He broke up with me because he doesn't know what he wants but still wants to talk everyday, be my best friend and everything what does it mean?

[Comfy150]

My boyfriend of 3.5 years broke up with me late August because he isn't sure of what he wants. We’re both 21 and he just graduated from university this year and moved 4.5 hrs away for a job and said that wasn’t really a part of the reasoning. He just doesn't know what he wants but still wants me to stick around, he doesn't want me to give him space, he still finds me extremely attractive and he tells me that he will always love me because of how important i was in his life the past few years. I definitely saw a future with him and I thought we would be happy. He says that he’s over me then says he doesn’t know if he is another day. He keeps sending so many mixed signals that make me think he isn't ready to let go and just last night he told me he didn't know if he was ever going to be over it/be able to joke about our break up and talk about it lightheartedly like he wanted when we agreed to stay friends. Is there a chance he still wants to be with me and just doesn't realize it? What should ai do? I still love him more than anything but I know I need to work on myself a lot before getting into another relationship. He still wants me to go see him and stay there with him some weekends.

[MisteryMe]

In my opinion, if someone truly loves you and wants to be with you, there's no doubt in their heart. He's a long ways away from you now too. I think the best thing to do is stay friends and see where it goes if that's not something that bothers you, but do whatever work you feel you need to do on yourself, move on, and start looking for someone else.

Seriously... if he's going to break up with you and move 4.5 hours away, do you really want to risk marrying someone who's heart isn't all the way in and take the chance they might change their mind 10 years down the road?

[Comfy150]

I understand that. We’re still both young and still have a lot of growing to do. This is the biggest change in his entire life and he didn't choose to move that far away because he wanted to but because that was the only offer he received after graduating as his internship got cancelled due to covid.

We love each other deeply and I can see it in his eyes when I’m with him. We talk every day still and it’s like nothing in our relationship has changed other than us not saying we love each other and the title. I’m willing to wait to see where things go because I think he’s worth it

[MisteryMe]

It sounds like you know where your heart is and how you want to handle the situation. Life can really suck sometimes, having to make choices and sacrifices we don't want to make. I hope things work out for you.

[MisteryMe]

After reading your replyt I want to say this also...

It seems to me that you already knew what you wanted to do, but you wanted to see if other people agreed. For one thing, the people on here don't have enough information about something like this to really answer that, just like I didn't know why he took a job so far away. Second, when it comes to something like this, you just have to decide if it's worth the risk. It's a chance; a leap of faith, and it doesn't really matter who agrees with what you do or don't want to do because nobody can predict the future. It's one of those things where you have to follow your heart, do what you think is best for you, and hope it works out. There are no guarantees in life, so as long as you've considered all possibilities and consequences, you've accepted them, and you're doing what you feel is best, you're making the right decision whether the desired outcome comes into fruition or not.

[Comfy150]

I’m just having a really fucking hard time in life right now. Having quarter life crisis and him breaking up with me is probably the worst thing that could have been the cherry on top but he told me he didn't want to hurt me because he knows how hard of a time i’m having right now. I just wish I knew what to do.

[MisteryMe]

Sweetie, you do the only think you can do: keep moving forward. I know it feels like there's a black hole inside your chest and the weight of the world is coming down on you. Sometimes the only thing you can do though is make a decision and keep doing what you have to do. I know it's so cliche, but it's true... finding other hobbies or people to fill your free time with can help (although finding the motivation can be hard). I know you said you want to wait on him, but do you think maybe it could help you to at least be open to the idea of dating other people just so you don't box yourself in?

[Comfy150]

I have been trying to work on myself and do things for me. I’ve been so overwhelmed by life crumbling down on me that I’ve collapsed onto myself in my own head. I’ve started working on something with my therapist so I can find myself and who I am as a person for the first time in a long time. I dont want to date or talk to other people because the thought of it makes me feel gross and disgusting. I can’t picture myself with someone else right now.

[MisteryMe]

Ah... I see. I'm glad you're able to get help. I know all about being in my own head too much. While you know that focusing/obsessing over certain things doesn't help, there's no amount of logic that can stop you from feeling the hurt and stress of what you're going through. Just know that one way or another, things are going to work out. Some of the best advice I ever got was from a psychologist that told me "Don't worry about the things you can't control." Of course, in it's most literal sense that's an impossible goal, but has helped me a lot. I just have to repeat it to myself... a thousand times... or maybe a hundred thousand...

[Anonymous]

I was in his position years ago. I know how he feels. A part of him still really loves you but he’s got issues going on in his life.

I would ask him flat out what he wants. Does he want to just be friends? Does he want to come back? Tell him you have your own needs and can’t wait for him to come around. You shouldn’t hold out on him. If you fall in love with someone else than that’s the risk he took (and he knows it.)

[Comfy150]

When I ask him, he says he doesn’t know. He made a major chanhe in his life moving for a job after he graduated college and he’s never been the type of person to really talk about stuff that’s bothering him so I’m sure he’s just feeling/trying to deal with everything going on right now.

[Opinion Owner]

You need to give him ultimatum. If he can’t give you an answer than tell him it’s best not to communicate (unless it’s a true emergency).

There is going to be a part of him that will most likely will always love or at least care about you. But you are shortchanging yourself holding out on him. He can’t have it both ways.

[Opinion Owner]

You know I actually drove my ex (one I really cared about) into breaking up with me. Twisted logic but I wanted to make it easier for her to move on vs. being devastated that I dumped her when she did nothing wrong.

But I wonder if I would been better off doing what your ex did. I missed her so much after the break (she was callous and cold).

[Comfy150]

It’s hard for me because I don’t like thinking about doing that - like making people feel like I don’t care. I’ve always had this thing where I care too much and can’t let go easy enough. We’ve been talking every day since the break up unless he’s on a job or something. He gets upset if i ask him if he wants space and says he doesn't know what he would do if we ended up not being friends/talking. I guess I just need to focus on my shit, myself and he could see that I am what he truly wants because that’s how he makes it seem. He wants me but he’s on the edge for something

[Comfy150]

He and I are each other’s best friends. We aren’t very social people so it’s like we’re kind of what we have and I know that’s probably not the best situation to be in. I just have a deep deep feeling/intuition he will want to get back together some day.

[Opinion Owner]

Be careful with the wishful thinking. My ex told me “don’t be a stranger” after she broke up with me. I thought we left with mutual respect but I’m now almost absolutely sure that she cheated and just wanted to get rid of me before I figured it out (we had other problems).

Anyway I too had a fantasy we would might reconcile after we split (at the time I didn’t suspect she cheated). But that vain hope sucked months and even years of joy out of my existence. Part of the problem is she didn’t give me closure. But I took her word at “don’t be a stranger”.

Anyway not seeing he cheated. But he has you in this convenient “in between” place. Are you seriously happy with that? I doubt it.

Truth is if you tell him you need a boundary it might make him think harder about getting back together. But he needs to come to that realization on his own. Just don’t enable this in between existence.

[Comfy150]

I just don’t know how to go about it to make the chance of it better. We have such an amazing friendship, we started off as best friends and he told me he liked me and a few days later I asked him out. I don’t know why I feel like that even though I’ve been telling myself he’s done. I know he hasn’t done anything behind my back. I know he doesn’t want to use me for anything.

[Opinion Owner]

But he doesn’t want to be in a relationship. His reasons may be justified and understandable. But are you content pining for him? That’s a yes or no answer. But that’s the bottom line.

I know you feel he “might be the one”. Maybe he is and maybe he isn’t. But he can’t expect you nor can you expect yourself to hold your breath.

You really need to try dating other people. I hate to see you hold on him for the next 5 years while he falls in love with someone else. That might not seem possible right now but it really is a true possibility.

[Opinion Owner]

He has no right to get upset with you if start dating someone else by the way.

When it comes down to it I’m trying to help you. I know what its like to be love and have that feeling there is something special. But he’s going through some crap in his life and needs to find himself. If he truly loves you (and love isn’t about possession) he will accept and understand if you move on for a while. This scenario isn’t fair to you.

[Comfy150]

I have so much going on as well and now I have to try to find myself all over again. It feels so bad

[Opinion Owner]

It’s daunting and scary. But it’s better to experience this young. My first true heart break happened at 32. I’ve had other women harm me long before that but this was the “one who got away” who absolutely blew it out of the water when things went south.

But anyway it’s going to be risky and miserable if you continue to pine for him. That doesn’t mean you have to cut him off completely. But if I were him I would want you to be happy. If it’s with someone else then so be it. That’s what true love is.

[Opinion Owner]

When I my ex split with me I accepted it at the time because i truly wanted her to be happy. I knew I wasn’t doing what she deserved. But later I deduced she cheated so…..

[Comfy150]

We both want each other to be happy. I won’t cut him off as he is my best friend and things between us have been a great friendship coming back the last week or so. I don’t want to waste my life waiting for someone but we were together since our senior year and I just don’t know anything else but him. Once I find myself and my passion I think that will be a major turning point for me. The issue is is he doesn't have an answer for why and i can't seem to understand and possibly chance for why either. It completely blind sided me and I think that’s what made this hurt so badly.

[Opinion Owner]

I know how he feels. This is the reason I purposely did some things to turn my last ex off. I wanted to make easier for her to move on.

This sounds completely insane but I really did it because I loved her. I knew if I did what your ex boyfriend it would be much harder for her to move on. But the old saying “it’s not you it’s me” was 100% true for me at the time. She was an outstanding girlfriend but I had to figure out some bs in my own life alone. I wasn’t ready to be in a relationship.

However all of this took a drastic turn for the worse afterwards (long story). She not only rejected me as boyfriend but rejected me as human being. I’m not exaggerating.

[Comfy150]

He says he doesn’t want s relationship with me or anything anymore but he still acts the same with me. He still finds me attractive in every way. He still loves me, I know he does.

I honestly know that if he was to ask me to be in a relationship with me again, there would be a big conversation between us about it because I’m not dating to just have fun. He is scared of losing me completely and me not talking to him anymore. Is it true that guys don’t tell you if they want you back? Because even though he says he doesn’t, he acts contradictory to that. I know he’s not over me because of how he looks at me still. I want to be better for myself and maybe improving myself snd getting my own shit together, I could help him some how

[Opinion Owner]

The problem with men is if we show that kind of vulnerability we know that deep down it’s a turn off to women.

I had to meet up with my ex for business purposes a few weeks after we split. We kept it professional in the beginning but toward the end I looked her in the eyes and I just blurted out “I miss talking to you” and my eyes watered up. That is the ONLY time I ever cried in front of her. Not even when she dumped me did I cry. But I couldn’t hold it back.

She gave me the most scathing and shrieking and devastating response I had ever taken from a woman after that. She said “with EXES I don’t talk because it’s weird” and the proceeded to compare me with her last ex. Her shrieking emphasis on the “exes” part haunted me to this day. That was my reward for being honest and showing vulnerability. Wonderful eh?

Anyway he might think that but he’s terrified of getting the response he doesn’t want to hear.

[Comfy150]

He definitely wasn’t afraid of showing his vulnerable side when we broke up. For a few weeks after we would just talk and he would get upset if i was upset and we would both just kind of cry. I stayed with him a couple weeks after we broke up and we cried together then. All I ever wanted was to be able to see the vulnerable side of him because knowing he is comfortable with me like that means a lot to me. I think it’s attractive when men can be emotional but not overly like a lot of women

[Opinion Owner]

Women want men to be vulnerable at the RIGHT time. They also expect men to be tough and masculine at the RIGHT time. Also women are only concerned about understanding men they LIKE.

More often then not men don’t “intuitively” know where they stand because we aren’t mind readers. This causes us to act masculine vs feminine at the wrong moments. When in doubt just act stoic I guess.

With my isolated crying incident with my ex (didn’t you even read it) I was vulnerable at the WRONG moment. I didn’t want her back. But I made the mistake of assuming that women can separate attraction vs. respect. I thought she still respected me despite no longer being attracted to me (I can respect some women I’m not attracted to). But I was wrong.

Anyway if you want him to be vulnerable then he needs to know for sure it’s safe for him to do so. Chances are he won’t show you that side of him unless he’s at a breaking point (like I was). You need to tactfully communicate that.

[Comfy150]

I did read about your incident, yes. I care about him, his feelings and I respect them too. I’ve told him many times that he can talk to me about anything and I would never judge him, always be there for him. My goal is to become a psychologist some day and help
people be able to express themselves in this sense.

He says things but contradicts himself in the way he acts towards me. He doesn’t want me to leave but he doesn’t want to be with me. He finds me attractive and loves me, yet doesn’t want to be with me. He doesn’t know what he wants, yet he wants to be with me. He wants to spend time with me and talk to me every day.

All I know is that I want to be with him when we are both ready to be in a relationship. Our relationship wasn’t toxic or abusive. He could be a jerk at times, sure. Any immature man can be.

There wasn’t anything wrong in our relationship and to my knowledge we were doing absolutely amazing. I thought we were going to get married once he really got settled into the new job and living in a completely different place. Then one day he just “i dont know what I want but I still want you in my life forever”. Gets extremely worried when I say I don’t know if I can keep talking to you or if I ask him if he needs space because he wants me there all the time.

It doesn’t make sense to me. How can you push and pull so much. Why is it that I have such a strong feeling we’ll end up together again some day. Is it just me, maybe I’ve convinced myself that he still cares about me like that to the point I feel like he wants that? Have I watched too many “how to know he’s scared of his feelings for you” or “how to know he will come back” advice videos? I don’t know.

I’m sure I sound like a crazy person hoping and pleading like I am that he will realize. In the meantime, I will stay around for a little while. I won’t turn down opportunities but I know I’m not ready to date again right now. I want to keep hoping.

[Opinion Owner]

Just be ready to draw the line sooner or later. In a way this drama feels like a romance story to you right now. But don’t ignore reality.

[boxxie2002]

Sounds like he wants the best of both worlds..
To be single and have someone on call when he wants it or can't get it elsewhere

[Comfy150]

I genuinely believe he doesn’t know what he wants or is just confused/scared of his feelings.

[boxxie2002]

Could be the case.
If you are happy with the way things are there is no harm.
If it's going hurt if he finds someone else and drops the casual, it may not be a good situation to be in

[Comfy150]

He said it would hurt if I found someone else too so I’m not sure why we even broke up in the first place. We were doing better than we had ever done in our relationship.

[Avicenna]

There are obviously still some residual feelings and he hasn't met someone else yet

[sensible27]

Maybe he's confused. Bring him clearity

[Comfy150]

How would I do that :(

[sensible27]

Sometimes people just need space to figure things out, just try to be there for him and support him if you'll do that anyways.. and eventually he'll realise that you actually care. Sometimes really kind caring people are super hard to find..

[Comfy150]

I don’t feel like i’m any nicer than the next girl. I just care for people so much. I don’t like using people or hurting them whether it’s intentional or not. I try my best to not let people feel how I feel

[sensible27]

Wdym "nicer"? That's kind..

[Comfy150]

I mean someone who is more kind and caring than I am. I literally did everything i possibly could to make him happy, get him nice things, spend time with him, cook food for him, we baked together.. there’s so many things I’ve gone out of my way to do for him. I know he won’t find someone who is better than I am. I dont like saying it because it makes me sound conceited but I do really think I have been the best girlfriend he will have in his life time. We are each other’s first boyfriend/girlfriend so we learned a lot in our relationship. We still have a lot of growing to do. Do you think he will come to his senses?

[sensible27]

Maybe he isn't out of his senses. Sometimes we just need some time to figure things out, if you think you can help his growth go for that.. don't give up on him (at least not just because he needs some time, maybe in silence alone) : )

[Iron_Man]

I had a situation like that but you have to stay in the game and fight hard so you can come together

[Comfy150]

He’s my best friend and I love him more than anything. I am going to give him the time he needs. He shows he still wants me but he says differently. Do i ignore the mixed signals or take them as a good thing?

[Iron_Man]

If you’re that much in love with him then you’re gonna have to wait it out but ask yourself how many years will you wait

[Comfy150]

What are the chances we end up back together though? He told me he doesn’t want me to give him space and he wants me to be in his life forever. He still wants me to stay over with him and everything.

[Iron_Man]

I don’t know the guy personally I can’t tell you a percentage rate. You’ll have to give yourself a time limit and see what happens