My boyfriend is not as ambitious as I thought he was and it’s starting to become a turn off. How should I approach this with him?

[Anonymous]

For background, I met my boyfriend of about 3 years while he and I were in college. He was two years my senior but we still had classes together and partook in the same student orgs. Academically, he has always been one of the most intelligent people I’ve known. Very well spoken, amazing writer… he was very passionate about going to law school and practicing law after graduating.

Fast forward three years and I’ve just finished up my first year of grad school. I work very hard trying to balance work and school and I’m supporting myself 100%. Meanwhile, since graduating three years ago, my boyfriend moved in with his friend where he lives rent free and has worked the same part time job for the past three years. While he did take the law school entrance exam after graduating and scored well, he just didn’t see it through. He’s still being partially supported by his parents and appears to have no clue what he plans on doing. He spends the rest of his days playing video games, watching movies, etc.

This is starting to become off putting for me because I am working so hard pursuing my dreams and he’s sitting around complaining about how life is so hard for young people right now, while he enjoys not having to pay any bills at 26 and not even having to work half the time (just chilling, making very little income). It’s also hard because he is still so smart and talented and I want him to be happy and just do something he cares about, and it’s like his talents are going to waste and he doesn’t care. I need to bring this up to him to try to give him a push in the right direction, but I’m afraid of either hurting his feelings or overstepping by telling him he needs to be doing something with his life. I’ve always thought so highly of him and his aspirations so it’s difficult confronting him about being the exact opposite of what I always believed him to be.

Advice?

Updates

+1 y

I also want to add that, while it is a turnoff and I don’t want to be with someone who is lazy/has no goals… In every other way he is an amazing boyfriend. Very attentive and supportive.

[Nawlins34]

Directly, just tell him your concerns. Now will it work? I doubt it, because it's not HIS problem, it's YOUR problem.

Not accounting for who he will be in the future, he's happy where he is NOW, according to his actions, I agree with you here. He's comfortable.

But he has proof of concept and frankly, your presence in the relationship with him, confirms it.

He can have a woman of your caliber and not do anything productive. If that were not the case, you would've left awhile ago.

YOUR problem is you believe he can change again and to be fair, he changed from his original position to this current one over three years. I get it. But, he'd only be changing specifically for you this time, not himself.

Will he change to keep you and are you worth changing for? - Is the real question.

If you break up with him, there are women emotionally available that will accept him
as-is right now.

Just like if you break up with him, there are plenty of men who are mature and emotionally available who are quite ambitious.

I don't know the answer, but you're going to find out. Tell him your concerns and listen to his response. Don't let him dismiss your concerns, get a solid answer from him and when he gives you one, don't try to make it fit into what you're looking for.

I just wanted to give a perspective here, I hope I've helped. Good luck and be safe.

[Browneye57]

Your ENTIRE job, your duty if you will, in dating, is to be able to make a determination as to whether they are compatible or not, whether they are worthy of your substantial commitment in time and emotion. Whether they are truly a match.

If you're not completely enamored by your man, if he isn't the best thing that's ever happened to you, if you're not just gaga over him, then cut him loose so you can find one that is.

Guys get with girls hoping they'll never change.
Girls get with guys thinking if they bug the shit out of them hard enough and long enough he MIGHT turn into something she can stand to be with. IT JUST AIN'T NEVER HAPPENING.

[Seinna]

This is literary my experience, almost exactly how you described it.

In my case I did address this issue but he blamed it on me saying that I wasn't "motivating" him. In the end I broke up with him (it wasn't the main reason but it started to become a turn off and I couldn't respect him as a man anymore).

I hope it ends better for you... but ultimately you can't change him. You can bring him water but you can't force it down his throat. And it's unfair for you to have to do that since you put more effort into your life. He's still a child and us women we don't have the time to wait for men to grow out of their training wheels.

[havingfun101]

If the sexes were reversed, you'd be seen as a dirtbag. I hope the next man sees through you.

[Seinna]

@havingfun101 Not at all - I didn't expect anything of him that I wasn't myself putting in. I'm a fairly ambitious and hard working person and I only wanted him to put at least half of the effort that I did.

Also, the sexes are not reversed and despite all of the feminists efforts they never will. Not for women like me and men worth their salt. Men are men and women are women.

[havingfun101]

TL;DR: good luck locking down banker chad
Exactly. Women are greedy and men are generous, on average. Marriage, cohabitation, sex and childbirth rates are at all time lows and women file 80% of divorces and get custody and alimony in 90% of cases. The men you're looking for have enough options and intelligence to understand that commitment is a trap, which is why you're left with the rabble.

[havingfun101]

Just for fun: Palindrama of MeWe 3 by ya boi: https://youtu.be/DBI9tE_XVoo

[Seinna]

@havingfun101 I guess you know everything about me based solely on my sex so there's no point trying to change your mind. But let me guess - you're one of those guys with enough options and intelligence to avoid commitment? :D Then why do you have a loser mentality? All you do is complain without adding anything worthwhile to improve the situation that you so complain about.

Intelligent men want commitment because they realise they need women as much as we need men. Not "need" per say, but life is not nearly as fun and comfortable when you're single. Even if you're happy being single now, that will change when you're in your 40 and find that all your friends are busy raising children while you play video games all day.

I honestly hope you get out of your own head and stop judging people because everyone deserves happiness - and that is loving and being loved. Not by a cat or a dog - by a partner. And if you find women so despicable then maybe try with another man :)

[havingfun101]

Sugarplum, individual air particles are chaotic and random but in large enough numbers they're so predictable that we stake our lives on aerodynamics. People are just the same. According to Briffault's law the female, not the male, controls all conditions of the animal family, so males only have control outside of relationships or through potential resource withdrawal. Thus, loser mentality = doesn't benefit women. In other words, not committing or giving her children is the solution. Look at the stats... we're in a target rich environment.
... I'm rolling in women and I always will be, just like my older counterparts.
I guarantee that banker Chad and doctor Brad have been alerted by men like me... be ready. Meanwhile, I'm shredded and my cock is as big around as the average is long, to say nothing of the 10k jokes I memorized and my wicked dance moves! 😘🤯 ...🦒🍆🇺🇸🎲

[pleasestopthis]

You say you want him to be happy, but how do you know what he does now is what makes him happy? Maybe practicing law isn't what he really enjoys and it's just other people's expectations. Most of the time people put very high expectations on intelligent people but for them it's not what they really want to do.
Yes, you should talk to him about it but first you need to know what is what he really wants to do with his life instead of saying what you want him to do.

[GingerGuy]

This was my thoughts exactly.

[sponge-bob]

Maybe he realized practicing law isn't for him and don't know what to do next. You need to talk to him because if you don't say something now. You are going to hurt his feeling a lot worse when you dump him. And he will have no idea why ( he thinks everything is fine) at least if you talk to him now if he doesn't change you have no reason to feel guilty when you leave him. Who knows maybe the thought of loosing you will be the kick in the ass he needs to get moving

[nolabels]

I hate to say it, and hate for you to hear it, but if I were you, I'd be moving on with my life without him.

[nolabels]

Sorry to be that blunt, but the situation doesn't sound recoverable to me.

[nolabels]

We make our choices in life, and then we have to live with the results of those choices.
To me, if you're planning on looking further down the road with him, I'd consider that to be one of the biggest choices in your life.
You've said that he's adopted this lifestyle for three years. That's a pretty long time.
What do you know of his earlier life, before you met?
Was he ambitious in his younger years? Or, could he have had he a short-term burst of ambition when he entered college, only to fall back into an old pattern once he graduated college?
You've also mentioned that he seems to be a pretty desirable person in a number of ways.
That's why I hated to say my original reply. To have someone be part of your life who shows such potential, only to see the possible fruits of that potential slipping away must be heart-breaking for you.
Is there a possibility that he's become involved with drugs?
Marijuana can be a heck of an ambition killer for some personality types.
I've been there. I know what it did to me.
Are there any signs of depression that may be crippling him?
I'm trying to throw out all the ideas that I can think of for you.
Since I don't know him, I can't predict what his reaction would be to a confrontation.
Maybe you could write a letter to him, and include all the wonderful things you've said about him here in your post, that you care about him and want him to be happy.
Having a letter to hold in his hand to read and reread, may help him to fully realize what he wants in life.
I do truly wish you the best.

[KrakenAttackin]

Go do your super-career shit and enjoy growing old with your cats.

Why should your boyfriend slave away, also, fuck being a lawyer -- that is a shitty job.

I have done a variety of higher-level military and corporate gigs and frankly, the stress wasn't worth it. Now I have a low stress job, an ex-wife (thank God), and I live a good life.

[ItsMeItsMe1989]

my aunt, continues to change jobs. while she's now basically in retiring age. she never really settled down in to one job... she hated that. she hated being in just one thing, all the time. You can work like that, barely.

does that mean she's not ambitious, no, just means, that's her lifestyle. maybe its YOU who isn't ambitious

[slatyb]

If you don't want a slacker boyfriend, you have to end it and find a guy with more ambition. That shouldn't be hard, you are highly desirable.

[Fireguy17]

Sit down and talk to him about it.
Will it get worse?
Is it because you are doing everything for him?

[havingfun101]

Guys, it's all about the money, if it wasn't you'd hear regularly about women paying men's bills.

[Asker]

Well no, it really isn’t about the money. I don’t even live with him and as I said, I support myself financially. It’s about compatibility. I don’t need a man to take care of me. But I do want to be with a man who wants to do meaningful things with his life and has aspirations, rather than spend it playing video games and just simply existing. I don’t care if what he does pays very little, as long as he is doing something that he cares about.

[havingfun101]

"I have an Affirmative Action job, but I secretly want a man who's above my station to take care of me and that's my definition of compatibility... it's not my fault video games are immature, although I watch TV just as much." -- Feemales

[Asker]

Correct me if I’m merely being presumptuous, but for contexts sake, are you an incel?

[havingfun101]

Are incels shredded with a huge member and a high IQ?

[Asker]

Yep that’s what they all say 🤣 Bless your heart

[havingfun101]

So, you were asking disingenuously? I have receipts. Other men see you calling me an incel and not addressing my points, confirming my original assertion. Marriage, cohabitation, sex and childbirth rates are at all time lows... I wonder why?

[Asker]

You made no assertion, but rather an assumption that wasn’t based on anything I actually said. You assumed that because I wanted a man whose ambitions matched my own that I wanted a man who was in fact “above my station” rather than an equal. You also assumed that when I said I’ve worked hard at work and at school to get to where Im at that what I really meant was that I’ve been handed an “affirmative action job” by the government and that deep down I wanted to be provided for rather than actually pursue a career. These assumptions led me to suspect that you simply do not like women because of your own feelings of inadequacy. Hence, an incel who needs to prove his worth by invalidating the achievements of the opposite sex and professing to the world that he has a big penis and a high IQ (both of which, let’s be honest, probably aren’t true).

[havingfun101]

My assertion is that it's all about the money or women would be paying men bills, as men do for women. ... Men are smarter, stronger and more just than women on average, so equality is a lie supported by programs like Affirmative Action for women.
My cock is as big around as the average is long, I'm shredded and a genius. When women make more money the divorce rate goes up by 25% with women filing 80% of divorces. ... One does not simply punch the mountain, doll. [Recites 50 jokes in a row]

[Asker]

Aw wait you’ve just been messing with me? 😅 that’s kind of too bad. I was just about to screenshot your responses and share with a couple of friends to laugh about.

[havingfun101]

Only weak people need to lie. Know your place. [Helicopters huge cock]

[DaMack999]

His too immature for you. You need a older guy who understands your needs and provides it for you. Not worry about some kid out of school. Lol

[Anonymous]

I assume he was the one who asked you out or made the first move

[Avicenna]

Yeah, you'd better explain your concerns to him

[anylolone]

Zero advice.