My wife wants a break. Is there any hope for us?

Question

My wife and I, together for 17 years with two kids, are facing serious marital issues. A few months ago, she expressed doubts about our future, sparked by a tough year marked by grief and personal struggles. While she sought grief counseling, I thought focusing on her mental health was key, but she wanted to fix our relationship. We've had couples counseling, but she felt it wasn’t helping and asked for a trial separation, seeking space to focus on herself. Though I want to save our marriage, I’m now uncertain if there’s any hope. We still live together, but I worry she's already checked out. It’s painful to see her more comfortable sharing with others than with me.

I've been with my wife for 17 years, and we have two kids. A few months ago, she said she wasn't sure about our future together, sparking a conversation about our struggles, including her dealing with grief from multiple losses. While I thought she needed grief counseling, she wanted to focus on fixing our relationship. We tried couples counseling, but she eventually asked for a trial separation, saying she needs space to focus on herself. We still live together, but I'm worried she's already checked out of our relationship. I want us to work, but I feel rejected and uncertain about our future. I miss the intimacy and connection we once had. While we've been clear about prioritizing our kids, I’m struggling with whether I’m wasting my time and energy on a relationship that might be over. Any advice or similar experiences?

Finchie40 · Accepted Answer

I’m sorry to hear man, but I am in your shoes as well with my wife that suffers from mental illness , anxiety and depression , I know you want to save your marriage and want things to be back to the way they were before , but sadly there isn’t much you can do, if she wants a break and space from you, My advice is let her have it , I know this sounds easier said than done , but you have to focus on yourself and no longer tolerate her shit , and no longer kiss her ass , make it clear to her that you didn’t get married to be single , but apparently you did, by excluding me out of your life and wanting space from me for whatever reason? Tell her I am not going to sit here while you are weighing your options , we either work this out together and fix what is broken together, or this marriage is over , Do not be a sitting duck to your wife and hurting yourself , if she isn’t giving what you are giving to her , you are best to leave and go your separate ways or kick her out of the house. Listen to me man whatever is going through her head , you have no control over it , understand we can’t force anyone to love us and to be with us. So the only thing you can do , is no longer give into her or chase her , start living your life like you are single as well , understand this was her decision , not yours. You have to make her realize what she is losing by her being this way. No longer sleep in the same bed as her , treat her like she is just a room mate , come up with a schedule for the kids so you can have some alone time as well , my kids are older so I didn’t really have that issue , , but if you have little ones , spend time with your kids and act like she no longer exists , don’t bash your wife to your kids , they don’t understand what you and your wife are going through. Just act like everything is ok , do not let her walk over you. Start hanging out with your buddies and find a hobby you enjoy , give her all the space she needs , make it clear to her that you are perfectly capable of being single and doing things without her. If she loves you , she will come chasing you back , if she cheats on you , kick her to the curb. But once she realizes how much of a selfish person she is being , she will more than likely come chasing you back , if not? Oh well , begin a new chapter in your life and move on from her. Start dating again , go find a FWB’s , There are plenty of girls’ out there that don’t want a relationship that just like to fuck. Never be a sitting duck to no one , , that’s something I learned a long time ago , especially with girls’ We can only give what we want to receive , if we aren’t receiving what we are giving? They have no say over what you choose to do next , when my wife and I separated the first time , and I kicked her out of the house , and focused on my life and excluded her , she chose to be selfish POS person and started treating me like absolute shit bringing misery into my life for whatever reason. So the best thing I did for myself was to help her pack her bags and kicked her out. Even though I was sad and devastated our marriage turned out this way , I focused on myself and my kids and then I I eventually met some great girls’ that rocked my world , that treated me with honestly and respect , the whole time I was having fun with these girls’ , my wife was begging for me back, because she knew I was not giving into her anymore whatsoever , she had Sucker written on my head for way too long , by me thinking Love will save the day , Love only comes when 2 people are choosing each other , not the other way around , so to me she dug her own grave , by choosing to be distant and choosing everyone else but me. I realized I was only hurting myself by allowing her to walk over me. So if you want your wife to possibly chase you and want you again? No longer kiss her ass , make her realize what she is losing and she might come to you , and if she does come to you , don’t make it easy for her , to come back into your life. Give her a taste of her own medicine , Her selfish behavior is what damaged your marriage to begin with so understand this was her choice not yours. The only reason I eventually gave my wife another chance , was because the one girl I was seeing that I really liked that was rocking my world in the bed and outside the bed I found out was lying
To me about being single , when really she was married as well. The only reason I found out , was because her husband come knocking on my door , apparently he traveled a lot for work so she was able to cover up her marriage with me for 6 months. I told her husband the truth and kind of felt bad for the guy , but I told her it’s either me or him , if she wants to continue seeing me. The crazy thing was , he took her back after all of that. But I am not going to lie , the sex was absolutely amazing. She rocked my world to the point my wife was no longer a thought in my mind , this girl treated me like Gold and it helped me move on from my wife. My wife was still trying to get me back. When my brother and my mom passed away last year , my wife stood by myside and was there for me , that’s pretty much the reason why I gave her another chance and she moved back in with me , things were great between us again for awhile but sadly it didn’t last long , the second I got laid off from my job, my wife’s true colors shined again , blaming me for everything , pointing fingers at me instead of pointing fingers at herself first , I realized she is a fucking user and told her we are selling the house and going our separate ways. We no longer sleep in the same bed and she does her thing and I do mine. Never let a girl walk over you , find yourself a girl that values you and respects you and is submissive to you , Life is too short to tolerate misery , a good girl will bring happiness into your life not misery

Purpleronnie · Accepted Answer

Reading your description I think you seem damn near convinced and to large extent it doesn’t really matter the reasons she sights if she is hellbent on the conclusion. The only consideration that springs to mind for me is you knowing or hearing her reasons and feeling that , although you disagree , you can “understand” and that they are “rational decisions” . I say this in particular as you mention her “grief” and “troubles” you have faced recently. Clearly this will likely not affect being separated and perhaps seeking divorce but it may have a bearing on how , if and when you feel you too can move on as well as the fact you obviously love and care for her a great deal regardless of what happens from this point
From your description I don’t really understand what specifically has brought her to the co conclusion that she must end a 17 yr relationship. To me it seems very much linked to her present state of mind which I would agree that it sounds like given the investment that could be worked past?

I don’t know that it’s my place to say but it doesn’t seem like you’re getting the full story based on your description. Sounds like those grief counseling sessions were a little wider reaching.

I have a little experience here and know that there is a chasm between accepting a separation / breakup and being able to reconcile why it’s happened mentally and emotionally and then ultimately moving on with your life and perhaps inviting someone else in. That’s clearly where my opinion comes from, hope that you see and understand that.

I hope it all turns out as well as it possibly can for you.

Kelley1 · Accepted Answer

It may be hopeless. Men compliment middle-aged women because women like compliments. Most middle-aged women take the compliments with a grain of salt. However, 10 to 25 percent middle-age believe the compliments. Therefore, they foolishly believe they can attract men like they did at age 20.

Their husbands have aged and don't look as good as they did when they were a dozen years younger. Therefore, the the middle age women believe they can do better than their husband and will leave their husband expecting to find a younger and more attractive man. The women can have one-night-stands but it doesn't take long for reality to hit and they realize the men they thought they could have are not interested in a relationship with middle-age women.

That is when the middle-age women realize they should not have left their husbands and maybe they will try to get him back. The husbands may not be forgiving. Moreover, even if less attractive then they were a dozen years earlier, the husbands can fine women younger and more attractive then their ex-wife.

If that describes you wife, let her go because most likely you can do better and replace her with a younger women.

bobalife · Accepted Answer

People always assumed break means end all and be all, but it’s not by default. I would suggest respect her space and take this time to reflect on how you feel too. You stated you wanna make it work, so I think it’s more than okay to express how you really feel and I don’t think there’s no harm with trying if that’s what you really want. Because at the end, no matter the results, at least you gave it your best shot. If she decided she doesn’t wanna try, then, that’s your answer. But if she’s open to trying, you both can discuss on how to rekindle your connection and intimacy. Long-term relationships/ marriages, we have to keep dating, keep building the connection, keep growing together, keep loving and forgiving.
Wish you all the best!

DishLady · Answer

She HAS checked out… “a break” from a marriage is usually just a girls’ weekend in Cancun or something equally silly. This lady wants out.

Before lending advice, it’s important to know the nature of the grieving. I’ve worked with lots of couples, young and old, through my church, etc., so I’m happy to chat with you if you’d like.

leader · Answer

A break can sometimes offer both of you the chance to reflect on what’s important and what needs to change. It’s a moment to pause and understand each other better. Relationships can come back stronger if both partners are willing to work through challenges and grow from them. If you both want to make it work, this time apart could be what helps you reconnect on a deeper level...

coachTanthony · Answer

No. A break is saying to you I am giving you hope so I can get the hell out of here and get settled somewhere else then I will drop the bomb on you that it's over. It's a defense mechanism so you will allow her to leave peacefully.

OlderAndWiser · Answer

You were very vague in mentioning the issues. Has there been infidelity, addictions, hospitalization for depression, etc?

Straight2thepoint · Answer

When a female says i want a break. That's code for. my heart is having doubts of you. I suggest you gather urself and respectively agree. And use this. After agreement.
**Divorce Settlement Agreement**

This **Divorce Settlement Agreement** ("Agreement") is made and entered into by and between:

**[Spouse 1 Full Name]**, residing at **[Address]**, hereinafter referred to as "Spouse 1",
and
**[Spouse 2 Full Name]**, residing at **[Address]**, hereinafter referred to as "Spouse 2".

Collectively referred to as "the Parties".

**Recitals:**

1. The Parties were legally married on **[Marriage Date]** in **[Location of Marriage]**.
2. Irreconcilable differences have arisen between the Parties, and they wish to dissolve their marriage.
3. The Parties desire to settle their rights and obligations arising out of their marriage and divorce, with the intention that neither Party shall gain or lose any financial assets, property, or liabilities as a result of the divorce.

Therefore, in consideration of the promises and mutual agreements contained herein, the Parties agree as follows:

### 1. **Separation and Dissolution of Marriage**
The Parties agree to live separate and apart and mutually consent to the dissolution of their marriage. Both Parties agree that irreconcilable differences have led to the breakdown of the marriage, and they seek a no-fault divorce.

### 2. **No Financial Gain or Loss**
Each Party agrees that no financial support, alimony, spousal maintenance, or monetary compensation of any kind shall be owed or payable by one Party to the other as part of this divorce.

### 3. **Division of Property**
The Parties acknowledge that they have reached an amicable resolution regarding the division of all marital property and assets. They further agree that:

a) Each Party shall retain ownership of the assets, property, and personal belongings currently in their possession.

b) Neither Party shall be entitled to any share of the other Party’s financial assets, including but not limited to bank accounts, retirement funds, investments, and other forms of wealth.

c) There shall be no division of jointly held property, as the Parties have agreed to distribute any jointly held assets equitably and separately, with neither Party receiving a financial gain.

### 4. **Division of Debts**
The Parties agree that each shall retain responsibility for any debts in their individual name. Any jointly held debts, including loans, credit card balances, or mortgages, have been settled or divided between the Parties in such a way that no Party shall owe the other any amount.

### 5. **Waiver of Alimony**
Both Parties hereby irrevocably waive any and all rights to request or receive alimony or spousal support now or in the future.

### 6. **No Claims Against Each Other**
The Parties mutually release each other from all claims, liabilities, and obligations arising from the marriage or any financial dealings during the marriage. This release includes, but is not limited to, claims for spousal support, alimony, property division, and any other monetary or financial claims.

### 7. **Confidentiality**
The Parties agree to keep the terms of this Agreement confidential, except where disclosure is required by law or necessary to effectuate the divorce.

### 8. **Entire Agreement**
This Agreement contains the entire understanding between the Parties and supersedes all prior agreements and understandings relating to the subject matter hereof. No modification, alteration, or waiver of this Agreement shall be valid unless in writing and signed by both Parties.

### 9. **Voluntary Execution**
Each Party acknowledges that they have entered into this Agreement freely, voluntarily, and without any duress or undue influence. Both Parties confirm that they have had the opportunity to seek independent legal advice prior to signing this Agreement.

### 10. **Governing Law**
This Agreement shall be governed by and construed in accordance with the laws of the state of **[State]**, and any disputes arising under this Agreement shall be resolved in the courts of **[State]**.

### 11. **Effective Date**
This Agreement shall become effective as of the date of the final judgment of divorce entered by the court.

IN WITNESS WHEREOF, the Parties have executed this Divorce Settlement Agreement as of the date indicated below.

**Spouse 1 Signature:** ______________________
**Date:** ______________________

**Spouse 2 Signature:** ______________________
**Date:** ______________________

**Witness Signature (if required by state law):** ______________________
**Date:** ______________________

---

This draft should be reviewed by an attorney to ensure compliance with your local jurisdiction's laws and any necessary legal formalities.

RavVid · Answer

No similar 17 year experience but I would take wanting a break to be wanting to try other men and I wouldn't find that acceptable.

There is a blip up in divorce rates around 20 years sadly; usually associated with the empty nest.

Doubt this will help but people with mental anguish do go for geographic escape but no matter where they go they still take themselves along. So that doesn't work. At best it is diversion. Some advice around that might help.

After 17 years you both can't be other than a little boring to each other but at the same time dependable and reliable. Couples counseling is almost entirely centered on the female's grievances. It tends to be a pile on on the guy. Somebody else representing what you are saying might help her see it better and you individually could probably do with some counselling to deal with the grief. . You could try to find one that will be your mouth piece to her and reflect on what you do have together and what it could be with sons, daughters and grand children at family festivities.

I think that needs to be represented to her together with the falsity of geographic escapes as a solution.

I think you should completely reject a trial separation and compel her to break up without that soft trial copout.

I suspect she has checked out though but making a last hurrah stand is appropriate.

Good luck.

Anonymous · Answer

She wants out. As soon as she finds another man she gone. This break is to keep you on the hook while she bangs other guys.
When the end comes you will be shocked at how cold, ruthless and calculating she is.
What you should start doing is quietly preparing for the end. Any savings, bonds, stocks or shares you have then you should change it into cash. If you've a joint account raid it. Any property you have move it to your parents or relatives. If you own a good car transfer if to your father's name. Start working less so you earn less which will help when it comes to alimony and child support. Basically anything you can do.
I know a guy who's wife was cheating and planning to leave his ass. HD encouraged her to take a premonition and started working 3 days per week meaning he was the primary care giver to the kids. When she filed for divorce he ended up with full custody and her paying alimony and child support because he earned less than her and did most of the looking after the children.

blunty · Answer

When your wife asks for a break, it can feel really difficult, but it doesn't necessarily mean things are over between you. Sometimes, a break gives both of you space to reflect and figure out what's really going on in the relationship. There's definitely hope if you're both willing to put in the effort to understand each other and work on the issues. Try to give her the space she needs without pushing, and take this time to reflect on yourself, too. When she's ready to talk, focus on listening and understanding. It might just bring you closer in the end. :)

robot · Answer

Taking a break in a relationship can be tough, but it doesn't mean it's the end. It's important to respect your wife's need for space while reflecting on the relationship's challenges. Use this time to work on yourself, emotionally and mentally. Honest communication is key—talk to her openly when she’s ready and listen without judgment. Show her you’re willing to address the issues that led to this point. Sometimes, breaks help strengthen the bond by giving each person a chance to grow individually. ​

babet · Answer

I hate to say it, but if she’s asking for space and seems checked out, it might be time to accept it’s over. After 17 years, I’m sure this hurts like hell, but sometimes people just grow apart, especially after going through major life changes. It sounds like she’s focused on herself now, and you should do the same. Don’t waste your energy on something that might not come back. It’s gonna be hard, but start thinking about your own happiness and future. You deserve someone who's fully in it with you. Stay strong for yourself and the kids.

BadApple69 · Answer

I hate to use that old saying “if you love something, let it go, if it comes back it was meant to be.”
But it is very fitting here.
The harder you try to hold on the more she will want to get away.
It’s a long shot and will be very hard for you, but I think you need to have a talk with her and give her freedom. You have kids so a separation will be super hard on everyone including the kids. So I suggest that you tell her she is free to go out when she wants, do what she wants, as much as she wants… it’ll be the hardest thing for you seeing her walk out the door all dressed up. She is bored at home. She needs some excitement, men go through this too.
If you do a trial separation that means you will get out, you will have to call to visit your kids, and probably you’ll never come back to the home with your wife and kids.
So try to work things out where she can have some freedom and can “find herself” while you stay together. Say it’s for the kids.

Juxtapose · Answer

You are totally screwed and she's going to ruthlessly dump you as soon as she finds your replacement.

She blames you for her happiness but happiness comes from within. You should polish your appearance and other things that attract women and find somebody else so this stings less.

My condolences for your loss. This kind of thing is never easy and is why I don't FULLY trust romantic partners. You always have to keep it in the back of your mind that they could leave you at any time.

Anonymous · Answer

She’s already checked out. Makes me wonder if she thinks she could have had a better life had she not spent it w you for 17 years. That would make her 25 at the time. Not sure what she was like before she met you. Partying? Sleeping around, etc? If not she might be regretting never having actually lived her life. But I’m not surprised it’s usually the women who initiate a divorce because many of them look at their happiness first before their marriage, even before their kids. She will get out there, most likely realize no one else is probably going to want her so she will try to come back. Sounds like she wants to explore more. See what she all missed out on. If she does really have mental health issues there’s not a whole lot you can do about that. She needs professional help. So far you haven’t said much to indicate that you’re the problem. That you did something like cheat. Did you?

thegreenyogi · Answer

I agree with other people on here who say there's always hope. But just because you've been with someone for 17 years and share two children doesn't act as a sole guarantee that you will be together for life. Things change and people change so you can expect the unexpected at all times. From the outside it seems to me your wife has already decided even if putting it gently. So I guess it's fair to say you can expect it to end.

brandon · Answer

After 17 years and two kids, there’s still something worth fighting for. She’s going through a lot emotionally, and maybe she just needs time to find herself again. Give her the space she asked for, but also show her you’re still committed. Show her the man she fell in love with is still there. Be patient, open, and consistent. You can win her back, but it’s gonna take time and effort. Stay strong.

PeachyPie93 · Answer

There is hope if she isn't looking into another man for something, but you would have to look into that. If she has someone she likes there is no saving it. If not I would suggest just giving her space she might realize what she is losing. Other than that don't take it personally and focus on yourself while you two are separated.

BetaBucks · Answer

She just needs to have sex with other men, that's all. There's nothing you can do to stop hypergamy. And you've already lost her, mentally. You can let her play you, let her cuck you, or let her go so she can swallow all the cum she needs to feel better. It's your choice. What you can't do is make her respect you again.

Hit the gym, update your wardrobe, join social/exercise groups, go bang younger, prettier chicks. You'll get over it.

strateguy632 · Answer

Don't do the "break". Marriage was a commitment she can't take a break to meet other men. Try counciling for the reason n purposes to keep the Marriage succeeding.

XXTruthfulOgrexx · Answer

In my opinion, if you require a break, the relationship is done. Why? Because those closest should be the ones ww turn to in times if life upheavals.

Our spouses should be our oasis in a storm not something we run and hide from.

bongo · Answer

I get it, that sounds really tough. After 17 years, it's hard to know what to do when things feel like they’re falling apart. Maybe giving her the space she's asking for will help, but don’t lose yourself in the process. Focus on yourself.

Anonymous · Answer

Make it clear you see your future with her but give her some space. Monitor her behaviour and look for signs of a way forward. It is hurtful when they do this but you need to focus on the prize. Don't cause problems where there need not be any.
If she starts with other men, that's a problem.
Focusing on the kids instead of your relationship doesn't seem smart but you are where you are.

AgentG111 · Answer

Leave get out and realize that you had some good times. The second let alone minute a married woman says she needs a break or separation and she doesn't want to work on things together get out FAST.!

Caroline91 · Answer

I’m so sorry for what you both are going through. I suggest that you get into counseling for yourself to help you navigate this no matter how it turns out.

jled44 · Answer

I’m in the same situation, but i actually moved out to give us time. I’ve been out of the house for about 3 weeks now and we have been on more dates in that short amount of time the my whole marriage and things are starting to look like they’re getting better

Nikki1989 · Answer

There is always hope, but if she has truly checked out as you say, it could be over.

katiesmuff · Answer

Prepare for it to be over and do whatever you can to keep the trauma as little as possible for the kids.

DextroShade · Answer

Tell her that at her age with two kids she is not going to find anyone better than you. She will likely get fucked and chucked a few times, then die alone. I recommend you watch Kevin Samuels videos together.

Open-minded99 · Answer

Pray. Ask the father for help. If you don't believe then start. Find a good non judgmental counselor possibly

dustybiker2 · Answer

Sounds like she's already left. Brace yourself.

Alex-Snow · Answer

Sorry to hear this. Have you considered some additional marriage counseling with a different counselor? Do you still have sex or has that stopped also? Are you sure she is not cheating? Hang in there!

Bubbatech24065 · Answer

It's time to face the Music. Sit down with her, and discuss why she has grown away from the relationship, and broken the marital vows. And if it is possible for her to return to the vows she made when they got married.

gorydetails · Answer

It sounds like she made her decision. Men will sacrifice their happiness for their family, Women will sacrifice their family for happiness.

SotiCoto · Answer

Would anything anyone here says make any difference whatsoever to the outcome?

Anonymous · Answer

Yep... been in your shoes. You're not too old to start over. Enjoy your new life.

LiamJHayden · Answer

If you want to try to save it, put her first each day for a month and see what happens.

paledreams · Answer

Divorces though are keeping lawyers in jobs

Ladsin2 · Answer

Not likely. Best of luck.

My wife wants a break. Is there any hope for us?

Most Helpful Opinions

What Girls & Guys Said

My wife wants a break. Is there any hope for us?

Most Helpful Opinions

What Girls & Guys Said

We're glad to see you liked this post.