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How I Express Lack of Interest Politely After The First Date (So He Doesn't Think I'm Using Him and... Just Out of Politeness and Understanding)

Anonymous

I see A LOT on here from guys about how it's a method for women using them and more of a financial thing, and it's kind of understandable to think that. I mean, if the situation was reversed, I would think the same thing if I asked and we went but then as soon as it's over it's a no-go. That's a reasonable thought so I don't blame men for it. However, it's not true for all of us, and this is why.

As a more traditional woman, I do expect the man to "lay the nest," as a lot of people phrase it, so the first date is on him to ask. That doesn't mean he has to do something expensive (which would make me hesitant anyway because he probably has ulterior motives).
(I've actually been on a date with a guy that didn't cost him a dime, but he put a lot of thought into it, and I appreciated it. It meant more to me than if he had done something like spent money on me to go to the movies or something basic because everybody does that yet he took what I like in mind, when he doesn't even enjoy those things himself.)
But although I expect him to be a gentleman and ask first, that doesn't mean it's okay for him to think I used him. Even if I'm not interested after the first date, I feel kind of bad if he just gets bailed immediately afterward, so I don't do that and I attempt to be more polite with it. It also doesn't mean that he has to ask for every date after that. I like asking the guy for dates after we get started. If men still made all the money in today's society that would change things, but it's not that way so I don't expect him to do everything when he's making half of what he could be making. Plus the fact that society just sucks for many reasons.

He needs to ask me first.
He needs to ask me first.

My Method: If my interest is automatically taken away on the first date, it's usually one of these reasons:

  • He revealed something to me about himself that's a deal-breaker. I have a lot of deal-breakers, yes, and it's better that he does tell me these things in the beginning so we don't get invested in something that is destined to end when I find out, especially if I ask him about it, so be honest: don't lie to me and don't leave it unanswered.
  • He lacked social skills and we just don't "click." I get that nervousness is a thing around a girl or guy you like, and that's actually something that shows interest so I'm not downing that. But if he's not very charismatic, like asking a lot of questions is a big example of this, then that will turn me off.

With that said, I believe that reason matters. I would want to know the reason if somebody turned me down after a first date too. I prefer to tell him the reason and be clear about it. The only problem here is that a lot of guys will take this the wrong way, especially if it's the first one above and he has too much of an ego. But that further shows me that I don't want to be with him; it only enforces my decision.
Letting him know the reason is important, and it's important to do it in a way that shows concern and not just throwing him away. I'm not one who wants to "use" anybody. (I actually tend to have more money than the guys I date, but that's another story.) So I generally ask him for a second date, and since I ask I pay for it myself - for both of us. I see this as a way of politely expressing my concern and that I no longer want to pursue, without just cutting him off rudely. Plus I appreciate the fact that he took his time to ask me in the first place, he thought about it, and he could've picked anybody but found something different about me. There's no reason that I shouldn't show the same courtesy. So when I feel the need to turn down going any further with him, I like to ask him out and reveal that to him on my own responsibility.
NOTE: It's one thing if he actually reveals a deal-breaker; that's an automatic cut-off. However, if it's more of an inference or assumption I've made, then if I still have even a small interest I'll ask him to clarify. Sometimes wrong conclusions can be drawn on the first date when getting to know each other.

I like to initiate time together once we have something started.
I like to initiate time together once we have something started.

And this kind-of gives away a fact of me to any guy I agree to a first date with, who knows me well: if I ask for a second date within a few days, some guys, if they know me, can assume that it's my way of politely showing disinterest, so the guy tends to get nervous. Obviously it's not always the case and I really do want to go out with him and be together again and express my continuing interest, but I have had some guys reply something like, "Don't even tell me the reason" when I asked for a second date. They know me well lol and I wish I could change that a bit, but I prefer to be polite, so I guess it's impossible. (unless you users want to add a suggestion here on how I could handle that better :) )

So, as always, thanks for reading. 💗

How I Express Lack of Interest Politely After The First Date (So He Doesn't Think I'm Using Him and... Just Out of Politeness and Understanding)
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Most Helpful Girl

  • SexyAshh
    I think honesty is the best policy. If there's one thing I've learned from dating, ans dating muxh older men and having older friends, guys want just the blunt truth.


    So just straight up tell him, its not being rude its being honest and saving him from wanting to know what went wrong.


    If you dont want to do that, ghost.
    Is this still revelant?
    • Anonymous

      I’m so with you on everything you said lol
      Great minds think alike!

    • SexyAshh

      Thanks for mho❤️❤️❤️

    • R4zor

      Please don't ghost us it means I don't give a fuck about your existance

Most Helpful Guy

  • winterfox10
    You just thank him for expressing interest, say you had a good time, but that you just can't see the relationship going in a romantic direction.
    Is this still revelant?
    • Anonymous

      Well if I just let it go on that, I feel bad about doing it that way. To me that’s disrespectful to agree to let him do for me and me do nothing for him, even if I want to break it off. I mean, he put the effort in to try to go out with me. I feel like me showing appreciation and letting him know that way is a lot more polite.

    • I get that. But, from a man's perspective, I can tell you that it's nice to have a woman just be straight with you.

    • Anonymous

      Trust me, I’m straight up. You make it sound like I’m not honest. Probably the greatest thing I value in life is honesty, even over love.
      And I have one thing to say to this: if he wants me not to do it politely, then don’t complain that women go on the first date then quit just for free meals. Maybe we really don’t like you.

    • Show All

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What Girls & Guys Said

433
  • Bluemax
    I think your heart is in the right place, Yads, but there might be a better way to handle it.

    If you ask him on a second date, it's very possible he'll mistake this as interest in him. Then his hopes are dashed from a greater emotional height. I don't recommend this.

    If you're not interested, then don't ask for a second date. If *he* asks for a second date, that's when you tell him you're not interested either by phone or by text or in person if he's present.
    • Bluemax

      "He lacked social skills and we just don't 'click.'"

      Another example of that weird phenomenon of assigning blame. Couldn't it just be a case of you didn't click, and *that's* why he wasn't so conversive? Is there not a possibility that someone else *will* find him charismatic and the reason you didn't find him that way is because you simply didn't click and *not* due to a lack of social skills?

    • Anonymous

      Yeah, I should’ve put “... OR we didn’t click.” My bad, I misworded. No blaming intended.
      And I find rejecting him after one day from then on to be impolite, and it’s funny that so many guys complain about women doing that yet now you say no

    • Bluemax

      I have always argued that quick, decisive rejection with no room for ambiguity or false hopes is in fact the most compassionate and polite thing to do.

    • Show All
  • I think it is a fair thing to let a guy or girl know a deal breaker rather than just tell them you are finished. It helps them to potentially adjust their views and have understanding.

    However, giving someone a reason why can only lead to arguing so you have to be careful on how you do it. Maybe setting boundaries and rules for talking might be an answer for that
    • Anonymous

      I’m not gonna argue with a guy over not wanting him because he has a dealbreaker. He can get over it. I’ve literally had a guy cry in front of me over that, him having a dealbreaker and me breaking it off.

  • KrakenAttackin
    "I have a lot of deal breakers".

    You are in the phase of your life where you are the "buyer" and you can afford to be selective, BUT this phase of your life passes quickly. By going through men like toilet paper you are likely passing up many men who could be good long term partners.

    Before you know it you will be single and asking "where have all the good men gone". Answer? You dated tons but you had "a lot of deal breakers".
    • Anonymous

      I beg to differ. I’m getting married, and he is perfect. :) Try again lol

    • This article implies you are dating.

    • Anonymous

      No. Obviously it applies to WHEN I’m dating, which at the moment I’m not and won’t be again.
      Either way, your message is wrong here. My fiancé is living proof.

    • Show All
  • Kiss_Me
    First dates are nothing less than getting an answer to a universal question, "Do I even like you enough for a second date?" Both the guy and girl are asking this question. If your answer is, "No", then tell him your just not interested in a second date. You are not required to tell him why.
  • Browneye57
    Way way way too f'ing long - you just blather on and on and on.
    If you don't like the guy just say you're not interested. All this fuzzing around is just drivel. You don't owe anyone anything. Not even an explanation. No, the reason doesn't matter. For gods sakes.
    • Brownie cutting straight to the chase lol

    • Browneye57

      @1828avaava1828 - Girls project how they feel, what they are. They only see and consider themselves, so they just naturally think everyone else is the same. It is the giant lie of feminism - men and women will never be the same, never have and never will.

      Guys communicate overtly. What they say is what they mean, there is no agenda, no hidden meaning.
      Girls communicate covertely. They are masters at innuendo, nuance, and being passive aggressive. So naturally they look for that in others.

      If you want a guy to understand something you have to be crystal clear and direct. That's really the only way they understand. If you're not, they just don't get it. And then you hear the famous, "He just doesn't get me." No tootsie, he does, it ain't a fucking guessing game. :)

      And he doesn't have all those feelings and emotions like she does, so he really does appreciate you just being upfront and honest. It's a relief. If you're not into the guy he doesn't want to waste his time pursuing you. You simply cannot negotiate attraction and desire. From either party.

  • msc545
    Try asking guys out instead of expecting them to ask you, and behave like an adult and pay for your own dinner or half the date. This "gentleman" thing is code for "I don't want to have to put anything into this or take any risks".
    • Anonymous

      Nah. It’s code for “I’m a traditional woman and I’m gonna have a traditional man.”
      If I’m gonna spend my life having your kids, being submissive to you, doing for you, loving you, then you’re gonna initiate. If you’re not man enough to do that then I don’t want you 👉

    • msc545

      Nobody said you had to spend your life that way. Equality goes a long way.

    • Anonymous

      Yes. And equality can mean both are entitled and you end up with a lifelong happy marriage, or it can mean what you’re saying - both are nothing, so nothing is put in and nothing comes out (no marriage, no long term, no kids and two good parents, etc.). Either way is equality. What I want just takes more effort but is growing more uncommon now because people want it all about self instead of a lifelong happiness with the other person 😊
      But thank you for sharing the one-sided view of equality that selfish society sees and not the side of it that leads to happiness that has to be worked for. I am aware of that, but I prefer the other.

  • KeziL
    "Hey, I enjoyed our date but I don't really see this going anywhere, I'm sorry."
    • Anonymous

      Yep. That’s the simple way of doing it.

    • KeziL

      That's pretty much my go-to, it's not personal and not something a person can really protest. I know I'd rather hear that than "you're too boring for me" or a specific reason that's a little hurtful.

    • Anonymous

      True, but if he asks I’m not gonna lie

  • slatyb
    All you have to say is "Sorry, I don't think it would work. Best wishes."
    • Anonymous

      That’s the case if it’s not one of the two things, which is explained if you want to read it.
      On a side note, if that’s the case then you guys should stop complaining that women only want a free meal when she cuts it off afterward.

  • zeitgeist057
    Wow, that's very classy. Wish I met more girls like that, even if it didn't work out, that's just very respectful, honest, and communicative.

    I feel like I'm picking the wrong girls to ask out, who aren't even able to communicate effectively, and leaving me feeling like the weird one for trying to.
  • Nawlins34
    Before I respond, I want to sum this up and make absolutely clear that I'm understanding your strategy correctly (please correct me if I'm wrong here)

    If you're not interested in the guy, you offer a 2nd date and inform them at that point you're not interested, is that correct?
  • Tstrbrainer
    What if the guy thinks that you asking for a second date is a positive sign that you are interested? 🤔
    • Anonymous

      Then he find out the opposite pretty soon, doesn’t he 😂 But he also appreciates that I did it not rudely

  • xJeremyx
    Just be straight, but polite and not rude. there's no need for elaborate ways to try to make a guy feel better. If i were on a date id probably bring a notebook so if it didn't work out i could ask what went wrong and how i could improve. And give her a cheers goodnight. As well as thank her for coming.

    As for shelling out the bucks, i think a coffee date is best for a date over food. Not too expensive, but it gives us time to talk and get to know each other. Otherwise i would want a date where we can spend time interacting with each other and find out what the other person is actually like. Could be as simple as a simple evening stroll in the park. But here's a word of advice. If you want the guy to not feel you are using him for free food, bring your wallet and go dutch if you dont see the two of you going anywhere. Its that simple.

    Although what right do i have to talk? I've almost never been on the dating scene other than the time i found a girlfriend (a great girl by the way), and my parents forced us to break up.
  • SomeGuyCalledTom
    I'm not sure I understood you correctly. Are you saying you would go on a second date to show him you're NOT interested? If a girl asked me out for a second date I'd take that to mean she IS interested (a perfectly logical inference, I should add).
  • Avicenna
    It's fine to not have any interest after the first date, just be honest as to why- the feedback is useful. But also tell him what you did like about the date so he knows what de did right as well.
  • MarcoPolo22
    If it's only been one date, he shouldn't get too bent out of shape over it, I wouldn't think unless he has issues. But a simple comment like "I feel like we wouldn't be compatible. I could give you a reason, or reasons if you'd like." I think that most people wouldn't want to hear the reason, especially if it's personal or something that they couldn't change.
  • newfreshstart
    i know we don't talk much so if you will take my advice who knows just be like the date was ok but I'm not interested in you
  • mindNsoul
    I dont like talking a lot and confusing people when I have something important to convey. So I'll be polite, direct, and simple. Never had an issue with my approach. Also I don't really always go into details of why unless I was asked a lot. But guys who ask a lot usually the ones who get butt hurt or offended.

    Anyway, not every man complains about the meal thing and I would of found that out before going out to dinner with him. Plus I always offer to pay for my food. So I enjoy my peace of mind. Life is simple.
  • Guanfei
    You don't want him to think you're using him? Don't do things that would make him think that.
    Pay for yourself for example. That way he'll already know he's not your free food/fair/cinema date.
  • Juxtapose
    You can't. A really good Machiavellian liar is very hard to detect so they are probably going to assume the worst unless you do something like buy them dinner yourself.
    • Anonymous

      You didn’t even read the post lmao

    • Juxtapose

      I skimmed over it because the paragraphs weren't broken up enough for my taste. I don't like walls of text.

    • Juxtapose

      Good on you for offering to pay for the second date though, seems like great minds think alike :)

    • Show All
  • RingOfFire
    Excellent post. I agree with your method of telling him the reason. If that happened to me I would want to know even if it hurt because it would not leave me second guessing myself. It makes me realize I am guilty of NOT doing this. I have not dated much recently, but if I go on a date and don't want to see her again, I just say nothing. I've enjoyed almost every date I have ever been on and I think my dates did too. But the vast majority end with my not feeling a connection with her and I never say anything. I just don't call. Maybe that isn't a good idea. Thanks for the insight.

    I don't let women pay for dates. I don't enjoy it. It takes the romance out of it for me.

    The exception is the rare case if maybe we have been together a long time and she really gets pleasure out of it now and then. If it makes her happy and I like her, I'm in.
  • zagor
    Probably just politely declining a second date is good enough. And that way if he never asks for one, it's on him.
  • This is great. The first date is a trial. there's no guarantee of anything. You are simply meeting a person to see if you click. Most people dont understand this.
    I know it can be uncomfortable to tell someone why you dont like them or why you lost interest but for fucks sake it's necessary sometimes. I dont like doing it but I'll still tell someone so that they aren't thinking about outrageous possibilities. I value honesty and being upfront and with anyone I'm seeing I'd like the same courtesy that I give them.
  • MannMitAntworten
    When I was doing the net dating thing I never really met a women I connected with via the net. Too me going on that ‘one’ date was just the cost of filtering out... I never had resentment towards this. A fee lasted more than one date but even with them if they lasted a few months it was never an issue of them ever coming off as “using” me. Heck, most would contribute too anyway. I mean, I know there are those women who pull the free dinner nonsense but if I meet them, they didn’t extend beyond the one date anyway. So it wasn’t a big deal. I think only one took advantage of my ‘hospitality’ by drinking like a damn fish and assumed we were going to go out again... No. It was level of drinking that turned me off and less how much she cost I had to cut her off as she was getting out of control. She was pounding effing one shot after another... I just do not like drunks. I don’t care how attractive they are.
  • Smegskull
    My view is. If she goes halves she doesn't want another date.
  • Liam_Hayden
    I much prefer the straight up girl to the one who tries to drag it out.
  • nerobyrne
    I went out with a woman once and she called me later to tell me she wasn't interested.
    I asked her why and it turned out it was all things I only did because I was really nervous, so we decided to give it another go.
    The ironic thing is that our second "date" was at her place to help her set up some IKEA furniture and then she made me dinner.
    Then we had sex all night and now we're best friends after two great months of being together 😊

    I just wanted to share that story because of the part where you wrote about misconceptions on the first date.
  • Jltakk
    Here's a novel concept. Be open and honest with him.
  • PineappledPizza
    Question for you:. Asking a lot of questions, is that not charismatic? While dating? I think you said that. How come?
    Is it because him asking questions weeds out him sharing comments?

    Answer: you could say "do you ever plan on being married?" Have him answer, then you say "I plan on being married or finding the one. And I know a lot of people have divorces or are not happily married. So I created a list!". You can show him the list. Or ask what his list is and look at each other's list at the same time. You can eventually tell him that you feel your most important list items are not in him.
  • I dont think women owe guys an explanation. Lol
    • Jack9949

      Just kinda seems insecure to me

    • Anonymous

      Eh, it’s not owed or mandatory, but it IS polite. No insecurity involved, but I get what you mean.

    • Jack9949

      “Hey sorry I’m not interested anymore” is nice enough

    • Show All
  • COMMODOREII
    So what are your deal-breakers? 😎
    • Anonymous

      I’m too lazy to list them

    • Que suave

    • you wrote a freakin' thesis on the topic but a list is too much?

    • Show All
  • mrgspoter
    Wow yeah I think I was right 🤐
    • Anonymous

      About what?

    • mrgspoter

      Being so innocent

    • Anonymous

      No, you’re wrong 💯

    • Show All
  • sensible27
    Didn't read the whole thing but reimburse them?
  • bklynbadboy1
    Wow! Dating has really changed
  • Anonymous
    Didn't read anything beyond the question because this one is pretty easy:

    When he asks you out for a second date, you say "sorry, but I'm going to say no. I just wasn't feeling it on the first date so don't think we should go out again."
  • Anonymous
    So you should do what girls do to me and flirt with another guy
  • Anonymous
    If I am not into him, I will be polite anyways to get through the night. If he wants a second date, I merely tell him to text me. I my change my mind. But I say nothing right there, it is tacky.
  • Anonymous
    Let me start by saying that I didn't read all this. But just commenting on the title... women tend to be too subtle (because of fear, wanting to be "polite" or whatever) and this doesn't work! Being direct doesn't equal "mean". You can be direct and still be nice about it. But you have to be direct. As with you and guys if you like him, you question everything he does right? So do we. If you're too subtle, then we just question it but don't really know for sure how you feel exactly, so we keep trying (as would you). So you need to simply say "I enjoyed our first date, thank you, but I don't think that we are a match", or something along those lines. "I don't think we're compatible, good luck in your seach"
    • Anonymous

      That’s the case if it’s not one of the two things, which is explained if you want to read it.
      On a side note, if that’s the case then you guys should stop complaining that women only want a free meal when she cuts it off afterward.

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