I have been wanting to do a MyTake on this after seeing questions posted by a few users on here. I left links down below to highlight the questions behind the inspiration for the MyTake so you can see my opinions and are free to come to your own conclusions about what I have to say not just here, but there as well. The users for these questions are @Justneedtokno and @MzAsh respectively.
Do you believe in the idea of a BOSS BAE?
BOSS BAE Pt 2: What's wrong with increasing your value?
Do you blame Gisele for wanting a divorce from Tom Brady?
I wanted to reference these questions here because I have dropped my opinions on both of them that you are more than free to read and draw your own conclusions. I am not doing this to argue, create a divide or stir controversy. We have enough of that on GAG as it is, but the issue that comes with this is that it has created an endless back and forth of debate and hostility between genders revolving around the idea of gender roles, masculinity, femininity and modern day relationships.
Just a note, most of what I have to say here will be reflected from my opinion I left on the second link with some added bits for further clarification. This is also to try and bridge the gap between the disconnect present between men and women regarding this matter and to be debated and opinions are welcomed and encouraged, but I do not want to see each gender generalizing each other which is how we get into these spats on the site. I see both men and women do it and it is ridiculous. Be respectful, that is something that is lacking a lot in this world and on this site.
Moving on to the main content here, I want to say that I will highlight both men and women view points in what I have observed as the key view points each gender has on these concepts and what I interpret is the source behind them and I will label some key terms here.
Key Terms and Definitions Taken From Online Sources:
Boss Ass Bitch/BAE: An independent queen who's working for everything she's got and is too hot to trot. Excels in everything she does and does it better than everyone else.
High Value Man: A high-value man is the epitome of masculinity, leadership, charm, and sophistication. He is a man of means and influence, loved by women, revered by men, and moves gallantly through the challenges of life with courage and pride.
High Value Woman: A high-value woman knows her real value. She is aware she is highly desirable, and so has high standards others need to meet to have an intimate relationship with her. One of the most important traits of a high valued, highly desirable woman is her self-confidence and deep sense of self-worth and self-esteem.
Submissive: Inclined or willing to submit to orders or wishes of others or showing such inclination
Now as I listed above with this term, the consensus with women is that it carries the same weight as being high value, meaning they are independent, able to sustain themselves and don't need the help of a man or only want one that is on their level that can keep up and bring added value to their life. This draws to the two question links I have above regarding Boss Ass Bitch/BAEs. I want to be clear with what I say here ladies, there is nothing wrong with this. There is nothing wrong with wanting to better yourself and make yourself a more valuable woman be it through education, career, etc.. The issue comes when you believe that men value your independence and achievements in a relationship as contribution over what we really truly value at our core due to instinct and upbringing as men. Some men do, but we are not all the same.
Both sides should bring things to the table in the relationship. What this comes down to is a difference of what men and women value in a relationship.
Men value women that support them, trust them to lead and not get combative in decisions or every decision he tries to make on a personal level or for them as a means to be heard or just being difficult. They were taught that they were the breadwinners and had to bring home the money to support the family, be the rock of the relationship and a strong figure that cannot be shaken or destroyed because if that fails, everything around them falls apart. While he goes to work and earns to provide the stability, he trusts his wife to run the house while he is gone and raise the kids in his absence and he picks up to help when he comes home after dealing with other men and possibly an asshole boss that makes his life hell. He deals with that for his family and the last thing he wants to come home to is a combative wife squawking at him or getting snippy and angry over something. He deals with that at work, he does not come home to deal with that there as well. Not his house, not his sanctuary that should be filled with the people he loves, provides for and merely wants respect and thanks for the things he deals with to keep them going. He wants to come home to a loving and nurturing wife that wants to help him relieve the stress with a nice meal, a beer, a hug maybe a kiss and then they deal with their kids and remaining housework together after he gets a little time to take a load off.
A woman was told they were to be the homebody and the one who runs the house. They make sure it is clean, kids are dressed and ready for school and have lunches packed for the day and have everything they need in terms of a school day and whatever else they have be it sports or extra curricular activities, corrections of bad behavior, etc. A nurturing role that in theory should be instinctive, not something that should be earned or unlocked on the daily to make these things happen. She does it because she wants to help her man and show him she cares. That is supposed to be the true feminine, which is also inclusive of submission. I will touch on this word here too shortly because I feel this word is triggering for a lot of people.
Just to be clear. Submission does NOT mean a mindless slave or that you are lesser than the other. It means that you have the ability to relax and trust your partner to handle the particular situations that arise because you TRUST them, if you don't trust them that is when the friction comes into play.
Now that we have established the original traditional views let's transition to the more modern day view of how this is. We have been exposed to terms like high value, equality, independent, etc. Feminism came into play and has been evolving and changing what makes a woman a high value one or one who is equal to a man. Women now can vote, work, seek higher education, sleep with whomever they desire, own their own homes, have children without a man to help them raise it. Women have taken full advantage of what they did not have the privilege of over 100 years back, understandable, but ultimately it has also created a power dynamic shift to a degree.
Although women have more opportunities than ever before, this has also left men in the position of two options. Either seek to be better than their female counterparts (those that do are the top tier men) or they opt to find women that will go with the tradition that they were taught to believe.
Men now see these women that can do what they were expected to do in a relationship and if they either don't get on par with them or get above them, they are not only invisible, but tend to be seen as low quality by women they try to court. Enter the "what the fuck do you bring to the table?" Question. This puts men into a constant competitive belief that they now have to compete with men at work to be the best and be top earner and when they come home now to the woman in their life. They now have to be "on their game" everywhere they go and with everything they do. Any slip up leads to loss of control either in work or at home and it will eat them alive from the inside out.
Women will want the best man they can obtain. If he is their supposed equal or he will have to be a little better than her. Because now they are high value, their man needs to be high value as well. "I have a PhD, he has a Masters... hmm, is he going to go for a PhD? If not, is there a man out there more ambitious out there than him or me for that matter? Let's find out!"
Now women can say this is glaring insecurity on a man's end and I would be willing to agree to an extent, but then women in society need to know if they desire a man, he needs to have a purpose in their life. If he doesn't have that he will be resentful, feel useless and unhappy.
Men now need insanely high standards when it comes to being good enough for women to not just be given a shot but longterm potential. The more he has the better. The less, well, he is right fucked.
This next bit here will go to what I feel each opposite see when it comes to what the opposite gender values in today's dating and longterm standards.
Women that want to better themselves to increase their value need to understand that your career, education, travel aspirations and being a Boss BAE is not what brings value to us at our core. It brings something more materialistic on our end with additional income and activities to do when we have a breather, and if it makes you happy on an individual level, we can be happy for you too, cool. Now part of me believes women that pursue all of this to be high quality and bring something to the relationship outside of having this as a personal identity and independence and stability, they don't want to be seen as boring, lazy, or deadweight either. They want to show they can pull their weight and being additional value to the relationship outside of the established traditional expectations that were ingrained in us for so long. That they can do all of this and still choose to be with us despite it as a way of acknowledgment.
Now with men, our biggest fear and issue with women voicing this language of, "I am strong! I am independent! I don't need a man" we immediately associate that with the militant feminists that give any women who say these words a bad name by proxy. Now couple this on top of our expectations of relationships that were with us forever in a day and on a core and instinctual level, it is added frustration. We now essentially have to level up daily until the day we die to stay ahead of fellow competition as well as obtain acknowledgment and respect from everyone to include fellow men, lovers, friends, and family. Falling short is unacceptable in society's eyes.
So if we see a woman of the Boss BAE mindset we pursue, we are driven by our innate desire to be the protector and provider. We will shoot our shot and if we meet the requirements to get our foot in the door we learn more about them and we see all that they can do and accomplish, it leads to turmoil in some of us because now we just think, "well, I don't have any of this. I don't have that education level, much less desire to pursue it, and if she realizes I don't do a fraction of what she does, she will jump to the next best guy."
Because at the end of the day, a lot of women subconsciously resent men they perceive weak or inferior or if they become the leader of the relationship. They see him as deadweight, unambitious, not good enough. So they move to a guy that meets their standard or desire to work for that brings out the submission I mentioned earlier, or even worse, try to change the man they are with to what they want deep down.
This goes into my next bit with Type A individuals and the third link I provided at the start regarding Tom Brady and Gisele, but they aren't the key focus, just an example of how Type A relationships tend to be. I personally believe Type A individuals are very headstrong, stubborn and adamant that things need to go their way. They make for good friends and business partners, but a lover or spouse is really where it gets testy.
Men, we need to do better to encourage each other as individuals and seek out similar things that gives us purpose and identity like women are doing today. We should view dating as how women do in this day, searching for a quality woman to join us and add value, not BE the value. Of course the only way to do this is to date, but more importantly we need to shape things that make us strong on a personality level as well as give us the confidence and stability we need to be okay WITHOUT women at our focus and center of our life. They should have to earn that right to be a part of our life. In short- we need to have standards. We need five things.
1.) Purpose
2.) Good mentors and friendships
3.) Be sustaining and be able to provide for ourselves and live independently
4.) Take mental health seriously and seek counseling
5.) Physical and mental fitness
Now in theory if a man has this he will be a Type A man that will have direction, purpose and be willing to tackle whatever the hell comes his way because it is what he knows and what makes him strong and anything that threatens to take him off that path will force him to reinforce his boundaries that he has. Nothing should get in the way of his purpose. With that, it will segway into this next bit with Tom and Gisele.
No secret as of now, but Tom and Gisele is a prime example of what Type A people face when in a relationship. You take a high value man and a high value woman both at the height of their careers. Tom eats and lives for football. That has been his purpose and his mission ever since he played in college and became an underdog every time. He became focused and determined to be the best and prove everyone wrong who doubted him and who passed over him, almost to the point it can be seen as a toxic work ethic and mindset, but respectable nonetheless.
Divorce rumors are circling for him and Gisele because he promised he would retire after his last season, and he did... briefly. However, he is now back. In a way I can understand Gisele being mad and hurt about this, but at the same time this begs the question- what will that do to the man Tom has become from years of hard work, dedication and constant struggle to prove he belonged and wanted to be the best? I made this point on MzAsh's question I listed above which I will quote below.
"Plus, if he was to give it up, whose to say it changes him for the worse or changes who he is as a man that made his family strong and proud to begin with? If a man has no purpose, he is lost and complacency comes with it which starts a spiral. Let's look at the flipside of this as well. Why not Gisele end her career? Same difference here with Tom. I am sure she loves her family a lot and her career too, but why can't she do that? Why does Tom have to make the sacrifice?
Tom even mentioned on a podcast this past week, I am going off memory, but it was along these lines. "My son has taken up football now and it is great. He is more coordinated than I was at his age. I feel like him doing this allows me to give him advice and be close to him and be there for him in a way I know I can. Not trying to give him crap advice about things I don't know anything about."
Now, I am not here to argue or say what should be done, but this seems like a double standard here for both Tom and Gisele. Both have a family and great careers, masters in their profession. This is a shitty thing to ask one to make the ultimate sacrifice by giving everything up to be there for the family.
Now, sure, Tom could easily go to do something like sports broadcasting or color commentary like Manning did to still have a level of involvement with his passion, but it isn't the Sam's as playing it. Sure, he is old and more prone to injury with that, but he is arguably a legend and nothing like him will probably be seen again like this.
No different than Dale Earnhardt dying doing what he loved by racing. Same with Neil Bonnett. Tried to leave, got miserable and came back. Died doing what he loved, but died happy."
Will a man like Tom be more embraced for making the sacrifice and losing what made him who he was, or will it make him a shell and worse for not only him, but his wife and kids? His family. This can apply to all men who make that sacrifice for the sake of their family and marriage. Will it truly help it or will it shatter it because they lose what made them who they were?
To wrap this up, both genders need to be willing to take steps to benefit each other and come to a compromise and eliminate gender expectations and norms or trying to silence the other on who is right or wrong.
Ladies, if you desire to go down the road of the Boss BAE, there is nothing wrong with that. But if you desire a man, love men, or want a family because there are some on this site that are currently in this lifestyle and living it. You need to let your voices be heard and let society know that if you want to be the breadwinners and will not resent men for making less than you or not being able to do what you can, a couple of things need to happen.
1.) Be more vocal to women who demonize us or do exactly what I listed by presenting us for not being better at the end of the day because of personal standards.
2.) You need to let men know that you will still love them and support them regardless if they make less and won't hold it over their head. Consistently do it until it becomes a norm.
3.) You need to make men feel valued and loved and desired in your relationship and that he has purpose in the relationship by doing things you can't do or where you struggle. It all comes down to balance.
Gentlemen, we need to do the following.
1.) We need to be 100% comfortable with ourselves and work with our flaws and insecurities and expectations placed on us at birth and from instinctual urges to adapt to the world around us.
2.) Be willing to accept help mentally and encourage each other to be better men in the sense of knowing what we want by finding our passions and purpose to make us more rounded and shape us into the person who can charge through life with no holds barred and accomplish what we set out to do.
3.) Properly screen and vet women like they do to us. Are they a person who can add to your life and be someone you would like with you on your journey, or are they someone who will not be able to do that?
4.) Understand our worth as men is not limited to what we provide and bring to the table in terms of money, status, career, etc. No. That helps, but no. It's who we bring at our core. Who are WE at our core. Our identity and purpose is what will define us and so long as we chase it, and live every day like it is the last, we will draw the right people.
With that said, have at it. Would like to hear what you all think.
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