I see A LOT on here from guys about how it's a method for women using them and more of a financial thing, and it's kind of understandable to think that. I mean, if the situation was reversed, I would think the same thing if I asked and we went but then as soon as it's over it's a no-go. That's a reasonable thought so I don't blame men for it. However, it's not true for all of us, and this is why.
As a more traditional woman, I do expect the man to "lay the nest," as a lot of people phrase it, so the first date is on him to ask. That doesn't mean he has to do something expensive (which would make me hesitant anyway because he probably has ulterior motives).
(I've actually been on a date with a guy that didn't cost him a dime, but he put a lot of thought into it, and I appreciated it. It meant more to me than if he had done something like spent money on me to go to the movies or something basic because everybody does that yet he took what I like in mind, when he doesn't even enjoy those things himself.)
But although I expect him to be a gentleman and ask first, that doesn't mean it's okay for him to think I used him. Even if I'm not interested after the first date, I feel kind of bad if he just gets bailed immediately afterward, so I don't do that and I attempt to be more polite with it. It also doesn't mean that he has to ask for every date after that. I like asking the guy for dates after we get started. If men still made all the money in today's society that would change things, but it's not that way so I don't expect him to do everything when he's making half of what he could be making. Plus the fact that society just sucks for many reasons.
My Method: If my interest is automatically taken away on the first date, it's usually one of these reasons:
- He revealed something to me about himself that's a deal-breaker. I have a lot of deal-breakers, yes, and it's better that he does tell me these things in the beginning so we don't get invested in something that is destined to end when I find out, especially if I ask him about it, so be honest: don't lie to me and don't leave it unanswered.
- He lacked social skills and we just don't "click." I get that nervousness is a thing around a girl or guy you like, and that's actually something that shows interest so I'm not downing that. But if he's not very charismatic, like asking a lot of questions is a big example of this, then that will turn me off.
With that said, I believe that reason matters. I would want to know the reason if somebody turned me down after a first date too. I prefer to tell him the reason and be clear about it. The only problem here is that a lot of guys will take this the wrong way, especially if it's the first one above and he has too much of an ego. But that further shows me that I don't want to be with him; it only enforces my decision.
Letting him know the reason is important, and it's important to do it in a way that shows concern and not just throwing him away. I'm not one who wants to "use" anybody. (I actually tend to have more money than the guys I date, but that's another story.) So I generally ask him for a second date, and since I ask I pay for it myself - for both of us. I see this as a way of politely expressing my concern and that I no longer want to pursue, without just cutting him off rudely. Plus I appreciate the fact that he took his time to ask me in the first place, he thought about it, and he could've picked anybody but found something different about me. There's no reason that I shouldn't show the same courtesy. So when I feel the need to turn down going any further with him, I like to ask him out and reveal that to him on my own responsibility.
NOTE: It's one thing if he actually reveals a deal-breaker; that's an automatic cut-off. However, if it's more of an inference or assumption I've made, then if I still have even a small interest I'll ask him to clarify. Sometimes wrong conclusions can be drawn on the first date when getting to know each other.
And this kind-of gives away a fact of me to any guy I agree to a first date with, who knows me well: if I ask for a second date within a few days, some guys, if they know me, can assume that it's my way of politely showing disinterest, so the guy tends to get nervous. Obviously it's not always the case and I really do want to go out with him and be together again and express my continuing interest, but I have had some guys reply something like, "Don't even tell me the reason" when I asked for a second date. They know me well lol and I wish I could change that a bit, but I prefer to be polite, so I guess it's impossible. (unless you users want to add a suggestion here on how I could handle that better :) )
So, as always, thanks for reading. 💗