Girlfriend ignores me and never accepts my apology, even when the issue is her fault. What to do?

[Anonymous]

I have been living with my girlfriend in Australia for over 2 years now. We share this small house and everything. We are both not from Aussie originally. It seems that every time I do anything remotely wrong, it spawns 2 days worth of crying and ignoring me. Most recently, I nicely asked her to end her 30 min shower to save me some hot water. Eg. "knock knock on door, honey please save some hot water for my 5 min shower? :)". She comes out the door crying and accusing me of treating her like a houseguest. (?). This event comes after I told her something good had happened to me, she tried to turn it into an argument at 7:30am on our way to work. (We don't work together, but leave the same time. She said, "I never make mistakes, so I won't apologize to you!".

Since then (3 days ago), she's been a crabby mood & ignoring my existence even after I cooked her a nice surprise breakfast this morning (to start the day off right). Since moving here (I got to Aussie before her), I have made a handful of good friends. She's been here for 2.5 years, and seems to have put a WALL up to not be able to or not want to make her own friends. She misses her friends from her home country a lot and even once I asked her "would you be happier living in your home country now?". She replied while crying, "no". I said "do you want to move out and go back there?". She said "no" while crying.

So her friends here are who she met through me, but she seems to not have her own set of girlfriends and friends. Get what I mean. So whenever I do something, she comes along or does NOTHING but sit at home stari.

The short of the sad story is that she has been there for me during my dream of becoming a pilot. Recently I achieved that dream and she had been there for me since day one of training to the flight test. I keep telling her that I want to be there for her as well.. for whatever dream she wants to achieve, but she saying "nothing interests me!".

A while back when she was in a great mood, I softened her up for a bold question. I boldly asked if she felt she was suffering from depression. She said of course "I am fine". I told her I'd go with her to a support group because "i love you and just want you to be happy." She declined. Even our now mutual friends (my original friends) seem to say to me (when she's not around of course), "What's wrong with her? She seems distracted, sad always, out of it, etc. Have you asked her about this?". So even they seem worried.

As for a few days ago, the simple act of asking her nicely to save me some hot water for the shower spawned a 'not talking to me, off/on crying, (like summer thunderstorms)' and now it seems she beginning to turn over the framed photos of us which are all over the house. Help!?

I love her more than life itself, but I'd rather have her break up with me and move out than keep doing this to me. Any ladies out there care to help this friendly guy down here with some realistic help and advice?

[samhradh_leannan]

A lot of the time guys come here wondering why their girlfriend got upset about something, and I end up explaining why their girlfriend was justified for getting mad. This is not one of those situations. It sounds like you are being as sensitive, caring, and supportive as it's possible to be, so I'm not sure why she is having these extreme reactions. She clearly isn't very emotionally stable right now.

You have a decision to make. You can decide that it's too much, and end the relationship. Or you can stick around and try to convince her to get help. It sounds like that will be a large and stressful task, but there's a possibility that you could eventually get through to her. It's really up to you.

If you want to take another stab at approaching the subject of depression, I would suggest that you choose a time when she is calm, and then state plainly that her emotional reactions are abnormally extreme and that it isn't healthy. Then request that she see a doctor about it. If she won't consider it at that point, it would probably be best to end the relationship.

[samhradh_leannan]

I think the bottom line is that whatever she's going through is preventing her from treating you with respect and consideration. If she hasn't always been like this, maybe reminding her that a change took place could help her realize that she needs help. But do what's right for you. It's a tough situation and you don't want to get roped into playing therapist when you should be playing boyfriend. And she shouldn't be treating you badly, it's not fair to you.

[Asker]

90% of the time she loving and nice to me, but just some odd subject matter will spawn the "you don't exist and leave me alone" thing. Even when she's nice to me, she never does anything on her own or with her own friends (hence the wall she's put up to not make friends).

I will see where this goes for the short term.

I will talk to her when she's talking to me again. If this continues I will ask her point blank, "I love u, but need 2 know-do you still want to be in a relationship with me?".

[samhradh_leannan]

That sounds fair to me. Good luck!

[bunny_luv]

ok so the question I have is how old is she?

i'm sorry if that sounds sarcastic but seriously if she's a woman now and she made the decision to move to another country than she needs to make a sincere effort to adjust to a brand new life style. I know its tough. I've lived in different countries and I remember it was tough sometimes especially when I was younger and immature and insecure about myself.

i hope this doesn't offend you but seriously she shouldn't carry on like that. its like she has a complete lack of respect towards you and your efforts to help her adjust to life in australia. not to mention the lack of respect she seems to be having towards herself. and anyone else who is trying to make friends.

sometimes all we need to do is to adjust our frame of mind towards new challenges in life. like thinking of it as an adventure.

and if she's not willing to make an effort than there is only so much you're going to be able to do for her. and for your relationship. take care.

[Asker]

she's 30 and I am 41. We don't want kids and both love travel & adventure.

[bunny_luv]

oh OK. well then it sounds like she's having a hard time fitting in or at least feeling like she doesn't fit in. I'm not sure what kind of activities you two do together but I find going out and doing really fun things seems to help my spirits when I'm feeling down.

and maybe you were right when you called it for what it is... that she wants to go back home.

and maybe she doesn't know what is the right thing to do.

its good to be honest with the situation (which you have)...

[Hades]

Leave her before it's too late.

[Asker]

So you think it's hopeless then? Have you been in this scenaro then?

[Hades]

In my opinion it is. I've never been in a situation like this before but I've seen my friends in similar situations more than once. Cut your losses, man.

[Asker]

We live together and have been in a relationship since late 2009..

[Hades]

Guys have had deeper hooks in them and managed to pull them out!

[Asker]

Thanks for advice..

Any women out there care to ring on this?