No She Didn't Put You in the Friendzone, You Put Yourself There

No She Didn't Put You in the Friendzone, You Put Yourself There

You finally worked up the courage to confess your feelings to your crush. Maybe you've known her for a short time, maybe you've known her for years, maybe you've even seen her go through a relationship or two, but regardless of that now today is the finally day. You strut up to her with your head high and chest puffed out then ask her out on your first ever date, and much to your dismay she tells you that she only sees you as a friend.

Or maybe you never got the courage to ask her out at all, you just eventually hear the words "I'm so glad to have you as a friend." Maybe she's a longtime friend you suddenly developed feelings for, or maybe you've been friends with her for a bit while also secretly having feelings for her. Maybe you asked her out a long time ago and she constantly reminds you that you're just friends, or maybe she might even be an ex-lover who you still have some lingering feelings for. You stick around with her in hopes that one day she'll come around and realize her feelings for you (spoiler: she most likely won't).

What do all these scenarios have in common? The guy in the story is in the friend-zone.

What is the friend-zone?

The most commonly accepted definition of the friend-zone refers to an interpersonal relationship between two people where one person wants a romantic or sexual relationship with the other person, while the other person only wants a strictly platonic relationship. It is most commonly reported for a heterosexual guy to be the one in the friend-zone with a girl although it is completely possible for the girl to be the one in the friend-zone. It's also possible for a friend-zone situation to exist between two members of the same sex. Point of the matter is the friend-zone is generally not a desirable situation to be in.

Why do girls say "Let's just be friends, etc."?

F-R-I-E-N-D-S that's how you spell
F-R-I-E-N-D-S that's how you spell "friends"

The most common reasons why a girl says this are:

She genuinely does see you as a friend and is being honest about it, while also being clear that she has no interest in a romantic or sexual relationship with you, this scenario tends to be more common if you've known the girl for quite some time or have actually befriended her.

She's just saying it to be nice and let you down easy. She probably doesn't really have any intention of being your friend but she either doesn't want to hurt your feelings or she's afraid that you'll react harshly so she's trying to soften the blow as much as she can. She might or might not try to be your friend anyway.

She's trying to friend-zone you on purpose. Maybe she wants to keep you around for attention, maybe she feels validated knowing that she has potential "suitors" vying for her, maybe she wants to keep you as a "just in case" option. These girls can be dangerous and are often competent in the art of "breadcrumbing", that is putting in just enough effort to leave a metaphorical "trail" for you to follow while at the same time keeping themselves just outside of your reach.

So How Do I Put Myself There?

No She Didn't Put You in the Friendzone, You Put Yourself There

The most she can do is give you the offer of friendship or even in the friendzone, but at the end of the day nobody can force you to accept it. Despite what the above picture says, there is nobody pointing a gun to your head that's forcing you to put yourself in or remain in the friendzone, at the end of the day it's a situation you put yourself in entirely of your own free will.

So how do I get out?

The most obvious way to get out of the friendzone is to avoid putting yourself there in the first place. There are a few ways to do this:

Make your intentions clear as soon as possible instead of beating around the bush or dilly-dallying around and building up to a "big reveal" moment. This means that if you meet a girl that you think is cute, instead of trying to take the "be friends first" approach ask her out on a date as soon as possible, and do not hide the fact that you are attracted to her. No, there is no guarantee that she will be interested in anything more than friendship, but with this approach you will at least find out how she feels about you sooner than later. The sooner she rejects you the sooner you can move onto the next girl.

Accept her offer of friendship and only that and write her off completely as a romantic option. There's nothing that says you can't actually be friends with her, and if you can put your feelings to the side it can actually be beneficial. Whether or not she does end up liking you in the future is irrelevant: you are not counting on the possibility of that ever happening, the ball is chiefly in her court. As long as you

If you honestly don't think you can handle being her friend then cut her out of your life immediately or distance herself as much as you possibly can. Yes it will most likely suck and you'll probably miss her, but there really are plenty of fish in the sea and sooner or later you'll get over it.


6|4
1541

Most Helpful Girls

  • 6d

    Okay, this is the kind of stuff that I say that many you men are lying about. How dare you try to translate what a woman says when you don't even really know what she's really saying if you never asked her? This is the kind of stuff that gets me really live it and and made me not want to even date and never even been with anybody before. Plenty of women knows that your lover must also be your best friend. And if she is not ready to take that step with you she's going to tell you to still remain as friends first. That does not mean that you have to do exactly what she says. But that she wants you to respect her decision. Maybe she's just not for you and you're too infatuated with her to the point you not even listen to what she's saying because you want to put on pedestal is that accepting her for who she truly is. Plenty of times I had said no because I do not want to be involved with a person who does not share my values, my faith, my beliefs, morals, my principles Etc about love, sex, marriage, kids Etc. Friends that were interested in me knew that I had values and morals that did not match with theirs. But at the same time would they didn't think about was that I also desired a relationship that will lead to marriage and will be done in a way that is Godly since I am a Christian woman. They begin to understand this after a while when I explained that to them. It doesn't mean I wasn't attracted to them. But it doesn't mean that we make ourselves to be compatible Partners either. A perfect example would be I would want to wait for marriage to have sex but my friends do not believe in that. How can I be involved with a person who is going to God forbid make me compromise my values as well as I can also make them compromise theirs? That's not right and I refuse to do that to a person I say I care about and love. People who say the kind of things you're saying or just after one thing and not as sex you can't get it then you seek other people who's willing to do that but you call yourselves friends. Don't be friends with a person you don't have no true love and care for? You don't owe them friendship the same way they do not owe you a relationship. But I refuse to get myself emotionally attached to men who do not share what I desire. And besides, who's to say that you both would not make a good couple but she is not ready and mature yet to be that kind of person for you? Don't say it's her loss if you're not prepared to lose somebody who Maybe before you too. It's very sad that a lot of you people do not think this on a mature level and many of you are very immature. Trying to be friends with somebody just because you want to date them is a jerkass move to do.

    0|0
    0|1
  • I'll admit to "friendzoning" a guy in kind of a cruel way. I genuinely saw him as a friend, but I know guys hate to hear that. But I enjoyed being around him so much I didn't want to lose a friend because he couldn't get out of his feelings so I did string him along.

    But, I also did it in hopes that I'd catch feelings. I ended up in a weird spot, I like him more than a friend but not enough that I'd want anything romantic/sexual. We were platonic but I did everything you'd do with a boyfriend with him but kissing/sex/etc.

    So, yeah we aren't friends anymore. He had kind of turned everyone against me, even though he definitely wasn't a perfect friend either.

    0|1
    0|1
    • You have yourself to blame with that..

    • Show All
    • You two seems have total different definitions good and bad interpretations. that's for sure. maybe he had higher mora healthy standards and you had standards on shallow standards.
      Or something in the opposite direction.

      To many yung female's has this and get upset when it threatens their ego and shallow stuff.

    • Have you looked at what you have written here as a third person like it was a man that did write it and it was a girl?

      (Hope you realize every time you come with something more about this it looks even worse for you)

Most Helpful Guys

  • If a girl finds you attractive but you work at fucking 7/11 she might decide to put you in the "so called friendzone." In reality, she doesn't want to date you for the same reason why some women don't date short guys because they dont' want too... doesn't mean they aren't attracted to you.. they just have this vision for who they want to be with. Someone who is maybe above 6'0 or somebody with a better job then a cashier at 7/11. Some call it hypergamy but in reality it's just biological to want the best male to procreate with.

    For most guys The Friendzone is a psychological place in which you put yourself when you behave like a friend with the person you like, because you don't have the courage to behave otherwise. If you behave like a friend then you become one.

    8|6
    1|0
    • Not necessarily.

      Some people are after friend based relationships and behaves like that. They do congruent test and the other one that did put them in the friendzone didn't pass the test, therefore wasn't partner material.

    • Show All
    • I’m not going to be “less attractive” to women just because I’m 5’8 lol
      I’d rather die

    • @TheSpartan I am 5'6 and have never had any issues but some women prefer tall men.

  • Sensible Rules For "The Friendzone":

    One question: Is there anything about the lady that would appeal to you in a non-sexual way? (For example, "Is she someone with whom I would go into business?" is a good question to ask yourself.)

    If the answer is YES, then accept if for what it is, and remain there.

    If the answer is NO, then politely say your goodbyes, and leave.

    1|1
    0|0

Recommended myTakes

Loading...

Join the discussion

What Girls & Guys Said

1339
  • I think one problem is that some guys wait too late to make the move on the woman they like, so she's left seeing him as a guy who's just a friend. With the woman I'm with now, I went in for the kill about a month after we got to know each other. I sent small flirty messages early on, and then big ones later. And now we're in a relationship.

    0|2
    0|0
  • Uh, no, SHE puts you there. She likes you well enough to have around, just no vag-tingles. And they're never gonna get them for you either. EVAH.

    A guy content in the friendzone is called a beta-orbiter. He hangs around validating her and kissing her ass just hoping one day she'll change her mind, breakdown, and give him some sex. Just never gonna happen. EVAH LOL

    1|6
    2|3
    • Absolutely correct.

      The thing to remember is, she might put him there, but it's his choice to *STAY* there.

      And MEN don't stay there.

  • Riiight.. so what? upon introductions you should introduce youself like.

    "Hi, I have no intentions to be your friend but instead want to date you."

    Also, your tips to get out of the friendzone are ridiculous. First tip is to not get in the friendzone, second is another way to not get into the friendzone, third is to give up and the last one is to leave her.

    0|1
    0|0
    • Not quite that. You don't have to say "I have no intention of being your friend", and I would advise against that unless she directly says she's only interested in friendship with you; even then I'd say more politely "I'm not interested in friendship". The key is to frame it as a dating situation with your actions as early as possible, so when you meet her ask her out ASAP and set a date, if it's not clear enough to her and she asks if it's a date say "yes it is a date".

  • Umm... My boyfriend and I been friends for over 4 years before we became a couple... By your logic this should have never had happened?
    And I would reject any guy who'd tried more without really knowing me yet by the way.

    2|3
    0|2
  • If she says "let's just be friends," I put that to the test. Turns out, most of them fail to actually be good at friendship. When I ignore them later, they can't argue that they don't deserve it.

    What's worse are girls who can't give a straight answer to your face on what they want, let you settle for being friends, play along, then send someone else after you months later to let you down on their behalf while they slither away like cowards.

    I can't stand someone that fake.

    0|2
    0|0
  • I agree with every point except the accepting her friendship part. If you were initially interested accepting her "friendship" is never a good or beneficial idea. It is the perfect opportunity to get bitter, waste precious time, and acquire even more stupid traits that will get you lots and lots of "friendships".

    Always cut it off and use your time on more productive endeavors.

    0|3
    0|0
  • A woman puts a man in the Friend Zone.

    But it's his choice to stay there.

    If she Friendzones you, the only thing to do is cut all contact.

    1|5
    0|0
  • Great my take!
    except I disagree with "If you honestly don't think you can handle being her friend..." DO NOT CUT YOURSELF FROM HER LIFE OR "GHOST HER"
    NO NO NO NO NO NO!

    Tell her how you feel, see how she reacts.. if she's okay with being more than friends then great! if not, then take it slowly feelings develop over time ;)

    1|0
    0|2
  • While partially this is true. Some women do keep a "backup boyfriend" that they keep in the friendzone and trade up to a better backup when time comes.

    0|1
    0|0
    • I did mention that, and again the "backup boyfriend" is the one who's ultimately putting himself in that situation because he's allowing himself to be played.

  • 7d

    It is true.. I have been in the situation where she said "let's just be friends" my response is always "sorry not interested in friends" and I break all contact and forget about her. 9 times put of 10 with in weeks she's coming back to me begging me to take her out again because she made a mistake.. my only response in those situations is "sorry you had your chance, and I dont give second chances."

    0|1
    0|0
  • if she's not attracted to you, how is that your fault? xD i'm not attracted to some girls and those certainly couldn't help that. i call bullshit. of course you can just leave the friendship but that doesn't prevent you from being put there in the first place.

    0|1
    0|0
  • Good points, I had this problem. I had a really big crush on my friend but she rejected me. Then it was awkward for a while. After a while I told her that I couldn't be friends cause it hurt too much. She was sad about it but said okay. But then it struck me what she really meant to me. We reconciled and now are best friends!
    Sometimes you do get special friendships from the friendzone.

    0|0
    0|0
  • 6d

    I feel more times than not you put yourself there. I had to cut ties with a girl yesterday because even though I made my intentions clear, I realized she's just talking to me because she likes the attention and thinks I'm just gonna be an orbiter. Why do girls do this? It's toxic to you and to the guy.

    0|0
    0|0
  • Most guys like me just get confused on when we should say something. There's a girl I fancy at work but would me just randomly going up to her and asking for a date really work? Or would that just come off as creepy? I think you all can guess which one

    0|0
    0|0
  • I've always seen the friend zone as being a consequence of people never giving a straight answer ("I'm focusing on my career right now" or "maybe some other time") leaving "hope" open by never outright saying no so you don't move on but never saying yes so you don't move forward.

    0|0
    0|0
  • Agree and disagree.
    When I friendzoned my best friend it was my intention from the whole start.
    Her behavior during and afterwards made sure wouldn't be even friends.

    0|0
    0|0
  • 7d

    “Friend Zone” relegates you to “Emotional Tampon” duty. By all means, avoid it at your peril.

    0|1
    0|0
  • Yes she did
    Since the moment she saw ur face and height
    tall handsome - potential boyfriend , fuckboi
    short ugly - friendzone

    0|1
    0|1
  • There's some truth here, but the notion that guys *always* put themselves in the friendzone is bullshit, sorry. As though everything in romance is a one-way street.

    Nope.

    0|1
    0|0
  • To get out of the friendzone, the answer is simple.

    Leave.

    0|2
    0|0
  • 7d

    If people unironically use the term friendzone, they're probably basic and relying on luck to find them a date anyway 🤷‍♂️ dont @ me

    0|0
    0|0
  • Simply don’t be friends with her if she friendzones you lol

    0|4
    0|0
  • A guy liked me and I didn't like him back, I ended the friendship. He moved on and found a girlfriend. I did the right thing.

    0|1
    0|0
  • I have never EVER allowed a female to put me in the friend zone.
    Even years ago when I still was the shy, inexperienced virgin boy who wanted to get laid desperately. When my soon-to-become first girlfriend was telling me the same BULLSHIT "let's be friends first blah blah blah" I told her straight forward that I have friends. If she doesn't want to fuck with me then she won't be seeing me at all. Especially today after all these years. I have much better things to do than all this teenage bullshit of so called "friendship" between men and women.
    Few months ago when I got the same bullshit from another dumb girl and told her that I deserve much more than her "friendship" (what a girl actually means by that is that she wants you as her gay therapist) she bowed her head in shame and simply said "Yes you're right."
    I dumped her and her phone number as well. The pussy slave will continue to pursue her like a rainbow that cannot be reached.

    0|2
    0|0
  • Nope. She puts you there. You decide if you want to stay or blow her off.

    0|1
    1|0
  • I dont agree at some points. I dont show my romantic feelings at the beggining of meeting a girl because i can't fall in love with someone just because of the looks. I need time, to know her as a person and see if i could connect with her. I can't see a girl and think she is cute, has nice face or curves etc. If i dont know a girl deeply i can never fall in love with her period. So there is nothing to motivate me in the begginig. If you fall in the friendzone its because she doesn find you attractive, end of the story. Men dont get angry because your friend/crush doesn't like you, but when it that relationships she was flirting with you intentionally. Its like building someones hopes and dreams just to crush it because she was bored or needed attention. But at the end of the day we are all just humans, we can't be perfect.

    1|0
    0|0
  • 7d

    From my experience and my friends experience we usually know 100% whether we date a guy who a friend or not. If it not it will never happen, a lot of girls are not confused about their feelings they won't say it but they will feel you never chance with them. Mostly because she doesn't you attractive (talking about guys who are not good looking at all). It so annoying honestly like just because we friends doesn't mean you try to use our friendship to weasel in a relationship with me. It makes me not like you or you constantly sexual towards me and you don't get the hint to stop. Like geez yes if a hot guy did it towards me but I was actually interested in him I wouldn't call it creepy. But I think women are allowed to judge your behaviour if you keep throwing yourself on them and won't stop soooo.

    0|0
    0|0
    • 7d

      doesn't find you attractive* Like I think it an ego thing a guy refusing to acknowledge someone doesn't like them and they can't handle that. Then a lot of guys can't handle getting call creepy if a woman feels that way about you maybe think about what actions you have done to make feel that way. Many of these creeps don't see their actions creepy. Like I had a old guy who come near my house and send me texts of when he seen my cats outside it was creepy as fuck and it was more creepy he show up one morning trying to talk to me near my house.

    • 7d

      make them feel that way*

  • Some women put themselves in the friendzone by being an icy-bitch when guys approach her.

    0|0
    0|0
  • I think this guy is a retard lol

    0|4
    1|4
  • Nice take

    1|0
    0|1
  • Good take

    0|2
    0|1
  • The friendzone isn't real.

    1|1
    0|9
  • Yes & guys don't do the same to girls.

    0|0
    0|0
    • Well obviously, usually guys only have two extremes.
      Either you're a really good friend to us or we totally want to date you. So we don't feel the need to friendzone anyone

  • Great mytake

    0|0
    0|0
  • Always propose urself.

    0|0
    0|0
  • Interesting read, thanks for sharing!!

    0|0
    0|0
  • 6d

    you hear this guys

    GIRLS DO NOT FRIENDZONE, YOU DO

    she will try and tell you, she does, but, its ALWAYS YOU

    0|0
    0|1
  • 7d

    Okay

    0|1
    0|0
  • I've had this happen she wanted to "keep the friendship" to which I stupidly agreed. Haven't heard a word since. Weirdly she's kept me on social medias, is it worth removing her? Or is that showing an emotional response?

    0|0
    0|0
  • I agree. Men put themselves in friendzone. How? They give up right away, act like temperamental little girls "fine, if she doesn't want me, then screw her", overanalyze every word and action, and finally have no game lol!!
    They just don't know how to get her to be interested in them. They don't know how to flirt, take charge, let go of little things, and just enjoy it!
    The guy I'm with now knew I was interested in someone else when we met. He didn't care because he knew that the other guy was waiting for me to make a move. Good luck, bro!
    So he did what real men do and we are together now. Guess where the other guy is? In a friendzone lol!!

    0|0
    0|1
  • Sow what do you do when you try to cut her out and she won’t let you

    0|0
    0|0
  • This guy I recently talked to kept pushing me to date him. I just got out of an abusive relationship and wanted to heal myself. So I friend zoned him with the intention of not talking to him so he will get it and stop bothering me to date him. I only friend zone guys when I want my space and they don't respect it. It tells me a lot about them which makes me uninterested in dating them.

    0|0
    0|0
    • Makes sense. Do you still talk to this guy or have you cut all contact from him?

    • Show All
    • 6d

      I'm not Asian but I get what you're saying.

      That doesn't sound like someone that is very private. Unless that isn't really their real facebook and the picture they used wasn't a real photo of themselves... In that case maybe they really are private but with some scary ulterior motives. Like a trafficker and maybe he is and his "client" was looking for an Asian of your ethnic background. Overall I think you dodged a bullet even if we are being a bit over dramatic.

    • 5d

      Thank you! Yeah. His profile looks legit but it's better to be safe than sorry.

  • God you couldn't be more wrong on this. I used to know a girl who would deliberately friend zone me not once but twice, but after talking to her one night in a serious conversation I learned what kind of whackjob she was and what kind of whackjob I was dealing with. The screwed up part she was the same or maybe a little to somewhat below me in terms of looks.
    Then there was a high school friend who I talk to on Facebook who I have zero physical attraction for and consider her just a friend. The same with another woman I know in NY no physical attraction just as a friend.
    And I've known plenty of women who were drop dead gorgeous but who went after the fattest ugliest looking of guys while others went after guys who been incarcerated before and who were ugly as fuck.
    Women don't know what the fuck they want in a guy they never did. I've seen some of the most beautiful looking women chase after complete weirdos as well.
    So your theory really holds no water. Unless you know what's going on inside a woman's head then it's pointless to figure out why they act the way they do by friendzoning the guy. Which I have gotten a chance to talk to them and the more I did the more repulsed I became and avoided several nightmares. Just a side note by the way google can be your best friend on looking up some of these whackjobs

    0|2
    0|1
    • If a bitch friendzones you, you tell the cunt to go fuck herself give her the finger even spit on her if she's acting like a massive cunt then walk away

    • You don't put up with that shit ever

  • That's because men typically do all the heavy lifting in dating

    0|1
    0|0
  • Every time I read an article about the relationships, I find it more complicated and confused. It's like becoming someone else other than yourself to make the relationship work. It's much easier, but people tend to puzzles to make things more exciting. I'd rather be myself than be someone else to be accepted... If you don't like it, that's your problem 🤷‍♂️

    0|0
    1|0
  • Being inexperienced and cllumsy,
    Pickingthe girl with different intentions than you.

    0|0
    0|0
  • Or she just play along because she knows he has a crush on her to feed her ego then friendzone him later. I know what the girl who has her ego fed feels like because someone had a crush on me and I like it. I just friendzoned her later on.

    0|0
    0|0
  • Okay

    0|0
    0|0
  • I'm short, so it is default for me to be put in the friendzone if not outright rejected.

    0|0
    0|0
  • Most women don’t come out and say “I just want to be friends” nowadays. They play games because they like the attention and benefits.

    Us guys have no option but to develop radar for this bullshit. Once we sense it we got to walk and do it far.

    Now walking from a girl we like it easier said then done. Especially if we have gotten to know her. We will mistake her hello and smile as positive romantic potential. It’s not thought.

    The ugly truth is 90 percent of the time the girl has little respect for the friendzoned guy. It only gets worse the more he is available.

    0|3
    0|0
Show More
2

Recommended Questions

Loading...