(What Really Matters to a Woman)
This is not about manipulation or coercion. It's about how to understand them, and yes, influence the situation to increase the odds in your favour.
Some questions that came to mind as I thought of writing this:
Am I betraying my gender by revealing such things? (Not sure. TBD.)
Is this sexist? (Not if I make the disclaimer that many of these very same things could also likely apply to a man.)
Is this new information, organized into one place, from one voice, or is this redundant and rehashed shite? (I have no idea. But as the internet is ever-growing, and the Sys Admins behind the scenes are forever finding new ways to add efficiency and build out system storage requirements... ah, screw it. It's got room for one more take.)
So, let's begin with What Do Women Want?
She Wants to Feel Special 🎯
She's asking herself, 'Why me? Am I unique? Am I held at a higher state, or am I just one of many?' She knows when you're playing a numbers game. She senses it. When she doesn't know, when she's still assessing, she's wary, cagey. What are your intentions? What is it that you want? You may have to pay for the sins of your peers. (You are connected, yet separate.) Or you may be acting inconsistent, dodgy. She's reacting to you. Or she's reacting to her past. Are you decisive? Are you unclear? Are you being careful, because, or until, you know how she feels? Are you hesistant to go all in, until you find out more, gather more data points? Are you worried about imploding a relationship, perhaps a friendship, that is already important to you, that you want to make more? You must choose her, and she must feel that. Or forget it.
'How do I make her feel special?' You have to get to know her, and you have to be specific in what you say. This requires listening ('active listening'), really observing and paying attention, and then giving her feedback about what you have heard and observed. The more generic statements you make to her, the more time you waste. The more specific, the more trust you build and gain.
I won't waste time explaining time. Put the time in. It's not based simply on a total number of hours shared. It's an impossible to deconstruct, single, or surefire formula of time invested. Every phone call, every text, every day that goes by, is being consciously, or subconsciously, recorded, felt. Every story she tells, heartache or problem she shares, is being calculated, tallied. Every woman is different, every man is different, every relationship is different. But trust me, it's an investment, and she is paying attention.
(And you don't need to comment to me about wasted time and being ultimately vanquished to the dreaded 'friend zone.' I know it's a problem, a hazard, and I've fully explored the topic, trust me. I feel your pain.
Genuine, Authentic, Not Forced, Appreciation 💐
Here's a key phrase: 'Girls want attention. Women want respect.' Girls may be influenced by their first and memorable "You're so beautiful", or maybe "You're so hot", but honestly, that's surface level. As they mature and gain wisdom, it won't be enough. They need more.
Not every woman in the world is looking for equality, respect, but my belief is that they will eventually, it's just a matter of time. Progress takes time. Why? Because everyone wants respect. Everyone. To deny that, is to deny a basic principle of what it is to be human. We all have our domains where we succeed and thrive, but respect and appreciation are paramount in all healthy relationships.
If in doubt, approach her as if she is a man (a man you like and respect, and see as your equal, your peer.) If you do that, you won't be wrong. But if you approach her as someone different, but on an equal level to you, she will likely appreciate this even more. Does your behaviour change around women? Around her? This is gold. An adaptation, an effort, even if only slight, is noticed, and appreciated.
You Don't Need a Psychology Degree, But You'd Better Understand That This is a Psychological Venture You're Embarking On 🧠
Psychological stimulation is essential for women. Quite simply, if you are not providing women with the psychological stimulation they want and need, you will be incapable of satisfying them. Is that easy? No. Is it fair? I don't know. It just is. She must lower her expectations when they become unrealistic, untenable, but you must also at least try to rise up to meet them. A woman's desire begins with the psyche, the mind, travels to the heart, and terminates between her legs. If you play your cards right, just the mere hearing of your voice will cause a pulsing, and eventually wetness, in the most private place.
Men can have their attention focused elsewhere, and then see something, or be touched in a special way, and their desire is almost instantaneous (potentially.) Their mind can recalibrate in a fraction of the time of a woman's (not just any woman, at any time, irrespective of the man's relationship to her, or practicalities, or environmental conditions, obviously), but generally speaking, arousal is fast and far less complicated (though what you decide to do about it is another matter entirely.) Women, in contrast, require a whole host of variables to align, before the green light turns on and it's all systems go. Is it infuriating, maddening? Yes, I'm sure it is. It's like going through a series of doors, one after another, and behind any door can be a Whammy (that's a powerful or unpleasant consequence) and then the entire system unexpectedly powers down. 'The way is shut.' But just know that her body's reaction is always second to her mind. Always.
She Wants to Feel Desired. Really Desired 🔥
Every romance story and erotic novel has one commonality at its core - the man is so overcome with desire for her, he cannot control himself, and he will give up anything, everything, just to be with her (it’s always specific to her. She is the exception.) Women want to be the object of your desire. You desiring her, with that much intensity, can be enough to turn her on. (Sometimes this is not the case, true, but what is also true is that quite often men underestimate their power, their influence in this.) As much as she wants to be carried away, and follow her baser carnal desires, in general, it is just too concerning, too dangerous. She wants to feel chosen. And once she is chosen, desired. Your desire singles her out, holds her distinct, above. I'm sure that all men also desire this, crave this, but unfortunately one of your plights, being male, is she is selective; she is in a position of saying 'no' (or 'yes'), of choosing. But in the throws of passion, in the bedroom, her other inhibitions, worries, fears, etc. rise up again, and unfortunately for you, they manifest in her not fully, without reservation, giving herself to you, to the experience.
Now she worries, 'Is my body good enough?', 'Am I just someone good enough, someone to fill in the night, until he finds who he really wants?', 'Does he think less of me because I said yes?' and on and on and on. You worry about performance (because without you, and your efficiently-functioning equipment, the deed would not be done), but she worries about herself, and your desire for her. I believe this can be distilled down to the mechanics of sex. She can be fearful, emotionally timid, not entirely psychologically present; you must be 'in the game', fully present, or it all falls flat. Is this the reason that your desire for her is so pivotal to hers? Well, I guess this + your, in general, more potent desire... I suspect could be at the root of her wanting, needing, to know that you chose her.
If You Respect Her, You Can Get Dirty With Her ⚡
Most women don't want you to see them as, or call them, slut, whore, etc., but there is a subtle but significant difference in the addition of the word 'my.' While in all other contexts I condemn the use of any term that designates ownership, in the bedroom, in relationships, 'my [fill in the blank - such as girl]' does feel different (I'm sure you feel it too.) It denotes something I can only say must relate to monogamy, exclusivity, a desire to be 'the one' of choice. Everyone wants to be chosen.
The above-mentioned pejoratives are not widely liked or accepted, so my advice to you is don't use them, or proceed only at your own risk. They should not be used shortly after introductions. They require much more specific knowledge of preferences. But here's the part that is... let's say more likely universal... you can fuck her if you love her. If you are the type of guy who likes, loves, and respects women, and you (smartly) say to her, "I can't wait to make love to you..." then you have just, systematically yet without coercion, skyrocketed your odds that she desires you, is literally wet for you, and her fantasies just got a whole lot hotter.
My point is, be respectful, err on the side of always elevating everything you say (provided it's not fake, you're not feeding her a line, of course), and in return, she will let you know where she is comfortable, and just how far she wants to take it. You are used to being the gas, and she the brakes. But instead think of her as the map, and you the car. And if you do it well, really well, she will want to say yes. To everything. Yes, relationships are compromise, and compatability is important, but desire, and the desire to adapt for one another, and fulfill the desires of the other, is actually a quite maleable concept. This is also not to say that 'anything goes', in today's readily available porn-heavy culture where men are still the biggest consumers, but for the 'right' man, there is a palpable willingness to satisfy. It likely originates from a combination of supply and demand competitive marketplace, insecurity, normalization, and progressive, loosening attitudes towards sex. Still, beyond all that, above it, is the desire to change, to expand, for the one you love.
The Sexual Cheat Sheet
So now she's said 'yes.' You're in it. She lies before you, expectant, excited, but reluctant to take the lead. She's looking to you to guide her, to set the tone, to be the capable captain at the helm, the master (rigger) to her (rope) bunny. (I say this not from personally believing this, or as is my personal style, but because the numbers suggest this is the most likely scenario you will face.) What do you do?
1. Be playful: Nothing should be so serious that you can't crack a smile. Don't try to be tough, macho, or become so infatuated with idea of being 'the dom' that you lose sight of the fact that this is supposed to be fun. It is fun.
2. Be flexible & adaptable: No matter what happens, go with the flow. 'Technical difficulties' are to be expected and just part of the experience (maybe even a funny memory down the road.) Bob and weave. Laugh, pivot, move on. No obstacle is too big, no hiccup too loud to distract you (or her; and if she does become distracted, just keep driving that car; snap her attention back to the present moment. You have all the tools in your tool belt you need.)
3. Be verbal: You must talk. You must make noise. Don't model porn male silence, and don't attempt 'dirty talk' until you are both more familiar with each other and your preferences. It might turn her off too much if you say the 'wrong' thing. For now, provide feedback and reassurance orally (not with your tongue, with your vocal chords.) Moan. Moan louder than you feel comfortable (it's probably not too loud.) Remember, women are more verbal than you, and moaning is safe, never offensive. Once you've got the moaning down, use words. If that's difficult for you, use single words - "fuck", "yes", "wow", "amazing", "damn", etc. The slower, and deeper, the better. Voice catching, sounding nervous? Try taking a sip of water, which lowers your voice, or yawn. Yawning instantly lowers your voice by relaxing vocal
chords. Next, short phrases - "you look amazing", "you're so hot", "your body is fire", "you make me feel so good", "look at how hard you made me", etc. And eventually, perhaps, one day down the road, something much deeper, more meaningful “you make me so happy”, "I don't want to be without you, I imagine my life with you", "you're the only one I want."
4. But your back into it: Energy, enthusiasm, and hopefully ecstasy. There have been studies demonstrating that if you can exert yourself to exhaustion you can overcome almost any fear. Don't worry about keeping a consistant rhythm near the end. In fact, losing the rhythm, losing control, is the place you want to get to - true abandon. Look her directly in the eyes, let go, let it flow, and appreciate the intimacy of the moment. Don't hold back. Be giving. Be vulnerable. Be present. Be authentic. If you do all that, the mechanics really don't matter. Anything that happens, everything that happens, will be par for the course.
What about her asking you? Good idea. Will she ask you? Chances go up, the older she is, but if you're chosen pool is typically teens and twenties, don't hold your breath. Girls, want to know how to ask a guy out? The Personal and Societal Benefits of Girls Taking the Initiative With Guys in Relationships Sorry, but it's going to be up to you, most likely.