Why I Don't Feel Ghosting is Always Wrong

[Anonymous]

Now I've recently asked a question on here, "Why is ghosting wrong?" And I've received many opinions from guys and girls. I've read them all and have carefully considered the various opinions. However, here is my take on the issue.

Note: To someone who isn't familiar with the term ghosting; it means cutting off all contact with a dating partner or friend without letting them know.

Immaturity

Many people have said that ghosting is a sign of immaturity. However, I beg to differ. I've dated quite a bit and have met many different kinds of guys. One time when I tried to break things with a guy I've been dating for 3 months, he threatened to commit suicide if I left him. I eventually did leave him and he never committed suicide but he put me through a lot of stress. I did call 911 and said that he had suicidal tendencies. Another guy went on a racial tirade against me for breaking things off with him (it was an interracial relationship). Some guys though did accept the break up but most often they did not and still continue to pursue me.

From my experiences, if I had just ghosted these guys I wouldn't have to put with all the verbal abuse they put me through. It's not being immature to look after yourself and safety.

Lack of respect and human decency

I would only consider it a lack of respect if I had ghosted on my husband or when I'm in a serious committed relationship for more than 2 years. I've ghosted guys I've only been dating for 3-6 months period. It would be a lack of respect if I told them I love them and made future plans with them, and then ghosted them. I did no such thing. I'm a very cautious person and it takes time for me to fall in love.

Ghosting is emotional abuse

It would only be emotional abuse if it was intentional. Now, I didn't ghost just to make guys suffer. I didn't have any malicious intent. I've ghosted because I was no longer interested and didn't want to see them. I thought it's common sense when a person stops replying, you get the point that they're no longer interested. Common sense isn't so common after all.
Also, people go through the same emotions of hurt and disappointment and questioning their self-worth when a breakup happens too. So are all breakups emotional abuse?
I've been ghosted before and it did hurt me but I accepted that they were no longer interested.

Ghosting is coward's way out

Is it really? Is not wanting confrontation and the risk of verbal abuse a coward's way out? I don't think so. It's being smart.

I want to say that if you're ghosting, ghost for the right reasons.

[BrittBratt2416]

Ghosting is wrong, if you don't want to see someone anymore or don't feel a connection and know they do for you, then have the balls to just say its not going to work. Don't make people sit in bed thinking about you and wondering what the hell they did wrong for days or even weeks when they can just move on quicker knowing your not interested. Rejection hurts both ways, you're not protecting anymore from just randomly disappearing, all it does is confuse the hell out of people cause they thought everything was going smooth and then- bam!- You drop off the earth like gravity stop existing. And telling someone you're no long further interesting does not mean everyone will act the same or give verbal abuse. People who do this is not a good character trait to have and shows you will or can just get up and vanish without a reasoning. and those are the type of people we all need to avoid when it comes to relationships.

[NewEnglandDude]

Could not agree more. I had been dating this girl for the past few weeks (we had a couple of dates), and either talked on the phone or texted each other every day. We had made plans for her to come to my apartment during the weekend, and she had repeatedly said that she was looking forward to it. Then the night before she was supposed to come I got a long, apologetic text from her saying how something came up and she couldn't come. It was like a paragraph long. I replied back saying I understood and I hope that she enjoyed her family event. I also asked if she was interested in doing things together (since it seemed so fishy for her to back out like this last minute) and she ghosted me. I put myself in a vulnerable position and a simple "no" would have given me clarity, but she didn't even give me that. Some girls these days are really unbelievable with how little they value other's emotions. I feel fine now, but it still sucked and it makes me not really willing to date for a bit

[NewEnglandDude]

Unfortunately, this is like the 8th or so time this has happened to me, but I've learned it's just kind of female nature for whatever reason. Nobody has the stones to tell me that they aren't interested anymore, they think ghosting is better because they're so damn selfish. Pretty hard to invest in people when you know it's fairly likely that they can drop you just like that, for seemingly no reason whatsoever. And not have a care in the world for how it makes you feel.

[BrittBratt2416]

@NewEnglandDude You're right, people are selfish. A lot people won't understand how their actions hurt people until it finally happens to them. That lets you know how self absorbed some people are, they only get it when their the ones getting shafted instead.

[NewEnglandDude]

Exactly, can only hope that karma exists and that the good people don't get shafted for the rest of eternity, and those assholes get what's coming to them. People like that shouldn't even be on this planet

[Cosytoasty]

You should tell the other person you’re not interested and that you no longer want to engage with them and wish the best... THEN ghost if they can’t handle it and continue.

You keep your dignity and and your decency that way, because you stated you INTENTION and the ball is in the other person’s court. By simply ghosting you are being cowardly, there is no two ways about it for anyone who has morals and was brought up correctly.

[ChronicThinker]

Why ghosting isn't always wrong: because it's not a big deal and people need to get the fuck over themselves.

Don't get me wrong, it CAN be a dick move if it's say LDR or you're actually dating someone but someone you hardly know ghosting you and acting ruined over it is totally weak.

[Tomsta]

Ghosting after a date that went well IS a dick move

[ChronicThinker]

@Tomsta "or if you're actually dating someone."

Yes I clearly stated that, thanks for reiterating.

[Tomsta]

1st date isn't dating someone that only happens after the 3rd date for me

[ChronicThinker]

@Tomsta To me if you're on a date you're "dating", i. e. the process of going on dates. It's the same shit.

[LegateLanius]

you do know that the person who made this mytake feels that ghosting someone after dating for over three months is mature. It is not

[ChronicThinker]

@LegateLanius It's not mature but it isn't a big deal, that's my point. If you have a mental breakdown because an internet person ghosts you then I'm sorry but you aren't mature either. Get over it. Life goes on.

[LegateLanius]

no it is immature and its not an internet person that she's talking about, it is someone she is dating that is for more than three months. grow up

[ChronicThinker]

@LegateLanius She never met the guy though. I don't know about other people but maybe I just don't take internet relationships seriously unless you meet. Plus, if you read, I did say "if you're dating someone you shouldn't do it", my over all point of view though is it's not traumatic nor a big deal. So I'll go ahead and grow up if you grow a pair first.

Deal?

[LegateLanius]

You need to grow up. It is very immature to ghost someone

[XRabbitHeartX]

Ghosting is a SELFISH thing to do because it is the easy way out. The decent and kind thing to do is to be tell the other person you are not feeling it and to answer any questions they may have. Ghosting is a dick move. Even if someone is rude to you after you rejecting them, you take it and can then go and block their number or something but you cannot date someone for months at a time and then just go away with no explanation. It is incredibly cruel and hurtful. Were you not taught to treat people the way you want to be treated? I thought this was basic manners to most.

[myTake Owner]

I've been ghosted before and I have ghosted. It's not a big deal quite honestly

[XRabbitHeartX]

Yeah of course it's no big deal if you have no feelings.

[myTake Owner]

No true. I'm just not overtly emotional like all the people posting on here.

[XRabbitHeartX]

It's called being normal and having a conscious.

Majority of people are not assholes who ghost on people after months of dating. It's called having a heart and care for people you bond with.

But hey, you wouldn't get it.

[myTake Owner]

I don't agree with you. Thanks for sharing!

[lumos]

Immaturity: I'm sorry for the things those guys put you through but I think they would have happened regardless. Considering how clingy and unstable they were, they most likely would have started spamming you anyway. In a situation like that, I think the only real way to avoid it is by blocking them. And despite the response you got from them, I still think the most honest way is to be upfront and tell them you're not interested anymore.

Lack of respect: regardless of how serious/unserious and long/short your relationship with these dudes have been, I still think the respectful thing to do is politely decline instead of ghosting. To you it might be obvious, but for them it might take a couple of weeks before they "get the hint". You may be under the impression that everyone just "gets" it immediately when you stop responding, but that's simply not the case. They might think that you're busy, or that you just need a little bit space, and that they should try again in a few days or a week. You're making them waste their time by leaving things up in the air, because unless you tell them your intentions, they will never be clear. So yes, wasting their time like that is disrespectful, even if you never made any promises. Some people will get it, others won't.

Emotional abuse: but the ghosting was intentional. You intentionally left them in the dark about what you wanted (ghosting = withholding important information = rude and hurtful), to make them figure things out on their own. A breakup is only emotional abuse under some very specific circumstances (for instance if someone keeps breaking up and wanting to get back together as a manipulative tactic, or if they're using the breakup as a threat/way to gain control etc). I'm not sure if I'd go as far as calling it abuse, but I would call it extremely rude and hurtful, and that your intention is definitely just to make things easier for yourself while having no care for the other person's feelings.

A coward's way out: if by "smart" you mean that you want to take 0 responsibility for your actions, then sure. But even by ghosting you're risking to be confronted with verbal abuse. Once the guy has found out that you didn't have the balls to tell him that you're not interested, he might lash out. So if you're doing this just to "protect" yourself, you're not doing that great of a job.

The best thing you can do is simply say you're not interested, and block the person if things turn ugly.

[Anonymous]

everything you said is a justification you are telling yourself for your behavior. Rejection hurts, not everyone reacts the best. They are entitled to being hurt. They shouldn't disrespect you and you should block them if they do. But not letting someone know its over is cruel. Maybe you got over it quickly but that doesn't mean other people who are also not crazy are going to do so as quickly. If they really care about you and you disappear you are not only causing them to lose respect for you, you are disrespecting them and your time together. If you were spending time with someone for a month/more and talking all the time etc. then clearly you think they are decent people. If your feelings change tell them, do not make them feel like they aren't even worth a simple text message. Even if you send it then block them immediately so they can't respond, yes they will wonder what the fuck happened but at least they will know. Disappearing is immature and cowardly. You are entitled to not stay with someone and be true to your feelings just as they are entitled to feeling hurt about it.

How can you possibly justify taking the easy way out for YOU, by saying some guys are crazy or react badly? You see the posts on here of those who have been ghosted and how hurt they are and they just wish the person wouldve been honest. You can't control their reactions and its not fair to try to do so by just avoiding them altogether. If they haven't hurt you, then why would you be so callous to them? You can only control you. Ghosting shows a lack of empathy and respect for other people, ones that you shared intimate time with. The world is shitty enough, stop justifying you making it shittier. Not to mention you say you take a long time to really fall for someone, I am the same way so when i do finally fall for them, to be ghosted is incredibly painful. You finally trusted someone enough to give them your heart and then it turns out they dont care enough to even tell you that they dont feel the same? How fucked is that? Dont waste more of their time on you just bc you're done and over it. I know you will disagree with this as you seem to have disassociated from it.

[Shadowdragon409]

literally every point you made to justify ghosting is completely circumstantial. You shouldn't just straight up cut ties with someone for fear of causing drama. That isn't fair to your partner. Tell your partner why you want to break up with them, and then you can choose to stop communicating with them if you want to. You are doing them a MASSIVE disservice when you just end it without a word. Without telling them what they did wrong, you are setting them up for failure in their next relationship, and causing the next person to date them a lot of grief. Ontop of that, you also create a lot of emotional distress when you just leave. Sure, having someone break up with you sucks, but at least you know it happened, and possibly why. When you just end ties, they don't know to continue looking for someone else or they could also think something happened to you and call 911. From the sound of it, you kind of just have bad taste in romantic partners. Besides, what you personally do has nothing to do with the overall topic of ghosting, and whether it's tolerable or not.

[freakyzeaky]

If you have been dating a guy for several months (3 -6 months), it is only common courtesy to let him know where you stand. While you can just be flighty and move on, he is no doubt going to sit and wonder what went wrong. It isn't as simple as "oh she must not be interested anymore". Most people get into a relationship with the hopes that it will grow over time. A guy may be a bit more invested than you, and what leads to is his hopes being dashed and naturally he is going to be concerned. For you, it was easy to move on, you aren't interested anymore, but for him, he is still interested and that isn't going to shut off like a flick of a switch. No doubt the guy is going to carry the experience with him too.

Most people have to cope with being let down. You might not think that it is your responsibility, but it is decent to respect that the guy took a chance on you and put forth the effort. If he was a complete asshole, I'd understand ghosting, but if it is a good guy you just ended up not being that into, then it comes off as cold and mean-spirited to just drop them like a bad habit, no matter what your intentions are.

Guys who play with girls hearts, girls who ghost guys who adore them... these types of people feed into the onflict between the sexes and builds a collective resentment. It perpetuates this "ME" centered generation that takes no consideration of others.

[Anonymous]

If you keep trying to break up with them and they don't leave you alone, sure ghosting is your only option. But you should at least tell them once, in a completely clear manner, including at least a brief explanation. For example, just 1 text. That is the least you can do to be respectful.
In adition to that, I think everyone has an idea of how much the other person is emotionally involved and dependant on them and how sensitive that person is. Based on these 3 factors, it is only fair to give the other person a corresponding amount of time to accept the break up.
Most of us know what we're getting into when we start a relationship. If you end up needing to ghost someone aggressively, it only proves that you are either a poor judge of character, or you are a bit messed up yourself, for example you are slow to decide even if you know deep down that the person is not suitable for you, or that you tried to use, abuse, or manipulate that person.
I usually gave people as much time as they needed without getting their hopes up. Most people have enough self-worth to drop the relationship as soon as they find out that the other person seriously doesn't really care for or love them.
Unless they are messed up or psychopaths, which is just inconveniant.

[Opinion Owner]

It is also a matter of power. The person that ghosts, knows or feels that he or she is the one that holds more power in the relationship. And that's not fair to do without at least one warning.

[scooogy]

I once seemed like I was ghosting a girl who got used to me admiring her whenever I went to her classes. As soon as she noticed I wasn't there anymore, she decided to surprise me in the canteen. But sadly, since this is how my nightmare of being stalked had begun once, I backed off and didn't talk to her. This is when things turned weird between us, because it took me some time to regain trust in dating, and as soon as she broke up with the boyfriend that she secretly had all the time, she suddenly started her way of showing interest in me by always glancing at me secretly when I was around, because in a way, none of us had ever had the courage of talking to each other. I had sometimes, but that was only weird, because I was kinda afraid she might still consider stalking me if I showed too much interest. And she acted just as weird because she hardly said anything, but kept on glancing. Interesting detail here: She had the courage of talking (to other guys) whenever she was drunk at parties. This is mainly how things ended basically, because I said goodbye forever after she denied having bothered me with her glancing, and having bothered a male friend of mine at a party - talking to him drunk.

[Nivinxus]

Hmmm, an interesting take from a Ghoster's point of view.

While I don't necessarily agree with what you say and how you justify it. It does shed light into the mindset and reasoning of why you did so.

Frankly, I find ghosting to be uh... against what I stand for, not because 'oh its a bad thing', it's more because it lacks decisiveness and hits more of a 'run away from your problems than facing it'. Also, while I'll admit sometimes ghosting can be considered 'smart' (after all cutting communications is efficient admittedly), many people would agree that it doesn't discount the fact that it is 'cowardly'

Still, an illuminating myTake, don't let the comments dissuade you from writing future ones.

[seregunda]

I agree with pretty much everything you said point-wise except the timeframe for which you consider ghosting acceptable.

If you have been on 5+ dates, rather than 3-6 months, with someone I think they deserve an explanation. A little bit of one, a sentence or two. Usually you can identify the total nutters that are safer ghosting by this point if you have any radar at all.

The average normal non-violent guy that you've devoted a reasonably considerable amount of time to and it just didn't click with on your side... it might be kind to explain it to them.

[Dark_Sunflower]

Ghosting can sometimes be unintentional. For example, if you're talking to someone and you don't know how to continue the conversation. Or you've forgotten to reply
I think ghosting is fine before you become mutually exclusive - during the early stages of dating. When you're in a relationship, you have to have the "I'm breaking up with you" conversation.

I think the worst offenders of 'ghosting' are: the ones who will message someone - the recipient replies with a question and then the original sender disappears - popping up again, months later...

In all honesty, what was the point. Those ghosters need to be ghosted.

[Billyscotter]

It hurts a heck of a lot more when someone suddenly disappears, than properly breaking up. It’s easier to get over someone if you talk to them and explain your compatibility issues: if you have a mature talk about your compatibility and goals in life, they’re less likely to take it as personally as if you just disappeared.

You said something about a guy threatening to commit suicide if you broke up with him? Do you think just disappearing without so much as a “goodbye” would help him? If you say “yes”, it sounds like you are severely lacking in wisdom.

Most people would agree that just ghosting on someone is shitty: just look at all the opinions criticizing your stance. But yeah, I agree with the posters who say “break up and communicate, then ghost on the person if they get crazy”.

[Blonde401]

All excuses for really shitty behaviour. Ghosting is wrong. No matter how you twist it, you're still out of order.

[myTake Owner]

I don't think it is.

[Blonde401]

Because you're the one making excuses for yourself. Grow up and take account for your actions.

[myTake Owner]

It's not excuses. They are valid reasons.

[Blonde401]

No they're not. They're excuses. And if you were proud of your behaviour you wouldn't be anon.

[Anonymous]

Ghosting is a sign that you're the problem. You can't communicate with me to deal with problems to work through a relationship. So you end any emotional and relationship walls you build with me by taking a hammer and smashing it.

What was the point of dating for those months only for you to throw it away? You sound pretty selfish and immature to me. You want control by any means necessary, at any cost without regard to other peoples' feelings.

Ghosting when you want to break it off and someone starts acting batty is understandable. All of a sudden ghosting is totally not cool.

[Silver158]

I'm gonna disagree with you here. At least when it comes to short term communication. I have a friend who makes horrible puns and communicates in memes. Whenever he matches with a girl on tinder he'll send her a meme and while that gets the conversation going after he's done it for the 3rd time they stop finding it funny cute and realise that's his sense of humour and ghost him.

[Opinion Owner]

@Silver158 Well yeah, the conversation here is if ghosting is a problem for longer-term relationships. It's a problem if you do it and you've been dating for several months. Obviously not a major issue if you've just been talking to someone.

[yougurt]

So you date a person for 3 to 6 months and suddently you stop replying to them... don't you find that stupid? If you are a coward at least send a text breaking up and then don't reply anymore. But stop talking all of the sudden makes the other person confused, maybe worried and he has no idea what is happening, what's wrong or how you want to leave things. Grow up.

[HamAndCheese]

Admittedly, this feels a little like cognitive dissonance you're engaging in here. Yes, it is immature, you're letting your concern of mean messages get in the way of responsible behavior and kinda disrespecting (though emotional abuse is a strong word here) some guys who've done nothing wrong. No disrespect meant doesn't mean none taken. Do you dislike it when someone ghosts you?

[myTake Owner]

No. They have the right to stop talking to me.

[HamAndCheese]

I didn't ask if they have the right. I asked if you like it or not.

[myTake Owner]

No I don't but eventually I accept it and move on

[HamAndCheese]

Right, well we don't like it either, even if we do eventually accept it and move on. The fact is that you're acting out of fear, and it's understandable. But you should at least tell someone, and then if they become troublesome, you can block them.

[Lovi87]

Yeah, I've had to ghost a fair few guys. I told them that I am in love with someone and that I've happy etc, but they kept trying and coming out with things like, "Are you shaven down there? it turns me on when a girl has a runway mmm." it made me fricken cringe. Just leave me the F alone ffs. If I was interested, I would be flirting and saying "Yeah, baby. I'm shaven ;)" fucking idiots -_-

[LegateLanius]

I disagree. Ghosting is immature, and is the cowards way out. What ever happened to breaking up with someone or telling them it is not working out. Even a simple phone call is more mature than just not talking to them. When someone ghosts, it makes the other person not want to invest their time in another relationship as they think what is the point if they're just going to ghost me.

[myTake Owner]

Because it's unnecessary

[LegateLanius]

Nope. Ghosting is unnecessary.

[LegateLanius]

How would you like if everyone that you thought was your friend decided to ghost you? Not very good right?

[myTake Owner]

People have ghosted on me but I have accepted it.

[LegateLanius]

You keep your dignity and decency by stating that you don't like the situation. Ghosters have lost all of my respect by doing that.

[LegateLanius]

And seriously, after dating for several months you at least should tell them its not working. How would you feel if every time, guy you dated after guy you dated ended up ghosting you, year after year?

[LegateLanius]

To me people that ghost have no consideration for others

[myTake Owner]

I'm not a maniac who goes on a tirade when a guy breaks up with me. I accept it and move on with my family but can't say the same about guys. Why risk getting cussed out? I have better things to do.

[LegateLanius]

Ghosting is a horrible thing to do. I don't care that you get cussed out. Do the right thing and end it like an adult.

[myTake Owner]

No. I'm not gonna put up with their bullshit. Until they learn to accept rejection, they will get ghosted.

[LegateLanius]

Not all men are like that and to assume that they all are by ghosting every guy out there that dates you is just making an ass out of you. So act like an adult and reject someone properly

[LegateLanius]

You can easily take the high road by telling them that you are not interested and then blocking them but you choose to be just as pathetic and immature as them by pulling that shit

[yougurt]

Learn to accept rejection? You have to learn to reject!

[SanHoloz]

@yougurt But that's just it you aren't actually rejecting them. You are disappearing and hope they get the hint. But it takes time to realize someone is completely ignoring you, then you dont know why or if they are just mad or if its for good. Eventually you realize its for good. You leave them in limbo for a duration of time rather than just rejecting them.

[pleasestopthis]

I would only consider ghosting if he cheats on me, because I won't waste my time on a disrespectful dude.

If that's not the case, if you're not interested anymore, you should at least have a little consideration for the person and tell them that you're not into having a relationship (or whatever you had) anymore.

[NJ_Casanova]

I think the complete opposite of you, opposite of all your reasons.

Yes, It IS Immature... Only Cowards ghost.
Yes, It's disrespectful/in considerate as the person was an ADULT they should have the decency to break it off face to face.

People that Ghost DESERVE to be harassed/stalked and have their cars/property vandalized... it's only fair on a maturity level.

[myTake Owner]

If they harass me I'll call the cops on them and if they vandalize my property I'll take them to court

[NJ_Casanova]

LOL... Vanadlizism, You have to have proof it was them to take them to court.

Even harassment can be difficult to prove/stop... especially online.

The whole point is... IS it worth it just because your too chicken to tell them it's over/tell them why. Plenty of ghosted people that have become stalkers ended up getting violent and hurting the person they ghosted.

[NJ_Casanova]

If you aren't mature enough to talk about a relationship and end it properly... then you really aren't mature to truly be in that type of relationship. It's the same with kids that are to dumb to use protection, the dumb girls that get talked into sex without a condom with immature guys saying they will pull out and it'll be fine. The ghettos are filled with those dumb people.

[myTake Owner]

So they're going to vandalize and hurt people for ghosting them? Then it's a good thing I ghosted. wouldn't want to be around such people.

[NJ_Casanova]

It could happen. I've seen guys do that before. Not knowing why eats away at them and can turn the sadness into anger. I've seen guys beat up the new guy... who didn't really deserve it just for that reason. I've also seen it make the ghosted guy post personal pics/videos online for Revenge.

[NJ_Casanova]

My immature cousin (then 30yrs old) Poured black heavy paint all over his ex's car.

[NJ_Casanova]

I think everyone should treat the other person the way THEY would want to be treated.