To Approach or Not to Approach (Women)?

To approach or not to approach (women)?

Gonna make this one a quickie.

So I've been seeing debate over this pop up a lot lately (especially on GaG), and so i thought I'd share my point of view. A lot of guys have this fear of approaching girls that catch their eye, whether it be at a grocery store, on the street, in class, or whatever else. The fear is usually centered around potentially being viewed as creepy or embarrassing themselves. My view is that you really shouldn't give a fuck, and i'll state three reasons why

Number 1 - You will NEVER know what girls collectively want

So you think girls don't like being cold approached on the street? Well...yeah...Some don't like it. But on the flip side, some enjoy it.

So you think girls don't like being approached at the coffee shop? Well yeah...Some don't like it. But on the flip side, some enjoy it.

So you think girls don't like being approached at the library? Well yeah...Some don't like it. But on the flip side, some enjoy it.

Getting the point? In your attempt to avoid being perceived a certain way by one group of women, you're potentially closing yourself off from a girl who would respect and be attracted to your boldness. I was reminded of the somewhat confusing nature of the collective female mind after seeing how many women STILL voted for Trump, despite how apparently despicable to women he is behind closed doors. Individually, a girl may know what she wants, but collectively its a confusing mess that you really shouldn't burden yourself with trying to understand. The best approach is to approach....and if you choose to do so...make no apology for it, and take full responsibility for it. Give me almost any place on the planet, and i can find for you girls that don't like being approached there, and girls that do. Think all girls like being approached even in a "approach sanctioned" place like a club/bar? Well, nope. How many times have you heard girls go to a bar/club and say that they are there to enjoy the night with their friends, and don't really want to be harassed by guys? I have...many times. There really is no "winning" in the sense that you will never please everyone when it comes to a subject like this...so why bother? You can choose to not approach/make the first move at all, but then you'll just end up pissing off girls like this, and your sexually frustrated self in the process.

Number 2 - If you don't make the first move, she won't

You know this to be true, generally. Sometimes, I'll read a question on GaG discussing this, and ill happen to read the opinion of a girl who doesn't like being hit on, and I'll see a bunch of guys on her opinion basically putting their intimidation on display in an effort to not be viewed as creepy by this one girl. What some guys don't seem to get is that once this girl finally decides that its time for her to come out of her shell and date, she'll get her guy no problem. While you continue to sit at home twiddling your thumbs, being a good boy by not taking a risk in order to not be viewed negatively by some girls, making them as comfortable as possible...the girl(s) who you are taking your commands from are getting throat-fucked by their boyfriend. I'm not saying you HAVE to make the first move as the guy. What I AM saying though is that your reason/excuse for not making the first move had better be much more sensible than that.

Number 3 - The worst that can happen is that she tells you to fuck off, unless...

Unless you aren't properly socially calibrated, and you end up doing something you really shouldn't do. If you're going to make a boldish move, i would suggest three general guidelines that will keep you out of trouble: 1) Don't approach women in areas where they can't escape from you should they choose to (ie. no elevators, no trains, no planes) 2) No means no, period. And 3) Do not touch her, nor follow her...unless specifically prompted by her to do so. if you follow these general rules, typically the worst that will happen is that she will tell you she isn't interested, or she won't even acknowledge your existence...in which case you get points for trying.

So for these reasons, i generally encourage guys to not make excuses, and to just do it. I know girls who literally met their boyfriends on a freeway/intersection. I also know girls who don't like being hit on whatsoever. The world is full of nuance things and nuanced people...and so instead of trying to cater to the ends of that nuance which doesn't serve you well at all, i argue that you should cater to the ends that actually gets you what you want out of life. We all know that very little in life is handed to you. We typically have to go out and get what we want. Dating and women are no different.

Cheers

- Negrodamus


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Most Helpful Girl

  • This was a good read - though #2 is only half true. More girls will make the first move, (I certainly will) but it still rings true that if a guy doesn't make ANY moves, a girl will stop trying. And, in truth, women are super drawn in by guys who DO make the first move. Why? For the very reason you wrote this take: guys won't ever approach, and those who do tend to be a little... offside. At least that's how it was for me a lot of the time.

    All in all this was a great take, simple and to the point.

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    • Thanks for your insights!

Most Helpful Guy

  • Excuses is all men have these days. It's getting kind of old. Nice take.

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What Girls Said 8

  • Amen!
    I agree with each point. How men and society in general have got to stop making something as simple and harmless as approaching a woman seem so daunting. You're approaching another human being- not a predatory creature like a tiger or whatever, that's been deprived of from food for days. It's not like you have much to lose with a simple 'hey', followed by a line of smalltalk not in any way different from how you'd chat with another guy.

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    • right? xD i really don't know when approaching another human being became like hunger games or something... but i think a lot of men nowadays have been nurtured big time by these unwritten rules that are doing neither gender any favours

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    • Ament

      Approaching someone is that you see same interests Morals, values, ethics play a very important key in approaching someone. Like meeting my wife at college. She and I both are Christian. That why we approach each other. It was not sex.

    • KaylaS91, I left this out. I total agree with you.

  • Lol agreed.

    >Doesn't approach women
    >Then complains about being single.

    If you don't make an effort then you aren't going to get pussy. Simple logic.

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    • I had a facepalm moment back in college when I realized that I had never asked a girl out before.

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    • Women invest... Nothing! Lol what you need to know about men is that WE dont want the same thing as women. You need to establish that my dear. Sex is more important to me than a relationship thats for sure, sex is just below food and sleep in terms of needs and relationships and marriage is just below computer games; its alright but gets boring.

    • I think it was a Freudian slip... but both are as overrated as each other anyway so not much difference.

  • All good points. I would just like to add that if both genders could work on being a little more gracious in their rejections, everyone would be a little more likely to approach. I know I've approached guys before and got laughed at and heard things like "yeah, right" or "dream on". And while it's certainly everyone's right to be selective, there is no reason to be an @ss about it.

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    • It's just the way things are though, I'd actually enjoy it if someone rejected me like that because it's at least funnier than the usual "sorry, I have a boyfriend". You just have to laugh at these things, what people really think doesn't matter.

    • @Kkaos you're right, what other people think doesn't matter. What does matter is that people who are more sensitive or shy than the rest of us hear these kinds of things and are deterred from asking again for a long time.

    • Yeah, I guess the thing is there are always going to people who will knock you back, some less kindly than others. Being sensitive is a weakness and people should try and face that fear rather than hide from it. I don't have respect for people who are mean to other people, but I also don't have respect for people who accept defeat because of the unkind actions of others.

      I remember hearing a guy who had been rejected over and over again, it used to hurt him but he'd pushed through it and when people asked why he still bothered, he said because if he decided to stop doing it, then he was just rejecting himself and I think that was very true. It's very sad when someone's been beaten down to the point that they think that they're no longer worth anything.

  • I completely agree with you! And even if she says noit may not be anything personal to you, just that she isn't available or some other reason. It's flattering to be approached in a nice manner and a majority of girls think that. We don't like guys cat calling or being creepy when trying to come ontu us.

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  • Nice take.
    I agree with most except for #2.
    I guess it depends on where you are, but girls approach and hit on guys all the time.

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  • If you're a nice guy with good intentions please appoach. Usually the men that do approach are wolves in sheeps clothing, player types. Nice guys need to take over.

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  • I agree wholeheartedly

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  • girls shouldn't initiate. our ego is just too precious to get hurt... .

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    • But it's totally fine if a man's ego gets hurt?

    • @Kirah screw men. they are our playthings to fuck, gold dig snd procreate with.

What Guys Said 32

  • I'm all about showing initiative and effort when I want something... and that is why I approach women.

    Too many guys get caught up in the "equality" argument when it comes to approaching women... when it is really comes to the simple idea of going to get what you want.

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    • precisely

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    • @Botchie one of the biggest things I learned about myself in the past few years, is that I'm not as much of a liberal/Democratic person as I originally thought.

      I'm discovering that I'm way more of a traditionalist than I thought.

    • @Prof_Don We're always learning. Maybe as the years go by, you become less liberal/Democratic. That's how I used to be. It just takes some self reflection to see where we were and how we've changed/grown as people. I don't think many people take the time to do it like we do.

  • Or... I could just pay hard cash for an escort that looks smoking hot like a model and fucks like a porn star? Oh yeah guys! well worth it than approaching numerous hostile rejections and risking a sexual harassmentNo charge. Then when successful I eventually having to pay and take her out on numerous dates for her to then blow me off for some other guy who's willing to spend more on here than me. Not to mention all PUA material, the costs of dating sites, going to bars not to be guaranteed anything, the time, effort and energy it zaps from you just for sex.

    Back in the good old days of patriarchy you didn't have to do all this shit, all you needed was a job to be guaranteed a girlfriend or wife.

    MGTOW

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    • harassment charge*

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    • Oh, I misunderstood... thought you were talking about them finding you attractive if you make 6 figures.

      Yeah, there's gina tingles for the top 0.01% men, then all other sex is transactional. All of it ever.

    • @Notorisch_Arschloch Anyway what did you mean about the 6 figure idea? do you already make that kind of salary?

  • All true, but one major problem.

    Cowardly, timid, frightened guys can't become less so simply by reading a couple of paragraphs of text.

    If human nature was that easy to change, every diet book would consist of three golden words "STOP EATING FATTY!"

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    • "Cowardly, timid, frightened guys can't become less so simply by reading a couple of paragraphs of text." And that's where they need to get off the internet, get out and start approaching.

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    • I guess it just depends how much they want it. If they want it enough they'll find a way.

    • @Kkaos One hundred percent correct. This is one thing you don't get help with. You literally have to "man up". Like the lady said, no pussy for pussies.

  • This goes for both genders. Especially #2. Women need to learn to approach guys just as much, if not more.

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    • I agree that there's no reason as to why expectations to approach shouldn't extend to women as well but what's the reasoning behind your argument that women need to learn to approach guys even more than men approaching women?

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    • @cth96190 your 'point'? Hm... looks like you're scrambling to reestablish your 'point' after the previous one failed miserably but hey- you do you.
      https://m.popkey.co/0ebfb9/M7qLx.gif

    • I've asked a guy to my school dance before and will do it again. ❤

  • After years of misreading women and constant rejection, I've learnt not to approach a girl again until she straight up tells me she likes me. I can't be bothered making a move on a girl who i think likes me only to find out i was just misreading her signs again.

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    • But what if you could change that to the point that it did even bother you? Wouldn't it be great to get to a point where you can casually talk to women whom you find attractive and enjoy it regardless of the outcome?

    • @Kkaos I do talk to women, usually without really caring too much about the outcome but I'm quite flirtatious so that sometimes rubs off the wrong way with women. Even if i don't have any feelings for them

  • Although there are girls who like being approached in public, the odds are really stacked against you. We'll all heard women complain about being approached much, much, MUCH more often than they complain about not being approached. You're looking only at the 10% chance the guy could score, not at the 90% chance of bothering/frightening/irritating someone who just wants to go about her business without interference.

    I always felt it was somehow retarded to "hit on" a stranger you know practically nothing about. She could already have a boyfriend, STDs, be mentally ill, or have values totally opposite of yours. Are we supposed to hit on someone based on appearance alone? Or a brief, shallow interaction? Apparently that is enough motivation for most guys but I never understood it.

    I once saw a guy approach a girl in a store at the mall: "I saw you from across the room and thought, DAMN... you are sooo beautiful! Can I have your number?" Although the girl didn't give it outright, she told him the store where she worked so he could come by later. Partial score for the guy, but I couldn't help thinking I never want to be one of THOSE guys. Since I don't really understand this type of approach, the whole interaction seemed weird and off-putting to me. But then what do I know?

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  • Good man. Approaching was always my hardest obstacle but then once you do it it becomes super addictive. men need to learn that they don't lack anything so nothing is an excuse besides a disinterest or an obvious red flag. guys who are confident approaching girls are simply comfortable with rejection though to their friends they seem like rockstars and, indeed, they pull of what 95% of guys can't simply by being that bold dude. amazing take

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  • Good points. In addition to places where women can't physically leave (elevators, etc.) I also try to avoid approaching women that I know I will regularly run into (co-workers, neighbors) as a failed approach may make future interactions awkward.

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  • I don't really "approach" strangers whether they're women or men, because there's not really any way to know if I'm going to get along with them, and most likely I wouldn't... it's not really about fear, it just does not seem like time well spent. I don't really enjoy just talking to people for the hell of it.

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    • You can't stalk someone and watch them in the background in order to know if you'll get along with them or not before you actually talk to them. You approach someone to see if you get along, if you don't, then move on. It's pretty simple.

      What's time well spent depends on the person. But I find it very difficult to understand how it's not time well spent if you're single and attracted to women.

      I don't really enjoy just talking to people for the hell of it either, but this isn't talking to someone for the hell of it, this is talking to someone who I find attractive for the purposes of getting to know them and potentially be the start of a great relationship.

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    • True, but your standards must be really high if you can only see yourself getting a long with 1 or 2 out of 20 girls whom you find attractive, lol,

    • @Kkaos Well maybe, lol. Maybe I doubt myself too much too. Like I think I can be pretty sociable and enjoyable to hang out with but I'm always concerned that if someone really gets to know me, sees inside my house, and hears my secrets or whatever they're going to be freaked out by how weird I am.

  • Hahaha, that article. Is all about work. Men are lazier, so are women. Technology and too many people. Once the world depopulates, s*** will balance out, we're off kilter and women are more miserable than ever. Guys need to pay more positive attention to women and women need to desire better attention. Stop treating yourselves like s*** out of spite. And... the dating scene will get better.

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  • I never really cared. I might see a cute girl here and there but women tend to be very low on my priority list. I mean, it would be nice to find a pretty girl who loved me but then I look at life and see the important things that need to be done and I go do them.

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  • There are places you shouldn't approach women for this kind of thing (A hospital wouldn't be a good place for an extreme example) but overall you have nothing to lose. Generally it's just using common sense to know when it is and isn't ok.

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    • Oh you never know, I once shared a moment with a nurse when I was in hospital once. But it depends on the situation, lol.

  • Definitely agree. Get shot down happens to the best of us. You die a thousand deaths in the dating game if you let that bother you. Like you said, as long as there isn't some issue with social calibration, you're not going to do anything outlandish to get that proverbial drink thrown in your face (important to note when dealing with hot coffee😂).
    2.bp.blogspot.com/.../best.jpg

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  • So you're saying men should approach women, wow... discovery of the century.

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  • I have approached and have been rejected by so many women I question what point i have in bothering to do so.

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    • You obviously thought there was a point in it when you did it? What's changed? You approached because you were going after what you want. So what if it didn't work out. You're always going to be worse off if you just give up.

    • @Kkaos
      really? even after getting rejected over 13 years? feels like i am some kind of freak

  • Getting said "no" is the least of the problems. The worst thing in my opinion is when you get played with , because they either loke the attention or are for some reason affraid to say no.

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  • You make some pretty good points but when its all said and done individual results will vary. Not all of us will be that fortunate... no matter what we do or dont do for that matter. Right here where im at in Los Angeles, there is obviously a variety of gorgeous women that i can take the "No" from, but when each and every single one of them gives you the extra attitude wit it... it kind of gets old after a little while you know. If there is something that i've learned is to simply mind my own damn business and just concentrate on me, myself and i. Nevertheless, they eventually end up hating that because your not giving them the attention that others did to actually approach them and have them tell you to get lost, therefore giving them more power. Overall, this approaching thing gets a little old... to each his own, good luck to all.

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  • I occasionally do a cold approach and I agree with the idea that different women have such different opinions on it that you shouldn't worry about some of them getting offended/creeped out.

    But it has been a fruitless endeavour for me. The worst is not a straight up rejection, the worst is getting your time wasted because she enjoys the attention and won't tell you she's taken (and most are taken) or not really interested. It also feels so pointless in most places because you're essentially getting a highly randomized sample of women so most are incredibly stupid, obnoxious, crazy or otherwise instantly incompatible. I think on the whole it's not really a great way to meet someone if you have any kind of standards.

    P. S. do take into account cultural differences: attitudes are very different between countries.

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  • I've yet to meet a heterosexual female that legitimately doesn't like male attention for the purposes of asking her out, unless she was lesbian. It has always been they don't like being approached by the "wrong" guy, in the "wrong" way. Any girl who meets a cool guy in my experience is happy that they met and that he talked to her. Even if it doesn't go anywhere. They tend to feel good that a cool guy would even try. Some girls just like being able to say a guy tried and she turned him down. It's stupid, but it's true.

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    • X out the "unless she was lesbian" part. Redundant line I forgot to delete lol.

  • Leave all your fucks behind in 2016 and just do it.

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  • It's so awful how we live in a rape culture where men are taught how to "approach" women.

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  • Orrr... You get successful career wise, work on yourself, focus on yourself, get buff/fit, read, learn, travel... and girls will eventually approach you and see you as a good catch.

    I don't know what's the fixation in "having" to approach women. You don't really have to put yourself out there too much if you become a great catch and focus on your personal success.

    Sure, you could approach a girl if a situation/context favors you, but this mentality on being on the lookout for women and approaching them actually causes the opposite effect. The less you put your mind on women and dating, the more successful you will be. Trust me, less investment and effort on others, and more on yourself is the key and not only women but pretty much every other area of your life.

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    • You're exactly right, especially with that last point. Although casual approaching is decent in the case of exceptional women who you do not know. Problem with letting women approach you is you don't get to choose, the beauty of approaching is being able to go after what you want. Now obviously, like you said, don't invest too much and just be confident in yourself.

      I don't approach women with the intention of attracting them, far from it. I approach them with the mindset that I'm giving them the opportunity to get to know me, what they choose to do with that opportunity is up to them.

    • "I approach them with the mindset that I'm giving them the opportunity to get to know me, what they choose to do with that opportunity is up to them."

      Whenever there's a good chance to approach I agree this is a good mindset. You can put yourself available on ocassion, that's perfectly fine, but if she's not interested ok and if she is ok too.

      What many guys have wrong, other than actively seeking women, is that they don't focus on improving on themselves most of the time, if at all. This causes men to have low confidence and self esteem. If you walk out the door confident, you leave knowing you're the prize, the catch, not whoever you run into or talk to during the day. A little bit of ego and high self esteem is always good, and if you don't elevate yourself no one else will.

      As you said, you give them the chance, the opportunity. But it takes both work and experience to get there. You have to be the best version of yourself to truly believe that and be a bit self centered.

  • Ok cool

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  • Nicely stated

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  • thats why i picked this username

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  • Approach if: You're good looking, and she makes eye contact with you several times

    Don't approach: If you can't make both things above happen...

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  • Well done.

    Usually what a woman says and how a woman acts are two different things.

    Women don't seek so much attention because they don't like attention.

    Never shy from approaching. In the end who gives a fuck about moron women that take offence to somebody showing interest.
    If it goes well, great.
    If she's a complete asshole and rejects you harshly:
    " oh I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were a cunt" and walk away with your head held high.
    In the end women only have as much power over us as we allow them.

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  • I've been approaching women for a few years now and while I agree that it's better to do it than not do it, there are a lot of girls who are really shy and/or insist that any guy they date MUST be a guy they already know that they met through friends, classes etc. It's bullshit, but that's how it is.

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    • I guess what I'm saying is that just because you approach girls, doesn't mean your dating life is gonna be smooth sailing from now until the end of time. Women make up one half of the equation, and when they reject us for irrational reasons, there's nothing we can really do about it.

  • Stopped reading as soon as I read your snarky little anti-trump comment that's supported with false media narratives and debunked allegations. 👎🏼

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  • Honestly I think men are set up to fail by the female population. I've found most women don't like to approached unless it's the bar/club scene. I've seen women get very annoyed with guys approaching them and way overreact to the point they're crying sexual assault just cause a guy tried to approach them and tell her he found her beautiful. And DO NOT approach groups of women. This was the case here and the group of girls was giggling, obviously not sexual assault. It's all a giant GAME honestly. There are guys that I know who can pickup a girl anywhere by cold approaching them. But, if your not 10-15% of the male population that can do that and don't have those talents, then your going to come off as an idiot and women are just going to mock you for it. Women complain about the guy who doesn't make a move and also the guy who DOES make a move. Like I said it's all a game when it shouldn't be. Then say you get that number and you think your sucessful? Chances are it's a fake number, she doesn't respond at all, or she responds a little then stop responding. Women give up their numbers out of fear... fear of saying no, fearing of pissing off the guy, etc. So, all you dudes that get all these numbers, it doesn't mean shit if nothing happens. I don't hate women, but it's just frustrating at times figuring out what women want and it just seems that women control the dating world.

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    • If you spent less time thinking about things and just doing things you might find things more enjoyable. Go after what YOU want and don't give a fuck about anything else. You see a girl you find attractive, approach her. If she laughs at you, if she doesn't appreciate it... That's her problem, just laugh it off and walk away. What matters is that you're taking action.

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    • Yeah, true. OP is right and it would make much more sense if women approached. I guess we behave similar to most animals where it's usually the male that approaches and usually gets turned down as well.

      Ideally it would be great if everyone approached, girls or guys, if they find someone attractive, they approached. But unfortunately that's not the case and I've learnt to not rely on other people to shape my destiny, if I want something, I go after it and I don't care what happens because at least I know I tried. My only prerequisite to approaching though is being the person I want to be, you have to be confident in yourself first. When you're confident, rather than feeling sorry for yourself when you get rejected, you can feel sorry for her that she missed the chance to be with probably one of the best guys she'll meet. True or not, arrogant or not, you have to believe that because otherwise you'll get hurt.

    • @Kkaos I agree with going after what you want. Trouble is I'm one of those guys who takes rejection from women hard. Women have approached me before. But I'm generally a risk-avoidant person. I don't care what other guys think of me, but generally take it hard from the opposite sex. So, many would say "man up". But, it's harder than that. For me, I just hit this mental "block" when it comes to approaching girls and I fail to do so even when I want to. It's like fear over-rides and your mind is like "too risky, not worth it".

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