Dating 110: The Art of Seduction

[AmandaYVR]

(What Really Matters to a Woman)

This is not about manipulation or coercion. It's about how to understand them, and yes, influence the situation to increase the odds in your favour.

Some questions that came to mind as I thought of writing this:

Am I betraying my gender by revealing such things? (Not sure. TBD.)

Is this sexist? (Not if I make the disclaimer that many of these very same things could also likely apply to a man.)

Is this new information, organized into one place, from one voice, or is this redundant and rehashed shite? (I have no idea. But as the internet is ever-growing, and the Sys Admins behind the scenes are forever finding new ways to add efficiency and build out system storage requirements... ah, screw it. It's got room for one more take.)

So, let's begin with What Do Women Want?

She Wants to Feel Special 🎯

She's asking herself, 'Why me? Am I unique? Am I held at a higher state, or am I just one of many?' She knows when you're playing a numbers game. She senses it. When she doesn't know, when she's still assessing, she's wary, cagey. What are your intentions? What is it that you want? You may have to pay for the sins of your peers. (You are connected, yet separate.) Or you may be acting inconsistent, dodgy. She's reacting to you. Or she's reacting to her past. Are you decisive? Are you unclear? Are you being careful, because, or until, you know how she feels? Are you hesistant to go all in, until you find out more, gather more data points? Are you worried about imploding a relationship, perhaps a friendship, that is already important to you, that you want to make more? You must choose her, and she must feel that. Or forget it.

'How do I make her feel special?' You have to get to know her, and you have to be specific in what you say. This requires listening ('active listening'), really observing and paying attention, and then giving her feedback about what you have heard and observed. The more generic statements you make to her, the more time you waste. The more specific, the more trust you build and gain.

Time ⏰

I won't waste time explaining time. Put the time in. It's not based simply on a total number of hours shared. It's an impossible to deconstruct, single, or surefire formula of time invested. Every phone call, every text, every day that goes by, is being consciously, or subconsciously, recorded, felt. Every story she tells, heartache or problem she shares, is being calculated, tallied. Every woman is different, every man is different, every relationship is different. But trust me, it's an investment, and she is paying attention.

(And you don't need to comment to me about wasted time and being ultimately vanquished to the dreaded 'friend zone.' I know it's a problem, a hazard, and I've fully explored the topic, trust me. I feel your pain.

Genuine, Authentic, Not Forced, Appreciation 💐

Here's a key phrase: 'Girls want attention. Women want respect.' Girls may be influenced by their first and memorable "You're so beautiful", or maybe "You're so hot", but honestly, that's surface level. As they mature and gain wisdom, it won't be enough. They need more.

Not every woman in the world is looking for equality, respect, but my belief is that they will eventually, it's just a matter of time. Progress takes time. Why? Because everyone wants respect. Everyone. To deny that, is to deny a basic principle of what it is to be human. We all have our domains where we succeed and thrive, but respect and appreciation are paramount in all healthy relationships.

If in doubt, approach her as if she is a man (a man you like and respect, and see as your equal, your peer.) If you do that, you won't be wrong. But if you approach her as someone different, but on an equal level to you, she will likely appreciate this even more. Does your behaviour change around women? Around her? This is gold. An adaptation, an effort, even if only slight, is noticed, and appreciated.

You Don't Need a Psychology Degree, But You'd Better Understand That This is a Psychological Venture You're Embarking On 🧠

Psychological stimulation is essential for women. Quite simply, if you are not providing women with the psychological stimulation they want and need, you will be incapable of satisfying them. Is that easy? No. Is it fair? I don't know. It just is. She must lower her expectations when they become unrealistic, untenable, but you must also at least try to rise up to meet them. A woman's desire begins with the psyche, the mind, travels to the heart, and terminates between her legs. If you play your cards right, just the mere hearing of your voice will cause a pulsing, and eventually wetness, in the most private place.

Men can have their attention focused elsewhere, and then see something, or be touched in a special way, and their desire is almost instantaneous (potentially.) Their mind can recalibrate in a fraction of the time of a woman's (not just any woman, at any time, irrespective of the man's relationship to her, or practicalities, or environmental conditions, obviously), but generally speaking, arousal is fast and far less complicated (though what you decide to do about it is another matter entirely.) Women, in contrast, require a whole host of variables to align, before the green light turns on and it's all systems go. Is it infuriating, maddening? Yes, I'm sure it is. It's like going through a series of doors, one after another, and behind any door can be a Whammy (that's a powerful or unpleasant consequence) and then the entire system unexpectedly powers down. 'The way is shut.' But just know that her body's reaction is always second to her mind. Always.

She Wants to Feel Desired. Really Desired 🔥

Every romance story and erotic novel has one commonality at its core - the man is so overcome with desire for her, he cannot control himself, and he will give up anything, everything, just to be with her (it’s always specific to her. She is the exception.) Women want to be the object of your desire. You desiring her, with that much intensity, can be enough to turn her on. (Sometimes this is not the case, true, but what is also true is that quite often men underestimate their power, their influence in this.) As much as she wants to be carried away, and follow her baser carnal desires, in general, it is just too concerning, too dangerous. She wants to feel chosen. And once she is chosen, desired. Your desire singles her out, holds her distinct, above. I'm sure that all men also desire this, crave this, but unfortunately one of your plights, being male, is she is selective; she is in a position of saying 'no' (or 'yes'), of choosing. But in the throws of passion, in the bedroom, her other inhibitions, worries, fears, etc. rise up again, and unfortunately for you, they manifest in her not fully, without reservation, giving herself to you, to the experience.

Now she worries, 'Is my body good enough?', 'Am I just someone good enough, someone to fill in the night, until he finds who he really wants?', 'Does he think less of me because I said yes?' and on and on and on. You worry about performance (because without you, and your efficiently-functioning equipment, the deed would not be done), but she worries about herself, and your desire for her. I believe this can be distilled down to the mechanics of sex. She can be fearful, emotionally timid, not entirely psychologically present; you must be 'in the game', fully present, or it all falls flat. Is this the reason that your desire for her is so pivotal to hers? Well, I guess this + your, in general, more potent desire... I suspect could be at the root of her wanting, needing, to know that you chose her.

If You Respect Her, You Can Get Dirty With Her ⚡

Most women don't want you to see them as, or call them, slut, whore, etc., but there is a subtle but significant difference in the addition of the word 'my.' While in all other contexts I condemn the use of any term that designates ownership, in the bedroom, in relationships, 'my [fill in the blank - such as girl]' does feel different (I'm sure you feel it too.) It denotes something I can only say must relate to monogamy, exclusivity, a desire to be 'the one' of choice. Everyone wants to be chosen.

The above-mentioned pejoratives are not widely liked or accepted, so my advice to you is don't use them, or proceed only at your own risk. They should not be used shortly after introductions. They require much more specific knowledge of preferences. But here's the part that is... let's say more likely universal... you can fuck her if you love her. If you are the type of guy who likes, loves, and respects women, and you (smartly) say to her, "I can't wait to make love to you..." then you have just, systematically yet without coercion, skyrocketed your odds that she desires you, is literally wet for you, and her fantasies just got a whole lot hotter.

My point is, be respectful, err on the side of always elevating everything you say (provided it's not fake, you're not feeding her a line, of course), and in return, she will let you know where she is comfortable, and just how far she wants to take it. You are used to being the gas, and she the brakes. But instead think of her as the map, and you the car. And if you do it well, really well, she will want to say yes. To everything. Yes, relationships are compromise, and compatability is important, but desire, and the desire to adapt for one another, and fulfill the desires of the other, is actually a quite maleable concept. This is also not to say that 'anything goes', in today's readily available porn-heavy culture where men are still the biggest consumers, but for the 'right' man, there is a palpable willingness to satisfy. It likely originates from a combination of supply and demand competitive marketplace, insecurity, normalization, and progressive, loosening attitudes towards sex. Still, beyond all that, above it, is the desire to change, to expand, for the one you love.

The Sexual Cheat Sheet

So now she's said 'yes.' You're in it. She lies before you, expectant, excited, but reluctant to take the lead. She's looking to you to guide her, to set the tone, to be the capable captain at the helm, the master (rigger) to her (rope) bunny. (I say this not from personally believing this, or as is my personal style, but because the numbers suggest this is the most likely scenario you will face.) What do you do?

1. Be playful: Nothing should be so serious that you can't crack a smile. Don't try to be tough, macho, or become so infatuated with idea of being 'the dom' that you lose sight of the fact that this is supposed to be fun. It is fun.

2. Be flexible & adaptable: No matter what happens, go with the flow. 'Technical difficulties' are to be expected and just part of the experience (maybe even a funny memory down the road.) Bob and weave. Laugh, pivot, move on. No obstacle is too big, no hiccup too loud to distract you (or her; and if she does become distracted, just keep driving that car; snap her attention back to the present moment. You have all the tools in your tool belt you need.)

3. Be verbal: You must talk. You must make noise. Don't model porn male silence, and don't attempt 'dirty talk' until you are both more familiar with each other and your preferences. It might turn her off too much if you say the 'wrong' thing. For now, provide feedback and reassurance orally (not with your tongue, with your vocal chords.) Moan. Moan louder than you feel comfortable (it's probably not too loud.) Remember, women are more verbal than you, and moaning is safe, never offensive. Once you've got the moaning down, use words. If that's difficult for you, use single words - "fuck", "yes", "wow", "amazing", "damn", etc. The slower, and deeper, the better. Voice catching, sounding nervous? Try taking a sip of water, which lowers your voice, or yawn. Yawning instantly lowers your voice by relaxing vocal
chords. Next, short phrases - "you look amazing", "you're so hot", "your body is fire", "you make me feel so good", "look at how hard you made me", etc. And eventually, perhaps, one day down the road, something much deeper, more meaningful “you make me so happy”, "I don't want to be without you, I imagine my life with you", "you're the only one I want."

4. But your back into it: Energy, enthusiasm, and hopefully ecstasy. There have been studies demonstrating that if you can exert yourself to exhaustion you can overcome almost any fear. Don't worry about keeping a consistant rhythm near the end. In fact, losing the rhythm, losing control, is the place you want to get to - true abandon. Look her directly in the eyes, let go, let it flow, and appreciate the intimacy of the moment. Don't hold back. Be giving. Be vulnerable. Be present. Be authentic. If you do all that, the mechanics really don't matter. Anything that happens, everything that happens, will be par for the course.

❤❤❤

Related References:

What about her asking you? Good idea. Will she ask you? Chances go up, the older she is, but if you're chosen pool is typically teens and twenties, don't hold your breath. Girls, want to know how to ask a guy out? The Personal and Societal Benefits of Girls Taking the Initiative With Guys in Relationships Sorry, but it's going to be up to you, most likely.

The One Board Game That Could Improve Your Relationship

https://www.girlsaskguys.com/other/q4061865-what-kind-of-compliments-do-you-like-to-receive

Guys, how do you feel about 'the friendzone', or being left in purgatory, wondering how the girl feels about you, or if she'll ever return feelings?

The Death of Dating

The Pink Guide to Speaking Blue

[Mroz75]

This is a very very interesting and great mytake!

Really impressive, well written, and accurate! I even felt moved by the intensity of it!

Thank you for your time writing it, your mytakes should really go viral, like for real! 🙌🏻🙌🏻

[AmandaYVR]

Really? Aw thank you, Mroz, that's so sweet. Writing is hard in some ways. I do really enjoy it, and I can often/usually summon the words, but I do question whether the topic and tone is really of value. Is it meaningful, or is it redundant, superfluous? I get a bit of tunnel vision, and feel I lose perspective. I can write a paragraph or two so quickly and easily, but on some subjects, the more time I spend on it, the more I wonder if it's even worth posting. I was unsure about this one. The more time I spend editing, and then sitting on it, the more I wonder. I almost deleted it. Yet I like to be done with things, and then move on. The process itself can be a bit torturous at times, but it's definitely working my brain, and I do enjoy thinking.

[Mroz75]

I really mean every word! And nothing to be thankful for🤗🤗

Yeah i get you, its not an easy thing, especially when you're new or not used to it, but let me tell you, you're a very good writer! You can deliver the message so simply yet so professionally (I don't know if it makes sense😅), and at some points it's so poignant, like this mytake, it really moved me, I felt encouraged, and motivational! I don't know if it's for the fact that spoke my inner thoughts!

Your mytakes are meaningful, and worthy because it can be much much enlightening, without having to put random words just to fill lines, like short sentences but full of details/information and what's more important is how you deliver it by using a third point of view as well as first and second. In the end, it all depends on the reader/audience, if one found it redundant, others may surely find it meaningful! (Always remember that)

In that case i would say to not sit on them more than you should, because we humans are naturally our own harsher critics, which means the more time you spend reading it over and over, the more you would feel its meaningless.

It's understandable, and as i said its not easy thing to do, but i really appreciate your hard work, and the time you spend writing all of it because i know it doesn't take just a couple of hours to post a magnificent piece of work like that!

[pocketman]

I agree. Its smooth to read and draws emotion out of the reader.

[nerdybutlazy]

this is amazing!!! You more or less described what I think most women want men to understand ( giving them a little bit of a cheat sheet doesn't hurt if they're gonna use it for good). It was really well written. You did a great job :D

[HATR3D]

Reason why we don't understand is because we don't look at it threw the emotional point of view. This is why men struggle to understand women and women fail to understand men. Women try figuring men out using emotion which is why they never figure it out. I don't know in my opinion it's easier to understand men because it's basic logic but with emotions it's fucking everywhere which makes it way to fucking confusing which apparently women don't see

[nerdybutlazy]

@HATR3D The thing is people need emotions you can't have a relationship without one. women are taught to feel things and men are taught not too so when they get older they don't think about emotions when getting into a relationship, which is pretty hard, I know not all men do this but think about it, a lot of men complain women are too emotional in relationships well to women emotions are really important cause we just want to have those emotional conservations and when men don't want to it kind of makes us feel like you don't want us. But then again very we are talking about now could be seen as society won't let men be sensitive and that kinda sucks

[HATR3D]

I agree with that, society did fuck it up and unfortunately parrants still teach their sons that it's not ok to cry or show emotions. I've seen a mom tell his crying son to stop crying because you're not supposed to when I went on a hike and that pissed me off this lady looked like 26 or 32 still fairly young and I'd expect by now people would have learned not to do that but it's funny that you mentioned it because I was actually raised like that but I was beaten if I cried. Soo I learned to not cry, show or express my emotions and for a long time I've been seen and called cold hearted by people. Then I got an interest into psychology, health and wellness. I started to express emotions more but long story short I got to a point where Im no longer scared or ashamed to show emotions and now I actually cry a lot and I'm actually extremely sensitive now

[HATR3D]

Funny thing is some women say they like a sensitive guy but then say they don't because is a trait of femininity Soo

[nerdybutlazy]

@HATR3D I'm really happy for you about that it's great when people learn to get in touch with their feelings, maybe it's just me but I prefer more sensitive men, I just think they make great conservation. Maybe now that you're learning you could also take maybe this mytake with a grain of salt. Most women just really want to talk about real stuff or at least I do and I get turned off when guys can't do that. Also, that woman should be ashamed of herself for doing that, if he's in pain or even if he's just upset he should be allowed to cry, I'm so sick of the "Man up" thing isn't outdated

[HATR3D]

It is outdated just like the whole "alpha and beta" crap like do we really still live in the stone age? The issue is a whole lot of people still believe in that crap. If anything though I make a better listener than talker 😬 my conversation skills suck, especially when talking to girls💔 but sensitive guys do talk about deep things for sure though. And thanks I'm trying to go threw a healing journey, and be a better person

[AmandaYVR]

Thank you for the feedback, nerdy 💛 I'm happy to hear I was able to represent adequately.

[Lliam]

True, true and true, especially from "Genuine, Authentic, Not Forced, Appreciation" on.

I never ran into the situation you described in "Time", but that might be because of the day and age in which I was out there. I think what you said might be more true for young people living is current times.
For me, I was out there all the time surrounded by and interacting with people. My group of friends were always doing things, playing sports, surfing, going to parties, and going places in our cars. Girls hung around with us, I would almost say on the periphery. So it was always boys and girls hanging out. The girls were checking out the guys and vice versa.
I also met a couple of girlfriends at work. Again, it would be obvious if they were interested in me or not.
I never spent a lot of time trying to woo a particular girl. They would usually make it pretty clear if they were attracted. If I was also attracted to them, I would ask them out to do something together, just the two of us. If they weren't interested, no biggie. There were girls who did their best to get together with me who I wasn't interested in, either. It was simple.
All of the girls who I wound up in relationships with were open to sex fairly soon after we began to date. It's what we were both after. They were as horny as I was. They had had boyfriends before. I think we both figured that we'd learn more about each other as time went on and, in the meantime, why not have fun? It wasn't like we were dancing around and holding out to find the perfect marrying partner before having sex.
But it was a time of women's lib, sex, drugs and rock & roll. So I didn't meet many up-tight girls who looked to me for security, a house with a picket fence, and babies. They were pretty indepedent.

Nevertheless, everything you said about women, especially in the bedroom, is 100% true. Wow! Supurb advice, Amanda. A valuable and insightful perspective into female psychology, the likes of which I have never run across. Guys would do well to study what you wrote.

[AmandaYVR]

Thank you so much my dear friend {hugs}

[Syrian_survivor]

GUYS READ THIS TILL THE END


Very well-written, though I must say that even if you provide all those things correctly, you might end up failing because not all women are natural enough to have these things work on them

Here's my experience which I think will help some guys here:


MAKING HER FEEL SPECIAL:
She wasn't that special of a girl, though she did promise so many good things, she was the only girl I trusted in my life, her loyalty and honesty were impeccable, she was also beautiful and sexy, she didn't give much in the relationship and she felt bad about it but I always comfort her there, eventually she was convinced that she was my one and only queen, especially when I resist looking at other women in the streets just for her so she feels even more special




TIME:


I gave her almost half of my days, I kept thinking it would be worth it eventually because I'll gain her heart and maybe we'll get farther and deeper in the relationship like this, and it worked, it did take us so far in and the love was amazing, I counted on her promises that she's gonna give me back all this love one day and didn't think too much of it, 3 years of me giving her half of my day everyday


Genuine appreciation:
I would literally die whenever she'd send me a selfie, whenever she went out of her way to comfort me or to make me happy, whenever she did something for me when she didn't really have to, whenever she instantly blocked and rejected some guy trying to hit on her because she's so attractive, and she would be confused and very pleased with my reaction, it made her feel like she deserved me and the love I gave her




PSYCHOLOGY DEGREE?
I'm just gonna say that I instantly nailed that part, I don't know how I did it, there was a time where we didn't meet for like a month or two, so texting was the only way for us to bond and so we did, next time we met, a whisper from me to her ear got her face so red and she started shaking, the date ended quickly because she "had to go", she later explained and it was just as I expected, she says it's not so much the voice itself (my voice isn't deep at all), it's because that voice is my voice, I think the correct use of the previous things (time, special, etc) lead to this happening




RESPECT:
Some time after when we got dirty over text, she would be very shy and I would be extremely dominant, I would say whatever I want and she'd be melting from every letter I'm saying, especially when I express ownership, making her feel like she's mine and mine alone, only I get to do those dirty things to her and she would submit and love it all so easily, so that wasn't a problem, my sexual obsession with her was over the roof, and it was really effective, made her go crazy and feel so wanted and desired
BUT, make sure you make her feel special during sexual things too, sneak in a romantic comment, be wild but be romantically wild sometimes, don't make her feel like an object all the time (some women sometimes like to be seen as a sexual object by their significant other, it's a sign of want and desire)




SEXUAL?
Unfortunately, we never had sex, we only went as far as sending nudes to each other, we wanted to keep our virginities for marriage.


***


-keep reading in replies-

[Syrian_survivor]

CONCLUSION:

Sorry guys, but even if you land all those things correctly and make your girl feel like a goddess in every way possible, it doesn't mean everything's gonna be okay, it doesn't mean your TIME investment is gonna be worth it, it doesn't make her yours and yours forever, even if you were completely understanding and logical and you applied all those things, not only sexually but in general, you can easily lose her because not all women know what they want, not all women are natural, not all women are logical, smart, or know better.

She broke up with me after 3 years of being together because her trust issues grew and she overthought about my past relationships with other women, she thought how I used the exact same seduction techniques on other women online (because she knows about them, I told her), even after I made her feel like the most special person ever, and the other girls are less than skanks compared to her, her negative emotions got the best of her and she ended our relationship while she was crying and I was begging her to calm down and not do anything stupid to end the precious relationship we have.

It's over.

So guys, before you put all your time and effort to seduce a woman and make her yours, make sure she's right in the head, and make sure you're both completely honest and sincere with each other so what happened to me doesn't happen to you, don't waste 3 years of your life like I did.

[AmandaYVR]

I'm sorry you went through that, Syrian.
Though what i wrote is about the beginning. it's not enough to carry two people through to the end of time. Relationships are very, very complicated. You have to deal with issues, as they come up, one at a time. And then you hope that you find some understanding and common ground. There's no shortcuts to spending a life with someone.

[Syrian_survivor]

Yeah I suppose it does work at the beginning to get her all excited and so she falls head over heels for me, but I'm not sure if it's necessarily a good thing, I feel like it blinded her from any actual issues we might face later, I used to make her feel special sexually and I guess that made her forget about the other girls for a long time, that sexual high is one of the msot distracting ecstasic feelings, after all. But I'm not so sure.

[AmandaYVR]

You mean forget about other 'guys' for a long time, right.
Yeah, you're right about that, the sexual high is a powerful one, very intoxicating.
But don't forget, we all have portions of these different types of hormones, some of which get released at the beginning (and feel the most powerful, yes), and some other ones bond people together over time, or with children, for instance. They don't seem to take over as much, but they're there, so they do help some.
I think it's interesting, though, your idea about being blind. I wonder if that would work, adapting behaviour to avoid that happening. I've never heard of that. But I did have a detailed conversation today about the idea that people should speak their minds, communicate their opinions early on, or it can lead to wasted time invested, and losing trust in knowing how that person thinks.

[Syrian_survivor]

No i meant she forgot about the other girls I've had before her and how i might have used the same seduction methods on them as well, i was never worried about her interacting with other guys, i was the only guy in her life, like literally lol

And yeah i agree with your second statement, i thought the sexual hormones released at those intimate moments would make us closer and make our bond stronger and maybe they'd make her feel much more special than girls before her, but I was wrong, i guess it differs from a girl to another unfortunately

And we did talk about everything in all honesty, at first, she only had small suspicions that I was a cheater, then she became more worried about it until we had a fight and I convinced her there was no other girl, then she started thinking about other girls I've dated before her, it was a growing negative idea in her head that I sadly wasn't able to stop, no matter how much time and effort I put into it

It really got me thinking, should I stop being honest about my past with new girls I meet? How could I have seen this coming? It pushes me away from any kinds of relationships honestly lol, people are too weird and too unpredictable

And hey, thank you for being an amazing thoughtful writer and a good friend, just wanted to throw that in there ^_^

[AmandaYVR]

I described this briefly to my husband and asked what he thought about the idea of not sharing the past details, to avoid this happening. His response: "She's got issues. Insecure women are really difficult to deal with. The answer can't be not sharing, because not sharing is not truly showing who you are, and that's not a real relationship." I agree with that too. I sort of tend to look at the numbers, and wonder what the odds of coming across another, or the next girl, who is just like this, with this level of doubt and insecurity. But I guess that's not the point either. The truth is, it's difficult to find someone you're compatible with, and even despite the challenging circumstances, we have to still seek out something that is real, meaningful, and hopefully fulfilling. It might take a lot of work, looking in the rough to find the diamond, but it's a worthy goal to try and achieve.

Don't give up, Syrian. You're a good guy, as I've told you before, wise for your age, too. You're emotionally intelligent, and you have substance. It doesn't feel like enough right now, it could even feel something's a bit lacking for decades of a life, but you have this, it's an asset, trust me.
And thank you for the kind words. I appreciate it, truly.
Keep writing, keep thinking, keep trying. And if you need a chat, I'm here.

[Syrian_survivor]

Thank you so much for this ❤️
It means a lot and it'll definitely make me see things in a different, brighter way :)

[Drakkith]

Like AmandaYVR said, this is just a guide for the beginning. It's important for you to have your own standards for women, such as not being a ridiculously insecure person. That's a character flaw and it's up to you to decide how much of it you're willing to take.

[Celtero]

Lol. You know this stuff isn't exclusive to women?

Looking forward to the day the whole "woman is a prize man must earn" model of romantic relationships to die.

Like... you know women used to be considered a burden and the father of a woman had to pay a dowry to the man his daughter married? A sort of "thanks for taking her off my hands."

But now we're in an age where women don't consider that maybe wanting to feel special and sexually desired isn't only something that matters to themselves since men just wanna smash and they don't care if their partner is invested in them emotionally.

And people are going to overlook this basic advice of yours because the societal expectation is that men are lucky to even have a girl interested in them to begin with. Saying something like, "women should make their men feel special and sexually desired" shouldn't sound alien.

[AmandaYVR]

Hi Celtero,

There is a lot here, maybe more than you know. I'm trying to decide what to respond to.

Firstly, yes I know this isn't exclusive to women. It's partly why I wrote, "Is this sexist? (Not if I make the disclaimer that many of these very same things could also likely apply to a man.)" The reason I phrased that as such, and not more strongly worded, is because I am getting sick and tired of males online coming at me for writing about men. Obviously I am not speaking as one of, or on behalf of, men. That would be idiotic. But I am perfectly capable of listening, talking, researching, reading, and most significantly, writing about all this. So fuck qualifying, and disqualifying, based on gender. This is so illogical, and unreasonable, as to be offensive. We are not relegated to only discussing ourselves. How self-absorbed, and quite frankly dull that is. Everyone has their areas of interest, and knowledge; understanding the psyche, and communication, is mine. So, yes, I know this applies to men. I also know that males are far more interactive on this site, and it's typically more enjoyable for me to write when there is interaction, so while I pondered for quite some time, writing this in a more general sense about both sexes, I chose to focus on one angle. It's a writing choice, not an exclusion. I spend a lot of time thinking about these things, making these decisions consciously.

[AmandaYVR]

I don't subscribe to the 'women are the prize' concept. At all. I am an egalitarian and have always believed that both people in a relationship contribute; sometimes similar things, sometimes very different. If guys stopped chasing girl just for sex, there wouldn't even be this concept. In relationships, it's moot. I once answered a question about this on here, and got into a big debate with some idiot, who didn't even want to concede that neither gender is 'the prize.' I've also written about the importance of girls initiating relationships/dates, countless times. I think falling back on "it's tradition" is just lazy and cowardice (but it does depend where a person lives, and what culture they have grown up in. I am North American, and progressive. I believe this is the way of the future. Some do not, and they're pushing back as hard as they can.) But one can theoretically understand how it came to be; not to mention, the generally higher sex drive of males. That, I don't have a problem with, but it's also archaic and overly simplistic thinking that "all men want is sex", as I have challenged here before. I've done the polls, research, etc. We can never ignore a certain segment of the population is driven by this and wants nothing more from the opposite sex, but I understand how it breaks down in a more complete way - and that is, the majority do want a relationship, IF they could find a compatible partner, but most people nowadays don't, so what they do in the mean time, is where everyone divides off into their camps/thinking.

[AmandaYVR]

The problem is, that too few people can extrapolate outside of their own mind, their own experience. They draw almost all their conclusions based on their direct experience and preferences. It's dangerous, no, let's say destructive, to create such an airtight narrative that it doesn't allow for flexibility or change. When I was your age, I didn't really understand men. I was very curious, interested, drawn to them and had my experiences, but they were unpredictable creatures to me (they had other motives, quite often, which meant their head wasn't in the game, and went off chasing some other tail. That will never change. But it goes for girls nowadays as well, so I hear.) But at 47, I've had lots of experiences, deep conversations with people of many ages (and on gag, tons of 20somethings), and I have a lifetime of reading and research, so I have perspective.
I know things are changing. It's why I'm interested, and why I talk and write about it all. It's a very challenging time. But you know, it never was easy, relationships. It's the biggest issue we all face. And it never ends. Part of me wants to tell the next generations coming up to smarten up, look at the forest through the trees, stop being so narrow-minded about it all. Or so bleak. The future is not set. And then, part of me thinks, 'well, that's how it goes. Everyone has to learn, everyone starts somewhere. It takes time.'

[JustinTimberlegs]

Wow this is incredibly well written (and so are your other mytakes). The part I appreciate the most is where you outlined the male and female insecurities during sex, where men worry about performance and women worry about their value to their partner. Trying to look at this from the woman's perspective you provided really reframed the whole thing for me.

Another thing I thought was great was making an effort to keep her attention in the moment.

I think both men and women just want to feel desired and special, but they just tend to evaluate their worth in different ways.

Thank you for the great article! Very much appreciated.

[AmandaYVR]

Thank you! 💛
I just re-read it, and yeah, not bad, if I do say so myself, lol.

[JustinTimberlegs]

Very well deserved self pat on the back :) you should consider writing a blog or in a professional capacity!

[ObscuredBeyond]

I kind of already do this; but I always choke up. I've endured so much betrayal; I half expect it. "I was just kidding!" Or: "I didn't actually take any pills." Or she deliberately performs poorly on her end, just to mess with me. Or, she is like: "I'm actually only 22. You really thought I was 29?"

Ladies, seducing a man is one thing. But never do it under false pretenses. Ever. He will start to see all women who show interest in him the same way that Magneto tells that one guard in X-2 to view women: "Never trust a beautiful one, especially not one that's quite that interested in you."

I know I'm not a 9 or 10 in the books of most ladies. About a 7 at best. Usually a 5 or 6. So if a woman who appears to be about a 7 or 8 starts coming on strong out of nowhere, I'm instantly suspicious.

[Lov2PlezUgurl]

Do you know what you just done you have given every male that reads this the keys to the p**** basically and they don't have to follow the hole picture that you've got lined out just put there game together facing it on your reviews you've given the players a nuclear bomb and you given the gentleman a chance thank you from us gentlemen
I see you put in a lot of time and a lot of effort many hours of putting this together and I just want to acknowledge the fact that you did a great job

[AmandaYVR]

Oh god don't say that! I'm already conflicted enough and have sleep issues as is!
(No, I'm just kidding. I need to hear it all. Keeps me on my toes.)

And thanks.

[Dongtai]

Do you have any advice on making a woman feel good when you first meet her? You can dm me if you don't want to tell the world. I've gotten back into dating and I'm meeting women weekly now. I'm really really good at going up to a woman and engaging her but I tend to keep the conversation too friendly in my opinion. I mean I'll tell a woman I think she's attractive but then I'll ask about her day and stuff.

Sometimes it leads into something and sometimes it doesn't. I know women are more likely to want to feel a spark if you make them feel good in someway. Make them feel special, good, beautiful, etc. What's your advice on leaving a memorable impression?

[AmandaYVR]

What a great question.

I sort of do have an answer, but I'm not sure if it's too abstract or not concrete enough to be useful.

When I think of being in these situations, I can bring myself back and recall just how it felt, how the man looked at me and interacted with me. I won't give you examples of when I felt repelled, or wanted them to go away. I'll describe when it felt good, right.

They make "good contact" As my German grandmother used to say. It was her broken English phrase for someone, like my husband with her upon first meeting, who has a nice, pleasant, calming presence, tries not to be too obtrusive, but is definitely emotionally present. This also involves a significant amount of eye contact. (I'm sure you do this. I already imagine you this way.) Some people who are particularly shy and nervous types, can be uncomfortable with eye contact - because it makes them feel put on the spot, as if they are being looked at, analyzed (which they are), but that is honestly their problem, not yours. So being the adaptable type of man I'm sure you are, you can release and periodically look away, but don't disengage so much that their awkwardness bleeds into your behaviour. I don't use the word 'confidence' much at all. I have known many people whom I thought were confident, but in getting to know them well, I found out that they too struggled with finding themselves, and the wiser me knows that we are all making effort in how we carry ourselves, sometimes with success, sometimes not. People are afraid of being judged (often the judgiest ones feel this the most acutely), but they should try and put that aside and consider that their doubt in themselves is what makes others feel awkward. We all have the ability to put others at ease. And that is very, very valuable.

[AmandaYVR]

It sounds like you have the talking part down. Continue with that. Asking about her day is great. It's open-ended and can be followed with all sorts of comments that can broaden into something else. (You will, of course, avoid the easy and truncating yes or no qs.)

People who should not be trusted have some dead giveaways with their body language. Shifting and fidgeting, eyes darting, a yet-unchannelled energy, etc etc could be stress and anxiety, but they could also be a person who's on the edge, impulsive, about to do something physically combative. So as long as the woman doesn't see any of those telltale signs, and you are calm, she should at least proceed to Phase II: What does he want? Is he going to ask me for something? (money, etc.) or is he just chatting me up? Phase III, she'll be assessing the things you talk about, and if you have already thrown in a compliment, she'll get the idea pretty quickly, she's not in danger and you're not any trouble.

The commonality in all good interactions upon first meeting all contained a certain warmth, energy, effort, and something I can only define as 'a spark' within them. It's as if their backbone is standing up straighter. You can feel the energy exuding from them (probably a natural byproduct of wanting to make a good impression, or the focus they are placing on you.) They are smiling with their eyes, so it feels genuine, they keep their eyes on my face, and their eyes may look around, but they seem to be trying to fully absorb every movement I make, whether it's on the face or in body posture. It's almost as if you can feel their intent, their interest. There's a magnet between you, or an electrical field around both of you that is now suddenly palpable.

[AmandaYVR]

It took me a long time to figure out that men are interested in me in that way. If it wasn't in a very obvious context of a bar or something, I never assumed, or often thought these subtleties meant something. I simply thought, "Oh, what a nice guy. He was so warm, friendly, inviting, we had a nice chat", that sort of thing. But I was wrong. I probably consistently was underestimating. I eventually did find out a pattern. When I describe scenarios to other guys, they always say "it was obvious. He was totally into you." I found out that they were interested sometimes, if we ended up together. Not only did I find out from the person who initiated something with me, but they told me what other men were saying about me to them. A fascinating, and pivotal piece of information.

When it doesn't work out, it's now always lack of reciprocal interest. Sometimes it's that the context should, technically, remain purely professional. Or one or both people may not be single, available. In those, of course, it feels like friendship, or a friendly chat, but I think if circumstances were different, well... they would go another way.

So, sorry this is getting so long, but back round to the original idea - I think every person is capable of showing interest, and that that interest is genuine, pure, and really if you think about it, rather uncomplicated. Some women will be suspicious. That's understandable. But when you are approached, I think aside from the obvious words chosen, the compliments given, etc., there is this sense you feel from them, that they just want to get to know you. If the receiver has the confidence to know and believe that they are someone worth knowing then it becomes quite easy to engage with the person.

[AmandaYVR]

You do the same - you look into their eyes, catch the microexpressions on their face, notice a subconscious licking of the lips, feet and hips pointed in towards you, and maybe even the excuse to reach out and touch you (such as your arm) in a moment such as a laugh, that feels natural. It all seems to happen organically. I am so sensitive to this, so aware, that even when I watch two people (of whatever gender) speak on TV (usually in a real or reality setting, not a scripted work, although it can happen there as well), I get this very sort of contented feeling, watching them interact. It's about seeing two people, one expressing themselves to the other, and the receiver listening intently and trying to absorb and understand whatever it is the first person is wanting to say. I think that interaction is a beautiful thing. There is an iconic person (who I shall not name, because I'm tired of people trying to discredit others, as a sort of biased hobby of sorts - not that you would, Dongtai), who has spent their entire career working in media and entertainment, and they have interviewed thousands of people over the course of a lifetime. And they said, "There is one thing all of them, all people, have in common - it is the desire to be heard." I should add to that, listened to, and understood. But 'heard' is truly the best word. So my last piece of advice to you is... be comfortable with the pauses, the silences. Don't try to fill them in, or react to them with anxiety. Let the silences breathe. Allow for either of you to have a new thought, or take the conversation into a new direction. Think of it not as awkwardness, but a potential pivot point. And if she speaks, just stand there with an open mind and heart and really listen. That is what will speak volumes about the kind of man you are and partner you will be.

[Dongtai]

There's no such thing as too long when it comes to wisdom. I liked all of this. One thing that sticks out to me is you saying how it took you awhile to pick up on when a guy likes you in those situations. As I become more self-aware and less affected by the "halo effect" when it comes to women, I'm starting to see more human traits like nervousness and self-doubt or just cluelessness. I hadn't stopped to think that maybe sometimes girls think I'm just being a friendly person or that I wouldn't be attracted to someone like "them. I'm always assuming the best when it comes to women-she's in her best state of mind, best mood, etc. So I often if the interaction doesn't go anywhere unless she blatantly tells me she's not interested or has a boyfriend. I do make it a point to show obvious interests.

I'll usually say I think she's attractive and I wanted to speak to her. Would that be obvious enough for you? I don't want to come off as a guy who just wants to get her in bed. But obviously physical attraction is part of the reason I notice these girls. So I'm honest with my intentions but I also try to have a genuine and interesting conversation to see if there's more to her than looks. Yes I want sex but I also want to enjoy deep conversations and laugh sometimes. I want a woman who can be a great friend and a lover so that's how I try to present myself. This is how I've been getting dates since I was 18 (I'm in my late 20's). I'd say I get as many dates as I get rejections but was wondering if it's because I'm not sparking a connection more often.

Basically I'm trying to boost the amount of sparks I make. I could go out and talk to 20 girls and maybe land 3 or 4 dates if I talk to them for 5 minutes. Just wanted to know if there's a way for me to boost that number higher or if that's just how it is.

[AmandaYVR]

"I'll usually say I think she's attractive and I wanted to speak to her. Would that be obvious enough for you?"
Yes, that's perfect. Nice and clear.

"Basically I'm trying to boost the amount of sparks I make. I could go out and talk to 20 girls and maybe land 3 or 4 dates if I talk to them for 5 minutes. Just wanted to know if there's a way for me to boost that number higher or if that's just how it is."
I can't think of anything else you could do to up the odds. I think we've covered it all. It comes down to:
1. Context - is this an appropriate time and place to begin chatting
2. Your demeanour is warm and friendly and your intentions don't seem cagey
3. The conversation is appropriate, and you've begun it clearly stating why
4. Time/how long you get to know each other before initiating a date or contact info being exchanged - I think this is the only thing that might up your odds. I'm pretty impressed that you get any phone numbers, etc. within 5 min. Those girls must be the adventurous, risk-taker types. Good for them. I suppose now that social media is so prevalent, the next stage is usually scoping people out on those, and some digital messaging, so in that way, they're not risking much. But I'd say try stretching out your chat time, maybe. That's about it.

[Dongtai]

5 minutes can sometimes turn into 10-30 minutes. I’ve noticed the longer I talk to a girl the more likely it is I’ll see her again whereas if it’s short it’s a toss up. So if I get 5 minutes it gives me time to give her reasons why should keep talking to me.

I meet most girls at school. But I’ve been meeting girls at the gym, stores and other places I go to during my daily routine. Work is the one place I rarely put myself out there like that. I go really really slow when it comes to coworkers. This is extremely good advice. It’s encouraging/inspiring 👏👏

[Squirts93]

Women should stop wanting to be special. Unless theyve actually earned a title, position, reputation or record, they aren't special. They want to feel special because they aren't. Men have to face this reality every damn day and women think theyre above that. Women hate insecure unconfident men, and it goes both ways.

[AmandaYVR]

Well I get what you're saying, and just to be clear, I don't believe in the 'you are the prize' mentality at all. I find it self-important and self-egrandizing actually.
There are some females who think as you described.
But there are also many who don't.
I personally believe that many men are special. Maybe not in every way, every aspect, or all someone who is appropriate partner material, say for me, but some men have qualities that make them special, and I am quite good at recognizing that. Like it or not, we are all measured up and compared to one another. It is no slight against men in particular, really. Once you get past the superficial 'Tinderization' of dating, everyone is ultimately looking for compatibility, and that is a hell of a challenge in itself. The beginning is the beginning; the long haul is where you really put your money where your mouth is.
But I don't think there are any fewer special men, than special women (or guys than girls.) It's just that guys still do (or are forced to do by stupid social customs and traditions), most of the approaching, therefore play more of a numbers game, so that's why I phrased it as such. Both people ultimately choose each other. And, often the more desirable people do get chosen first (and/or being the lucky ones to find compatibility.)

[Makeushiver]

I think you really nailed it with desire, To feel sexually desired is one of the most personally flattering things. It isn't vanity either, it's a little bit of power knowing you are desired.
Thanks for writing that and I think that any insights into the psychology of intimacy is one of the best reasons for this forum- except for the fact that honesty is sometimes responded to with hate from others.

[soleil6997]

In many ways, it is flimsy, whimsical, when women do all that - but it still is the way you describe it (to almost painful detail)
Or, rather, as long as you are geographically close all of this even makes sense/becomes the good way of relating- it us a bit troubling when a woman remote expects as much of your presence (can be very hard to be somewhere for more than a week or two - and in that period you kind of have to jam pack two-three months of relationship development).
Respect - most certainly. It isn't true that men want respect and women love - both want the respect first, it is a precondition to love.

[maxdoesss]

I'm not sure whether to say this is a good take or not. You're by no means wrong, but if men were to take your advice they'd likely fall flat. What a women thinks she wants or says she wants, tends to be a bit further removed from what she actually wants (And no, I'm not talking about the stereotypical caveman/pickup artist that you're thinking about). Ever here a woman say something in the format: "He has to be X but not too X"? I'd take note of this advice but not look too into it.

[claudear]

Wow.. One if the best article I ever seen on here... It is really helpful and interesting.. I so much see genuity in your writing.. Keep this up..

[AmandaYVR]

Thank you so much 💐

[Jjpayne]

I love this! The guidebook on seduction! Well noted! :) Great mytake!

[grega239]

Good info.
Kinda useless since I don't even get a text back but ok

[AmandaYVR]

A Guy's Guide to Digital Communication: How to Talk to Girls Online ↗

[grega239]

Yea that's not gonna help. If nothing worked before it's not gonna work now

[HATR3D]

But what's all this worth if I have no confidence in my self or believe I'm able to offer all those things? Fact is girls have more needs than dudes and frankly dudes can't live up to their crazy expectations or needs. Y'all need way more stimulusous on all levels. For dudes it's basically just a kiss here and their and sex. Well thanks for the help at least 😃 unfortunately I know I can't provide those things

[AmandaYVR]

Don't give up. I know it's difficult. I know girls are challenging with their needs and expectations. But you can learn. You can do this.

[ret04]

Interesting. It seems as if you’ve gone from BDSM skeptic to BDSM advocate in a relatively short time frame.

[AmandaYVR]

Well that's interesting.
I'm really wondering where you got that out of this mytake. (Well, ok, maybe one area where I relented, giving advice on that. But it doesn't mean that I am in favour. I'm merely going along with statistics.)
I do have rather strong opinions about it but I keep them to myself for the most part. We can chat over pm more if you like.

[Paul09]

I understand and know most of this, and agree, except for one thing. Yet I'm still single lol fml. But a lot of men can learn from this.

[Valnac]

I like telling her she’s a naughty girl for making my cock hard.

[AmandaYVR]

That's a good one.
Should be good with every girl.

[msc545]

No offense, but women telling men how to please women is almost a tautology. That said, I enjoyed your mytake.

[elizamichale1]

Nice take honey

[AmandaYVR]

Thank you

[elizamichale1]

😊😊😊