The Top Signs that a Cheater CAN CHANGE

[Apope16]

Accountability

They show complete accountability. They dont make excuses. They don't say stupid things like "it just happened". No No No. A sign this person can change is if they are direct without excuses.

They Know Why They Cheated

THIS IS HUGE. They know why they cheated on you and are able to articulate the flaws of the relationship that led to their desire to cheat. If this cheater is telling you about flaws in the relationship and being honest about how a new person rose their level of attraction? It is a HUGE sign that they are honestly reflecting on the relationship, care about the relationship, and are constantly thinking about how to improve the relationship. I am not talking about excuses. Honest reflection communicated to you.

Grey Space in the Relationship

Remember Ross from Friends? “We were on a break!” In other words if they cheat during a grey line in the relationship. It may technically not even be cheating to them.

They Told You Direct

Your partner was blunt and completely open about what happened and didn't try to hide things. If the cheater told you right away. If they were just completely open and blunt and showed you their phone and everything. Then yes. They could change.

It Was a Fantasy

Say you are in a MARRIAGE and it was a one time event. They had sex with a co worker. Or some guy fucks the nanny. If you have a life together and because of depression and a bad marriage they seek to escape with a one time fling. Then yes. They can change because it was just an escape from the pain of the relationship.

You Have a Family

If you are married and have kids and an established life? It is more likely that they will realize that the family means more than the cheating. They will want to repair things with you and fall back in love over time.

Get immediate couples therapy if cheating ever happens. Also, if they cheat on you with an ex? That is grounds for a breakup. A best friend? Breakup.

[Woodiewouldbe]

My wife once semi-cheated on me at the very start of the relationship. I forgave her and I know she changed but I won't say it doesn't leave kind of a scar. It really depends on the situation and the type of cheating.

We were dating but she was physically still holding off. She used to be very outgoing and I realized the number of guys she slept with was high. I also admit that she first got my attention since she had really large breasts she was clearly proud of. I met her at the moment where she made the harsh decision of getting a breast reduction which I knew had a big impact on her confidence and sexuality. It's also why she held off the physical part of our relationship at the start.

The last night she went out by herself before the surgery, she got drunk and went off track. She didn't fully have sex, but the sleazy bartender made a stupid bet with her and she basically gave him a handjob and let him unload on her breasts. It took a while but eventually she came clean. I was of course hurt, but I also realized the situation. She was going through a very tough phase and decided to do one last thing before she switched her physique and overall lifestyle. I also realized that the handjob to her meant less than to me and that in some way she did kind of hold back already by not doing more. So I saw enough reason to forgive her.

I made the right choice since now we are happily married. But yes, after a couple years I still think about it. The annoying part that stays is the fact that the bartender is still working at the same bar we often visit. And I know he brags to everyone about him being the last one to leave his seed on my wife's full sized breasts. Getting over it is possible, but it's annoying to be remembered.

Another thing that hurt me is when her bestie comes over, they get drunk while I am "asleep" and start talking about old sex adventures which I really wish I didn't overhear. I really wish I didn't hear her thinking back on random guys from the past and going into dirty details and drooling over the size of their dick. I know it's not cheating, but the fact that I hear her thinking sexually of other guys gives me the same feeling. I also realize that I would be less annoyed by it if I didn't have the emotional scar of her going off track at the start of our relationship.

So yes cheaters can change and are worth forgiving, but it's not like it ever fully goes away without any impact.

[yofuknutz]

U need to put the bartender in his place and beastie as well.

[Apope16]

She is not being respectful or classy. You need to stand up for yourself. Express your concern. In the meantime seek therapy for this. She likely loves you but is a sexual person.

[Woodiewouldbe]

@Apope16 I get that letting a bartender jizz on her boobs was not exactly classy, but we were also not officially together. Though it was clear we were going in that direction so it's hard. I don't need therapy though. How would you advise me to stand up for myself?

[OlderAndWiser]

I suspect that this myTake is personal to you, that you cheated and perhaps were not given a second chance, and you think that was unfair. If that is the scenario, then please understand that my comments below are not directed at you but at cheaters in general.

The flaw in your argument is that you think cheaters cheat because of a flaw in the relationship. Undoubtedly, relationships have ebbs and flows and every relationship will have its down moments. But all married people do not cheat when they encounter problems in their marriage. The problems in the marriage are merely the excuse used to justify the cheating or to minimize the immorality of the conduct. "I HAD to cheat because she was withholding sex from me." No, you were not obligated to cheat under those circumstances.

People cheat because they put their immediate desires above their promise to their partner. To them, the promise is not sacred but it is just a formality that they offered to secure the relationship. When that blonde secretary at work said something about going to happy hour yesterday afternoon, the idea of fucking her was exciting and the idea that it would be cheating did not mean very much, at least not enough to deter the cheating behavior.

I will concede that a few people who cheat may be capable of reforming their behavior, particularly if it was a one-time incident that happened when they were still a teen. But no one who has cheated DESERVES or is ENTITLED to a second chance. When you get married, you make a promise - a sacred promise - to be faithful. If you only said, "And I promise to not be unfaithful more than once. . . or maybe just a few times," do you really think your partner would reply, "Okay. Good enough for me!"?

[Apope16]

I've never cheated. Nice try though in trying to discredit me with a personal attack. Just sharing opinions

[OlderAndWiser]

It wasn't meant as a personal attack and I apologize if you perceived it that way. I am just trying to divine why you seem so invested in this topic.

[Not_Average]

You’re very on edge and defensive. Why?

[Guy13]

Proof of Change: access to phone, email, SM etc without asking. And do not bow up when conversation/questions occurs.

[Mikuchan454]

It depends on the situation.


I despise cheaters, I loathe them, even though I’ve never been cheated on. The excuses, the “I couldn’t control myself” (unless you are under the influence it’s bullshit.), if you cheated just say it. Then it’s even worse when they blame you, “oh you weren’t home” “oh this” well, why the fuck did you be a adult and say you were unhappy? Or that this was bothering you. Self control or stopping yourself is not that hard.


I had it BAD for this guy, but I was dating someone. I was sick of my relationship. This guy tried to kiss me, flirt with me, or touch me inappropriately. I liked him so much. But, he tried to pursue me, tried to kiss him and I said “No. I’m in a relationship this isn’t okay.” Wow, see that? I dreamed of being with this guy to kiss him. But I held back because it was wrong. He understood. Cheating messes someone up. I broke up with my boyfriend then pursued this guy later. Because that is better than emotionally scarring someone for life, and them constantly beating themselves up.


Again though I gotta have a situation in order to decide.

[HawkPerception]

1) There is never a reason to cheat. If they cheated on you, then don't cheat on them to get back at them. Don't stoop to their level. And if the case was that you did not feel the same spark at the start, then communicate and if nothing changes then leave.

2) Cheaters can change. But it is usually a traumatic experience in life that causes that change. Otherwise, they're subject to the simple psychological concept of "when you do something once, it becomes easier to do again." It's like skipping class... if you skip class once, that feeling of "I'm doing something bad" goes away. The concept can be applied to anything that you initially feel guilty about because you know you probably shouldn't.

3) Even if they did change, would many people really give a chance to a person that cheated if they had that info up front? I know I wouldn't.

[Apope16]

Good points!

[Ryanmom]

The pandemic really helped me a lot in terms of gaining closure in my marriage. Glad I looked at the information, it was worthwhile.. This helped validate my own feelings, I discovered I was been played a fool and now a survivor of intimate partner violence, who know this possibly saved my life, I found out that this woman had been having an affair with my husband and was wanting to end the relationship because she was tired of playing second fiddle, this is a woman who has been to my home and had sat in the same hot tub with me, it was difficult to get him to understand the affection, connection and intimacy I needed from him, he had zero interest in sex with me and ripped my heart out. I know it sounds like a hallmark movie but this person had manipulated me for over 9 years. I was amazed at how clearly I could hear and get instant text messages sent and received from his device. I had minSpy first, which kinda sucked. The best thing, I ever did was to get in touch with some tech guy calls cybilltritech, he saved me so much troubles as I was able to confront him with proofs, and also stunned as how he could offer more hacking and spying services. You need to monitor your partner activities on his device, get to know who your partner has been communicating with, get confidential data out of any cellphone including calls, text messages, as well as other social media messaging apps, flick him a mail on cybilltritech at protonmail dot com telling him ryanmom referred you

[Mortdikeuu]

Through my five years of research on cheats, I've discovered something that bothers me.

In the cheating couple there is always a manilpulator and a victim. What I think is going on is a kind of sexual coercion, which can be a form of rape. Where one person is being manoevered into a relationship they most certainly don't want.

Think the way you find the rapists is to see if one if the two presses charges for harassment or stalking. The one pressing the charges is the rapist, as they are now emotionally raping the person as well.

Anyway, just my thoughts

[ChrisMaster69]

Nope never going to happen, sounds like a guy trying to justify after or even before hand that forgiveness is a thing.

It’s a complete break of trust which is not coming back from.

even with trust aside, Sorry darling I cheated, do you mind getting an HIV test, it seems the gardener has been having sex with the nanny and he has HIV.

oh yes well darling I confess I just had the need to have sex with the nanny as well.

yes darling I realise you are 2 months pregnant...

yeah forgiving cheating ain’t a thing, stupid people do it.

If a relationship is bad that it needs a person to cheat, then breakup before you cheat.

[TheLawAroundHere]

If you can see your way clear to honestly forgive someones infidelity, then you are a better man than me.

Im no saint. Thats not what im saying. Everyone has a past. But here's the thing. My fingerprints are on top. Period. My wifes fingerprints are the last ones that were placed on me.

The rules of a marriage, or even a significant other, are fairly basic. Rules #1, 3, 7, and 13 are "dont fuck around on me". That isn't limited to intercourse. Intimacy has different levels. For sure. Im too tired to go Google this. But some Supreme Court Justice said of porn, "I can't define what porn is, but i know it when i see it". That might not be a word for word quote. But its close.

The point is that if you can't even respect me enough to maintain the basic rules of monogamy, then what makes you think you deserve to get a second chance?

[CubsterShura]

I gave a cheater a second chance and he used it to cheat again. There's a reason why people say once a cheater, always a cheater.

[Apope16]

Look at the signs above. Did they fall into any of these signs? You are 20. I highly doubt that they did.

[Apope16]

The advice in the article is primarily for long term committed partners. If it is early in a relationship or if you are just in college? Then yeah I doubt I would trust them

[CubsterShura]

Yes it was a committed relationship and we were planning to get married sooner than later. I'm only 20 but he was 8 years older than me. Both of our families knew and approved of us. My parents really liked him.

He had those signs.

[CubsterShura]

The only one that doesn't apply is the one about saying it directly. He tried to hide it both times. First time I got to know it through a network of mutual friends, the second time I found his behavior suspicious and started interrogating him until he finally spilled it.

[Apope16]

I am so sorry that happened to you. Please accept my internet hug.🧘‍♀️💆🏻‍♀️🦸🏾‍♀️

[CubsterShura]

Thanks.

[242plusInfinity]

yeah but it's not true. Once fat always fat... The stats show fat people usually stay fat... Why? Because it's hard to change your conditioning. But that doesn't mean it cannot be done, most people just aren't aware of how change occurs.

[Ifriqyan]

Well no thanks, he can "change" for another woman. But if he cheats on me he's gone.

Not only is it one of the biggest sins in the eyes of God and shows a GRAVE negligence religion-wise, but it also shows he has no respect for me and his children and no self control. He is willing to risk losing us for the "Thrill of it".
I'd divorce him and since adultery is illegal in my country, sue him too.

[t-8900]

preach

[NorthernLightWP]

I would not choose a woman who I knew was a cheater to be my girlfriend and much much less my wife. Building a real relationship on such faulty foundations will afford you a faulty and eventually fallen relationship and your children, if you have them will also pay the price for your incompetence.

[Apope16]

My thinking writing this is based on the idea that you didn't know when you met the they would cheat. But that say you married them for 15 years and then 3 kids into the marriage and one day she tells you after a bad week of fighting that she cheated. Do you break up the family? Do you divorce? what do you do? SO it is for that type of situation mainly.

[NorthernLightWP]

Oh I see. Yeah no chance in hell I would stay with her. I would leave her immediately to the extent that I would not step foot in the house again unless it was to get something in particular or to tell the movers which items to put in the moving truck. She would never look into my eyes again. People who do that are scum.

[Apope16]

Same here. Me too

[Siren777]

Everyone can change but are they doing it because they are guilty and were caught or because they genuinely want to change?
Cheating is intentional. You made the decision, you thought about it, it crossed your mind and you proved it in your actions.
You can never change a man. I don't know why anyone would try and force it or think he will change? He can only change for himself because he wants to.

[Smashingdoozy]

Cheaters can change but you can't unbreak trust in a relationship. In the victims eyes once a cheater always a cheater. I couldn't be with someone who cheated on me, I would be paranoid all the time. It would not be a healthy relationship. Doesn't mean that the person will ever do it again but if they do it won't be with me because I'll be fucking gone.

[Sam_The_Savage]

Cheaters always have backup plan... they don't play with the old toys. They donate old toys to poor guy. Mwah 😘

[Daniela1982]

@Sam_The_Savage Cheaters also always have an excuse to why they did it. That's because retarded people like cheaters have no idea what marriage counseling is for. If your mate won't go with you than go alone. It is far better than cheating.

[Jaumet]

Well, that is so sweet to try and justify cheating to whoever you cheated on. The truth is that past behavior is the best indication for future behavior. Cheaters and liars always think that everyone cheat and lies. To think they could change would be like expecting a Leopard to change their spots... not happening. So, on this one... dude I'm calling it total BULLSHIT! Nice try though... did it work on your S. O?

[meggykentums]

I was a serial cheater in high school. Once I started articulating to my partners that I preferred open relationships, I started getting people who were actually okay with the concept.

The thing that makes it cheating is dishonesty. Once I was open about my need for multiple partners no one got hurt anymore. I think now that I've created a dynamic in which I'm allowed to do what I want sexually, I've become a far more honest person in all other camps as well.

[etexbearkat]

There are many marriages that have survived an affair, and are stronger for it. After an affair, it would take time to rebuild the trust, but just because one person (or both in some cases) in the marriage had an affair, it doesn't mean that it will happen again.

[Not_Average]

Cheating showcases a lack of core traits that you seek in a partner. Integrity and loyalty. I believe if you stay with a cheater, you have low self worth. You shouldn’t have to live in paranoia and distress because of your partners heinous actions. You shouldn’t have to live in insecurity and resentment. If you cheat, you’re a terrible partner and should be immediately dumped. Cheaters have terrible morale and character. They make terrible partners. Avoid them at all costs.

[AdithyaR]

Interesting points but I'd nebert trust them again.
Cheating will always be an instant deal breaker for me. No explanation, no drama, just over.

[K-I-S-S]

They can say all they want or behave like a saint, but i would never trust them or invest my time with them.

[K-I-S-S]

Be gone thot

[Ilittles]

No second chance. They betrayed sacred vows. They deserve to be left to their own. If thy cheated with no justification (as if it can be justified) like either cheating because they are abused or what not. Sorry there is another person out there who is more deserving than a treacherous unfaithful degenerate.