simple date, or many. Hold hands, talk about your likes and interests. Explain to him why you wanted him so bad, what drive you crazy about him.

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  • say it directly. dont lose time.

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  • why are u trying to get a guy to see you as something more- if he already is disrespecting you in any way, its not going to get any better.. he'll only see you as a booty call cuz initially that's what he wanted from you anyway...

    he's a loser and not worth ur time

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  • He'll probably be done with you if you did that on the second date.

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  • You invite him out for a date, on your terms. Be a little flirty, but not raunchy... and then end the date and drop a hint that you want to see him again. If he contacts you for a date and not a 1 am hookup then game on, if he trys to make a booty call, drop him like a hot rock.

    You want a guy that is smart enough and respectful enough to understand and mind your boundaries. If he can't or isn't willing do that then he is not your guy.

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    • 1mo

      Amen, girl. You're so right

  • He really doesn't sound like a winner to me. Who invites a girl back after the 2nd date? You deserve to be respected and he needs to think of more creative date ideas in my opinion.

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