Do you ever get over your baby daddy/mama?

[Anonymous]

My baby daddy and I split when I was 14 weeks pregnant and he completely abandoned me and our son.. Our son is now 1 years old and I found out through my Bds parents that he’s been in jail since January. He hasn’t seen his son at all but has come to this conclusion that he wants to be apart of his life when he gets out and how he gave his life to God and wants to be better for him. I’m so proud of him but at the same time i’m scared to attempt the co-parent thing because of the feelings I still have for him. I know it’s not about me it’s about our son but is it wrong to still want our family to be together?

He calls me from jail here and there to check on our son and the conversations are so short and dry and I know it’s because he just doesn’t feel anything for me anymore.. It’s hard for me to get over it without crying after our calls. His parents took our son to visit him for the first time in jail and even his phone call later that night was super dry to me.

I will never keep him away from his son but would it be better if when he’s out for my sake to not to see him at all and just have our parents do the child exchanges? I talk to his parents a lot keeping them in the loop so couldn’t they just fill him in instead of him calling me? I just don’t want to get my feelings hurt even more especially if he ends up raising our son with another woman

[Oliverlogan263]

Wow sis, that's a lot to deal with. Props to you for staying strong and being the parent your son needs so far.

As for your feelings for your baby daddy - that's totally normal, even after everything. First love stays with you and it's his son's father, so of course some care is still there.

But girl, don't set yourself up to get hurt again either! Dude clearly got his own stuff to work out before truly being there for y'all.

I'd say keep him involved for your son's sake. But 100% have the handoffs go through family instead of direct contact with him. Protect your heart!

If down the line he's really changed and makes an effort, maybe slowly work on a friendly co-parenting relationship. But don't expect or rely on more from him.

Keep doing you - your son is lucky to have such a strong mama. You got this! Stay busy with friends/work/school too so you're not sitting home crying over dude's boring jail calls, ya know?

Chin up sis. This may not be the fairytale, but you and that little man will be just fine.

[Asker]

Thank you soooo much, your response brought so much comfort to me <3 I really appreciate it and will definitely take your advice

[Oliverlogan263]

No problem luv, I'm always here if you need to vent or need advice. Going through a breakup while coparenting can't be easy, but you have a beautiful little boy who needs you happy and strong. Don't lose sight of how amazing you're doing raising your son - focus on that light. Sending you love and positivity! You got this. Just remember, keep your head high - you and your son are gonna be just fine no matter what. Keep me posted on how things go aight? You can do anything!

[Anonymous]

this is a natural thing to want to have a complete family instead of a broken one. but you have to think of your child's future. his dad was in jail... he really needs to clean up his act if he wants to be in his sons life because that can seriously damage a child.

[Anonymous]

Did you post another question where you asked how to get him to stop calling?

Your question is very identical to the other post

[Sofargone93]

Why did you break up on the first place?

[Asker]

He had a drug and alcohol addiction and I wanted him to get clean and go to his AA meetings but he refused so I broke up with him

[Sofargone93]

I'll tell you one thing about drugs and addiction... It does not go away over night. Jail does not make one clean. Everybody finds God in jail because there's nothing else to do but read. I'm going to assume your fear is that you want the guy you fell in love with to be a better person but you're conscious tell you that is not reality. That's why you asked do you ever get over them. Yes you do but it will burn for a while. He's dealing with something that only he can fix on his own time. It could be next month or 10 years before he goes completely sober. If you let him back into your life history will repeat itself. His family knows him better than you do. Focus on yourself and your child and let him be around but the moment he's drunk or high on drugs be honest with him and tell him you don't feel comfortable or safe with him being around the baby under the influence. It's ok to love people from a distance.

[Sofargone93]

As a mother you need to trust your instincts even if it's with a person you love. Mother's intuition is a real thing.

[Asker]

You’re completely right and that definitely makes sense. I want to believe he’s changed but like you said jail doesn’t make one clean. And he had no choice but to sober up because it’s jail but once he’s out he could easily go back.

Should I talk to his parents and just let them know I’m only comfortable talking and going through them for our son? He has his parents putting money on my calling card so he can call me but he rarely does and if so it’s so short. I want to just block the calls to help lose some attachment but I don’t want it to make his parents feel uncomfortable or hurt that i don’t want to talk or see their son

[Sofargone93]

If that's what makes you feel comfortable then go for it. It's going to be emotional for you because you want what is right and you're fighting a situation so early on with a child that needs a father. Let him be who he wants to be but don't ever deny him the fact of seeing the child.

[Sofargone93]

Leave his parents out of it until something else crazy happens. They'll be supportive but it won't last long.

[Asker]

Okay thank you soooo much ! This helps a lot