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Hmmh. I know this is a common thought amongst men, but although there is probably an element of truth to it, I think the ideas that it encompasses are more broad. Women want (hope) men will listen, hear, and absorb what we say. But we talk too much. 20,000 wpd on average while men speak typically only around 7,000. So we're talking their poor ears off, and expecting them to remember, to boot.
And there seems to be another element - of focus and concentration. It's maybe as men get older, or it may be all the time (I know of and can confirm examples of as they age, but not sure about the rest) but they do not seem as able to take in multiple stimuli very easily (particular - or only? - verbal + something else). Drives them nuts. "One thing at a time." Some guys are probably going to get pissed at me, but I've said this here before and it's relevant again - in brain scans comparing the sexes, men's brains are more concentrated in specific areas when doing mental tasks under observation, or remembering events of their lives, or when asked to conjure up the emotions associated with past events. There is activity, but it is more concentrated and in fewer areas simultaneously. Compare that with women's who light up much more. When they are thinking, or more importantly feeling or remembering, their brains are very very active. Particularly the amygdala (fear/stress/emotion/primal survival stuff) to memory. Less MRI/MRA 'heat' overall, but more areas engaged. So... I believe that women are hard-wired to take in and use all this data when they talk and think and process things. They expect men to be the same. Women remember smelling something (I use that example because smell is apparently the most primal, the first to be formed, of all the senses) and it connects them to their past, which easily makes them feel what they felt, and if the man in their life was around at that time and was part of that story, well, she wants him to feel it with her. "Don't you remember? Don't you understand? Don't you agree?" I think it might be something like this.
Men don't have to read minds. And they shouldn't be expected to remember everything she says (unless it's "Don't forget to pick up the x, on your way home.") But we do want them to be a part of our emotional life, be present, and care. I guess we feel that when you don't remember, aren't interested, are impatient and don't want to listen to our 'story' about our day, that you don't care. But we need to cut you all some slack. Cause many of you do. You care a lot. You just can't absorb everything that we're putting out, it's too much. And I get that. And I hope a lot of other young women get that too.
And p. s. I apologize. I'm going to go over my 20,000 wpd limit here. Big time.
It's a catch 22 for both men and women.
On the woman's side
When women tell or ask men what they want and need there can be several responses...
The man is happy because now he doesn't have to guess.
The woman asks for what she wants and needs and the man views this as demanding, nagging or expecting too much.
On the man's side...
He tries to mind read the woman to surprise her and there could be several responses...
Oh honey this is great
Or did you really think I would like this? I can't believe you don't know me better. So men get skiddish to even try doing something for the woman they like out of fear of criticism.
Sometimes they do, yes, and sometimes it's unreasonable, yes.
But in my opinion, it's also your job to learn to understand how women's brains and desires and priorities are different from yours, just as it's her job to learn the same about you. Most people are bad at that, but in my opinion it's really the key to a successful relationship.
There's tons of stuff online that talks about this, but this video is a good basic overview. I can tell you this: if you try to project your own desires and priorities on to her, you're going to be wrong most of the time, and will be very confused, and she'll have the same experience if she projects her desires and priorities on you. Once you understand how each other ACTUALLY think, and what you ACTUALLY want, you will make FAR more sense to each other, and you'll have far fewer misunderstandings and conflicts.
I think it'd help to know that women don't 100% say what they mean and that's because there's so many layers to what they feel that they haven't fully distilled their feelings into a cogent thought so they end up saying everything and it's up to us to sort through the verbal diarrhea to get to what they actually mean to say. It'd help if women were more introspective and really analyzed their feelings before spouting out their thoughts. Say exactly what you mean and keep it brief and a lot of guys will understand you. Now that doesn't mean they'll respond in the way you want. But you can't control that.
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Yes, I do. But I also expect the women in my life to read be mind readers too.
I think I'm this way because I am really good at reading faces/emotions of people I care about. So I sort of have the same expectations for them. Then I remember that not everyone is like that (and it's exhausting to be like that) and I communicate to them whatever it is that needs to be said.
u Ever since Eve listened to the serpent and ate the apple, men and women have lived in conflict, and much of it is unavoidable. Men get upset because women don't act the way that men would act under similar circumstances, but if women were just like men, we wouldn't want to date them. And women do the same thing. They get upset because men don't act the way that women would act under similar circumstances.
I try to remind myself: "Why would she act that way? She 's not a man. . . thank God!"
I love Tony Robbins, but the video is a little difficult to watch!
Anyway, I understand what you're saying. As a woman, I already caught myself doing that.
Yes, I do. Sorry, just being honest.
Yes, they do. Girls are usually less direct than guys. They expect you to do things and when you don't do them they are starting to get mad and then when you ask them what is the problem, they will say "nothing, I am fine". Then, you should start run as fast as you can lol.
Now I will be more serious. I think both genders expect that in some way. I know I expected my ex to understand things and she didn't.
We are both to blame here.
We need to be more open to each other. what we think and feel.
I know that if I will tell my SO to be, that I come from a family of thinkers and not feelers, logical educated people that speak the word 'math' more than the word 'love', that I am an introvert who built many walls to hide his emotions (even my amazing boss told me she is great at reading people but she can't read me. That I always have a 'poker face' at work.) and while I am great at reading what people think, I can be a bit lousy about reading what people feel. If I will tell my SO that It will take me some time to open up and that I need her to guide me about what she wants and needs from me, I am sure she will be glad to help. If she will let me understand her better and I will let her understand me better, we will have a much better relationship.
Generally speaking, yes, and it makes no sense because what do you see a lot of? "Do I have to spell it out for you?" Yes, that's literally how everything works. When you learn how to drive, you spell it out. When you learn to perform duties at work, you spell it out. All of a sudden in relationships, you want them to know. It's an inefficient way of thinking.
It's over complicating something so simple. Right now if you have a math problem, most likely, you're going to use a calculator and very few would actually do it by hand, especially one that requires a lot of math.
If you're going to the cheesecake factory but you don't know exactly where it is. Would you rather have your friend give you a relative location, very vague description of the area it's in? or would you rather be told the street address, put it in your GPS, have the quickest route and the ETA? Simple choice. Over complicating,
It's not always a bad thing. I do that sometimes. Like with the trash. I'll leave it there just to see if someone changes it, and when they don't get the hint I confront them and tell them to take out the trash.
Sometimes yes. Is it logical? No
But my father (who raised three girls lol) Made it a point to remind us A LOT especially when we first start dating:
"guys can't read your minds"
But every now and than I still do it. It like a horrible passage of right and some creepy entity voice says "oh he knows. He just trying to be slick"
So when I feel they are not getting the "hint" I just come out and say it. Which I hate because it comes off with no tact and it makes matters worse sometimes.
Yes. Girls I know will swear Black & blue that this is wrong, yet know damn well they do do it.
Example scenario:
(Guy does something seemingly offensive -likely (for this example) unintentionally - to the vulnerable *feeling* girl, doesn't know *what* exactly, but knows something changed in the vibe of the room, so feels confident to just ask:)
" What's wrong, babe?"
Babe: *shrugs violently* "nothing."
Dude: "really? Cos it feels like.."
Babe : "I said: Nothings wrong! Gawd!"
Dude to himself : "ok, now I know for sure something's wrong, but f*+#kd if I'ma go round 2 of this!"
Dude: "okay, babe."
Or
Dude: believes her, why would she lie about it, he can't see the sense in that!
Babe: to self: "omfg I can't believe he doesn't even care. I knew it. All boys suck, etc, etc?
Anyone know what I'm talking about?
I know its true for at least one me, in my younger & less brave years.
For me it’s more about knowing why I act in a certain way or what do I mean when I say something.
I like to show a lot of my personality and to talk a lot about the way I think so then when I say/do something I expect him to know why because I opened up so much, he should know me good enough to interpret it the right way. Him not being able to means that he either lacks common sense or didn’t put enough effort into getting to know me. Ether way it’s a red flag.
My man knows me like the back of his hand. That’s what every woman wants. Gotta pick the right one who is highly intuitive.
I honestly think it’s coded in our DNA to be like this. I’ve acted this way where I’ve had to slap myself in the face and tell myself “stop being a petty bitch and just tell him what’s up!”
No, but sometimes girls drop hints in things they say or tone of voice, or try to communicate with their eyes. It works most of the time with other girls but we get frustrated sometimes when it doesn't work with guys.
I grew up with women so I speak woman and bitch. lol
I still hate it.
Women are not as direct as men because they don't like conflict.
The trick to is to listen to nothing of what they are saying and watch their movements, so treat them like a silent movie with no captions.
Also, you can stop them in their tracks, and tell them to clarify or forget it.
I think women want to know the emotional connection is there, and when it is, then you will kinda read her mind in a sense, that she is hungry, what interested in, thinking of things to excite and challenge her... it shows one is thinking about her, has her needs as priority and importance and thus... she is secure and loved. It feels good to be thought of like that, male or female, human or not.
One of my most memorable memories is my sister getting a Christmas present for her dog. To my shock, the dog searched out, found it's wrapped present, knew it was his as he carried it off with pride and unwrapped it. The dog participated in Christmas!! That shows thoguht and consideration and love, and the doggie experienced it. I am not comparing women to dogs here just making an example.
We do but that’s only because we are so obvious with what we want in our own minds! No means yes and yes means no... we have always been like this, yet men will still get it wrong because we will change it again...
Do you want me to buy you flowers? We answer no... but then when you do because you know our no meant yes! We will say ‘I said no’ to flowers!
You can’t win! But you are mind readers! We just don’t know what we want!
I don’t expect anyone to read my mind specifically, bc I know for a fact they would fail and I hate being misunderstood.
Secondary to that is , I think it is rude and unreasonable to not communicate but expect omniscient
I wouid like to think I would have this view no matter what, But I can’t say for a fact I would feel this way if I was accustomed to people ever understanding where I’m coming from without my guest explaining it
25 times in different ways
Interestingly, even though I’m absolutely clear In requesting no one try to read my mind, people still do it , even complain I expect it.
I come to the conclusion , some people are too lazy or indifferent to pay attention and instead prefer laying blame to make themselves feel pristine and rational
They expect you to pay some attention to them. Many people don't do this and surprised when they miss somthing. Try listening and being engaged in a conversation with them, or asking about their lives. You know basically they expect you to care about them...
I think this is part of the reason why some people really value the concept of finding a soul mate. In my opinion, there are only a very small percentage of relationships where each person knows what the other is thinking or feeling without needing it to be explained clearly and verbally. Those people really are fortunate to have such an intimate understanding of their partner. Most of us will struggle on a daily basis to 100% understand what their significant other is going through emotionally and exactly what they are trying to tell us.
Here's another one from Mark Gungor. Got to see one of his 'couples seminars' live.
What we know is that women are master communicators, highly skilled at the art of nuance and innuendo. They are also very good at passive aggressive in their communication.
They always have a hidden agenda, and they always look for one when their man speaks, which they simply don't have.
Men are direct, clear, their brain runs on facts and logic. If you want him to understand something you have to get his attention and be crystal clear and direct, otherwise he just doesn't get it. And you'll hear her say, "I don't know why, he just doesn't get me."
This is a learning opportunity for youngsters of both genders here.
Yes they do. Women need to learn the importance of REAL communication. I get not always wanting to point out every problem that you have, as it can get annoying. But some women just will not communicate like an adult at all, even when pressed to do so.
When you know something is wrong and you want to get to the bottom of it to resolve whatever it is, and they insist "I'm fine" with the not fine tone of voice, and refuse to communicate leaving you to blindly try and identify and fix the problem. Then after you make efforts, later they are like "oh, that wasn't the problem" or "no, I wasn't mad I don't know what you are talking about".
That's terrible. I would almost consider that a form of mental abuse, and I'd recommend men to put up with it less often. If she's a crap communicator, then drop her. Maybe she'll learn and improve from it.
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