When to Go Exclusive

[Avicenna]

I've been thinking about doing a Take on this topic for quite some time. I've seen some people do everything right - approaching confidently, communicating well, planning and going on great dates only to trip and fall before reaching the finish line, which in this case is clinching an exclusive relationship.

Now of course, every situation is different so you'll need to use your judgement and make adjustments, but what I'll discuss here should give you some food for thought.

1. Bring up the TOPIC when YOU are ready

Many of us overanalyze and don't want to make big moves until we are sure someone is interested to the point they're ready to go steady. Sometimes it will be blatantly obvious, but most of the time there will be some element of uncertainty or we're simply oblivious. That can't be allowed to be the tail wagging the dog- fortune favors the bold when it comes to getting a partner.

2. Do not wait too long to ask about exclusivity

The other person is going to be wondering what you really want. Do you just want to casually date them if you keep going on dates but nothing concrete materializes? Or do you want something serious? what happens if someone more decisive comes along and asks them to go exclusive and they aren't sure where they stand with you? Sure, they should say something, but you can always count on that. My personal rule of thumb is after 2-3 dates I am ready to broach the subject.

3. Don't forget that you are probably not the only person with whom they're going on dates

This is especially applicable to online dating, but also to someone you've met IRL. They are in the market and until they go exclusive with one person, you can't assume you're the only person they are dating. It's generally not wise to put your eggs in one basket until you're absolutely sure, and then you want to make sure that person doesn't get away by asking them to go exclusive as soon as you're sure you want to.

4. You cannot expect exclusivity without specifically discussing it

I recently heard that one young lady was shocked to hear on the fifth date that the guy had been out with another woman the night before and she ended things right then and there although he had looked promising. I think that was an overreaction- she should have asked for exclusivity if she was that enamored of him. Note that you don't necessarily have to make it an official relationship that you broadcast on social media at this particular juncture- you can simply suggest that you both forego dating other people because you are serious about each other and want to focus on each other.

5. Don't be reticent about communicating exactly what it is you want or expect in a relationship

The other person may come from a different background and/or have different expectations or a different understanding of your dating. Don't leave things to chance- clearly communicate your desires.

6. You don't necessarily have to get the timing exactly right

Don't hesitate because you think you need to ask at exactly the right time- there may be none.The other person may be as uncertain about your intentions as you are about theirs and you and may be waiting for you to take the lead. Someone has to do it- let it be you! Most of all, don't fear failure- this person likes you or they wouldn't be on a third or fourth date with you.

I hope this helps some of you a bit.

[SteveSmith1985]

I agree with you overall. The exclusivity conversation is so key. So many people get hurt by screwing around with this. I actually push friends of mine to have this conversation as soon as possible. As soon as it makes sense. Basically as soon as "if they went out with someone else, you'd be hurt" to me that's when to have that conversation.

The biggest problem people have with this. Is that their chicken. People are so scared to take that risk and ask... and worry... and wonder.. about timing... but really to me, it's a "sooner the better" conversation.

I generally like to put my cards on the table, because the other person usually does te same.

So even if it were early on and you're pretty sure she's seeing other people too. I would just straight-up throw it out there if I thought we had really hit it off that: I really liked her, I would like to be exclusive.

If you startle people with just open honesty, they usually are quite honest back. Just make sure your ready for that.

Personally I'm reckless as hell with how soon I'll have that talk. I just put my cards on the table. Because yea it's a risk, but not as much of a risk as NOT having that exclusivity talk. As sure as I'm sure I have feelings strong enough to want to be exclusive, you gotta protect yourself. Can't get mad at someone for failing to meet an expectation they never agreed to (or even knew was an expectation).

An exclusivity talk is like an agreement on expectations. You each agree to be accountable to the other for your actions and know what's expected of you and what you're entitled to expect from the other person in terms of loyalty, time and whatnot.

Exclusivity talks should be EXPLICIT not sexually, but detailed. There should be nothing unclear, nothing unsaid... with words... OUT LOUD. You both need to know what you're agreeing to exactly.

. In my opinion, once you know that's what you want... better get to talking about it. Having some balls and taking the risk a little early, isn't going to go nearly as bad as waiting longer than you should, have and having to hear about (what you think of as your girl) is going out with some guy this weekend...

No thanks, if she's "mine" in my mind/heart... I need let her know, and make sure that she's ok with that... otherwise... you're going to get hurt... or at least worry and stress. Don't do that to yourself. just taking a little risk, will save a lot of bullshit. A LOT.
Great MyTake

[Avicenna]

Fantastic response, and I agree 100%. Be the one in control by asking for exclusivity rather than worrying about who else they may be dating or talking to- it's irrelevant when you seize control of the situation.

[SteveSmith1985]

Thanks! I just wish I could edit that atrocious spelling.

[Avicenna]

Happens to me too when I post using my phone!

[talloak]

A good take. You bring balance to the two extremes of overthinking when is exactly the right time to bring the question up (which tends to miss the right time), and not thinking about it at all (which definitely misses the right time). I'm a big believer in honesty, which in this case is letting the other know where you stand in their regard. The question is not as sensitive as the proper time to say "I love you", but it is similar. The exclusive question is less loaded and more negotiable. It's also good practice for the timing of "I love you".

[talloak]

Thank you!

[Pessiyama10]

I totally agree with this given the current dating culture, where people date multiple people at a time. This is quite informative and a form of advice for someone like me. I am capable of dating only person at a time, so I guess I should bring up the exclusivity thing early on. Very informative

[Avicenna]

Thank you. I'm glad you found it useful.

[ariadneR]

I like this. Very good points. I definitely think that you both have to talk about it, see if you're on the same page.

[OlderAndWiser]

The main takeaway from this is that, if you want an exclusive relationship, be assertive in trying to establish that status as soon as you feel ready for it. Your show of assertiveness may be the final factor that makes her say yes to dating exclusively.

I wholeheartedly agree.

[ManOnFire]

I think this is a great Take, man. You even mentioned a few things that I honestly don't really think about but now I will. I do have to say I never liked the idea that she may be dating other people while I might be interested in her too. I'm not sure what I think about that. But I do know you made some good points in this.

[Knighted2170]

I can relate to this. It's a topic I mention repeatedly on my show. The way I approach this is rather simple.
Sometime within the first few dates ask what the other person is looking for in a relationship. Know what their goal is.
If they are looking for short term "let's just have fun" type of relationship then going exclusive really isn't in the cards. It also won't work if you want something short, but they are hoping for something more long term or committed.

Another thing to keep in mind is knowing what each of you is looking for. Not only in terms of the type of relationship but also the character traits the other person has. When these align then becoming exclusive makes sense to both of you, and it doesn't "just happen" or "become expected". Worst yet they assume that both of you are already exclusive.

Really, all of this should be figured out in the first few months. Don't be scared to lay out what you are looking for and what your goals are. Filter the people you meet. Do they want the same thing? Are they someone you want to know better, or just a fun person you enjoy spending time with?
In my experience, it saves a lot of time and heartache for both of us. It makes the decision process to go exclusive, and when to bring it up, a whole lot easier.

[Lavinnykins]

I 100% whole-heartedly agree with this. Although you've said about the main timings and signs, you've also made it clear that sometimes it doesn't work out that way - by the book so to speak - and that is 100% okay too. When my boyfriend and I became exclusive, there was no rel conversation about it... We went climbing for our first date and ice skating for our second; I had told him I was talking to a number of guys and had a lot of dates lined up for that coming week. As we were skating on our second date, he was telling me about his friends and every single one came up as a 'x & y' or 'this person & that person'. Eventually I just said to him 'Everyone you've mentioned is in a relationship; is there something you want to say?' and he just blurted out 'WILLYOUBEMYGIRLFRIEND?' and here we are nearly a year later. Sometimes the happy ending just comes unexpectedly but you know when it's time.

[Avicenna]

That actually worked out well, and you're absolutely right that it usually doesn't go according to script.

[sagevalentineee]

Obviously I think people can do what they want. I have best friend who's probably slept with half the city, he's not interested in exclusivity.

For me, I'm not interested in casual dating. What? Spend time and energy and effort on a person who you're not sure that you like? No way! When a man asks me on a date, if I say yes, I will say no to everyone else. If I go on a date with Alex on Thursday and Charles on Saturday... there's just something wrong with that! If I were to do this, I would feel I owe it to Alex to let him know what's happening. And he'd feel that I am completely untrustworthy and not interested in him. And that's not who I am.

[meesegoMoo]

Glad some still think this way. I think it also sets the tone later on. Two timing men get married and their wives still seem surprised they've be cheating the whole time.

[midnightmoon05]

Well written MyTake.
I like the idea that you want to find out if they are dating around and let them know the importance of just focusing on the current devleopement between the two.
So many play the field and one can get hurt easily from not knowing early on.

All my serious relationships, the guy wanted me right away and told me how disappointed they were with other girls they dated.
However, I have had one that threw me off the wall when I found out that was not the case even after we have been dating over 6 months.
Live and learn I guess.

[suzysuzy]

Good points. I feel most guy ask for this too soon though at least in my experience. I've had 3 guys who expected exclusivity after 2 or 3 dates. Now I don't typically date more than one person at a time anyways but the discussion of exclusivity to me is something you wait with until you really know each other because otherwise you can't truly know you'd be compatible at all. Things can be great even 3 dates in and then suddenly after a month you realize you're actually very incompatible. Deciding to be exclusive to me is the same as agreeing to enter a relationship and entering a relationship after 3 dates when you hardly know each other if anything is not very serious to me but on the other hand comes off more as desperate.

[soleil2666]

Do you not consider the relationship finished once the person you are dating 'cheats'?
It doesn't feel like the grapes have been soured?

[suzysuzy]

@soleil2666 I don't know what that has to do with anything I wrote as i'm talking about the time when you've just started dating and aren't exclusive? But yeah of course I feel that way. Cheating is not something that can be forgiven and forgotten in my opinion. But if you're not exclusive then there is no such thing as cheating. Sure I wouldn't feel great about it if I knew someone I was dating and interested in was also actively seeing others but i'd probably not do much about it until I feel I know him well enough to wanna commit to a relationship and up until that point you're both single.

[soleil2666]

If you take the emotional to matter - just the fact you are TRYING with someone else is INFIDELITY to the first person you dated.
I know in the States it seems accepted, sort of like job hunting - but you end up high on the experience, not necessarily one person. I don't know - it might work if all sides accept it that way (so, basically, speed-dating) - I keep finding that unless intentionality is there you get seen as unreliable no matter how reliable you intend to be (or are underneath)
That level of liberalism could be implied to mean you'd end the relationship just as easily - and if it had led to children, you'd be stripping them off of having a complete/fully functional family.

In return, as far as psychology goes - both the father's and the mother's presence and role model (in a good loving team-work type setting) are required to raise fully functional/mentally healthy (and resilient) adults.

[TheFlak38]

Going exclusive is something only a woman decides today. Women have all the power in relationships. Themoment a man brings up the topic she perceives it as weakness and doubles down with the shittests. From then on it all goes downhill. Until she has banged a billion dicks and reached the big ThreeZero there is no such thing as going exclusive.

[Avicenna]

I disagree with this

[womanoflife]

Honestly I think anywhere from 1-3 months after going on multiple dates is an okay point to become exclusive. You don’t really know someone after 3 dates and rushing into it is how we end up in toxic relationships especially with narcissists (they love and cling to people wanting to make it official immediately. Beware.) but if you’re looking for a healthy relationship taking your time will help you immensely in the long run. Also grows your connection too.

[Avicenna]

While the idea of taking your time like that sounds appealing, I think in practice unless that person for some reason doesn't have any good options other than you that they'll end up with someone else who's been more decisive, especially if we're talking about 2-3 months after your initial dates.

[sjoes006]

Yeah, I don't know it’s definitely crucial to have the conversation, it doesn’t have to be a drawn out conversation. A brief confirmation is usually enough unless you aren’t on the same page.

We’ve usually been exclusive for at least a few weeks or so before the convo even comes up. We are obviously clicking and there is no need to be seeing other people because we like what we have going on.

I guess with online dating this may not always be the case. Some people aren’t looking for a relationship, just got out of a relationship and are simply looking for a plus one.

I can only think of one incident where this was the case and we were really clicking. In that instance it was better that we just parted ways. There was nothing that would have changed the situation. It was either an issue of timing, chemistry not being strong enough to change it or both.

No harm, no foul but definitely glad the conversation came up.

[Screenwriter]

Great my take! Ask for what you want up front. Jesus said it first! Ask and you shall receive, knock and the door shall be opened! Doesn't mean the door with that specific person won't get closed... but another door will be opened with someone you move on to. By the second or third date if you continue to see someone, that needs to be put out there right away.

[lenlenxyz]

Great mytake! And one of THE best advice I've ever read in the interweb! This guy has been basically interested in me ever since we've met and he's basically have made it known and kept pursuing me. But I just act like nothing's really happening until I see a consistent pattern. Also, I don't read minds and I don't have the time to do that mumbo jumbo that girls do when they overanalyze the situation with the guy they have a crush on. So basically, if the guy likes me he's gna have to man up and take the lead and I'll follow suit. Also trying to see if he can get to my level or not. And now, he's basically making it more and more aware that he wants me to be his girlfriend. I just want him to admit first, and then I'll be satisfied. hehe I'm just the kind of person. haha

[lenlenxyz]

Also adding on to my reply, I do like how this guy is approaching me just because he is making it known to me that he wants to have a girlfriend especially since when I'm around or in the room and he's basically staring at me when he says it. Also basically saying that he wants to be exclusive and he's just not in it for the sex. I only know that he doesn't want me for the sex because we haven't hooked up yet.

[DiegoO]

Yeah, well, that's a complicated topic. I am sure what you wrote is spot on in the country or the place you live, however, every country is a different world. In other countries is different. For example, in my country, if you are already dating someone that usually means you are already exclusive. We don't go dating different persons, we date 1 at a time.

[DiegoO]

With the online relation, I had, there was a necessity to clarify things. We were far, far apart and personally as someone who had non-serious online relations before I knew my LD ex, I had to know in what I was stepping in.

We both agree it was gonna be serious.

[alice55]

In my country when you begin flirting you're supposed to be exclusive cause if not it mean you aren't serious and the others person lose interest in you (think you're a fuckboy or slut).
We don't have talk of exclusivity here. Never.

[Cynicaldreamer]

I do not know where you are from, but I wish more people followed that concept. It would make dating SO much easier

[alice55]

@Cynicaldreamer I'm from France and yes that make it easier though not everybody follow it

[Screenwriter]

In US, loads of people keep three of four irons in the fire at once instead of seeing how one person at a time works out. The "just in case one drops off, I've got two others," scenario...

[Cynicaldreamer]

@Screenwriter I know and I hate it 😑

I think I need to move to France, lol

[Screenwriter]

@Cynicaldreamer Nah. The whole ask people up front about exclusivity talk seems right to get over with if you've gotten past the second or third date with success.

[soleil2666]

Yep, that's how I know it too.
Most certainly exclusive right after a kiss - there is no conversation to be had.
Preferably, clear of all other interests before you even start dating.

[soleil2666]

@Screenwriter Which is then 'sleeping with 3-4 people at the same time' - until you specifically want to entertain the idea of exclusivity?
I gather that is how it is done in Russia as well (but it's second hand information)

[Screenwriter]

@soleil2666 "@Screenwriter Which is then 'sleeping with 3-4 people at the same time' - until you specifically want to entertain the idea of exclusivity?" Not sure I got your meaning from the above statement. If I'm dating several people, meaning I'm in early stages of dating... dates one to three, it's unlikely I'm sleeping with any one of them. And if I'm sleeping with four folks at the same time, it would seem I'm an unlikely candidate for any kind of exclusivity. But if I WAS that kind of person, I also expect I would never be honest and admit it... What it seems to me is taking one's time and getting to know someone is the only safe (er) way, asking for exclusivity if you're serious is reasonable. You never have a guarantee. If you're with someone past the honeymoon period, 12-18 months, you begin to see and know the real person. If you are continually only in very short relationships, you'll never get there. You DO risk stumbling across a scoundrel (male or female)... but a scoundrel will be unlikely to stay the long course. Life is a risk. Love is too. The payoff could be phenomenal. I'm going for some gold...(metaphorically... human love and connection.).

[soleil2666]

@Screenwriter I've never really contemplated how to weed out the fakes. You can sense people here, mostly, but some are/could still be good at deception (which you do being to find out about 12 months later).
And I agree I am after a gold too (not a digger, obviously, but the top)
Has that worked for you/have you had much success with it as an approach?
I could, in theory, try for the same - but Europeans are very bad when it comes to giving up on anyone you might already like. You are, rather, expect to understand the situation and find a way to deal with it (not losing a connection even if it is just a mutual interest)

[Screenwriter]

@soleil2666 Sadly, I think only time tells you. No one can keep up a fake front forever. Actions are the tells. If someone continually cancels dates with you. Says they are busy too often to be with you. Their actions do NOT line up with their words... those are serious "Tells." They tell you the REAL story. It IS hard to let someone go whom you like. But if you think you like them more than they appear to like you, it IS best to let go. It will be very difficult. I've failed at it too.

[soleil2666]

@Screenwriter I think we try to understand where they are coming from/what mindset they are in and why here, and then decide if it is viable to pursue it or not, over here.
Because when words and actions don't align, it isn't that they are lying - you can just tally up the difference to see what it is they are hiding (some trauma that stops them)
Then you consider if they are prepared to get over it for you or not, perhaps ask them directly if you think they could - if they aren't responding QUICKLY enough you know they don't have the energy to deal with it.
There are healthy people out there (even if it took them going to a therapist to disentangle from their specific family shame)

[Screenwriter]

@soleil2666 ARE YOU A PROFESIONAL THERAPIST? Yeah, I hooked up with someone who very early on told me his father committed suicide and beat him and his brother severely as children. He seemed a very nice person in general. But I should've realized how damaging that sort of stuff would be. He'd never been to therapy, spent his years in the army being away from his OWN family. But I had such a fucking normal childhood and I try to be generous. I love to give to people. But I didn't recognize his tells. Words not actions. Liked him too much. He had a polished exterior. But he did say he wanted to go slow and I didn't. He had trust issues. (duh) He'd been abandoned emotionally AND physically by his dad. He learned to keep his distance and abandon people before they abandoned him... It all makes sense. I'm just getting over this. Have to start all over. Have to be much more careful. I need to get a solid love who's fairly healthy. Have to healthify myself too. Be wise as serpents and gentle as doves... Jesus has some really great sayings...

[soleil2666]

@Screenwriter No, lol - I do things as a hobby when I try and work something out (and end up getting into professional level detail, sometimes beyond the envelope).
Religion does contain lots of wisdom in that regard (Biblios, I believe, was simply the original collection of wisdom, all writings (there was no printing press back then, so you'd scribe it or just listen - that power of listening. Googling, lol2)

My take is that AFFINITY is a lot more important than time. Read somewhere that jews take 3 months to marry - you either find someone or you are not really interested (but that assumes collective support and openness for the process - of which we tend to only get snippets in modern life - everyone is scared, self invalidating etc etc)
Whatever your guys troubles, they were likely overblown by a therapist who wanted to charge him over a longer period of time. They could just tell you you're fine mate just pick up her cues and calls but that's be unfair - he had to 'milk' your kindness for protecting you first (your societal role as someone who was 'privileged' into a peaceful upbringing)

[Screenwriter]

@soleil2666 He never went to therapy. It'd be a long haul for him if he did. His mother knew he was being beaten by her husband (both of her sons!) I'd have killed my husband if he touched my children and be glad I did it. That was a terrible failing of his mother. But, he married an angry, overprotective woman. The mother he hadn't had. (she attacked me for showing a picture of him on my facebook page of him standing next to his motorcycle... told me I had to remove the pix because he was married to her! Sent insults etc until I blocked his account, which she was using to contact me. I hope he's happy. Guess he got his protective mom at last! Ugh) I've read two unhealthy people who have matching psychological issues can have successful relationships. So there it is. Wouldn't be my choice, though! Happy to follow you. Do the same if you care to.

[soleil2666]

@Screenwriter Good god - of course he isn't (happy). Why in the world did you boomers never pursue your dreams PROPERLY? Now the whole generation of millenials is depressed - what happened to love, not just woodstock?
I'd say you owe it to us (and the younger ones) - but in your case - she just manipulated you out of contacting him.
Find another method and check it with HIM - not with her.
His heart might just melt over seeing you, even if he doesn't end up doing anything about it
(yes, you were playing his good mom, which he probably felt he wasn't entitled to - no social rules for that - just a bit of care and then back to the frontline soldier (which is utterly sad for a good man))

[Screenwriter]

@soleil2666 No, no. I totally disagree with you. They may be completely happy with each other as their dysfunctions match would never keep in contact with a married man who had no interest in me. Ugh. My only interest in him was as a partner. That is impossible, so forget it. I had more interest in him than he had in me. Or his emotional blocks made it impossible. They may be happy as far as they CAN be happy. Good luck to them up. And because of that, they can be successful. It works to a great degree. I don't want to contact him and he's married. I have to respect his choice and he knew his wife was contacting me and telling me whatever she was saying. He wanted her to fend me off. He's a coward. He had a mean father. He's chosen a mean woman. It makes sense. I'm sure she has her good points. But mean would not be something I'd seek in a partner. I'm over it. I'll be out there looking with better eyes this year.

[soleil2666]

@Screenwriter I'm not a believer in any of that - you can tell those stories, rationalise it all you like, you still care, he still knows it - that may as well be his primary DESIRED relationship. He could easily be feeling imprisoned in his current one - but those things, no one wants to resolve - the shame and the guilt (your fear over his rejection just to keep that front are palpable - people do that, but they also THINK - I know this from one of my past relationships)
Some of it is politics, getting support from a group that would normalise how you feel - the rest is your own work.
I still think the older generation ALWAYS owes it to the younger one to clear up some of the mess they've inherited. One does it, more than one does it (depressingly, I expect it to fall on deaf ears - that's just what everyone over 60 does - wants to live in the 'now' and partially self-invalidates)

[Screenwriter]

@soleil2666 I understand what went on in your relationship. But yours wasn't mine. This isn't about being over sixty. This didn't happen when I was over sixty. He's five years younger than me. So he's not over sixty either... This isn't about age. It's about the people involved. It doesn't matter if I care. I have my boundaries and his choosing someone else, saying goodbye, then marrying them are ultimate boundaries. He hasn't reached out to me since 2017 and it's taken me two years to get over him and plan to start living again. I haven't been living in the "now". I've been hurting over the past. I've just worked out my healing. I don't feel shameful or guilt about anything. I have no fear of rejection. I was already rejected. He knows I cared for him. That didn't matter for WHATEVER reason. It doesn't matter if he does or doesn't feel imprisoned. He has not contacted me, nor articulated anything. You're speculating, wildly. He's likely perfectly happy. If he isn't and he's accepted misery, there's no helping him.
I help myself by moving on and starting to live in today. This doesn't invalidate any sadness I've felt. I've worked through it. I've got no front put up. Don't lump people into a group. If they're under this they all do this, if they're over this they all do that. People do act individually based on their backgrounds. We were people from similar backgrounds but completely different levels of familial trauma. Mine was near zero, his was near 100. That was what it was about. Regards.

[ArrowheadSW]

Several years ago, I was dating a lady for about 2 months. I didn't realize that she was reconciling with an ex while we were dating, and then she split up with me to go back to him. I was heartbroken but then again, I really should have discussed exclusivity with her if that is what I wanted.

[ShadezMcgee]

Good take, especially with the concept of casually dating others and not putting all your eggs in one basket. Learned that the hard way.

From my understanding it is the woman's job to bring up the exclusive question "Where is this going? What are we?" If men di that, it seems to push women away. In that note, I believe it takes 6 to 8 weeks to get to the exclusive point after going on multiple dates and screening the woman's potential for what you are looking for.

[Physics-Man]

Thank you for your insight into this stage of relationships. I'm inexperienced in this so I appreciate your effort in composing this.

[Avicenna]

No prob, and I'm happy to help you if you have any further questions. Feel free to PM.

[no1else]

I'm Irish. Exclusivity is pretty much an automatic right in anything lasting 3 hook ups unless otherwise specified. Much easier.

[Jjpayne]

Those are some good pointers! Thanks for sharing

[Avicenna]

It was my pleasure!

[ShadowofRegret]

That is very good advice that I think many would do well to heed.