I met up with my ex girlfriend yesterday. She was crying for an hour and she is clearly not over me but still doesn't want to get back together?

[Anonymous]

long story short we were dating for almost two years and we were madly in love. She made plans for the future even though we are really young. The last two months of our relationship were a bit rough but still we loved each other and had good time even though we both felt we were drifting away. One day we passively broke up, she told me yesterday that she never thought that we would break up that day. I tried to get back together three days after we broke up and promised I would make things right this time but she rejected me and she seemed really cold and adamant that we will never get back together. We've been texting a bit through out this month and she has been really hot and cold, until yesterday she agreed to meet up. This time I didn't cry because I just wanted closure and wanted to open my heart to her. The moment I started talking about our relationship she started crying for like an hour non stop. She gave me no answers but she told she wasn't over me. When I said that I want us to get back together she told me that would be a step back and she wants us to move forward. Still gave me no real answer why we can't be together. I told her that I will respect her decision and move on but I still love her and whenever she is ready to not hesitate to call me. She then told me with tears in her eyes that she can't handle it and has to get home and just left crying without giving me any explanation. She then texted me to apologize for leaving like that and couldn't give an answer. I really love her and want to be together with her and I know she feels the same way. I can't understand what did I do and irreversibly destroyed a beautiful relationship. I treated her well and respected her even though we had trouble communicating and couldn't handle certain situations because of the immature nature of our relationship. I really don't know what to do at this point. I hope she is ok but it seems she is trying not to get in touch with her emotions.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know her obviously but this situation sounds like something exactly what my friend did. She and her boyfriend broke up, she didn’t wanna give it a second chance but kept crying and calling him. I think the fact that you’re willing to make it work is good on your part, but I think she needs to do some self reflection as well. It takes two to make a relationship work. If she is adamant then it won’t work even if you all give it 10 more chances. If she’s like my friend, then chances are that she wants you to chase her and cry over her as well, this attention satisfies her. You may not want to hear this but there may be a possibility that she has other options and doesn’t know if to start anything with them, so her being hot and cold towards you is ensuring that she neither cuts you off nor get back together. I recommend that you take time to heal and focus on your priorities right now. She may be hot and cold for a while and confuse you even more until she decides what she wants.
Also, have you both ever been a small break prior to this bigger breakup?

[lightbulb27]

where you get this idea to respect her decision? sounds like a terrible idea given they are hormonally variable highly emotional beings. I can't wait to get flammed saying that, but there's some truth to it...

I'd wonder what she means by "getting together is a step back"? She basically doesn't want to go back to the pain? If that's the case, then you have to be willing to find the source of the problems and address those. That means YOU change fella, own up to your side... ooooo... there's that Biblical submission... That is actual progress... since nothing changes until there is awareness, understanding of why, and conscious decision to change behavior. Otherwise humans are just programmed robots that keep doing the same things. You are just dumbo the clown dancing with your big feet all over hers.. until you change. She ain't walking around thinking "I need to change". Thus in her head..."just going back" is going back to pain... who the hell signs up for that? Are you one of those dudes that rides skate boards until he's bloodied? She isn't... not when her biological clock is screaming "make offspring!!!".

Womens emotions will change in a second and along with that, their opinions and willingness to connect... when they feel the right things. Your job is to love her... e. g. provide stability and security. If she feels that, her mind might turn around.

It depends how much damage was done. It sounds to me like you are a bit of a knucklehead (normal) and not undersatnding her, but as well you are aware of some issues... so that's good.

"Love" - that's another matter... why do you love her? maybe you do, but that gets into what is really going on under the hood of the relationship.

so whatever you do, get the value out of the experience so that either way you move forward, it was worth the cost.

[stepyo99]

She wants to get back together, but she refuses to try. She has some issues with you, but refuses to talk about them.

Honestly, she sounds nuts. I don't think you could ever have a healthy relationship with someone who acts in such a childish manner, so I would move on.

I get that it hurts a lot and it can be difficult to see things objectively since you guys were madly in love for two years, but the problem is with her and she's refusing to do anything about it.

This isn't Hollywood. You have to make a clean break and completely drop her from your life because otherwise you're going to look back with a regret on a lot of wasted years pining after some girl who gave up.

[Asker]

She was nuts even when we were together but I didn't mind to be honest. Maybe you're right but still I want to know what is going on. I was about to move on but now I'm even more confused

[stepyo99]

I get it. I'm the same way about wanting closure, but I can tell you from experience that you aren't going to get it. Even if you pry an explanation out of her, it's going to sound just as confusing and nonsensical as her behavior is right now.

[Asker]

Damn man. If that's the case I probably need to move on but it stings because I want to fight for her

[stepyo99]

Take some personal time off for yourself, it helps. Treat it like ripping off a bandaid. Instead of drawing out the pain, it's over quick and you can move on to a nice girl who won't behave so strangely. Keep your chin up.

[Blitterflicker]

@asker we’ve all been there when we want to fight for someone but that’s exactly what she wants you to do. Don’t simp for her. You’ve already said she was nuts when you were together, so she’s basically toxic. You don’t mind because you obviously want her back but don’t let her mess with your head. She doesn’t care about you the way you care about her.

[Blitterflicker]

Honestly. In my opinion she’s being pathetic. She can’t talk to you because she doesn’t actually want to fix it, if she wanted to see things through and continue being with you she wouldn’t be telling you it’s over and not willing to even talk about the reason why.

Don’t count on her for closure because she won’t give you it. She’s going to end up wasting your time, giving you emotional rollercoasters, making you think she misses you and that you just might have a chance but in the end it meant nothing and you’re still no where closer to getting her back. She’s being toxic, and she needs to learn to manage her emotions without disturbing your healing process. That’s exactly what she’s doing right now and I think she’s very aware. A lot of people that break up with someone HATE it when they seem to be doing ok. They want them to be chasing them or plain miserable without them and when you aren’t like that they’ll do whatever it takes to see you upset over them again. Don’t fall for this bull. I know you don’t see it that way right now but she isn’t helping this situation, she’s told you to your face that you are not getting back together. So stop allowing her to have access to you whenever she wants when she chose to end it.

I recommend you talk to her and tell her that she’s chosen to break it off and refuses to tell you why. Tell her she made these decisions, she’s a grown woman and it’s time to truly move on, for the both of you if that’s what she’s decided. No extra drama, and emotional rollercoasters. Just cut her off after that and block her on every platform. She’s just messing with your head and being a toxic ex

[Blitterflicker]

Also, stop letting her emotionally manipulate you. You are not the issue, you did nothing to end or ruin the relationship. She did. Don’t let her make you feel like you’ve done something terrible when she can’t even tell you what you’ve done. She’s just messing with your head.

[Blitterflicker]

Any updates?

[coachTanthony]

https://www.youtube.com/embed/tiTA7VfU8W0

Move on.

[zeitgeist057]

I don't know if it will help you, but I just finished a book "Never Split the Difference" by Chris Voss and I think it has a lot of good information about communication and coming to agreement (it's a book on negotiation, which can be applied to business or many other things like love/relationships).

But it's easier to run away from problems than it is to work hard, grow, and take difficulties on. It sounds like your ex is tired and wants to run away, it's still hard on her emotionally, but easier than learning to communicate effectively and growing up before you're ready.

[mobiusforniner]

If she talks it out and comes to terms with her feelings, things will work. But she is not. She harbors hard emotions over your breakup rather than earnestly seek ways to work together.

To respond is positive. To react is negative.

I know this is hard. I am there myself. You sound like a good person who genuinely cares about her. Let her come to you when she is ready because right now, she is not.

A breakup signifies things are not working. Focus on what you can change in yourself. She will have to look into that same mirror and discover what she needs to change in herself. Until that happens, do not try and seek closure because it reopens wounds and prevents healing.

I've learned love means putting someone else first. Its freedom. Hold onto sand too tight it slips past your fingers. Loosen your hand and let go, itll stay.

I've learned sometimes the best way we can prove we love someone, is by letting them go

[Anonymous]

Dude. She doesn't love you. She just loves the fact that you still want her.

Stop wanting her. At least stop telling her you do. Tell her that you now agree with her, and you HAVE moved on. You've got your eye on someone, it's early days yet, but you felt you had to do the right thing and tell her that if she changes her mind, NOT to call you. You're taking that off the table.

Just watch how she reacts to the thought of losing her little worshipper. (i. e. YOU, you sucker.)

[EricSummer]

Is there objectively a problem between the two of you? You say she is making plans for the future. Do you feel too young for her plans?

Or is it that you quarrel a lot when you are together?

Right now your story seems a bit irrational, but there is often something more tangible below the surface.

[Asker]

We had certain problems right before we called it quits but we never actually talked about them. When I talked with her I told her that I'm willing to have a healthy relationship with her and solve our problems she refused. And when I asked what are the issues that prevent her from giving another try she cried and left. So I have no idea at this point

[EricSummer]

She can have hidden reasons that she does not even know herself very well which can be described as "falling out of love".

However, as you mentioned her plans for the future, I wonder if it is not the classical difficulty of people in their twenties - the woman now wants to start a family and get married, but the guy feels too young and first wants to earn a degree, get established at his job or travel the world. If I strike close to the mark here then it is a very real issue that cannot be patched over by being nice to each other.

[Asker]

Falling out of love was something I assumed untill yesterday. The fact that she cried her eyes out whenever I mentioned something we did together and makes me think that's not the case. And also she admitted that she is not over me yet. However we did have certain conversation during our relationship that we kinda didn't agreed 100% on our future. But she is still 23 it sounds crazy to me that's the reason she doesn't want to get back together

[EricSummer]

It can be that, though. For many women, the master plan involves getting married and starting a family between 25 and 30. She has not reached that age, yet, but she might feel stuck. The biggest obstacle to such plans could be if she stays and gets even more attached to a guy who does not share these plans. In case there is no progress now, what should change five years from now?

Or maybe she is not in control of her life and feelings in a crazy way, but that is far less likely.

As you are both prone to crying in this situation, maybe try email to find out what she wants and needs.

[Blitterflicker]

@asker, is there any chance that you were a bit distant/ not as emotional as you were before and that’s why she made a scene yesterday to confuse you and prevent you from chasing her?

[Blitterflicker]

Prevent you from moving on* and continue chasing her?

[CallmeTheKnight]

There’s some work that has to be done, but you need to work on letting her go completely. I know you don’t want to hear this, but she’s basically wasting time at this point if she’s crying over the past and refusing to get back with you. I don't know what happened between the two of you but I know you’re really hurt and life happens. We grow as we learn and move on.
Just accept that this kind of stuff only goes forward in movies and fairytales and Brother, this is definitely not one of them.

[Asker]

Do you think letting her go will maybe give a better chance to be with her in the future? It's not an ego thing. I just want to know if we can have a healthy relationship sometime when we are both ready. I'm fine with moving on and I'm fine with her moving on. I'm not fine with the idea of losing someone important to me forever

[CallmeTheKnight]

What I can say is holding on to the last link to what last hurt you will prevent you from moving on. If it’ll happen it’ll happen, but it’s not happening now and the last thing you want to do is to stay where you’re not really wanted. Give yourself peace by letting go and moving on with your life because it’s the right thing to do for you and your well being. She doesn’t matter anymore because she doesn’t truly see a future with you. If she did, she’d be making more effort than just talking and crying

[Staximus]

If she can't communicate what's wrong, can't tell you why it won't work, and can't tell you what you need to do differently in the relationship, then you are not the problem. The problem is her unwillingness to communicate and lack of communication skills. Be done with it and walk away.

[DextroShade]

Bro, she's obviously isn't relationship material, so leave her in the streets where she belongs and try to find someone new. The surest sign of a broken woman is that she will react badly to you treating her well. Ironically enough she will likely try to get you back if she sees you with another woman.

[liujingjing]

In fact, two people broke up because of personality differences. In fact, it’s not that your girlfriend wants to get back together with you. It’s not that you haven’t forgotten you after so long, but that you appear in front of you when you meet. You often don’t forget the past, and it always reminds us of the past.

[Gent207-2]

Dude

I didn't read the rest of your story because seriously here's the truth:

DON'T GO BACK WITH YOUR EX

[itsalyssaagain]

I also don’t understand why you broke up. It’s normal to have issues and miscommunication in relationships especially as time goes on. What matters is you address it and fix it.

[Nikki1989]

You have some work to do. I hope it all works out for you.

[Asker]

I'm willing to change. It was my first long term relationship and surely made mistakes. But if I don't know the exact reason we can't be together I can't work on it.

[Iron_Man]

Sounds like you might have a shot but you’re gonna have to change your ways. The reason you broke up in the first place and you’re gonna have to really go after her hard.

[Asker]

How can I go after her while also not looking desperate? I'm afraid that will make her go even further away. If I had the slightest idea how to make her feel like this is a relationship worth fighting I would go all in

[Iron_Man]

You have to do something if you sit back and do nothing then it’s over if you pursue her and show her that you’re sincere, you have a shot

[Asker]

I will do my best brother. But i have to be careful not to hurt her feelings and suffocate her

[Iron_Man]

Well, you have to do something

[Unit1]

Some great words of wisdom i got yesterday. Watch and learn.

https://www.youtube.com/embed/lCEZNbwQVy8

[EaterPeter]

She is clearly hurt. So are you. She might need some time off. You could have hold her as she was crying if you want to get back with her. Best approach to get back would be start with counseling. If you both can agree on that even through message.

[RingOfFire]

Maybe it is because you write in all bold with no paragraph breaks.

Women hate walls of bold text!

[Jersey2]

Meh, women will cry over a CGI bunny dying in a movie. Just move on.

[boobliker]

if she an ex give it six mouths before you see her again don't leave make her cry

[CuriousMufuxka]

What a drama queen! Let that crazy bitch go.

[Reem12345reem]

Im confused 💀

[linka_pat307]

😂😂😂😂😂she needs reality check

[In_Trance]

what a waste of time

[Asker]

Maybe for you. I have some problems and seeking advice no reason to chime in

[In_Trance]

You want advice?
Stop talking to your ex.
It ended for a reason

[Asker]

Two people that lived together for two years and were in love need to end things maturely. All I want is closure and the reason we ended things from her point of view

[In_Trance]

Closure is overrated and her point of view no longer matters. 2 years in the grand scheme of your life is next to nothing. You were in high school longer than that

[Asker]

You might be right. However I still love her and I'm pretty sure she feels the same. And if there is a big issue that prevents us from being together I wanna know and then move on