What’s worse for kids: a fake, toxic marriage or divorce with custody split?

[Vesuvius87]

I can this with honesty:

I wish my parents would've been divorced long ago. It was terrible having to witness their violent episodes happening probably once a month or once every two months. Personally if my husband ever laid a hand on me once that would be over for me. Even once is too much for me. That's not all. At some point in 2012, supposedly my mother said my father went on explaining how she was never the love of his life but that he was always in love with his ex girlfriend. She pretty much dislikes him by now and their marriage is a farce; a mockery of what genuine commitment, love and respect is suppose to be about.

As of now, every single hang-out they go out to and even their so called ''40th wedding anniversary'' (that was on March 27th) is a facade, all for appearances. So basically growing up, I've seen a chaotic, unloving and dysfunctional marriage with episodes of violence. My parents would cover it up by going out more often and celebrating Christmas, etc.

Tell me what's worse to you:

What I've lived though my life; parents are together but it's a total facade of a marriage, a dysfunctional one

Divorced parents with joint custody and separation of assets

Staying for the kids' sake or for appearances... it's all a facade and toxic and the child witnessed it all

Parents are divorced, joint custody and separation of assets

[laurieluvsit]

A choice between two evils - how about tossing a coin?

... in both cases the children are the big losers, not the adults.

Some people shouldn't get married at all, or if they do, should not have children

... end of story.

[Vesuvius87]

Exactly. The children are the only affected parties.

[Cidknee]

Been there except it was weekly and sometimes more than once in a week. My parents did divorce, 3 times and got back together. Separated i guess 500 times. Small town where everybody knew. Sympathetic onlookers to the poster child of abused women. We, my two sisters and I would beg her not to go back as he, through the years rearranged a once beautiful woman's face by broken jaws and noses along with arms and legs.

It took me until age 26 to stop what mother endured for 31 years. Shootings and beatings then a short prayer along with time and he stopped. A man who was so fierce the cops refused to come when I was 10 years old, twice.

[Vesuvius87]

I'm sincerely sorry for everything you had gone through. No one ever deserves getting abused in a marriage. I can tolerate many things and will work out with my husband till he end but if there are two things I will never put up with are abuse (abuse of any type; animal cruelty, abuse towards old people, etc... I hate violence) and infidelity. The other things such as husband getting fired from his job, our financial economy going down, etc all that can be worked out. I believe marriage should be a special commitment that you're not suppose to give up easily unless there is violence, it's very toxic or they cheat.

[Cidknee]

Yeah, my mom was very stubborn and tough. She outlasted him i guess. I'm actually 63. They married in 57. The cops were afraid of him after he shot at them in 69 or 70. But the sherif was a whole different animal. My dad knew John very well. Since childhood and he knew that John Terrell would shoot him. He saved us many times when I was 10 to about 12 or 13.

[LC75LC71]

All I knew was my mom leaving my dad and living in a trailer that her brother bought. This was in 1984 for context. I was a young boy that was asked by adults which parent I would want to live with. I don't even remember choosing my mom, just bits and pieces of the court proceedings. After years of of going to my dad's house every other weekend, I eventually wanted to live with him. He was more financially stable and well that's all I'm going to share. Anyway I think it would be better to stick it out for the children. When you have a child, it's not about you anymore it's about your offspring.

[Vesuvius87]

I think if there wasn't any violence involved nor insults thrown out, I might have been ok with my parents staying. It's the aggression I hate. If they're going to stay for the kids' sake, then it better be under peaceful terms and making sure no child is nearby to witness chaos. If you're a man and have a daughter then obviously not hitting your wife during arguments is common sense; no girl likes watching their mother get hit.

[Vesuvius87]

Honestly kids also know when it's all a fake act too. Kids can know more than adults think. That can be just as traumatic too.

[Anonymous]

How we behave with others, and expect and accept of others, particularly lovers, is first modeled by our parents. The parents staying together simply teaches the children to expect this and accept it as normal.

[Vesuvius87]

Then there are also people that decide to break the cycle and not tolerate what their parents accepted, to raise their kids differently.

[Genie23]

I would say it's definitely couples living together even though they don't get along at all. The way they handle things and treat each other is toxic, yet they don't do anything to fix it.. and they don't even leave each other. I think living in such environment will most likely affect kids because they hear constant yelling, abuse and all happening happening at home. They start being afraid, have trouble sleeping and become distant... their grades start affecting. Some kids become silent even at school... in other kids cases they start feeling the way their parents treat each other is how couples do.. and that it's normal, so they end up up becoming like them. Cycle repeats itself.

So, I think.. sure, staying together even though their relationship is volatile is worse than getting to see/spend time with only one parent at a time. Of course, I could be wrong.

[Vesuvius87]

Exactly. I feel their horrible arguments and violent episodes was part of the reason my social skills at school got affected (they got stunt for a while) so much.

[Genie23]

I'm sorry to hear you went through that. No child deserves to hear their parents fight. It affects young minds. I kinda know how you feel because I've witnessed some terrible fights too. The only good thing that came out of this situation is that you know what not to do especially when your kids are around. How to handle conflicts. When we see our parents act in such a way that we feel was wrong, we kinda remember it, and tell ourselves. "I'll never do these two my kids" So, even incredibly difficult situations helps us become a better person. I haven't talked to you much, but I've see you around. You come across as someone who is empathetic. Your kids are lucky to have a parent like you.

[Maybe_Maybe_not]

It doesn't really matter because couples staying together at all costs probably don't believe that kids input should be listened to in the first place.

[Vesuvius87]

Exactly. Sometimes I think my parents were partially acting selfish by ignoring my needs (when I was a kid) for a peaceful, loving home and no violence.

[Vesuvius87]

I didn't deserve to witness all that chaos.

[Maybe_Maybe_not]

No kid deserves that, mentalities change but rather in slow motion

[Anonymous]

Mine should have stayed together. My life got totally fucked by the divorce. I had to go to court at 12 I spent years trying to outmanuver psychologists who had MBA's because they were trying to put us all against eachother. More than 6 social workers got promoted off my families case. And so far as I know, 3 documents were doctored by dyfs. Probably more though.

I had nobody to raise me or teach me about why I was having such a hard time. I watched my parents go from living in poverty to gaining everything to losing everything again.

I would have had more stability being broke the whole time.

But the truth is there is no clear answer. Everyone's case is different. My parents got divorced because my mother threatened to fake an injury on my father right in front of me. The arguments were so normal to me by then I was thrown off he had to leave that day.

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

Statistics have shown, more often than not that children prefer divorced parents over toxic and fighting parents

[loveslongnails]

A fake marriage is probably worse. Kids sense that stuff and they'll want to know what's going on.

[Vesuvius87]

Exactly. I actually think that's worse. At least if a child leaves in a split house, they already know his/her parents didn't get along instead of always being nervous whenever there is a horrible argument between the parents.

[loveslongnails]

I agree, and it also shows them they both still love the child.

[Ariesman81Nshiiit]

As a child of divorced parents, I can tell you that my dad was a pussy for not putting a stop to my mother's controlling and domineering ways.

[yulbsari]

Definitely fake toxic marriage!!!

[Nikki1989]

A toxic marriage.

[Vesuvius87]

Definitely

[strateguy632]

Divorce is worse for kids.

[Bklynbadboy12]

The split of course anything toxic is no good

[Sammy098]

Divorce with custody split

[missallly]

my kids say there happier in a split house

[NathanDavis]

neglect

[eagle1951]

Divorce

[Vesuvius87]

All I know is the psychological harm my parents did to me still stays there. That's not going to disappear by our good, financial status. No money is ever going to cure that. This is a major reason I'm seeking psychological help soon. I have wished for years for my parents to already end the game.