I feel that, at least in the US, being single implies something is wrong with you. From relatives sympathizing about your love life ("it's okay. There's still time.") to bullies commenting on someone's singledom as a form of put-down ("he looks like he has a lot going for him but he has no girlfriend so ha ha") So I wanna know, what exactly are all the ways it is a fail? Like, really. I wanna analyze this. Because a lot of us have spent at least a decade or two being single. Plus there are people who stay in unhappy relationships for fear of being single.
Why do you think being single is considered a form of failure?
Okay your question is actually much more complex than I think you realize to answer but here we go.
First of why is it that being single implied as a negative or seen as wrong. Well to many being single is a sign of social dysfunction meaning that one may not have developed proper scocial skills that would allow them to approach another or be approached by another for romantic means. Often more than not that's simply not the case obviously people sometimes just don't want to be in a relationship or feel the need for one. Now why do family members sympathize and say things as you described. The sympathetic route in family is there mentality that maybe you are trying and not finding success in your serch which may be linked to family gossip which you know how that goes one person mentions one thing to another so on and so forth then it becomes "o that pore thing" and boom pity from family. Which funny enough that same pity is a total insecuritie hit that actually brings people to feel shame for not attempting to seek a relationship. Bullying it's simple people bully always for one of two reasons envy, or and this really applys to this case the false calme to status. Envy because maybe they do wish they where single still and are in an unhappy relationship or are simply not satisfied with who they are with so they put the single person down to make themselves feel better about their crappy situation. The other reason of status is an old one topically combining in envy in some way but the calme to status via who one is with has always been a thing "o I'm better than all the single people because I'm with someone that is attractive or has a lot of money or is in a position of power" the list goes on. They make others feel bad for being single often just because their lives aren't as world wind as they like to lead on and they realize that if they were single they would probably be doing more in life and not be stuck in a somewhat dull or lovles relationship. Then there is the more common single judgment the concern being that at a certain age if someone hasn't found a partner or mate that for women the ability to get pregnant will be much more difficult, or for men that the ability to find a woman just due to age and looks may make things more difficult. There is a part two to this that also needs to be mentioned so one moment.
Now the second part is clarification one being that not all people who are in relationships act as the ones I have described those described often are the exception not the norm. Secondly there are some people not all who do struggle to find a relationship and who do in fact have bad scocial skills, there are men and women who give up due to nonsuccess and or just have never found the one that matches them but those to are the rarity not the norm. Now in days people who are single are more actively seeking sex if they want it instead of a relationship which is fine not everyone needs someone steady in their life relationship wise. There are also a large class of people that are not good in relationships and remane single to avoid the previous pitfalls they have encountered you know who you are. Then there is being single just because you are actively seeking the one and aren't going to vomit to anyone that isn't him or her. Part three.
Their are some who live their whole lives single without finding someone or having the need to find someone and even have kids on their own. The point is we don't technically need one another there are options that can mean in life we never need a relationship or marriage or any of that. The key in life is happyness and happyness truthfully can not be had without others that's true but others doesn't have to mean a man or woman or children to be with it can just be friends and family and the enjoyment of life. Now for me I am in a relationship and it's new and she may break my heart or she may not I do it because I know I want to spend my time with her and be with her and know that she wants to spend her time with me and be with me I'm happy with her. A bit of advice all the other stuff I said asside if you find someone anyone that you love spending time with you enjoy them as a person and you are happy with them you better not let them go, part four.
Because then your aren't in a relationship because you let go of the one that made you happiest and that's just a loany life. Take the risk if you find that person because life is short and alone that short period can seem like an eternity. Take it from any old timer that has known loss or regret they'll tell you take the chance because it's true taking a chance and failing or losing is a hundred times better than not knowing or trying at all. If she breaks me I will fall but I'd rather fall than never have had the chance to fly, ID rather love in the moment and know love for only a moment and find loss on it than to never have had loved at all. Well that's my two cents aory for the length easy questions sometimes! es have difficult answers. I hope I've answered your question and that there is something good in your life I wish you luck in your life. Good luck dear in what ever your life's journey is.
I think it truly depends on your age, and where you are at in your life. If you're partying your butt off every night, getting wasted, waking up with random guys, and going to work looking like road kill at the age of 25+. Then yes... there is some level or sense of failure there.
If you're enjoying life to the fullest, working on your career, hanging out with friends, have hobbies that keep you busy, or just have another time consuming instance of your life that is healthy. Then it's absolutely not a failure. Being single doesn't have to be a defined vision of someone's failures. It just truly depends on what they're doing with their lives, and why they choose to be single.
@fr4nk Because you're abusing yourself by living such a lifestyle. Would you consider someone hitting themselves in the head of a baseball every night be considered healthy? Pretty much destroying one's self worth and mind by drinking and sleeping around constantly.
No I wouldn't consider it healthy to drink too a lot but I don't think that equals failure unless health is that important to you. For some people having fun is more important than being a health nut. I don't think partying or sleeping around necessarily does any harm to you self worth either. It depends on the individual.
@fr4nk Drinking to oblivion based on psychological knowledge is basis on grounds for general psychological problems. Having a few drinks here and there is not a problem at all, but doing so 3-4 times a week has been cased throughout most therapists as someone who is facing deeper, and darker issue's. Thus, bringing forth the concept of "failure" or the inhibiting something beyond one's attempt for a successful life. I've partied in my day, but then you see people who come in completely hung over to work every Wednesday and never receive a promotion. That is more of what I'm referencing to. Sorry if I threw in the concept of drinking to be bad in general. Also, sleeping around with multiple partners can generate a specific level of chemicals within one's brain can proceed to other problems as well. Giving a false sensation for feelings for an individual, or artificial feeling's. Thus, leading to a completed stasis of feeling alone once thus chemicals subside.
Hahah girl really? You think AMERICANS view being single as a failure?
Have you ever been to any country outside of North America/Western Europe/Australia/NZ? And/or do you know anyone from any country outside of those places? Because if so, you'd know how ridiculous this sounds.
I mean, yeah, there are certain segments of polite society where being single past a certain age will bring a certain amount of judgment. (NOT 26, by the way -- the judging doesn't really start until later than that.) But, compared to ANYWHERE in Asia, Eastern Europe, Africa, or Latin America? Hahahhahahah good one!
In any case, for women in particular, fertility is something to think about. Our fertility starts to decline precipitously around mid-20's, and it REALLY takes a nosedive -- like, off a fucking cliff -- around 30 or so. (If you've already given birth, that seems to "buy" another couple years of fertility, for reasons no one fully understands.) So, if people are expressing concern when they see that you are still single in yr late 20's, one possible -- and entirely understandable -- reason is that they're worried that you might be running out of time to have biological children.
The only time being single is a bad thing is when the person actually wants to be in a relationshio and share life with someone... but can't. Nothing sameful about that, it happens a lot, but the person we're talking about gets more and more agitated with time and becomes less satisfied with his/her life. However, there are people who are single by choice, and this choice can be inpired by several reasons, some people are loners by nature and don't like to have someone else sharing their space and their life. Others can't stand the routine and get bored real fast, and after a while, all they want to do is get the hell out of the relationship and look for the passion again with someone else. Some people are just too busy, some are too cynical.. It really depends. Society needs to understand that love is a myth (at least the everlasting one) people fall in and out of love all the time and not everyone can accept a loveless relationship even if it has other good aspects such as freindship, tenderness and mutual trust. Sometimes it is way better to be single than to stay in a bad relationship that gives you heartache and more troubles than you need.
It's really stupid marker for failure. I mean we all sometimes are single for many reasons. Some people are truly happy being single. While other people had something terrible happen and are just single now.
I hate how relatives and friends look down on me for being single. I'm a really nice person, I just don't meet a lot of guys. But I am also shy, I do talk, but I'm not good at approaching guys. Everytime I approach a guy he has a girlfriend.
So I have no idea what to do.
I guess people think part of what makes you a successful adult in the world is being able to have and keep a partner. But really, most people's relationships fail. I don't know too many people who stay with multiple people for years at a time. Usually it's just a 1 year or so thing and people break up. Or only a few months.
I guess it depends on whether you're single by choice or not. I'm single because I like my freedom and most people don't question my reasons. But the again, I live in Sweden. Different country, different culture. Here it's not a big deal unless you're 30+. Perhaps some people think that something is wrong with you but at least they refrain from making comments. As for the reason, I think it's mostly because it's a social/cultural norm. You go to college, find a job, find a partner and start a family. Not necessarily in that order but that's usually how it goes for most people. It's what's considered normal and if you fail to follow the norm (willingly or unwillingly, doesn't matter) people will start to wonder.
Being single CAN be a fail. It depends on your reasons for being single. I don't think it is a failure for everyone who is single. The next time somebody gives you a hard time about being single, reply, "Apparently, it's true that misery loves company!" :)
You're 26, if you're single there's nothing wrong with that. What you misunderstand I think is that people don't see singles as failures, it's more about those who's never been in a relationship at a certain age. For example, by age 26 one would have been through high school, college, maybe a job or two, or graduate school. That's a lot of people to be able to meet. So from an outsider's perspective, if you haven't met anyone you like from that huge amount of people, they will start to think maybe there's something up with this girl.
As for failure, sociologically speaking no it won't be considered, but biologically speaking if you're nearing your 30s and are still single you can be considered. Why is that? The goal in life is to reproduce healthy babies who will grow up and be able to take care of themselves. Studies have shown that women who have babies after 30, their babies are more likely to be born with defects. That's the only logically reason I can justify for relatives to calling you a "failure".
From a male point of view, I see that sort of shaming language as something that is directed at men who choose to not be a disposable economic support drone who makes himself available for exploitation by members of the gynocracy. When a man chooses to not participate in the hostile and exploitative legal structure that feminist lobbying has imposed upon normal heterosexual relationships, some woman, somewhere, loses out. As a collective, women hate that and become quite angry, especially women on the wrong side of 30 who discover that the good men who they rejected during their teens and 20s (because these men were not 'exciting' or 'fun' enough) are no longer interested. They may be 'ready for a nice guy', but more than a few of these men are no longer interested in them, or any other woman. Masturbation is an imperfect solution, but at least the man gets to keep his house, his retirement savings, his investments, his car and his future income. Nor will he be subject to false allegations of spousal rape, domestic violence and molesting his own children. Nor will a child-support order and spousal support be used to transform him into a woman's impoverished slave for the rest of his life. Look up why Robin Williams committed suicide. The alimony payments that he was ordered to make to his former wives exceeded his income, so he was staring down the barrel of the modern version of debtors' prison. The sisterhood uses shaming language and social pressure to try to coerce men to return to the plantation. A significant and increasing number of men are now so far away from that plantation that they are not going to come back, no matter how much shaming language is used.
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It's your genes. Like whether or not people want to admit it your genes really only "care" about one thing: making more of themselves. You exist because literally every single one of your ancestors were successful in doing the sex. So as a result the majority of anything alive today is going to have some kind of focus on reproducing further. It's so commonplace that a lot of people struggle to comprehend anything that doesn't lead to reproduction. Having sex is just expected. Since you're human and a girl people expect you to automatically want to reproduce and have kids and they expect for you to want to do that with another person because that's what a large majority of people want. So any reason you give for being single is translated into "I don't want to be single but I am and It's embarrassing to talk about" or "I've been single for so long that I've convinced myself that this is what I want to avoid feeling sad" so they think they're being nice by "consoling" you by ensuring you that you won't stay that way. So in short people project thier own past, beliefs, and feelings onto you and assume that you're just like them.
People consider being single as a failure because everyone thinks that if you're alone you are unhappy or are incapable of finding a partner, which couldn't be more wrong. Most people want a partner so they can't fathom why someone is alone or why someone would want to be alone and assume that they live a sad pathetic life. Society has taught us that the American dream is to grow up, get married, get an incredible job, live in a nice house and make tons of babies. and a lot of people are too stupid to fathom why someone wouldn't want that. Most people are so close-minded that they interpret the differences in lifestyles a problem. but it isn't. There are plenty of people who are happy being single forever.
Using 'It's okay, there's still time' as an instance of what people would say to imply failure: I think it's not like: "it's okay, there's still time... to improve yourself because you're a single failure and you suck." It's more like "It's okay, there's still time... tonnes of people in today's world suck absolute shit and you have to sift through the mud to find the diamond."
Someone failing to find a partner is more of a reflection on how messy society is (people texting during dates, people who just wanna hit it) than a reflection on the individual, for the most part.
For some reason some people in my life can't accept that I am currently happy being single. When I finally got out of my last relationship (it didn't last long) I decided to stay single for the time being since I'm going back to education this year anyway. I don't know why people can't get their heads around it.
In my life it tends to be the older generation (30+) or those who met their "one" early in life that struggle. Some people are so defined by the relationship they are in the wouldn't know how to be happy alone.
what you said about people defining their happiness on a relationship (s) is so true many people i know when they broke up lost their happiness and took a long time to find it after breaking up
1. Primary function of every living thing that has been created by nature is to reproduce 2. Everything else is only secondary to that by nature 3. This is not peculiar only to the USA, it's a global thing 4. The human mind is hard wired to think that failure is something very bad 5. Hence, all societies and communities have over the eons hardwired the thought that being single is a failure cause those that are single will not / are less likely to participate in the reproductive cycle. This however, may not hold true for the current era but the thought persists :)
It sometimes seems like it. Definitely see quite a number of gag posts where people express being single feels like it's an eternal curse. It's not a form of failure unless a person is actively seeking and is having trouble. Even then, failure is a part of all of us and it's not permanent. And it's also okay to stay single if you want.
I think we just glorify love and relationships all over the place. Majority of songs on the radio are about love. Celebrity couples and shipping are all over the place. Dating starts in teen years and continues. Love, dating, sex... its like central to a young persons life it seems. That's why some people feel low for not having it. It can be intimidating and affects their self worth.
It makes me feel undesirable. I am going to be 30 in September, and I've never had a relationship. Most people would find something wrong with that. I am not attractive, but even people who aren't attractive can find someone. So there is something seriously wrong with me. It's easy to blame my looks, but it can't be looks when other people who aren't good-looking gets into relationships. Everyone always says it's easier for women to get laid than guys, but I can't. So I just feel like a big loser.
Humans are social creatures that for the most part aren't meant to end up alone. Very few people are actually happier all by themselves. Therefore if you end up alone, you have failed to seek out what your biology is assumed to desire in order to be happy. In most cases it is a failure, even if there are a few oddballs that actually are happier alone. For the majority of humanity however they have tired finding someone else and if they couldn't, then that does mean they failed to find a partner. It doesn't mean they are horrible people, but rather that they just failed in a goal they had.
If you are single involuntarily then it shows to people you fail in attracting a mate and therefore a warning sign is placed over your head to people that something is wrong with you.
If you are single voluntarily then it could be because you enjoy being single, like playing the field.
Other people see it as a failure because they themselves feel like a failure for not having a fulfilling realtionship. Don't let other people project their insecurities onto you. That's all there is to it.
I think it has something to do with the human condition and the loneliness we all carry to some degree. If a person sees that internal loneliness with fear they judge themselves and others through the lens of fear.
Somehow our culture implies that you are not a whole complete person on your own and need someone to complete you. Therefor being single is to be living life incompletely. Not that I agree with this view at all.
but when many people judge a single person, pun intended, they can rule them out being single as a failure, or if not necessarily a failure, at least something negative in that person's life. because people tend to put a lot of emphasis on having a partner as doing something right or being successful in life because it's something that most people want.
but like i said, who gives a fuck what they think! :)
The only time being single is a failure is if you would rather not be, have done a lot to not be single anymore, and are still failing. But failure is not the end of things - you can always fix that by not failing a single time, and suddenly it's a success. Failure should not be seen as the end, for people who put a lot of effort, failure is merely a stage on their path to success. So just press on, lady :)
Being single is not a failure. Maybe in my case a bit as I can't attract girls very well. But even then, I'm not actively looking for a girlfriend as well and probably never will due to my own insecurities like thinking I'm too ugly for a girl and that kind of stuff. I have accepted and embraced that I will be single forever so I'm happy.
Well I can speak for myself, it is a form of failure. I tried to find myself a girl ever since I was 12. And I never got even a kiss. While every other guy I know never even tried and they all had like a billion kisses, and lost their virginity a long time ago and now are having sex. So I am a loser and a failure
Because in most cases it is, most people desire to be in a relationship so by remaining single you have failed to attract a partner. Other then the rare instances where one prefers to be single, it is a form of failure. Does it make you a bad person? No, I mean I've never had a girlfriend before but at least I can admit that I'm not "winning" in that area of my life.
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