Emotional abuse has pushed me into the arms of another man, what do I do?

[Anonymous]

Hi Everyone,

I won't go into too much detail as I don't want to bore you all! To sum it up, I have been with my partner for 3 years and to start with he was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with however slowly over the last 2 years he has begun to dominate me, expecting me to cook his dinner, do his washing, clean the house etc... He won't even get himself a drink from the kitchen, I have to do it for him, with no please or thank you! If I have done something that is not perfect, forgotten to wash a particular top, forgotten to buy bin liners etc I am useless, he tells me this on a regular basis and looses his temper, smashing things, destroying our home and belongings that I work so hard for, I do have to say he has never laid a finger on me but emotionally he has broken me, I am useless, Lazy and ugly, I have let myself go and am a whore, these are just a few of the regular insults that get thrown at me! I don't want to sound like I love myself but, I'm not ugly, useless, lazy or a whore! I have never cheated on him, and always thought I never would but while he was away with work and ignoring me for the entire 3 weeks as I had done something to upset him I was introduced to a lovely man by a friend, I instantly felt safe with him and after I had a few drinks and got emotional he just held me, with no assumption anything would happen. A few months on with a small amount of contact, I feel I want to see him and be held by him! I know how wrong this is while in a relationship but I am trapped with my partner, I feel like a prisoner too weak to leave and too scared to hurt him even though he has hurt me everyday for so long, I have threatened to leave before but he threatens me with suicide and also buy throwing things around me scaring me!

I don't expect anyone to have all the answers but a little advice would be great!

Thanks

[lost-angel]

My friend went through the same thing. Her ex-husband was so loving, sweet, and respectful of her when they were dating. He was crazy about her. Treated her like a queen. They dated for about 2 years then got married. After they got married, he slowly started to change. He abused her emotionally. She always knew he had anger issues, but never knew it would get worse. Well it did, and by then they were already married with 2 kids. She was miserable. He would tell her she's dumb, and fat, that she didn't know how to do anything. Everyday...

She knew she had to leave, but she just couldn't do it. She had many excuses. Many excuses. But I think, she was just scared. Scared of "life" without him. Scared of being alone. I think she was afraid of never finding someone who would be with her. She would make an excuse after another of why she couldn't leave. Until her daughter grew a little older and started seeing the way daddy treated mommy. The yelling, the anger, the words, the tears. It killed my friend. She didn't want her daughter to see her pain, and to grow up in that kind of environment.

She finally divorced him, and moved to a different country with the kids.

it's been almost 8 years now since the divorce, but she is still suffering, mentally and emotionally. She is hoping time will heal her. But I don't think it's working. Although they have no contact with each other, I could tell her ex-husband still haunts her in ways.

Now, just like you, she is longing for love. For someone to hold her and make her feel safe. I know she longs for that.. emotional security, and acceptance.

You know what to do. I know it's not easy... but think about your future. Do you want to live like this forever? You see the signs.. and you know it will get worse.

I just.. really hope you do the right thing for you.

Oh and as for the other guy... just be friends for now. You "think" you are interested because he is giving you something you wish your current boyfriend would give you. But you have to take care of things one at a time. Break up with your boyfriend --> let yourself heal --> then get to know the new guy.

[liquidlithium]

Leave the abuse!

You clearly do not deserve it, and the reason why you feel yourself gravitating towards this other man is because subconsciously you KNOW that's what you deserve.

You have to get yourself completely out of a relationship before you start a new one. But regardless, if something doesn't come out of pursuing the new guy, anything is better then the situation your in now with this asshole.

Do you seriously want to be a "ugly whore" for the rest of you life? As hard as it will be to leave, you have to, even though he hasn't gotten physical, its still abuse, and personally since I have had both I would rather be hit then have the mental abuse.

You deserve to be called a beautiful princess, and nothing less. I know its corny but its true. A man that truly loves and cares for you looks at you as something precious, someone they would never dream of letting down or making them sad or hurt.

You deserve better, and honest to god, you would be better off single then enduring one more day of this bullsh*t.

[CheekyBoomBoom]

You really need to get away from your current partner. You are no longer his equal but his property, maybe he calls you those names out of insecurities. I suggest that you sit down and think. You say he doesn't physically abuse you but emotionally you are getting abused on a daily basis this is not healthy. You don't know what might set him off and he will physically attack you. Get away obviously your happy in your relationship so you seek out. I would say leave your boyfriend and you need some soul searching. Don't jump in another relationship you need time heal from the wounds your partner has put on you.

[RhinoBob]

You are probably going to have to leave this guy. Abusers rarely change, and the abuse tends to get worse and worse, as you've learned.

But you'll need help to do it. When you're stuck in an abusive relationship, your thinking gets messed up.

You'll need to learn new skills and new ways of thinking, so you can live a healthier life. You'll need a support network of people who'll help.

Telephone a local abused women's shelter, crisis center, or police department. These people have the training and experience you need.

Good luck.

[jacquesvol]

1. Leave him if you can: he'll not commit suicide, neither will he change

2. Personally, I'd steer clear from an woman abused (physical or emotional) by a man if I hadn't long term intentions with her: she would probably want a long term security from me.

[jacquesvol]

Oops, it should be "nor will he change" in stead of "neither will he change" :-$ :-$

[Shlei3]

First off: Emotional abuse can be as damaging as physical abuse. This guy is terrible and does not deserve to be in a relationship with you. You deserve to be with someone who will put in as much effort as you put in. Please seek some counseling and seek a way to get out of this relationship. There are many women shelters out there that will offer therapy. The fact that you are afraid of hurting this abusive miscreant just shows how abused you have been. As for this new guy? Well, I would say be his friend and nothing more until you get some help and do some healing. Another relationship is the last thing you need right now.

[Anonymous]

I was in your shoes... except he did not call me ugly/whore. I've never cheated on him, but he'd accuse me of it 2-3 times throughout our 8 years of relationship. I left the relationship in the end because it is was unhealthy.

Leave for the right reasons (for yourself) and not because you met a new guy and he seems great compared to the current one. Even if you leave your current relationship, you need time to be independent and clear up your mind. Not wise to jump from a relationship to another, you need 'me' time right now. Figure out who you are first, what do you want in life, and learn what went wrong from your previous relationship so it does not happen again.

Since you are not married, I'd think it would be best to pack up all your stuff and leave while he is not around so he can't threaten you. Cut off all contacts from him.

[rockmom]

i think you should leave while you can still hold your head up high and love yourself and not buy into his degrading insults. there's nothing wrong with wanting comfort but you can't expect any lastiing comfort from anyone while you stay in this relationship and you may end up doing things that will bring you guilt and regret. and you don't deserve that, you deserve to be happy.

[NJNY09]

Well... you are not trapped by your partner. You are not married and besides the point, he is treating you horribly... you need to keep your head up high and leave the relationship... get yourself happy and healthy again. You need to be very strong. I have been in abuse relationships myself... and they do make you physically and emotionally sick. My advice is plain and simple... Know that you are a beautiful person, you deserve to be happy and GET OUT!