My boyfriend suggested an open relationship but is upset that I'm dating other people, why?

Question

I fell in love with a guy who I believe is my soulmate. We connect on every level (mentally & physically) and I have never felt so strongly about a person in my entire life. I feel like I have known him in a previous lifetime.

We are in a long distance relationship and certain circumstances and obstacles are getting in the way of us staying together. I am so heartbroken but we're trying to take it one day at a time & not stress about the things we cannot change. After months & months of trying to resolve all the issues that are getting in our way, we both agreed that we should have an open relationship and see other people. The idea is killing my inside because just imagining him with another girl is making me go crazy. I am so sad but I know it's the best thing for us right now.

I asked him if he's truly okay with our new arrangement & his response was "Of course I'm not okay with it & I would be upset if you dated other guys. But we can't get so invested in each other if we have no idea how our relationship will turn out. I don't want to tie you down and not have it work out in the end."

A few weeks later I took pictures with a guy I went on a date with and captioned it "Having some fun!" We went out for drinks and it was a good time but he just wasn't my type. I was honestly just getting my mind off my boyfriend and trying to distract myself. My heart just wasn't in it. He didn't even compare to the connection that I felt with my boyfriend and I just did it so I could mentally move on.

My boyfriend was like "So you're officially dating him?" I was like "No, I just went on a few dates with him. Why are you so upset by this?" He was like "I know you're not mine right now but I'm just upset. I don't know why exactly." Why would he react this way when he's literally the one who initiated the whole "open relationship" thing and I was the one who was so against it? Why does he want me and yet encourage me to move on?

ebbyeb · Accepted Answer

You guys are still dating, correct?

This sounds extremely similar to a situation I had between me and my boyfriend, actually. The only difference is that we never ended up dating anyone else.. But we kept things open "just in case"... Because like your partner said, my boyfriend didn't want to tie me down.. He wanted me to enjoy my life and not necessarily have to commit 100% since we were hundreds of miles away from eachother.. We still loved each other dearly though. It was just to destress that situation in a way.. To set/open goals and rules and boundaries.

I'd say that his conflicting emotions come from how much he loves and craves you. However, like he said, he doesn't want to be controlling. But he still gets jealous at the thought of you being around another guy, just like how you admitted you'd feel the same way.

There's really only two options for you guys at this point..
You can close your relationship and just work out the difficulties yourselves and be patient..
Or..
You both can try to he understanding and try to not be jealous at the thought of your partner having another.. Thinking of it from the mindset of enjoying seeing your partner happy will help.

Initially, when I thought of my boyfriend being with another girl.. I was so jealous.. But then I thought about it in a better prospective, one of a best friend almost. I thought like hey, I'm glad he has someone to be affectionate with since I know how affection feels so good and I'm glad he can be happy in a way that I can't help with.
That sort of thing.. And be supportive also!
Even though me and my boyfriend never ended up getting other partners, we used to kinda joke about it actually! Just saying fun things, like if he mentioned a female friend I'd cut him off and say something like "yass my boy finally got himself a girl!" And we'd have fun about it!
I hope this helps!! :) best of luck to you!

Calixx · Accepted Answer

Mmmm, maybe he’s trying to be “selfless”, but naturally, many humans are selfish when it comes to their partners. I think logically, he understands. But, emotionally, I think he struggles. Maybe have a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy, or, a “ask, but don’t tell” one.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

I thought an open relationship is something, where both are still boyfriend and girlfriend, but both can have some casual dating / just fun things with others too. That means not real dating. It means only, that both meet others only for sex and not more than one time. So basicly only One Night Stands with other people. Something, where you dont get someone know you too much. Its only, what i thought it is. And.. its the fault of both of you, when you dont define "open relationship" and dont set up a list of rules...; maybe i am just too tired.. I don't know.. wish you luck

OlderAndWiser · Accepted Answer

Head vs. heart. His brain tells him what he should do - logically - but his heart is registering a very loud protest. If you are really meant to be together, agree to be monogamous and find a way to make it work.

nina2992 · Answer

He is selfish and want all advantages. Your loyalty and love and his freedom

Miristheiss · Answer

Well, this doesn't sound like it is going to work at all. You two will have to go back to being monogamous and committed to each other or completely just break up and move on with little to no contact.

This dating other people while still sort of semi-connected isn't going to work.

What was the end game? When were you two going to be able to moved to the same location, how long was this LDR going to last? How did you get together and then what event occurred to cause the LDR separation?

This is why LDR's so infrequently work. Usually, careers cause this. You two need to decide if being with each other is the most important or going to this one particular school or having this one particular job out of the millions of jobs in the world.

If you want to be together then move to the same location otherwise this LDR needs to be over soon.

Based on the strong emotions I don't think the open relationship is going to work.

Be hones I KNOW you posted that photo with the soul purpose of him seeing it. You can deny it but I don't believe it. Did you get the emotional reaction you'd hoped for?

haniee · Answer

You two do NOT understand what an open relationship is. They are far more complicated than normal dating and are NEVER a solution to relationship problems. For you to do anything like poly, or open relationship, it first needs to be rock solid and you both need to have the desire (that fetish) to engage in it.
Your motivations for agreeing and him suggesting in this state is beyond irresponsible. You done fucked up and break up is the only answer. I'm sorry I've never heard people come back from this.

Second, something sounds SERIOUSLY off about that guy. He's your soulmate but you are constantly having problems? He wants you, wants to call you his girl, but suggests you fuck other people? He is your one and only, but not even around? He blames you for behavior he encouraged? (this is HIGHLY manipulative) If I were you, I would look into terms: mirroring, gasslighting and narcissistic personality disorder. Not saying this guy is dangerous, but your entire story sounds like a big RED FLAG.

lumos · Answer

Ok so clearly this is just not working out. Neither of you want to be in an open relationship but neither of you also want to invest in a monogamous LDR. I’m sorry but you’re just going to have to stop with the bullshit for a second and commit to something, whether that’s breaking up or staying together. Being in limbo like this where you’re seeing other people is clearly hurting the both of you, you’re both having jealous thoughts about the other and while you’re on dates, you’re not having a good time.
So cut the crap and either commit, or break up. Because this is not working.

englisc · Answer

The whole thing sounds retarded, no offense. If you want to stay with your boyfriend you should stick it out until you manage to get closer. Trying to take your mind off of him, if you manage to that is, will only drive you further apart and make it more likely that it's never gonna work out. Once you do get back together if the damage hasn't been done already the fact that you dated other people will play on both of your minds and it will make you keep on questioning the whole thing. It's not a good idea at all, and clearly doesn't make either of you feel happy. You should stop this silliness immediately.

Poppykate · Answer

Don’t you just love that line that couples use ‘ but we can’t get so invested in each other, if we have no idea how our relationship will turn out’. Lol 😂. Guess what guys? ... you will never know! Life is uncertain! Even if you are living just around the corner from each other! Relationships are complex and difficult. So unless you have a crystal ball 🔮 and can predict the future, either just dive in head first, or just go your separate ways. Because what you are doing, is just going to cause drama and heartache.

Weapon77 · Answer

Because he is a dumbass. He wants to have the best of both worlds, but I guess he didn't expect you to actually agree and date people yourself. He was hoping he could date other people without guilt and you would just wait around for him. This is a classic move, I've seen several guys do it. Most of the time the girl is so "in love" with him that she won't do the open relationship thing so the guy has no reason to be upset. Kudos to you for not just being a pushover and actually meeting new people.
Honestly it sounds like you two need to officially split up and make one of those deals where if you are single again in 5 year or whatever and he is in your area you can talk again. Or you should tell him he needs to move to where you are.

Sabbeans · Answer

I can relate to it fully. I myself have been in a long distance relationship with someone too.. But even though you are away from each other it wouldn't have to mean you should try out other girls and guys.. This will only leave marks on your relationship and even if it lasts will be permanently there.. Your boyfriend doesn't want you to date others but just didn't want to tie you down and restrict you from meeting others if the relationship is so insecure. My advice would be to really talk about the future now. If it can work out in that case. One of you moving to live together for example, And you love each other.. Then there is no point of seeing other people. Claim him and make him all yours. Put a ring on it girl. I hope it was useful.. X

Pozzle · Answer

He knows right now he can't give you what you want, but he's not ready to let go of you. That would explain why you would find yourself in a situation that is a bit ackward.

He's giving you the freedom that he thinks you deserve in the circumstances but he still is attached and loves you. So of course seeing his girl with another dude would hurt his feelings.

There's also the possibility that the current situation doesn't allow you as a couple to move forward and he was attracted to someone else. So for him to not feel guilty seeing someone else he suggested that you could be in an open relationship.

wadeabeee · Answer

He's jealous. Why is he jelous, only he could know. Maybe he likes you and doesn't want to share you because he loves you. Maybe he sees you as a beautiful possession that was once his and is being taken. Maybe he's mad because he hasn't done anything with anyone else and the fact that you do it so much makes him realize you could leave at any time and he's not special. Guys like feeling special, and don't compare other guys to him... that's low. People aren't just restaurant services that you can criteque and compare. If he did truly love you then he'd want you to be happy even at the sacrifice of his own heart, so if he doesn't fight for you when you date another guy then he likes you and respects as a person. Jealousy is good too, but for your sake I hope he can handle it healthy. I don't get how you're confused with his actions... it's so obvious to me as a dude.

MLGbreezy · Answer

Open relationships can be very complicated. first you guys should have set some rules before hand and made sure that you bothe fully understand and are willing to follow them. second your relationship has to be strong and communication is very very key to understanding each other and making things work. I suggest watching SHAN BOODY she is a sexologist and YouTuber who Is in a open relationship and talks about It on her youtube channel she give much insight into and how it works and her advice could very well help the two of you so that things don't end poorlu between you two. You both have to make sure It's something you want to do some to. es it's not the key and can make things worse or better If this Is how he reacting at the start of the open relationship then things might get worse so Remember Communication is extremely extremely important. hope this helps and good luck🙂

idk777 · Answer

People can sometimes say things without realizing what it truly entails. For example, I was in the MMA club in college. I'd bring it up in conversation and people would say "oh that's so cool! I'd be so into that! When and where are the meetings?" And so I'd tell them. They all would come by for one day and then I'd never see them again. It seems like a good idea at first, but once they experience how exhausting it is, and how much getting hit and submitted actually hurts, they don't tend to like it as much.

I think that's basically what happened here.

Anonymous · Answer

I don’t agree with open relationships. I don’t get the point. If you want to be with someone, why would you date someone else at the same time. I get it’s long distance but still...

I don’t think either of you should be dating other people. I know it’s hard being miles away but you shouldn’t be with anyone else. I mean you said he’s your soulmate so why even bother dating other people? If the long distance thing isn’t working out, I suggest you break it off so your relationship status isn’t confusing to you, AND other men who are wanting to date you.

simplyaramdomgirl · Answer

Well he was clearly jealous. Now the reasons why he was jealous can vary. There are four reasons that come to mind. Number one, he wanted a free pass to have sex but just wanted you to wait around and get none. Number two, he genuinely didn't like the idea of you with another. If I had a boyfriend I know I wouldn't. Number three, he was concerned / insecure, probably thinking that the guy might have won you over. The brain on jealousy can think some wild things. Lastly, he could be regretting the whole open relationship idea, but trying to keep up with it because he thinks it's the best for the both of you. You guys are on a long distance relationship which in its own is hard to manage, I can't even begin to imagine the whole open relationship ordeal. Really you just have to assure him that things won't change between the two of you no matter what other people you see on the side. In my opinion that's all that's he's seeking, reassurance.

AK140 · Answer

I think he suggested an an open relationship mainly for your sake. But deep down, he was hoping that you'd either say no, or that you won't really go dating guys and instead, be loyal to him. I understand that you were not being disloyal, but it would've upset me too. It's normal. Also, when you took the picture with the guy, you obviously posted it somewhere that your boyfriend could see. Which says that you either don't care whether your boyfriend sees it or not, whether it will upset him or not. Or, you've posted it deliberately to make him jealous. Either way, your boyfriend's reaction is normal in my opinion.

gabbay18 · Answer

The problem here is that you took pictures. Long distance relationships are hard. He was giving you guys a chance to find happiness closer to home, because he didn't know if you guys would be able to make the long distance relationship work.

he's not okay with an open relationship, but he understands that you might be better off. He will not be happy about you with someone else (as demonstrated) and vise versa.

You can take pictures (why this is necessary if u don't like him, I don't know), but posting them, is kind of a low blow.

I wouldn't even talk about the other guys with him, unless one of them starts becoming serious.

I would suggest not posting relationship pictures, until your exclusive with someone again, or everyone involved is truly okay with the idea of an open relationship.

Maik567 · Answer

Sounds like it was one of those stupid "tests" he put on you, or he's just genuinely clueless about what he wants.

But what I don't understand from your part is first of all if you were so against it then why did you agree in the first place, second of all why did you even go out with another guy if you're so crazy about your "boyfriend" and third of all why the hell did you think it was a good idea to post images about it where your boyfriend would see them?

Anon-ymous1 · Answer

Because guys want to be able to have sex with lots of girls, per evolutionary biology. We don't want our girl (s) to have sex with other guys, also per evolutionary biology. It's a dominance/possessive thing. Testosterone. Simple.

People don't like this answer, especially girls, even though it's the correct one, because then there's nothing else to be done about it. People want answers to questions that allow for some type of "fix" or whatever, but there's no fixing tens of thousands of years of human evolution. Just how it is.

TisforTori · Answer

I’m surprised you can care about him in such an intense way but actively look for others. Personally I don’t understand how you two wouldn’t get jealous if you really want each other. Unless you’re hoping for a continuous open or polygamy style relationship. I wish ya luck whether it’s realizing you are better apart or staying together

musical_kittycat · Answer

He's jealous. It's a natural feeling. I suggest you have an open, face-to-face (if possible) discussion about this, and maybe call off the open-relationship thing. It doesn't seem to be working, and if you're only doing it to get your mind off of your boyfriend, then obviously it's not going to work. Is there any way you can live closer together—or just live together? If not, give it time, and eventually you might be able to take the relationship a step further. Good luck!

My boyfriend suggested an open relationship but is upset that I'm dating other people, why?

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