I'm a college student and he works at a retail store since he didn't graduate HS. 2gether for a year. So a little background me & my boyfriend we started out rocky, I treated him bad in the beginning of our relationship, I feel stems from relationships where I had been sexualized only & forced to do stuff. I opened up to him about that but only made him insecure about himself how he doesn't look like them. He was the first to treat me right so I wasn't healed and would take it out on him. Fast forward we had sex and lost our virginity to each other but he became this mean person after. Said it was a test to see if I changed & became more loving. At one point he kinda sexually assaulted me because he thought me crying meant I wanted it though I kept saying no. He kept threatening that he'll leave because he can't take the arguing anymore that he loves me but he's tired of me. I always beg that I'll do better as long as he doesn't leave because I feel like no one will want me if I'm not a virgin anymore. I wanted to marry who I lost my virginity, he said we'll get married. I lost friends, not let me work, & so on. For months it's been like this, recently he's been more aggressive choking me, accidentally holding me too tight to leave bruises on me. It's my fault I made it seem like I was cheating on him so he could leave me but I left him & he uses that against me after we got 2gether again, he becomes scary and breaks out into screaming and saying he'll hurt himself. I call the suicide hotline because I have no friends anymore. I tend to have nightmares from past trauma but lately, it's been worse I harm myself again since things got bad. I told him about my nightmare today of my dad and I doing something and he said he thinks I'll do that willingly to my dad and guys because I'll realize I'm a whore. I got upset and he got upset because of that. He's threatening to leave but I keep begging what should I do? He's the first guy introduced to my family as my boyfriend.
My boyfriend threatens to leave I want to leave but can't but I lost my virginity to him and feel like no one else will want me what should I do?
