Why am I fuckable but not dateable?

[Simplismilez]

I have guys that are only wanting to sleep with me all the time but when it comes to dating or even just getting to know me nobody seems to want to do it. I think I'm a good person, I have a good personality and have been told I'm pretty. Unless people telling me im pretty is also a ploy to get me into bed. I don't know. Why am I fuckable but not dateable?

Updates

+1 y

Yes I did go through a period where I didn't value myself and slept with some guys I shouldn't have but I've been working hard to change that and value myself more.

[MrOracle]

This may seem to be a crude analogy, but it gets the point across: if you are stranded on the side of the road, and you call your friend for a ride home, and he shows up in a junky old car, you'd still happily hop in and take the free ride home without any complaining. However, if you were going out to a nice event where you are dressed way up and you'll be seen getting out of this car, you probably would be FAR more reluctant to ride in the same car. Why? Because the stakes are much higher in the second situation than the first.

Many women don't seem to understand the concept that men can separate sex from love. That doesn't mean that we don't want love - most of us do - it just means that we're perfectly capable of desiring (and enjoying) sex from a girl that we have zero romantic feelings for, and to have no regrets about it afterwards. Men are biologically programmed to desire sex, and to desire it with many different women - this is an excellent strategy for the survival of the species, because it encourages more children and it widens the gene pool, reducing genetic defects.

When a man wakes up in the morning, his first thought isn't "I need a relationship" or "I need love" today, it's "I need to get laid." For men, sex has a higher priority than love UNLESS he's met a girl that he's fallen in love with. Most days he hasn't, so sex is the top priority.

And what is important in a casual sex partner (when love and long-term relationship concerns aren't really relevant)?

- Is she attractive to me?
- Is she willing?
- Is she crazy/psycho?
- Is she riddled with diseases?

That it.

If a guy can answer "yes" to the first two questions and "no" to the second two, then the girl qualifies as a girl he'll have sex with. Note that there is NOTHING in there about how he FEELS about her, and there's nothing about her personality, about long-term compatibility, her behavior, etc. Why? Because those things don't matter when you're just having casual sex - casual sex is all about immediate gratification, and nothing more.

When a guy is looking for a girl for a RELATIONSHIP, that's MUCH more complicated and many additional factors come into play. His feelings about her are obviously going to be important, and so are things like her reputation, her behavior, and all of the many issues that make up "long-term compatibility", such as her views on religion, children, marriage, lifestyle, finances, family obligations, etc. etc. There's also the "value equation" - relationships have a high cost and risk for men, and so men have learned to ensure that the girl is also bringing things to the relationship that HE finds valuable (more than just sex), or he just won't be interested in a relationship with her. Men today are much less willing to accept a relationship deal that gives her all the benefits and him all the expenses, liabilities, and risks. They've seen how that went for their fathers and their friends' fathers, and they no longer blindly accept one-sided deals.

So, if you want to be seen as a "relationship girl" rather than just a "casual sex girl", then you need to have the attributes that men look for in a relationship girl. Generally, that means:

- making him a priority
- being emotionally mature and grounded in reality
- being a positive and happy person who is enjoyable to be around
- having boundaries and the will to maintain them (if he thinks you lack boundaries, he'll assume you will cheat, and he'll drop you like a sack of dog poop).
- being willing to carry your share of the load as he is willing to carry his (it's up to each couple to work out this balance)
- most men, when looking for a relationship, also tend to look for women who are all-natural, and who are more moral and more socially conservative.

[Sparda20xx]

This should be a my take. It was incredibly well written. Its sad that women gave you a thumbs down. You're dropping nuggets of wisdom and they refuse to hear it

[magiusX26]

agree sparda

[Pete671]

So true, pity that 4 ladies have given this a thumbs down, it's the truth,

[Louistruman19]

Boom! On the money.

[likelyOK]

Excellent response

[MrOracle]

@Sparda20xx I'll make it one if folks think it's useful. And thanks.

[Gisellegemstone]

So informative!!

[Gisellegemstone]

It makes sense now why my boyfriend finds me valuable. My boundaries are so clear and I reinforce them, I present myself as a valuable person and I am really fun to be around. Well done!

[Vviiccttoorr]

Sadly if people know you as a woman who is open for sex then that’s probably why some genuine guys won’t want to date. However, self improvement is good so try and talk to guys who are alright with your past and can appreciate your improvement. You don’t have to bring up your past to guys you have an interest in but, if it does come up ( and you’re cool with taking about it) the see how it goes. If you’re interested to find a genuine good guy then search for one but please please please don’t be the girl that finds a great guy who wants to get married and have children but, is also down for sleeping with you that same night he says all that because it’s clearly BS what he’s saying. Find a guy who will wait if you want to wait because, if he’s willing to wait then that shows that he likes you for you and not just for sex. Then you can proceed to a future and start a family if you you’d like.

[Mishan97]

This is the unfortunate reality of the dating world but when u give up ur body too easily or too early on, many guys are going to lose interest. To weed out the guys from the ones who want just sex from the ones who are serious, wait until u are exclusive with the guy to sleep with him. I’m not slut shaming you bc there is nothing wrong with sleeping with a guy on the first date if that’s what u want to do. However, the reality is that sleeping with the guy on the first few dates isn’t the best strategy if you are looking to get into a serious relationship. I don’t think the problem is that you are not pretty enough or fun enough or whatever. I think you are just giving off the message that you are not looking for a serious relationship when you are quick to get into bed with a guy. Don’t feel bad though because I went through a phase like that too where I was “Easy” and would have sex with guys on the first date and stuff like that. I realized once I became more picky I started attracting better guys and they took the time to get to know me because I didn’t have sex with them right away.

[Yads_Is_Back]

Let’s be real: many guys will sleep with any female. They have zero standards. So I wouldn’t use that as a consideration since you could literally be the ugliest female on the planet and get a guy to sleep with you. (You are pretty. I mean hypothetically if you weren’t.)


As far as dating, I mean, it’s kind of dependent on every little thing about you that we are not gonna have any clue about on GAG because it’s difficult to actually get to know someone online. I will say that what you said in the update isn’t going to work in your favor though.

[ragequeen]

It might be how you express yourself. If you come across as an easy woman (act and dress sexy in public places, always fuck on the first date, etc), people will get the impression that you are not girlfriend material. If you think you are, try to act like it. Sometimes we believe ourselves to be someone we aren`t because it`s all about actions. However, also remember that not all people you meet actually want a committed relationship. Maybe you`ve just been unlucky?

[OlderAndWiser]

What happens when a guy approaches you? Does he say "Hi, do you wanna fuck?" or he starts flirting but then loses interest or what? How close do you get to dating someone?

[aWes0MeNeSs]

It may be the guys you are meeting, or if you struggle with self esteem or confidence issues, guys who like to take advantage of girls might pick up on that and see you as a target, unfortunately.

[hellionthesagereborn]

Well being fuckable and being dateable are very different and have different requirements. If you give it up easily that makes most men not want to date you because well, clearly sex isn't a big deal to you and if you gave it easily to them you probably gave it easily to others and if sex isn't a big deal to you now it probably won't be later i. e. men don't like women with high body counts or perceived high body counts. So that could be an issue.

Other issue is if you don't build up a rapport with them, an ability to have your conversations flow, then that makes you not really datable to them because well, dating means spending a lot of time with the person and if you can't engage in interesting conversation, thats going to be a deal breaker (despite popular belief sex is not the only criteria men use to determine being with a woman).

Also how you act is another issue i. e. if you can't see the person as a long term partner (i. e. wife and potentially mother figure) then your probably not going to date her (so you can be fun but fun is short term, their must be evidence of strong values and traits that will be desirable in long term relationships). So it could be that they are not seeing this in you or you are not adequately displaying those traits.

Lastly, though I think its probably least likely, is if your shy that generally can make you seem distant but that usually results in men not wanting to approach you at all. So while this is not likely the issue, it could be that you are holding back enough to make them think your only interested in casual or something like that (again, not sure if this is the case but its a possibility).

So do any of those sound like possibilities?

[Reaperbot666]

• majority of females are fuckable to some degree. yet only a handful are dateable long term in this modern age. regardless of gender, age, race, ethnic group, nationality, height, weight, etc.
• roughly 80% of people on dating apps/sites regardless of if their male, female or other. are typically looking for hookups and/or short term dating. much more often then long term relationships or marriage.
• the modern internet, social media, dating sites/apps and hookup culture. all played a role in opening a door for many people. to have a large amount of fuckable people to pick from.
• but the amount of people viewed as relationship material has gone down. since majority of people won't long term date someone with past hookup drama.

[Simplismilez]

When you say past hookup drama what do you mean?

[MCheetah]

1. Your standards could be way too high (this is usually the case for most women).
2. You could give off tomboyish vibes, which a lot of men may like, but not as girlfriend material.
3. You could be incompatible with the men you're with, or vice versa.
4. You could be devaluing your dating worth by sleeping around too much (if you are indeed doing that).
5. You're potentially not putting yourself out there or actually TRYING to date someone and just waiting for Prince Charming to come along and propose to you on a white horse.

[WilliamO]

If you have a high body count a lot of guys aren't gonna want a serious relationship. A high body count puts the thought into a guys head that "hey she's slept around a lot so it's more likely she'll cheat on me or not take the relationship as seriously as I will" or it just makes them uncomfortable that a lot of guys have been with you and it's hard to deal with. I'll be honest it would be difficult for me not to be bothered if the girl I loved had sex with a lot of guys. It's hard to explain why but it would just bother me. And the fact is women with higher body counts are more likely to cheat then women with low body counts. We aren't really trying to slut shame or anything it's just how it is.

[MrKinktastic]

So there’s a bunch of possible reasons but here are a few:


The guys you’re targeting/putting signals out for are in high demand or aren’t looking to settle down. (I think this is the most likely)


Almost all available men will say yes to sex requiring no investment of effort with an attractive woman, if you’re wanting a relationship you’ll want guys who are willing to put a bit of work in before they get sex out of it. That will reduce the amount of guys you get just looking for a quick lay and sweet talking you.


It could be some red flag coming up during the first few dates. Do you have a lot of cats/exotic pets or a bunch of morbid posters or something like that? Maybe it’s something random/silly like that scaring guys off.

[simonqq]

Interact with guys in other settings than dating apps, bars, clubs and parties. I think you can definitely find and if you are out there interacting then it will happen sooner or later. If you don't want to sleep with guys then don't but if you do then why regret it after. It's perfectly okay to have sex and I don't think you are valuing yourself less for wanting or having sex.

Anyhow it's probably just a question of time. For some others finding someone that will even touch them or want to speak with them is rough so since you are able to have sex you will be able to find a serious relationship as well. Unless you are terrible but even terrible people find partners.

[GingerGuy]

You have to take it less personally because it won't be you as a person (not likely), it's THEM! They don't want a relationship period, no matter the woman. Give it time and keep searching. Also (if you don't do this already), let the guy know right away this is what you are looking for and ask him what he's looking for. Say you don't want to waste anyone's time and you want to be sure you're on the same page. Women fear this "scares guys away", but it won't "scare" a guy that is looking for the same.

And, it's just hard these days period. I'm having a hard time finding a woman that wants anything serious as well.

[DWornock]

The reason is the same as for almost all young women that ask the same or very similar question. Guys date down for sex but they almost never marry down. For a relationship, they choose someone in their league but they are more than willing to fuck girls somewhat below their league. If you wanted a relationship with a guy within your league you could have it within a very short time.

However, you always reject guys within your league that would love to have a relationship with you. Instead, you chase after the hottest guys that will fuck you and. since you are below their league, they don't view you as relationship material.

[Simplismilez]

I actually avoid "hot guys" because they're out of my league. Like hot people seek other hot people

[DWornock]

I'm certain that is not true because it would be very easy for a girl as pretty as you to meet guys that would want to marry you. All you would have to do is make eye contact, smile, and say "Hi" to give them enough courage to approach you.

[thehorriblesheikh]

First of all, who you slept with or not has nothing to do with how much you value as a person. As for why you are fuckable and not dateable, that is quite difficult to answer, since I don't know a lot about you. Though I will try and answer your question as best I can.

If I was having sex with someone regularly and they asked me out, there are some basic things that I would think about, and they are as follows:

1. Are they honest in general (at least with me)?
2. Are they generally an empathetic person?
3. What is their general opinion about my gender?

These are the basic questions, and then there are some personal requirements. I assume most men care about these three basic things when it comes to dating. If you think you are honest, empathetic, and don't hate men, then I don't know why men aren't willing to date you.

[scorpy04]

I would hold you in high asteem Sounds like the guys you met are not right for you They are immature idiots didn't see what they had in front of them They probably did tell you your pretty as part of their conquest I can honestly say I wouldn't have kicked you into touch If I sleep with someone then its because that means something to me If someone shares that intimate moment then they should respect that person a future May I say one last thing please YOU ARE PRETTY Maybe the type your looking for is obviously not right for a princess like you

[laurieluvsit]

Somehow you have been mingling with losers.

You are extremely dateable and beautiful!

You need to start mingling with great guys that will treat you like the queen that you are.

If you are really serious about it, I will tell you exactly where to find them... I am not kidding!

[Daniela1982]

Because it got spread by former fuck mates that you are an easy lay. So why would a guy spring for a date, with the possibility of getting sex, when he knows he can get it for free by just telling you that you are pretty and hot?

[Jjpayne]

You have such a cute profile pic... It makes me sad. You look like you would be fun to date... I really don't understand how guys minds goes right into causal sex... I think on your profile you should say, I'm not looking for friends with benefits or causal sex. Hopefully that might help a little... But also switching the dating site might help too

[MikeTheBartender]

Tell us more without revealing personal details of course.

Do you own a house?

Do you have baggage like kids?

How often do you go to the gym?

What in your mind puts you above the other women?

What in you can you improve on?

❤️

[Simplismilez]

No I dont own a house and dont know anybody my age that does. So what does that have to do with anything?

No kids and dont want them.

What does the gym have to do with anything?

I'm capable of acting like an adult and working on myself to improve. I have a good heart and like to see the best in people.

I need to work on my own self esteem which I have been.

[MikeTheBartender]

Ok, the guy you want to be with, dream guy, what does he bring to the table?

[Simplismilez]

Loving, caring. Can hold a job and has a car. Willing to grow and become better in areas he needs to. Good at communication. Shares some interests and values similar to mine.

[MikeTheBartender]

Ok we have a good start. Besides internet I'd think about where that guy hangs out. You like a guy that likes to hike? Join a hiking group. Painter? Go to an art class. Of course my dating advice for 2020 kind of sucks with covid.

Wait till the 4th date to boom boom. But don't act like you don't want it if you do. Hey Simplismilez let's go back to my place? I would love to but I totally have to leave now because I have to meet my mom for breakfast at 7am etc etc. Within four dates if the guy is not alluding to future plans... We should go to a bar once this covid shit is done! Maybe he's not that interested. Good old indicators of interest... How long does he take to text or dare I say call you? If he calls he's SUPER into you. Are you his first priority or does it seem like you are second choice? My second and. third choices were always the early week day dates, Monday happy hour, Tues coffee etc. The top picks were reserved for weekends.

Ok I'm ranting hopefully some of it helped!

[Wintergrace]

Ultimately, it sounds like you need to value yourself more if you’re looking for a serious relationship. Set your standards higher, take it slower on dates, and then you will weed out the wrong guys. I would recommend looking into how you value yourself and doing confidence building exercises. You’re absolutely stunning, and any guy would be lucky to have you.

[Nmalinova]

Ok so it can be a few factors from dressing very openly lets say to being flirtatious to just being pretty! Sometimes people are too intimidated to be with someone pretty because of the fear you might leave for someone better so they rather keep it at a superficial level! Could also possibly be because they do not really know you and assume it's all about fun and partying (if you have an extroverted personality)... could be a few reasons really 😕

[Novacane]

It probably has to do with the type of men you meet or attract. I could also be the way you come off sometimes especially if you are someone who does hold back. Or you could have people who find you dateable but maybe you oversee them for those that don't want to date. I would say maybe be a bit more reserved and try to let people know from that start what you are looking for. hopefully that helps