Ok so I recently started dating this guy. I didn't really want to have a monogamous relationship to begin with but he really wanted to date so I said fuck it I'll give it a shot. Mind you, he's my first boyfriend. Things where going great but the sex started to get boring, and his drive was low. We talked about an open relationship but decided not to do that, since he didn't like the idea of me sleeping with someone else and I was happy with our current arrangement. We didn't have sex for two days, and then he started asking about reconsidering the open relationship and sounding really upset, so I new something was off. He finally stopped bullshitting and said that he had fucked his ex. side note I get a hall pass since he cheated. The fucked up thing is is him cheating doesn't really make me feel heart broken or make me want to dump him. I basically said "wow really? You could do better." Is there something wrong with me...
Some people are secure enough in themselves to know what works for them.
You need therapy, you should be heart broken.
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+1 y
Another side note: I do really care for him, in a sense that if we stopped being friendly or seeing each other at all. That would hurt. We get along great outside of the bedroom. I've always valued connection's and friendship over physical ones or sex. I've always been able to separate the two.
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+1 y
I don't know maybe that makes me weird or they think I should feel differently to some people I guess.
He cheated, but why don't I care?
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Anonymous
(25-29)
+1 y
I had a boyfriend like that a while ago but I cheated on him. He wanted a relationship, so he said and did the kinds of things that resembled a relationship, lovey dovey touching etc, but the sex was good and I felt that despite not having feelings for him it was good company so continued it he got more clingy acted like he wanted more, but then acted indifferent at times so after a while decided to break it off with him. Felt like he was trying to force a relationship, where there really wasn't feelings on my end for a relationship, beyond sexual fun. I was already flirty with other guys and didn't want to lead him on. from that end I decided it was easier meeting guys for sex friends and keeping feelings out of it. Turns out later he had been seeing another girl a month before we broke up. It was an outlet for me.
I have friendships which I get the benefits of friendship, but there are guys I know I meet exclusively for sex, for the benefits of sex keeping boundaries clear. Open relationships would be ideal but beyond the feelings one must communicate between each other so they do not get intertwined and confused, which is difficult
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Anonymous
(30-35)
+1 y
I'm going to disagree and suggest there may be a self-respect/immaturity issue. He essentially broke your trust and you don't care. To be unbothered this early, and for him to have cheated this early, doesn't bode well for you too. So I agree that you didn't want monogamy anyway and thats one reason why. But polyamory is based on consent and respect. If you're not bothered by his lack of respect for the commitment he made to you, I'd take that as a huge red flag for your future relationships. A therapist can help work on that. Good idea to work on yourself before getting in too deep to relationships.
Never trusted him in the first place, otherwise that would make me a dumbass. I care on some level but not enough to be heart broken. I'm more pissed he let his ex get to him more then anything. But I'm not a crying mess which I'm thankful for.
If you don't trust him, you need to stop wasting your time with him. Why continue to invest time and energy in someone you don't trust, who has already shown he doesn't value this commitment? You can find someone else to just hook up with or try an open relationship with from the start with someone else.
If you can't walk away from him, yet acknowledge that you can't trust him and that he obviously doesn't value this commitment, it does imply a self-worth issue on your part. And it's a huge waste of time.
You're developing the standards you'll most likely end up repeating in future relationships, whether you realize it or not, unless you start moving through relationships with the intention of establishing respect and trust for yourself. Psychology just doesn't work this way. You don't justify unhealthy relationships, stay in them, and then suddenly find yourself in healthy, respectful ones. I'd run if I were you. There's just too much dick in this world to be dealing with this and you need to work on your self-worth/self-respect issues. But you're an adult. You'll make your own decisions, for better or worse, just like everyone else. Nothing new really.
Why continue to waste my time and energy on someone I don't trust? Good dick, simply put. I don't really feel like starting over with another relationship, it's a lot of work. If I really loved him I would be more upset I imagine but right now I just can't bring myself to be upset over it.
We get along great, and I'm not really into serious dating at the moment so I guess finding someone "better" isn't really on my list of current to-do's.
It sounds like you're just okay with the idea of an open relationship right now. I went through a phase like that when I was younger, when I didn't want to be tied down with anything serious. Commitment was... no. But I did want the same guy over and over when I met one who did it for me. Maybe that's what you want?
YOu aren't in Love, you dont care thats perfectly normal, you just maybe didn't know before what you wanted from this relationship... but as you said you didn't wanted it to be exclusive in the first place so I actually think it worked out great here.
There's nothing wrong with you sweetheart. Sounds to me like you jumped way too quickly into a commitment. The way you view him (liking and caring, but not feeling affected by his affection toward others) is a result of you not being in love yet. Most people, especially younger people, view relationships as this kind of label that's not that big a deal, but it really is. It's making a commitment. It's choosing someone as a perspective life partner. If you want to continue dating this guy maybe you should remove labels all together and just go back to dating. Both of you free to see other people and let the love for each other flourish or die as you get to know each other better. When you fall in love, then decide to be in a relationship. My girlfriend and I dated for a few months before we actually became boyfriend girlfriend.
Something in me cringes when I read this... you are that young, first boyfriend, and the sex is boring, so you talk about an open relationship? How about just deciding to date this guy or that guy. It's like you are in a different world, I just don't get it why people don't commit to a person, maybe you can educate me.
As best I can tell, you really didn't want the physical relationship in the first place so that is why you dont' care. We don't know why that is. you care about him as a friend. Maye you aren't really that drawn to him, but you like him.
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+1 y
I wanted the physical not the committed. But he's the one with a commitment problem turns out
I don't think it's TOO out of human characteristics that you don't really feel anything about it. People value different things and cliches like "different strokes different folks," "to each to their own" kinda exist for a reason.
With that being said, from what I think is either 1, you didn't really care, didn't have too much feelings for him therefore did not have strong of attachment to him, 2, you really don't care for monogamous traits in relationship. I wouldn't say its fucked up that you think the way you do.
You are who you attract. This is a really sick mentality you and this guy really have. In fact this shouldn't even be a question. Sounds like to me you just want attention and you really just don't care who you have sex with because you're out of control, like he is. He used you for the sex and all you really wanted him for the sex. Best not even think about it if you're not going to change.
It can be a numerous reasons why. It can be as simple you doesn't have the possessive trait that majority of humans haven't developed past.
I find it amusing how some claims someone isn't in love just because of that. We can be in love either way. The most common thing that many misses is that we get really comfortable with each other when we are in love. trust on different levels is something we must have to make it get triggered to become in love. an other is you have involuntary feelings that you didn't choose to have.
Sex in it self is relative do to how well we are developed also how we are taught from our environment.
You will know if you are in love. if you are uncertain you are most likely not. on the other hand a lot of humans are stupid those days and think the flaming love faze is in love and when it past over to in love they doesn't love the other one anymore. no shit. you don't love any more. you have fallen in love instead. involuntary feelings you haven't chosen.
No, there's nothing wrong with you. I think one of two things are happening here. Either you're poly (great) or you don't really love him. I don't really think he is though, at least not to the degree that you are. So yeah, technically you have a free hall pass. But I wouldn't recommend using it because *he* would feel hurt and it might damage your relationship with him even if he *says* it won't. (Yeah, I know it's not fair, but sometimes it's like that).
Instead of a outright open relationship I suggest trying to talk with him and see if there's someone he'd feel more comfortable sharing you with then others. He's going to need to get introduced to the poly lifestyle gradually if this is going to work I think.
As for the sex being boring. Try talking with him about that too, perhaps you two can improve things.
Coming from be it's sounds fun right now but eventually it's burns to the ground... I us d to live with my girlfriend, then we broke up and continued to live with eachother date other people but sleep with eachother at night.. point is your not feeling hurt because your "comfortable" meaning so what he cheated you only care that you guys get along get and you don't have to deal with bs of meeting new guys, you can have sex and be cool with eachother and go back to your usual life after... WARNING YOU... When you guys have one small disagreement it's gonna start building up and literally start going down hill and eventually it's gonna blow up... You seem nice avoid that... It may not hurt but you have to end it because if you wait too long and end it later it will eventually sink in and pain like a bitch.
Your choices are bullshit. You're not "secure enough" nor do you "need therapy." The answer is so simple let me point it out:
>I didn't really want to have a monogamous relationship to begin with but he really wanted to date so I said fuck it
You never wanted a relationship to begin with, therefore, never had feelings for the guy. You don't care because you don't love him and aren't attached to him. You just wanted sex.
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Asker
+1 y
Do you think it's possible for someone to cheat but also love the person they cheated on?
That's rather messed up in that HE wanted to be monogamous and broke his promise. He should have accepted the open relationship proposal and set some ground rules with you if he was just going to do that.
you are very confident and that is amazing, i hope you also know your worth, because he lied to you maybe it doesn´t bother you the cheating itself, but its the trust and respect that should matter to you in this situation, if he wanted to fuck his ex he could have accepted the open relationship before, not after doing it
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+1 y
Let's just say I'm not hurt enough to dump him. Never trusted him to begin with and I'm aware I could do better but I don't feel like trying to find someone else at the moment.
It’s your first boyfriend so there is no way you even know what you want yet. You can’t know ‘what works’ for you. You are letting this guy call a lot of the shots when I see no reason for that to be the case.
If you like being surprised by random STDs or the drama of one of his exes keep on. Otherwise think about what you really want
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+1 y
First boyfriend, not my first "relationship" but I get your point
Most people don’t really know what they want till late 20s or older. And even then they learn more & may change direction. In the meantime you learn & learn. Not knocking you. Just saying
That's funny if my boyfriend chested I would stab him to death and burn his body. Because I don't tolerste fake People and bullshit. Why do you think being with a cheater is a Good idéa? I deserve more than a cheater at least. But if he makes you happy then thats Good
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+1 y
Because I can't force myself to be hurt. I'm not excusing what he did at all, it was disrespectful to say the least. But he was honest about it and yes I could dump him but I'm not going to unless I want to.
I don't see it that way at all. For me it's like if yiu stay you think it's okay because action are more important than words. But I guess we Think different
hooollyyy shittt 😂 honestly, i was praying for someone to give such reply, cause thats a normal woman reaction!! this is how the situation should feel like. thanks. faith in femininity restored.
There's nothing wrong with you, because I don't believe for ONE SECOND that you "really do care". You really like the company, but beyond that, you know he's not the one you really want... THAT'S WHY you don't care. He's just entertainment for the time being. Don't mistake not want to be by yourself for "really caring about someone".
You said it in your post. You didn't want a monogamous relationship so your excepting of his cheatery because you don't have a monogamous mindset. So there's no issue here in my opinion.
Granted with a polyamorous relationship he needs to have the go ahead from the main women in his life and in that aspect he failed.
You didn’t really want something monogamous to begin with so it makes sense why you wouldn’t care. I don’t know you that well and neither does anyone else to be telling you that you need therapy.
I don’t think it’s weird to have the ability to differentiate sex and love. It’s actually a positive quality in my opinion because it doesn’t make you stupid or needy.
He was honest, and him feeling upset or distressed about the situation makes it seem as if he really does have some sort of thing for you. And your mind played it off that way without you even knowing it. Give it time. Try and talk to him. Find what's best for the both of you.
I think that since the sex got boring for you and you wanted a switch up in the first place you kinda feel the same as him. tho it was a unorthodox move to cheat on you whilst he in fact could've had a legal deal.
Well you just answered your question the reason why you don't cares one you just started dating him so you really didn't get a chance for your feelings to get involved into you never wanted a monogamous relationship anyway. So there you have it that's why you don't care now you get to do what you want to do so it works out for you that's a win-win for you. It's just sad that he wasn't honest with you about it maybe I could have had a little bit of fun with it
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