Is it because the guy is more confident? Or is it because he is more “alpha?”
I’m going to say that it is neither of these things. Being more confident can lead a person to be overly confident and becoming cocky to the point of annoyance. Being “alpha” is just a farce as the “alpha” and “beta” theory have been disavowed by the scientist that coined the term.
The reason that some men seem more attractive than others goes to the belief system that a man has about women. This isn’t a “how-to” or “what every woman wants or believes” take. This is more of a thought process that has been researched and proven for decades. It’s also one of the hardest things for coaches to deal with. I tend to fire, or reject, a lot of clients based on their beliefs or outright refusal to even consider another belief system.
Here is the generally accepted thought:
“Men who are deemed attractive are often thought of as more successful and higher achieving.”
Not totally untrue and generally backed up by observational science. However, this is only true to a certain point.
Let’s first look at a few overall beliefs that some men have and how this plays a role in attraction.
- A man who believes that all women are gold diggers and untrustworthy is going to attract gold-digging untrustworthy women.
- A man who believes all women are manipulative slutty bitches is going to attract women who are manipulative slutty bitches.
- A man who believes that all women are intelligent, beautiful, and outgoing is going to attract beautiful, intelligent, and outgoing women.
Why is this?
We attract and select what we believe is true. Two very common themes in society are that people tend to subconsciously or consciously select partners who have similar features and beliefs. This is something that is known as assortative mating. Assortative mating can be defined as the phenomenon in which people choose partners who are like themselves and/or fit within a belief system.
What you believe comes out in everything you do when looking for another partner. Those that see those cues are attracted to you. Then you filter those people according to the beliefs you hold. Therefore, you end up with the person who matches your belief system. (I'm not talking about abusive relationships, that's a separate topic altogether. Very few people in the world actually seek out abusive partners.)
The only thing every one of your relationships has in common is you and your beliefs. If you believe every woman you go out with is going to lie and cheat, you will end up with women who lie and cheat.
Even they had no intention of that in the beginning. In psychology, it is known as conformity behavior. The person adapts and becomes what the other person expects them to be. Keep reinforcing the belief upon the other person, they will eventually live up to that belief.
Here’s a quick example.
The homely-looking guy with the three “hotties” around him may not be the most physically good-looking guy in the room. But, his view that women are smart, ambitious, and enjoy sex comes out in his interactions which attracts the women he desires to be with. Meanwhile, the most physically attractive guy in the room who believes women can only offer one thing is attracting all the shallow women who believe they only have their looks to get them by in the world and who do not find the little homely guy appealing.
The more the little homely guy interacts the more flirtatious the interaction becomes. Group conformity starts to take place and he now has five "hotties" around him. The more physically appealing guy is barely able to keep the attention of one woman.
The hidden factor in attraction
This has to do more with where you are and the perception of success than actual professional success.
Take a guy who wears worn-out t-shirts, oversized jeans, and ratty cross-trainer shoes as an example. Dress him in a classic stylish outfit with a professional haircut and you increase his attraction level by 50%. Believe it or not, but this is what mountains of research show.
In order to be attractive and focus people's attention, a man should look clean and well-groomed. All you have to do to confirm this is look at the plethora of women’s comments around this site and the net. Well dressed and well-groomed is an initial attention and attraction factor for most women.
The clean-cut hairstyle can also make a guy look more authoritative (successful), which is why it’s best to avoid the caveman look that seems to be popular among some men.
Now, take a look at where you go to meet people.
Go to a college frat party dressed in a three-piece suit and asking for a mojito, you will have a hard time fitting in. The big guy over in the corner shotgunning a six-pack and smashing beer cans on his head wearing cargo shorts and crocs is going to be seen as more successful than you.
Reverse the roles to a business meet-up. Mr. Smashing beer cans is going to look like an idiot while you are seen as more successful.
Move this to a slightly upscale club or bar. A guy who wears a well-fitted shirt, blazer, jeans, and clean casual shoes will get more attention than a guy who wears a similar outfit that doesn’t fit well.
Success is a game of perception based on the venue you are in. This doesn’t mean you lie and say you are CEO if you are not. Success is defined differently among different people.
This also plays into the touchy subject of money and gold-digging. There really isn’t any denying that this does happen. However, having a little knowledge about how to look for it can work in your favor. That's a huge topic on its own. I try to summarize it so it makes some sense.
Money and success do play a role, but not as big a role as many men believe. Again, it's more about perception than anything else.
If money and success were the largest attraction factors women looked for then they would not be going out with or marrying guys who worked at entry or mid-level jobs and getting paid just above minimum wage. So, what is the attraction factor?
It goes back to the belief system that the guy has about women.
If you believe that all women want is money, you will attract that kind of woman. In general, these types of women tend to have the belief that they are not smart, have had limited opportunities in their lives, and generally, have limited problem-solving resources available. So, money tends to be a major factor for them.
Change your belief, change the people you attract and filter for. “Women don’t care about money, they just want to know you have a stable job and can pay your bills. Like a responsible grown-up does.” A generally accepted definition of success.
These types of women, in general, tend to know they are intelligent, have had multiple opportunities available to them in their life, and generally have multiple problem-solving resources available. Money is not a major factor because they know they can financially provide for themselves.
The guy who believes women are gold diggers and only wants money shows up ready to start dishing out the cash. His overall mannerisms cue the attraction of women looking for those men willing to fork over money as their own personal ATM. His belief system also makes it near impossible for him to set firm boundaries. Which then enables her ability to keep asking and digging.
The guy who has the opposite belief will attract the woman who doesn’t care or has set money low on her priority list. The gold-digging woman, if she approached, would be rejected by the guy as his boundaries are firm and set high. He isn’t willing to entertain a gold-digger. Therefore, he is effectively filtering for the women he wants to meet, date, and possibly build a relationship with.
So, if you are wondering what is it that this guy has over that guy in attracting women, look at what they believe about women. Take a look at what they believe a “man” has to be in order to attract women.
A guy who goes to a social gathering who is neatly dressed acts casual and presents as non-needy is going to get attention. He is able to talk with multiple people on a range of topics. He is able to casually let his intentions be known. He is able to flirt in a way that resonates with the women he is talking to. Within a matter of minutes, he is surrounded by a group of women wanting to talk to him.
Compare this to the guy who comes to the same gathering wearing oversized clothes, flashy bling, and acting like the big-shot. His conversations are all about him and his accomplishments. The conversations are limited to only what interests him. His intentions are vailed in off-handed remarks or “jokes.” His flirting is overt and pushing the limits of harassment. He has a few women around him but it’s small and the women he wants to get won’t pay attention to him.
The difference between these two guys is their beliefs.
Those beliefs show through in their mannerisms.
The first guy believes that he is has something to offer beyond his societal status. He's comfortable in the setting. In other words, he is confident, happy, and unapologetic with who he is. His status within the gathering is going to be based on his interactions and acceptance of the groups he interacts with. The more interactions and acceptance, the higher his perceived status. He believes that women are to be valued for who they are. He enjoys their company and energy. He does not believe they owe him anything, and he doesn’t owe them anything. Anything that transpires between them is based on earned respect and trust. If he is rejected by a woman, it’s because she didn’t hold the values he was looking for, to begin with. The universe just saved both of them time from filtering each other out.
The second guy believes that he must present himself as confident and “alpha.” He believes he has to show people his status and force his status acceptance. Anyone who rejects his “alphaness” will bear his wrath. He doesn’t ask or earn, he commands his own version of respect. His opinions are the only valid opinions. He believes women owe him whatever he wants when he wants it. Women to him are manipulative cheaters who can only offer sex. Though women don’t really want or like sex until they meet him. Anything that transpires between him and a woman is because he allowed it to happen on his own terms. If a woman rejects him, it’s because she is a manipulative cheating prude bitch.
If you keep ending up with the same type of people in your life, look at the beliefs you have adopted. Then challenge those beliefs and test a new belief system.
You will attract what you believe is true. When you can't figure out what it is that makes that person more attractive than the other, it's more than likely their underlying beliefs.