How do I avoid becoming a FWB?

I met this guy online, we’ve been on 3 dates in two weeks (two sleepovers and texting/phone calls every day, mostly his initiative). He was very careful asking me out, getting physical etc at the beginning and even joked about being terrified of “screwing it up” – so I assumed he put me in the girlfriend potential category. I've also very casually met his friends, but that wasn't really planned.

At first, I thought he was a player because he has a LOT of pretty female friends on FB, seemed very “smooth” and was secretive about his phone. I’ve teased him about sleeping around and he says that he’s a nice guy and hasn’t really had many one night stands – instead, he’s dated girls and it hasn’t turned into anything serious (which doesn’t really make me feel any better.) He hasn’t had a girlfriend in 4 years (he’s 25).

I decided I would “play” him back by telling him about others I’ve dated, other “prospects” I have, taking a while to answer texts when I was out etc – which seemed to work because at one point, in a text, he said “I’m not the one who’s dating others...” I reassured him that that wasn’t my style.

I want to take it slow to avoid a “friends with benefits” relationship. On the second sleepover (3rd date), I let him go down on me (I didn’t let anything happen besides kissing before that). Now I regret it, because he is acting more sexual towards me – and putting less effort into getting to know me at a personal level, like before.

How do I avoid this from becoming FOB? Do I all of a sudden stop sleeping over? Sleep over and not sleep with him? How do I put myself back in the GF category?


Most Helpful Guy

  • Sex does not disclose you from the girlfriend category. It's very simple, if a guy ONLY care about sex when you talk, then you as a person simply do not interest him.

    And if a guy says "I'm not the one dating other people" that is NOT a sign it is working. That is a sign he is frustrated and wondering why he is putting in the effort, which might be a reason why he is putting in less now.

    • Pretty much when you told him he wasn't the only one was when you went from the GF to teh friends with benefits category. I guy will not commit to someone who will not commit to them. He's probably already looking for other girls right now since he views your relationship as nothing serious.

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    • Just because he doesn't act like you would it doesn't mean you have the right to scold him. He could be really tired after work, did you ever think of that? He could also be aggravated that you want so much out of him after you tell him he isn't the only one.

      I've already seen two bad mistakes in term of relational equality and just being considerate in general. I didn't assume, but if you also only let him go down on you without anything in return that would be three.

      You seem to want a human puppet that does whatever you want, more then to try and fit to the needs and wants of another human being. Maybe you shouldn't be in a relationship right now.

      Oh and any mind games you think of are a bad idea. Don't lie to try to get the reaction you're looking for, and don't fight to make him spend time with you. If you have to do either of those then you're seeing the wrong guy.

    • Thanks for some really good advice, I really appreciate it. So what do you suggest I do now? I'm definitely not gonna take my phone out and I'm gonna tell him that I want to get to know him better before we get sexual.. because it's not fair to him if I'm not 100% into it (as in returning the favor). Other than that, should I contact him more? I'm clueless now.. but wow, was I ever wrong about him!

Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 10

  • You avoid being friends with benefits with him by only sleeping with your BOYFRIEND and letting him know that. Don't give him what he wants until you have what you want - a relationship. You can still sleep over. Just let it be known what you're looking for and refrain from sex.

  • When you told him your dating other people, you put your self in the friends with benefits category. I think you were in the posible girlfriend category. I would tell him things are moving to fast and you want to get to know him better. No more sleep overs for a little bit. Make him feel like he's the only one you're interested in. I think if you slow it down and your honest with him, he might make you his girlfriend.

    good luck

    • I have told him that I want to get to know him better, he seemed to be ok with that - but of course, when we have sleepovers it's hard not to do anything.. but he likes when I sleep over. :/ I never said to him that I was dating other people, I would just constantly be getting messages from guys when i was with him and I'd tell him about it. I also told him about how a guy drove fairly far to meet me yesterday and I told him I had other plans, so I never met him. But the guy I'm dating didn't really seem happy about that, like I expected. Instead, it seems he thought I was mean for not meeting him.. confusing :p

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    • Thats not true, the hunt is for one night stands. I want my girl to be completely honest with me. It takes the guess work out. Make him wait for the sex, then you know he bf material.

    • Will definitely do, thanks a lot:)

  • Wi some guys there's no turning back. Once they see that they can get sex from you, they won't bother to keep getting to know you.

    That's not all guys though, of course.

    If he's interested in you as a person then he'll show that in his actions. If you wanted to, you could even tell him that you like him, and you want to take a little step back from the sex and keep getting to know each other like you were before.

    If you cut the sex out now without discussing it a little bit, he'll probably think you're losing interest or he'll think that he's done something wrong, and it'll just confuse him. Thus my suggestion to be honest and just tell him what's up and what you're thinking.

  • Stop worrying about taking it slow physically, and worry about NOT taking it slow in terms of moving forward emotionally and commitment wise.

    Slamming on the brakes physically is likely to make things worse, not better.

    Stop playing games. Acting like you don't care if you're in the gf category is a good way to not be in the gf category. Guys prefer to date girls who like commitment.

  • At this point it will be difficult not to sleep with him on sleepovers. You will have to control the action, and suggest that you do some activities more suited to BF/GF status. Go to the movies, zoo, concert, etc.
    Then avoid a hookup situation until you are more comfortable in the direction the relationship is going.
    Try to go to parties with him or hang with him and his buddies, see how he presents you.

    • going to parties to avoid hooking up? Parties generally involve alcohol which will only aid the hook up process

    • We have plans to go climbing tomorrow, so that's a good thing. I obviously want to see him as long as possible and he'll probably also want to sleepover. But you suggest not to have a sleepover then?:)

    • No sleepovers until you are comfy with the sex

  • your 3rd phrase just put you where you didn't want. you wanted to seem hard to get but you got more distanced by that. he just feels like a random guy to you. like WesThe Guru said

    • So should I put in more effort and "chase" him or leave it as it is? :/

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    • I think I made it a bit unclear - i never told him i was dating others. We spoke about people we've dated before.. and I told him I'm not the type to date more than one person at once. Everything has been said in a joking tone too, nothing serious. Plus, he sometimes asks for details because he thinks it's funny.. so it sounds much worse than it is. I've just experienced SO many players, that I figured I'd do it differently this time. . it just sucks that this guy actually seems genuine for once!!

    • if you told him that after he asked you about then this has no influence. everything you tell him to feel more secure about the outcome is actually gonna change it, not to your favor. or if it was some theme he started to talk about and you just throw in your experience its nothing special. actually 2 weeks for him to go down is strange. I'dd wait a month to get sexual with a girl I really liked but I don't know

  • If he brings you along to meet his friends then you are in the GF category.

    Attraction for men are initially a visual thing, so alway do things so it he see you want to look good for him.
    Also show some initiative, show him what you will bring to a relationship... why would you two be better together than by yourself?
    Don't make him take sex and you for granted... tease him of what he will get, but won't get right now.

  • You let him eat you out on the third date? What impression is he supposed to have?

    • I told him to stop several times, but obviously he's gonna try to push it as far as he can... then it just kinda happened until I seriously stopped him. :(

    • You gotta own it man. It's okay that you wanted it. Girls tend to, as Jamie Foxx says, blame it on the liquor. You don't have to, just be you, and get a man who is compatible. It would make everyone more happy in the long run. Anyway, if you don't want a man to see you as FWB, you've gotta stand your ground.

  • Don't be easy

  • First off , love the name! How'd you cone up with it?

    Second if you want to avoid a friends with benefits situation you'll need to have no further sexual play and be firm about it. Until you have a committed relationship. Otherwise it will most likely lead to friends with benefits


What Girls Said 1

  • Dont have sny sleep overs untill you are in a relationship.

    I don't thonk he's the type there is nothing you can do. You are and always was fbw :(

    Trust your gut... if a guy seems smooth a bit of a player he probably is.

    If a guy has put in the potential gf zone he will stay interested for quite a while with out sex.

    You just have to make shure he knows you have a sexual side.

    He will stay interested becuase he's into you for more than sex and is interested in having a meaning full relationship.

    I hold back sex for upto 2 month they stay hooked because they know im worth the wait and the built up can get pretty steamy :)

    Hold out longer, some will lose interest and some won't. Stay sexy listen to your gut and note that in my opinion men are pretty honest it takes practice to it's posdible you can tell whereu r with s guy from the start.

    They pretty much seem to make up thier mind on what potential you have for them pretty soon

    Somtimes its not u it just depends on what sort of connection they want at that time in thier life.

    Many women only fbw which is petfect gor guys that want that also. Thats why u get them a lot on dating sites

    The key to romance and holding that potential fir a guy is showing him u r sexy but that u r also a lot more.

    Hold out to make him see that and if he doesn't hang arpund long enough then he's not what ur looking for

    Best x

    Good luck xx

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