Was the breakup my fault?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend and I recently broke up after a few months of dating and about 6 months of knowing each other. At first it was mutual because we both knew we were at strange points in our lives and the relationship didn’t seem like a good idea to continue. Although I agreed to it, inside I didn’t really want it to end. He said he would keep in touch and there was no need to block each other like typical exes.

The next day, I messaged him just for clarity about everything; I felt like there was another reason why he wanted it to end- he initiated it after all and was very distant leading to the break up. He said that I needed to find myself as I was pushing him away and didn’t seem sure of what I wanted. I reassured him that I was sure of my feelings for him to which he said it just wouldn’t work in the long term. And from my perspective, me ‘pushing him away’ was me giving him distance when he didn’t seem okay- he was either giving me very half-assed responses or not messaging me at all. I brought up this issue a couple of times but nothing changed, so I gave him distance which I thought was fair.

After the conversation (which was calm, not at all like an angry confrontation), he unfollowed me from every platform, which feels like he blocked me as all of his accounts are private.

I just want to know, is this all my fault? I want to become a better person, which I am going to strive towards now that this has happened, but I feel like there was something else going on and I want to know if it’s not just me that thought that.

[OlderAndWiser]

"Fault" is not a useful concept in this situation, because if it's his "fault," you will feel as if you don't need to examine yourself and your behavior. Instead, ask yourself if you said or did anything that made this outcome more likely to occur. Maybe there were warning signs that you missed or ignored in the early stages. Maybe you zigged when you should have zagged. That doesn't mean it is necessarily your fault, but you still could perhaps learn something from the experience.

From what you have described, my very first suspicition is that he has found someone else who he eithers wants to start dating, or he has already started dating her.

[Asker]

Now I think of it, there were things that I ignored because I wanted it all to work out and avoid the conflict. I’ll definitely learn from the experience, so for that I’m grateful. That was my suspicion too, he didn’t seem like the type to do that kind of thing but it turns out I didn’t know him very well anyway. Thank you for the insight.

[OlderAndWiser]

Experience is a powerful teacher. It will make you Older And Wiser!

[Asker]

I appreciate it, I enjoy getting older in that case!

[OlderAndWiser]

You'll get older anyway, so it's better to find a reason to enjoy it!

[OlderAndWiser]

Thanks for MHO!

[Asker]

No problem, thank you for the help :)

[IMuser]

Depends really, if you were pressuring him to open up, then you were at fault. However if you tried to talk but he declined you, there are 2 possibilities
1. Immaturity
2. Afraid to open up
If all this happened in text and you guys have hardly met in real/person, then relationship was bound to end. If you guys had sufficient contact (and some physical contact too such as hugs, cuddles etc), I would say that this was his fault and him blocking you is a coping mechanism

[Asker]

I was looking back to the possibly that I pressured him to open up, I think I did ask very occasionally when things were strange between us, but never dwelled on it if he brushed it off. Maybe he felt pressured to change his habits or something like that. We probably met once a week at most because of other responsibilities and living in different areas so you’re right that it wasn’t going to work out as well as I’d hoped, but I guess I will never know.

[IMuser]

The fundamental need of a relationship is intimacy: physical, emotional and in time, sexual. Long distance relationships really don't work. I wish you all the best for your relationship.

[Asker]

That all makes sense, thank you very much.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think it’s your fault.


He was trying to push the blame of the breakup on you, saying that you need to fix certain things. That’s usually a sign that they want to end it but don’t want to be the sole proprietor. He also stated, when you tried to talk to him, that he knew your emotions and thoughts. That’s a way of saying “I don’t want to talk to you” without outright saying it

[Asker]

It felt an awful lot like he was choosing the easy way out and making it about me so that it was easier to walk away. I know that he wasn’t all bad as I also have things I now have to work on too- just had the suspicion he lost interest and tried to spare my feelings.

[IncognitoBandito]

You probably aren't on the same wavelength when it comes to understanding each other's needs, the blame is mutual and the break-up probably for the best.

[Asker]

You’re right, thank you.

[In_Trance]

50% your fault