I am afraid of my boyfriend when he's drunk...

When my boyfriend drinks too much, he quickly becomes a different person. He becomes more aggressive, irrational, and completely unpredictable. Surprisingly, he has never cheated on me, so apparently he managed to obtain some control, but not enough control for me to feel comfortable around him when he's drinking.

Anyway, I've avoided going to social events with him for a while now and he's starting to catch on. I've explained that it's because I feel uncomfortable around him when he's drunk, but the doesn't seem to understand exactly HOW uncomfortable I am. Trust that I am not a "prude" or "wet blanket" by any standards, and being around drunk people in general doesn't bother me, but my boyfriend's much different than the average drunk person.

...nothing abusive, although he does tend to randomly get angry with me for no reason, and once, when I turned to leave he pushed me. (Not hard enough to even throw me off balance, but enough to cause me to become very upset with him.)

His 21st birthday is coming up in a few days, and I simply cannot get out of going to his "power hour" with him. I have been a nervous wreck about this for weeks now! I want this to be a fun event, but I am afraid he'll pick a fight with somebody (or me) and embarrass himself. I am afraid that his behavior on his birthday night will damage our relationship.

What can I do or say to make this situation better? Is there any way to help him understand how I am feeling? I would be SO happy if he were to have SOME control over his drinking - at least when I'm around - but I just don't see that happening as it is his 21st.



Most Helpful Girl

  • My father was an alcoholic and my mother went through the whole thing with being embarassed to take him to social activities. They were high school sweethearts and this is something she always had to deal with. Throughout there marriage he continued this behavior, and like your boyfriend was a completley different person when he drank.

    See, the thing with drinking is that the drinkers behavior will not change until THEY realize and accept that there behavior is unacceptable. He doesn't understand exactly HOW uncomfortable you are because to him his behavior is okay. Within the next few days you have to sit him down and have a very long talk. You have to tell him EXACTLY how you feel and how threatened you feel when he does drink. The fact that he did push you shows there is that streak in him, and drinking can def make that side of him flare up in a matter of seconds. He will most likely get defensive and say that your going to ruin his good time by nagging him about his drinking. When you talk to him don't just speak about his birthday make this in general.

    Because it is his 21st, he's not going to want to stop drinking once he gets a buzz.. My honest opinion is that if you were to go out, you should leave once that buzz starts. Let him no that your not going out with him all night, you'll attend his "power hour" and that's all. The crucial thing to do is leave BEFORE he's drunk. If you leave when he's already there, that's when the argument will start.

    Overall, his behavior is not going to change unless he realizes what he is doing is unacceptable. You should think about stressing that you may end the relationship if you continue to feel threatened because it is unfair to you to stay in a relationship feeling this way. Good luck!

    • Report

      Thanks for your advice! You understand my situation entirely.

      I spoke with him about this last night actually, and he completely understands. He's afraid, though, that his friends who will also be there for his birthday will pressure him to drink more than he'd prefer to. That's another thing - the influence his "friends" have on him. (He's in a Fraternity.)

      Ugh, what a HORRIBLE situation, lol. Anyway, thanks...

    • Report

      If he brought up the whole friends thing I would say. "Whats more important to you, your girlfriend who actaully does care about you, or a bunch of fraternity guys who are only out to have a good time?" You have to put a little fire under his butt to get him to straigten up, I'm sure you will notice SOME sort of difference then. Thanks for the best answer!

    • Report

      Good answer. Let him know that you love him when he's not wasted, but you can't stand the person he becomes when he drinks too much.

      If he makes real efforts to change, be supportive and see if you can help him find therapy/counseling/friends/family/whatever to help.

      If you give him a chance and he just keeps acting like he did before, make it extremely clear that you will dump him if he doesn't get his act together. Don't bluff. If it doesn't work, dump him.