Why do we get so heartbroken when our loved one wants to have a happy life without us?

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I was so devastated when my and I separated. I was often angry, hurt, full with rage.

But in the last part of our relationship I was unhappy, he was unhappy too and by leaving, at least, one of us would be happy.

Fast forward 8 months, I’ve grieved, I suppressed some of my feelings, which came out later. But I was so invested, my brain took me longer to rewire back to a single life and not feel pain again.

I still do feel deeply hurt from time to time. But more often than not I feel like forgiving him for giving up on us. It doesn’t mean anger doesn’t visit me often though.

Yesterday was one of the days like that, I was thinking, coping, hurting and I came up with a beautiful idea. - a realization- I used claim I loved my ex, yet I didn’t want him to be happy if he didn’t share that happiness with me.

What kind of love is that?

I now think, while I indeed loved him, maybe I too, made some mistakes. Maybe there’s something promising him some relief and a happiness from our broken relationship, so why should I hate him for living a happy life?

Shouldn’t I be happy for him, if I really loved him?

I imagine, I have this puppy, I love him a lot. He is my 6th family member, 5th one was my ex. My puppy is the 6th living being who came so close to my heart as for me to call my family.

I think if I knew that there would be a more beautiful and a happy place for my puppy to live, where he would be much more relieved, free, happy - and let’s say hypothetically- he wanted to go there-

it would hurt me if he left but wouldn’t I be happy for him to be in a place where he is happier than he was with me?

Where he is with one of his kind.

I think that’s how I should look at my break up,

I loved this person a lot and instead of being angry that he chose himself over us,

maybe I should just let him go and let him be free and happy wherever he is. Once he showed me the biggest love I could dream about.

Updates

1 y

I should be thankful for that, that I lived, I loved and I was loved back with a much much higher intensity. (That’s why I find so hard to let go, the love he showed… That was just a dream come true for any girl.)

So, I think just like hypothetically, I wouldn’t be angry at my puppy for chasing his own happiness and forgetting me while doing so, I should probably feel the same about my ex.

Updates

1 y

I should be thankful for him for the time he loved me, for the love he showed me, which I miss to this day and I should feel happy that he exists and is happy and free somewhere. 

So what, if that’s not by my side? 

Isn’t that a love? 

To love and expect nothing in return?

[caring__1]

Your thought process is taking you in a healthy direction. What you were feeling you recognize as selfish, for you didn't want him to be happy if it didn't include you. Now, you realize how much the two of you shared, and how much you've grown from that experience. You realize the relationship wasn't working for him. Sometimes it's possible to get a relationship back on track, if we address the voids and challenges as soon as they start developing. Unfortunately, people often become more selfish when they feel something is slipping away.

Picture this... you go the the beach and grab a handful of sand. The sand seeps out between your fingers. You squeeze tighter to hold onto the sand. The sand now escapes faster due to the extra pressure.

Parents often follow the selfish pattern when their children are ready to leave the nest. They realize they stopped developing their identity and took on a role. In the role of parent, they must have kids who need them. If the kids no longer need them, they do all in their power to reinforce dependency on them to hold onto what little is left. When we are happy for our kids and proud of their accomplishments, they are much more likely to stay close to us.

See your relationship the same way. You shared wonderful memories and have each grown significantly from those experiences. Unfortunately, when we got to this particular fork in the road, we chose the selfish direction and lost sight of what truly mattered... wanting with all our heart for our partner to feel as happy and fulfilled as possible. You can't undo the past, but you can learn from it, so you don't repeat it and develop it into a pattern. Be happy you learned to be observant, so you don't smother any future relationship out of selfish fear or entitlement. As a result of this experience, you have raised your value as a partner in a relationship. Be happy for both of you.

By the way, I did rehome a dog (for her protection). Yes, it was hard to let her go, but I knew her future would be a beautiful life I couldn't give her, so I was very happy for her. A year later, I encountered her, and I could see the joy in her eyes. She loved me for giving her this new opportunity. I could tell her greeting was more a thank you than a "why did you abandon me?"

[Berethor]

'If I can't have you' trope, with every extra relationship women lose the ability to get attached.

[mark000h]

Yes, it's about being selfless. If you are meant to be, it'll happen. It can't be forced.

[NathanDavis]

sing it out...

https://www.youtube.com/embed/n3r9KWth84Y

[NathanDavis]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qKfJEqnlHb4

[Andres77]

Of course it hurts that he doesn't want to continue together. It's better that you found out now instead of maybe getting married.
Love isn't easy. Yes, if we love someone unconditionally then we should be happy for them wherever they are.

[msc545]

Nobody likes to be abandoned. Those who DO the abandoning though - that is very different.