Should people in a relationship change their behaviors to make their partner happy?

Question

Aethereal · Accepted Answer

My answer is somewhat a combination of A, C and D.

A relationship is (or should be, in my opinion) about mutual happiness. Partners should be considerate of each other's feelings on certain things, and so avoid purposely hurting their partner by doing those things. One partner's happiness and opinion is not more important than the other's. If there is a conflict; both partners need to discuss it and reach a solution that leaves them both happy (either through compromise, equivalent exchange, or retaining the status quo).

There is value in only being with someone who's exactly like you. The problem is that finding such a person can be almost impossible. And even if you do, people often change with time. The person who is like you now, might transform completely with time. Unless you commit to ending relationships when that happens, I believe the mutual happiness route is better, because it limits change that hurts us.

I strongly reject "B" because it is a mantra for suffering in silence. E. g., If you hate smoking and your partner suddenly takes it up, why should you have to "like them for who they are/have become" when they knew full well that you hate smoking? This idea basically says that partners should be free to disrespect each other, and can easily be used to justify deal breaker-type behaviour like cheating. Relationships are a responsibility.

wtf636 · Accepted Answer

I would agree that someone should be open to feedback from their partners. Depending on what that feedback is. The problem I have is that this view is not shared by many people. I find often one person wants the other to change, but thinks they are perfect, and are insulted if that partner asks the same from them.

Most of the women I have dated, have tried to change me in some way. By making little passive aggressive comments here and there. Hoping I will get the hint, they never just come out and say it. Which is not the way to do it. The rare cases they actually sit down and talk with me about it. I try to listen and see if I can adjust, as long as it's reasonable.

The problem usually starts when I have my own feedback for the woman. I find most women do not handle this well. They like to blame everything on the man, and it's like pulling teeth to get them to admit that they might have fucked up or are wrong.

If they fuck up, they just give you a pouty face and expect you to forgive them on the spot. Then cry if you proceed with any type of pushback. To hear the words I'm sorry from a woman it takes way more effort than it should. There are a lot of reasons for this, but it is what it is.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

Yes and no. If you're doing something that deeply bothers your partner or acting in a selfish manner, of course those are good things to change. However, you should never try to change yourself into a completely different person to please someone else. In other words, there's a difference between self improvement or changing something you do out of respect for your partner, and becoming someone you're not.

megzs16 · Accepted Answer

Depends. All relationships take some change and sacrifice to work. But there are certain things you shouldn't be expected to change. For example having a girls night from time to time, or spending time with family.

TruthBringer · Answer

To a degree, yes. When being in a relationship, you're not on your own anymore. You're trying to work together in order to form a future that includes the both of you. If reaching a higher goal means I have to change certain things in my behavior or at least not act in ways that violate (basic) relationship rules, then so be it.

But it's not realistic to expect someone to drastically change certain lifestyles or habits. In that case, you shouldn't be getting with that person, to begin with. like changing the clothign style, trying to change the other person's personality, trying to change what they like etc. Even things like bad habits. I'm not going to bother trying to have someone quit smoking. I'll just find me someone who doesn't smoke, to begin with.
But expecting my partner to stop talking to certain people or wear certain things that got introduced in her life after we met, then yes, it's justifiable to expect coöperation from my partner.

serious · Answer

No, if people only change their behaviour to make their partner then it is a very wrong to do because such a change will be temporary and will only last for a while. Nothing wrong with the thinking that they want to make their partner happy but then true change or any major change will only come with introspection and self realisation.

Hence the person should first believe that their change will not make them a better person but will also make the relationship better, only then they should change.

LogicalGal123 · Answer

Its somewhat 50/50 on some circumstances. U don't change them or change u for who u are. Acceptance is one thing g but making them change is not the ordeal. If u want to change. U do it on ur own. If u want them to change that will be on them if the decided not to. Which 90% of the time they won't and it's a waste of time. If the person loves u enough would change on its own not u telling them to do it.

FlutteringFeelings · Answer

If it’s jeopardizing the relationship then there should be a reason to change. That person can take the same bad behavior elsewhere whether it be a platonic relationship or romantic relationship and ruin it as well. If we’re with a genuine person then they’ll be willing to tell us something about ourselves that we weren’t aware of and vice versa.

TheBigGuy9 · Answer

I love having a partner that challenges me physicalIy and mentally. I like to move forward in life, not backwards. Who wants to fight over things we thought we left back in high school? Get those people out of your life. Today, their is no easier way to become a millionaire.

GrimmGothBabe · Answer

There is and isn't a time to change for example personality never changes but if its a bad habit like leaving clothes on the floor then yes you should change just cuz everyone can improve and it can bug a partner and thus changing that habit can make both of you happier but on a base level you should be with someone who likes you for yourself not someone who wants to change you to fit their ideal

HawkPerception · Answer

You should definitely always aim to be a better version of yourself, but trying to change your partner is most likely going to have negative results. You should like them for most of their traits/qualities before going into a relationship with them. This is why I think filtering tons during dating is very important.

Maissilapsi · Answer

If the behavior started after the beginning of relationship, there's a spot to do better, or it's something which the other been kept unaware of.

Unless something has dramatically changed which creates reasonable justification for changing behavior, don't change. Because you're then changing the very person your partner fell in love with.

FreyaRed · Answer

Yes, if their behavior influences in a negative way mutual quality of relationship, they should change their behavior. My ex got over years online games addicted and he ignored all my friendly request and warn shots. He was confused and disturbed as I left him because he didn't notice all my efforts to keep this relationship alive before, or he didn't take it seriously while convincing himself he is right and I'm wrong.

gayesblog · Answer

In a relationship, adjusting behaviors for mutual happiness can be positive, but only if it's authentic and doesn't compromise personal values!! Genuine changes that strengthen connection and understanding are healthy, but sacrificing core aspects of oneself for someone else rarely leads to long-term fulfillment or growth.

CaliDad · Answer

Don't change for your partner - change for you. If it's important to you for self improvement, then definitely take the opportunity. Otherwise, you risk resenting the person.

kingofthellamas · Answer

What is this tired thinking girls have about changing their man? You feel in love with who he is now, not what you could mould him into. Why are you trying to manipulate someone into being something they are not? This never works.
If you wanted someone different you should have dated someone different.

RingOfFire · Answer

It depends on what changes in behavior their partner is asking for.

Say one partner is a drug addict and asks the other one to do drugs so they can share the experience together and that would make that partner happy.

Should the other partner start doing drugs?

Anonymous · Answer

What's the point there'll never be happy you sell yourself out in the end for what a Peck of the cheek and some squeeze in between the legs I'm sorry folks that's what it's come down to.

jerdanro · Answer

There has to be compromise and give and take in any relationship. I wouldn't try to change who I am to stay in a relationship, but I can change small behaviors to make my partner happier.

Stop leaving to toilet seat up: Yes
Give up a core belief: No

karaspara · Answer

That’s complicated but in a basic way yes if it’s a negative behavior in general but equally be careful it’s not a control thing hopefully I’ve explained myself properly

Anonymous · Answer

It all depends on if it's a positive attribute or a negative attribute. If the person you're dating is calling you names, putting games or outings before you, or just overall treating you like shit, then sure, they should change or better yet, just break up. Now if it's positive and it's not really an issue and they want you to change, then I don't know bro, that shit is wack as fuck. :)

Mac-One · Answer

They say that the longer you are together, the more alike you become. I have found that to be true for my wife and me.

sensible27 · Answer

If that someone is important to you maybe you'll consider their thoughts but if it's something important to you maybe not. t

The_Maphio · Answer

It has to be a mutual effort. If not changing completely, thing that I find overly difficult to achieve and also pretty wrong, at least round up the edges. Especially those on which your partner keeps smacking into.

pink_and_inlove · Answer

Yes if they’re being toxic or arguing too much they need to change that that’ll ruin the relationship. Also being judgmental and being disrespectful as well

ladsin · Answer

I guess C. Your partner should challenge you and make you better. They shouldn’t be interested in fundamentally changing who you are though.

whatdoyouwantt · Answer

Well of course both of partners need to adjust to each others needs to feel happiest, this does not mean changing physical appearance!

Ditto626 · Answer

It depends on the behavior honestly. If it's something like picking up after yourself then yes absolutely. But if you expect someone to do a complete 180 on their personality then no.

kyleelyn199723 · Answer

Depends on what those behaviors are. If you lived a life that can be portrayed as infidelity in a relationship, you should definitely try to change your ways

kkirk4442 · Answer

We all should be in the process of changing, to make ourselves better people. That is different from changing to meet somebody's expectations.

fred_durst · Answer

good luck with that , i find it is easier to move a mountain than trying to change people
or people , shouldn't just jump into relationships too quickly , until they are pretty sure they can accept the person who they are

jackderby_01 · Answer

Only if it is being toxic. Otherwise you should not. I mean you're my girlfriend not my mom.

TheSpaceGnome · Answer

Always option D, none of the others will ever work, and people who try to change their partner will just end up getting divorced.

devilish-cutie · Answer

both should to adjust to eachother, its all about good comunication, agreement and compromise

Alwayreckles93 · Answer

It is best to find someone who has your same believes and interested. That's just my opinion.

WesBrewer · Answer

You change for them, but they also need to change for you, otherwise it won’t work out.

lilyanony1 · Answer

It's important to be a respectable person. If you aren't that way you don't deserve a relationship

HaveNoName · Answer

That is the whole premise of give and take for a happy everlasting married life.

Thedivinechic · Answer

Yes. Demand that your partner walk around in baby diapers and drink almond milk from a 10 oz bottle. While walking and talking like Tommy from Rugrats around the house.

plzmee · Answer

You were into them as they were you don't go into a relationship wanting to change. Individuality is great don't be up each other's ass don't try changing who their friends are have a life away from each other

Anonymous · Answer

I think that in order for a relationship to be healthy and last long, you need to find someone that won't change their behaviour in order to make you happy. Such a relationship won't last long. You need to find someone that isn't afraid to be themself. They should always be true to themselves

exitseven · Answer

Yes, if it is something obvious like picking up your socks off the floor or not leaving the toilet seat up.

zagor · Answer

Depends on what they are. If they pick their nose and eat it, yeah that needs to change. If it's something like staying up too late then it should slide.

dudeinohio · Answer

Like them for who they are. The initial dating process should weed out those who aren't to your liking. If you force someone to change, they could be unhappy and then resent you.

innerman · Answer

Now this is a pointless argument... why would you date a pastors daughter knowing she’s gonna make you stop doing drugs... “We all want someone whose demons play well with ours “

Miristheiss · Answer

Some things yes. Core things... thin gs that make up your personhood no.

Inexpensivefurniture · Answer

If the change is a positive, reasonable one, I think it should at the very least be considered

RawaajUK · Answer

Only sometimes people should change their behaviors to make their partner happy otherwise, a partner should be selected with all of his/her perfections and imperfections.

wickhamhayls · Answer

yes and no.
Yes, if it really bothers others.
if not, then compromise and don't bother each other.
Whether a peson should change depends on the situation. Assuming a person HAS to change is as stubborn as not changing.

DiscomfortZone · Answer

Not a yes/no question. It's all a matter of what behaviour is in question and what level of change is deemed necessary.

Rangers · Answer

If those behaviors are self destructive, absolutely

OddBeMe · Answer

We all change a bit to fit with SO’s. They should love us for who we are, but picking up our dirty clothes or going down on them requires change.

LiamJHayden · Answer

Compromise is usually necessary in any successful relationship.

Jamie05rhs · Answer

Slightly, yes, if it's a reasonable request. I'm willing to change a little.

COMMODOREII · Answer

Hell no!!! You liked me for being me you are getting me her over it.

najekim · Answer

A successful relationship is a life of compromises by everyone involved.

joshctlee · Answer

Wow this is not what I expected the polls to reveal

Paul09 · Answer

Need more context. But mostly no. You are suppose accept the person the way they are, or leave.

Romeocuck · Answer

I voted the 3rd option. Just lose the maybe at the first of the sentence.

Anonymous · Answer

what's the point of dating someone who is wrong about life  oohhh and IM CORRECT ABOUT LIFE no opinion

Asianguy123 · Answer

there is this guy who act shit. I don't think he can change. He lost his girl friend already and me.

Browneye57 · Answer

You better, you spoiled brat. LOL

Iron_Man · Answer

There’s always compromise needed in a relationship

BareTruth · Answer

It truly does depend on the behavior

Should people in a relationship change their behaviors to make their partner happy?

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Should people in a relationship change their behaviors to make their partner happy?

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