He cares so much about me but why don't I want to get together with him?!

[boopdoop]

I have a friend I've known for two years who's recently told me he loves me. He said he's been having these feelings for a year now.

Let me establish that he is one of the closest friends I have and that we are currently neighbours in uni housing.

He is really, really sweet and would be a very good boyfriend. He's really observant when it comes to things that I do and he's always making small gestures that shows he cares. This is especially easy for him to do because we live next door to each other and he comes in to talk and leave me little notes all the time. He's doing a lot more now that he's established he wants something more from 'us'. He loves his mom, straight A student etc.

Yet I'm reluctant to get together with him and I'm not sure why. Everyone seems to think we'll get together eventually and that I'm suffering from some kind of commitment phobia because I've never been involved in a serious relationship before.

He's been really understanding about my feelings and asked to 'just hang out, no expectations or anything' which is what we've been doing for a few weeks. We made out a couple of times, and in hindsight I'm not proud of it because I feel like I led him on. Making out was good, but it's helped me figure out that I don't want to eat his face every time I see him - does that mean that I'm just not physically attracted to him? Also, when I'm out without him, my eye still wanders to attractive looking guys and I have a crush on someone else.

I care for him too but I can't tell if all I feel is friendship or something more. I've taken care of him when he was sick, and baked muffins for him just because.

I wondered also if it's just that I feel the need to reciprocate because he's being so earnest about his feelings. I.e., if I'm only going along with it because I don't want to create conflict between us, which is something I tend to do - that is, avoid conflict at any cost.

He keeps telling me to give him a chance. GAG, do you think I should continue hanging out with him with this expectation that it might lead to something more (I feel like I'm taking advantage of him) and waiting to see if I feel differently? I.e., should I go for it even if for whatever reason my heart's not 100% into it?

Please also share your experiences about romantic relationships with once-platonic friends.

Thanks! sorry for the tldr

[InquisitiveMale]

"Learn to love" I believe is what they used to call it in the early-mid 1900's. Someone who suits your situation in life comes along, you have no emotional attraction towards them, yet for the greater good you get together with them, and over time you learn to love them.

I think it's true. You can certainly learn to love someone. I don't however think it's possible to learn to lust over someone. That instinctual attraction you're looking for I don't see you ever having with this guy. Sure he could possibly make you happy but happiness never really seems to be a driving force behind human action.

Tough situation. It's like playing a game show where you can walk away with 250,000 or carry on and go for the 1,000,000 and risk everything. What you decide is purely dependent on who you are and what you want.

[boopdoop]

Argh I wrote a reply but it disappeared. Essentially, thanks for your reply, I really like it and I'm amazed how well the 'learn to love vs learn to lust' explanation helps organize my very disorganized question.

I know that I could be with him and that he would do everything to make me happy, but

a) I don't know if I could be satisfied by that, and

b) It wouldn't be fair to him if I had feelings for other guys while with him. I don't want to hurt him.

[Kain6th]

I think you might have to face the possibility that you just aren't physically or sexually attracted to him.

I mean it sounds like this has been going on for awhile and if you still can't do it I don't think you ever will.

Soo I don't wanna sound like a party pooper, but you might want to just consider that possibility.

[boopdoop]

You don't sound like a party pooper! tbh it's a relief to know that I'm not the only one who thinks it might not 'work itself out after a while'.

Also thanks for that bit about physical attraction - a lot of my friends seem to think I should look past that and my inability to do that makes me feel guilty.

[cano2012]

give him a chance :) go on a date with him and see how it feels and then maybe you can decide

[boopdoop]

we've been on one actual date and two more casual 'hanging out' ones - they always end on a good note, but again, we were good friends to begin with! when I'm not with him I don't think about him and I can't help noticing other guys still.

[cano2012]

then I would say that you don't really feel anything towards him, and if you do, it must be VERY gradual

[yopyopyop]

No, you don't care about him. It just makes you feel secure to have someone craving for you.

Let me translate what you wrote "He's perfect, we get along so well, BUT I'll never let him get in my pants".

If you really care for him, stop letting him around you. You are just torturing him.

[InquisitiveMale]

Emotionally invested reply. Ignore it.

[yopyopyop]

Absolutely not. Calling a cat a cat, that's all.

[boopdoop]

I would like to think that I can care for him as a friend, and very much so, though I concede that you made a good point about how I might be hanging on because it makes me feel good to know somebody wants me. I've thought about that and it's giving me a headache.

I think that living next door to him complicates matters because I can't just 'stop letting him around me'.

Thanks for being frank though.

[yopyopyop]

That's the easy part. Change rooms, so you don't have to see him so often.

[boopdoop]

The contract I signed stuff means that changing rooms won't be an option til 1.5 years later. I guess I'll just have to tell him and then try to stay out of his way.

[Hyrule]

I would say that you aren't attracted to him in "that" way. Classic friendzone example. You have to be fair to him and tell him you aren't on the same level. Sounds like he earned that at least.

[dudeman]

if you don't want to date him give him a good chunck of time (a year) to just get you out of his head and develop a new social circle that doesn't involve you

[7gnat]

leave the poor dumb guy alone and let him "get over" you