Yeah, I know a lot of you were expecting me to do a take on the Power Rangers, and I am planning that. (Though it'd be tricky, since they're so squeaky clean most of the time.)
However, I decided this would be a better one to do in a pinch.
So far, we've examined that Semaphore from Camelorum Adventures would be in jail for probably a third as long as the series portrays - more consistent with Prodigal's original draft than with the adaptation.
We also demonstrated that Casey from Tomorrowland would probably be serving life in Guantanamo, rather than being a leader of the future.
However, what about the kids in Big Hero 6? Surely, they have some explaining to do?
Now, we all know that How it Should Have Ended explained in detail how most of the movie's plot didn't even need to happen in the first place:
But let's just bypass that for now. The movie happened. Let's look at each of the characters that make up the 6, and see how much would really go down on each of their sheets:
Now, since San-Fransokyo is a merge of San Fran and Tokyo, I really couldn't tell you the laws in specific. But going by California law as a basic frame of reference, he was trespassing with the group on a government/science firm / whatever site when they were searching for Yokai (whom they didn't know was Callaghan.)
Since everything is illegal in California, apparently, I'm gonna say he probably gets cited with some sort of weapons violation for those fancy blades too.
His attempts to apprehend Yokai involve destruction of property in what California law would call a "wobbler" case, which would earn him a maximum of 3 years behind bars, in addition to the six months or so minimum he'd get for entering Yokai's lair.
We'll just say that's 4 years....
Wasabi was also involved in additional dangerous stunts in public with his blades during his latter battle with Yokai. This well-meaning vigilante surely caused a lot of damage there too, though most of it would be ignored due to Yokai inflicting oh-so-much more damage!
He was also involved at the docks, his right to be there questionable. If we're being a merciless hanging judge and jury, then he's looking at a maximum of 10 years, plus possibly some fines.
All around, pretty conservative, for someone with such crazy blades.
Fred thankfully doesn't have a high-pitch scream, like that other Fred. (Which outta be a crime in and of itself!) Still...this guy doesn't even bother with an alias! Quite uncharacteristic, wouldn't you say? Most of his charges would be redundant with those of Wasabi, except that he'd probably also at some point be charged with arson.
According to shouselaw.com, this is a section of California penal code on that:
The potential prison terms for willful/malicious arson are:
- Sixteen (16) months, two (2) years or three (3) years for malicious arson of personal property;
- Two (2), four (4) or six (6) years for malicious arson of a structure or forest land;
- Three (3), five (5) or eight (8) years for malicious arson that causes an inhabited structure or inhabited property to burn; and
- Five (5), seven (7) or nine (9) years for arson that causes great bodily injury.26
That's in addition to mandatory psychiatric evaluation and fines. I'm gonna go with a conservative figure, and say he gets 2 additional years to Wasabi. So we'll just say he gets 6 years.
She'd mostly get a redundant list to Wasabi as well. But minus the recklessness with blades. She'd probably get 4 years, plus labor to clean up all that sticky goo she litters everywhere. And fines for littering.
Due to being a robot, and his self-sacrifice, Baymax would probably be given some benefit of the doubt. However, he'd be viewed as a piece of equipment in Hiro's possession, not as an individual in his own right. Since he was designed originally for health care, he'd be appropriated by the state and donated to a hospital. He honestly wouldn't even have a problem with it.
He'd work long hours, happily, as a mindless slave to the health care-industrial complex. But think of the children! This would teeter dangerously close to a pro-slavery argument, which would be abused by the citizens and the government. Anyone who has seen The Animatrix or I, Robot knows where that might lead! If Baymax gets prosecuted, it's everyone else that loses!
Or, more horrifically yet, he could be re-programmed by the NWO euthanasia crowd to ignore the Hippocratic oath and start "mercy"-killing patients instead of treating them! After all, why care about them, if those in power can't use them as cogs? Mengelemax, anyone?
This feisty deviant is not only already in trouble for flaunting her sexuality so prominently at such a young age; she's also incredibly lucky that Disney owns both her and Tron, lest the latter would sue her for that costume design!
Gogo's real name is Leiko Tanaka, and this bad girl in Earth-616 has been to jail a few times, and has many connections in Japan's criminal underworld that she calls upon when she needs special favors that the superhero community can't provide her. She seems to not mind playing both sides, so long as the greater good benefits, as she understands it.
Disney's version whitewashes away a lot of Leiko's legal problems, but some of her hard edges still shine through. She is a very skilled motorcyclist, and also a crazy driver the likes of which makes her Fast and Furious material. She's probably received her fair share of traffic fines, though the movie never elaborates on that.
In addition to all of Wasabi's charges above, Gogo's driving in the movie should have had at least a few witnesses. In San Fran, that's 90 days plus fines. Tacked on with her other charges, and they might just officially make it 5 years solid (if she trades time for money.)
So she'd be gone as long as Fred. However, she might come out worse!
And finally, the kid in the most hot water of all of them! He has the same dilemma as Casey from Tomorrowland, in that he theoretically should still be facing a court date after getting out on bail. Granted, illegal bets on robot fights is extremely petty, compared to sabotaging NASA!
Depending on which California statute he violated, he faces a maximum of 6 months if tried as an adult. But that's where things get hairy!
Bear in mind, he was also at that lair with Wasabi and the others. He'd have Baymax taken from him, initially as evidence. Cass would permit the sale of Baymax to a hospital, and there goes that friendship.
Hiro would also have to deal with the fact that he tried to outright murder Callaghan at one point in the movie. And in custody, Callaghan would testify to that fact. Tsk tsk...attempted murder, boy???
Suddenly, none of the other charges matter. He's facing up to 25 years just for that! He'll be a man in his 30s by the time Callaghan dies in prison of old age, for terrorism!
Let's not forget that he also invented all the weapons that Callaghan used for the terror attack, thus Hiro could be charged with illegal manufacture of deadly weapons. Oh, but he didn't sell them!
He was going to. They got stolen, but that's a minor detail. Hiro is an accomplice, however unwittingly, to an act of terrorism. So let's just make that 25 year sentence into a 50-year.
Hiro and Baymax are toast. The others will get out in about 4 or 5 years, and be able to resume their normal, nerdy lives. (Assuming they aren't permanently outcasts.) Gogo will probably turn to a life of crime to sustain herself.
This has been an episode of How Screwed Are They, Really?. Stay tuned for more to come!
No, these kids can't be Immortals. Sorry, Fall Out Boy!