How to be less shallow?

[Anonymous]

I just got pointed out the other day that I am really shallow and always have been, its the reason I can attract guys but can't keep them. I know it sounds horrible in a question, but I honestly never realized, but do people always know their flaws? I've always watched TV where there are shallow teenagers and I always think they are idiots and here I am 25 and a shallow hypocrite. at least teens have a reason to be shallow, they are young and don\t know any better. however, at my age most people have families and don't care much about things like looks or what someone is wearing

i make fun of other girls who have ugly faces and yet I tell people all the time that we need to stop bullying in high schools because a girl just killed herself from being bullying. although the girl I just made fun of is my age, so she wouldn't kill herself. she's an adult and old enough to not let words hurt her, but still.

so today when I saw her, she lives in my building I talked to her in the elevator. she looked really shocked that I would talk to her. I told her she can hang out with me sometime and she told me not to do her any favors and looked angry. but I guess I've been making fun of her for the last year because of her face. now I feel bad. it's not something I've ever thought about.

but I've never been in a long term relationship. I've had plenty of boyfriends, but nothing for a long time and I remember a lot of them saying it's because I am shallow and high maintenance.

it was my favorite aunt in the whole world who pointed this out to me because I have no friends anymore. I am lonely and that ugly girl would have been doing me a favor, not the other way around.

any advice?

[Anonymous]

I originally gave your question one star for the ridiculous amount of insensitive, inconsiderate b*tchiness, but if I could take it back, I'd give you four stars because of your honesty and this post is very interesting.

I think the key for you is to humble yourself. I'm sure you are nowhere near perfect on the outside. No offense, but it's clear that you're far from ideal on the inside. At least you realize and admit that you have a problem though :) that's the first step. At the end of the day, guys don't care how hot you are if you don't have much to bring to the table. They want a girl they can pour their heart and soul out to, someone they can break down in front of, someone who will understand who they are as an individual, someone who has a sense of purity to her in terms of her heart, someone who is selfless and would make a good mother and life partner. When you look at it that way, being that type of gift for a guy is so much greater than being beautiful on the outside. A guy would pass up 'the superficial, b*tchy, insensitive hot girl' for the not so physically ideal girl with a good heart. If he wouldn't, then he's just not very smart.

Anyway though, I think you need to have the flaws in you put in the spotlight. You need to be reminded that you are in no position to act like you have some right or some place to be so harshly judgmental. I mean, clearly you're not that desirable if you can't even get a guy to be with you for very long. You need to humble yourself and learn some compassion and not be so insensitive.

[redmenace]

You know how they say, "the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem" -- you just did it. I congratulate you for accepting your fault, being honest about it and wanting to be better.

This is a great time for you to learn about yourself. Take a up a hobby (photography, music), try new things (travel), LEARN something of actual worth. Try to find positive qualities about yourself other than your looks and build on those. Shallow people tend to be exhausting to hangout with bec they don't know anything of real depth.

The girl you teased-- she won't be the last person who'll doubt your sincerity about changing, so be ready. Your family and friends will especially get on you about this. Know that this is a repercussion of your past actions. Don't be discouraged and just keep at it. Once they see that you're truly making an effort to change, they'll get on board. I wish you the best of luck!

[redmenace]

Learn to CARE about things other than yourself.

[kheserthorpe]

Well this will sound incredibly harsh, but I am trying to be helpful.

It doesn't sound to me like the problem is that you're shallow.

It sounds to me like the problem is you're often not very nice. I'm going to hope you're not a cruel person, and are just - truly - thoughtless - as in you don't THINK about other people and their feelings.

So you need to get in the habit of doing that. Basically you're a bully, you probably bully your boyfriends, and that's why none of them - friends or boyfriends - stick with you.

Friends and boyfriends are not just things to be used for your amusement while you grace them with your presence. You're supposed to actually like them, care about them, and want to make them happy too.

[Asker]

well I never made fun of my friends or boyfriends but my boyfriends always got turned off whenever I made fun of some ugly girl. I like to make fun of girls with ugly faces. and guys loved it in high school, but I guess that's because we were young. I just kept up the bahaviour into my 20s without realizing it. most of my old freinds have moved or have families. and I can't seem to make new friends.

[TheDigitalSaint]

I'm going to give you some very simple, but very powerful advice.

Sell your damn television. Put it on craigslist. That's right. You don't need it.

Next, go pay a visit to a used book store or buy a Kindle. Read, read, and read some more.

People that read and acquire real knowledge and not just the garbage that is on television become less shallow with time. I admire your courage for admitting you have a problem.

I sold my television years ago and don't regret it for a minute. You can get your news online and I've done a lot more reading and other activities instead.

You'll feel better in no time.

[arashmenalagha]

well, that sound very sincere I appreciate it. Just try to keep talking to that woman from the elevator, tell her you need her. and you'll do anything for her time. In my opinion those are people that can help you greatly. I would love to have her, as a friend.

[Saber6]

i doubt if this is gonna make anything worth wild but, if you do make the change from not being so "shallow," you would be the the most genuine kind /coolest ever. just my thoughts, but 'shallow' people are just nice people who haven't blossmed-ya know?

[Anonymous]

Do volunteer work helping those less fortunate than yourself - Meals On Wheels is a great charity to work at.

Or go get your nails done and make fun of the girls face who is painting your toes.

[evergain26]

I humble myself by finding the flaws in myself. This grounds me and helps me to see people as unique instead of flawed.